How should I handle moving house if my marriage may end? (Also pregnant!)

[discontentedsummer]

For various reasons, I think my marriage will probably not survive another few years. But I am currently pregnant with our first child and so we cannot split now.

We are in the middle of selling our first home. We have buyers and are going through the surveys etc. right now. This house has a lot of equity, primarily from the £100k deposit which was gifted by my mother. This is not protected in any way and I am at peace with splitting that equally with my husband.

We are currently trying to find a new house to buy. My mother wants to give us £200k additional cash for this purchase. I do not want this with the current situation in my marriage as I do not want my husband having access to even more of my family money (in addition to the original deposit he also has had a car purchased by my mother, and money in various other ways like for our wedding etc.)

If I am planning on leaving him when my maternity leave is over (around 18 months), what is the best way of handling this? We are trying to move about two hours away - should we pull out of our house sale or rent in the new location? Any ideas for the best way of presenting this? I’m also not ready to discuss this candidly with my mother.

Are you both agreed on divorce ultimately, or will this be a surprise to him?

I think it will be a surprise, he will probably want to maintain “family life” under a guise that this isn’t such a bad situation. Resentment has set into the marriage and I know that’s like rot.

Well yes it makes sense to stay or rent. The first will mean you build up more equity paying 18 months more off mortgage but will potentially then have to cohabit during divorce or have problem getting him to leave / sell.
Renting will probably cost more (although you get interest on your savings from equity you may also have to pay tax on these and also need think whether you would need protect this money from him spending it) but the separation when it comes will be easier with no house to sell.
How long have you been living together as the shorter time the more likely you are to walk away with what each of you put in. So this may be a reason to end it sooner.
FWIW I put in more capital, didn’t protect it and walked away after long marriage with 70% partly for this reason and also because I had main care dc. So while the assets will be divided it doesn’t have to be 50:50 if there are reasons to depart from that.

I think my first reaction to your post would be to suggest you just leave now and tell your dm; but, you have your reasons for not doing so, and I respect that.
Does he know about your dm's offer? If he does this will make things more difficult if your dm then retracts it. I dont know how you can protect the money without telling your mother, even if you suggest protecting it she will want to know why. I think trying to persuade him to rent is your best option, maybe to check out the area before you commit, less pressure and more time to chose the right house etc.

@Grumpyeeyore this is really helpful, thank you. We’ve lived together for 12 years so I think it will be viewed as a long relationship whatever. We got together very young and moved in quickly.

interesting to know you were able to walk away with more equity still, although if I’m being honest I think he would have significantly more custody of the child than me so I imagine there’s a risk he may end up with even more money he didn’t put in in that case? I don’t want to fleece him or the child, happy to make CMS payments and make sure they’re housed, I just don’t want him having access to lots more. It feels so stressful right now.

Yeah I can’t leave now, I don’t want to split and live solo whilst in the first year of raising a baby. It would be better in so many ways but unfortunately we’re too far along for that.

I think maybe you’re right and I do have to confide in my mother. She adores him though so it will be a complicated conversation. I would have to work out how best to handle it.

He does know about her offer but she could retract it no problem - nothing in writing and we’re not very far down the process so it’s still very much her money.

I agree renting would be best. Feels like the cleanest break. He is new to the area too so maybe that’s the easiest way to spin it.

Pull out of sale.

Don't take any further money off your mother. Give her back that £100K, don't be stupid by giving your stbx half of that, that could go on housing you and the baby in 18 months time, don't waste it.

Do not get into further debt.

Plan to leave earlier than 18 months.

Why can't you talk to your mother?

Wait till you’ve had the baby - you will almost certainly not feel the same about letting him have the majority custody. So sell the house and rent. Then re-assess.

@titchy I understand what you’re saying but I think that’s very unlikely to change for me. It’s part of the reason I feel we will need to split.

She adores him and also will not want us to break up a family.

The £100k is probably gone, or half of it is. I can see nothing online that helps with that. He’s also not in a financial situation to be able to let that go in a divorce because he will need to house himself and a child.

Does anyone have any advice on a private pension that I’ve had since birth but have never paid any money into since we got together? Will that be seen a marital assets?

All assets will be considered. Why are you letting him have more custody of unborn child?

Because I didn’t want a baby in the first place. As I said, this is a big part of why I feel we will need to separate in the near future.

Do you WANT him to have more than 50/50 or full custody of the baby? I'm not sure of your thought processes there. Maybe it's to do with your work schedule or something like that. Have you really thought that aspect through?

Cross post with your explanation about custody of the child. OK that's your decision, but I would hedge my bets for now and not go all nuclear on that aspect yet. When child is born you may feel differently. Then again, you may not.

I agree, I don’t want to do anything until I’m back at work anyway. I’m trying to work out how best to keep things on hold until then.

Consider whether there is any possibility you are suffering with perinatal depression? You may feel clearer (and slight chance of more positive) post birth, or able to access support now.

Gently and said with all the kindness… are you okay? Prepartum depression and anxiety is a real thing.

Would you benefit from talking to a professional?

Youre making some big statements and whilst you said you didn’t want a baby, you did get pregnant and keep it… and you have no idea how you feel when they’re born.

You just sound very lost.

You need professional help, why did you keep the pregnancy if you didn’t want the child? Why are you planning to not have custody?

I feel very panicked. I don’t think it matters whether I have depression or not because that’s a separate issue to the main one - I am pregnant with a child I do not feel happy to raise and am married to a man I no longer feel able to be married to. I want to get out of these situations with the least damage caused to everyone involved.

We had an incident yesterday that confirmed to me our marriage will not survive. I am trying to do what’s best for myself and everyone.

Be very careful about saying anything to her if she "adores" him. Unfortunately that generation can have toxic and unhelpful views on marriage (e.g. you must stay married for the children no matter what) and if you're not certain she will take your side, then don't tell her yet.

Because when I got pregnant I kept expecting the maternal feelings to kick in and to start feeling excited. I’m nearly in my third trimester and it’s become clear that isn’t happening so I need to prepare for what I imagine may happen post birth.

If I change my mind over the first year of parenting I will obviously pursue a joint custody arrangement. Again, another reason to not rush into this.

I agree with the PP that said if you can pull out of the sale and stay put (the baby is a good excuse for this), that would make the most sense. Then you can still rent somewhere when the baby is older while the divorce goes through/the house is sold, if you still feel the same. Hopefully your Mum will still be prepared to help towards a new place when you're in a position to buy without the liability of handing half the gift over in the financial settlement.

Do you feel you were coerced into the pregnancy? If so, as previous posters have just suggested, some help with that aspect might be really helpful. If not, pregnancy and impending baby is massively stressful (even without unhappiness in a relationship) and it could still do a lot of good working through the feelings with someone.

@Rubbleonthedouble2 I am frightened that this is what will happen. She loves and supports me but also loves him, and is very excited for a grandchild. As you can see from this thread she’s been very financially involved in our lives so it would be hard if that was withdrawn, but I make good money and if I need to do that I could.

Oh god you sound bereft and dare I say it, cold about everything. I realise that not every woman is cut out to be a mother, but you are nearly there now, and decisions need to be made, not in a years time. You are just kicking the can down the road and that will make things a lot worse, false hopes for DH and so on. Better to be upfront now. It's YOUR life and happiness, not that of your mother or your DH from now on.

However, I really think you could benefit from talking to someone independent of your family circle. What about your midwife, they can refer you to counselling, which even if you are dead against it, might just put your thoughts in the proper order, and discover exactly why you feel the way you do. With zero judgement. Offloading your problems like this can be a gateway to clearer thoughts and rational decisions. I would advise this.