How should I handle moving house if my marriage may end? (Also pregnant!)

[discontentedsummer]

For various reasons, I think my marriage will probably not survive another few years. But I am currently pregnant with our first child and so we cannot split now.

We are in the middle of selling our first home. We have buyers and are going through the surveys etc. right now. This house has a lot of equity, primarily from the £100k deposit which was gifted by my mother. This is not protected in any way and I am at peace with splitting that equally with my husband.

We are currently trying to find a new house to buy. My mother wants to give us £200k additional cash for this purchase. I do not want this with the current situation in my marriage as I do not want my husband having access to even more of my family money (in addition to the original deposit he also has had a car purchased by my mother, and money in various other ways like for our wedding etc.)

If I am planning on leaving him when my maternity leave is over (around 18 months), what is the best way of handling this? We are trying to move about two hours away - should we pull out of our house sale or rent in the new location? Any ideas for the best way of presenting this? I’m also not ready to discuss this candidly with my mother.

@fantam when you say decisions need to be made now not in a years time, what do you mean? I can’t honestly see how it benefits anyone to split during pregnancy. The best thing for everyone here is to have a stable family unit for the baby’s first year of life, before making longer term decisions, surely?

If you were in any way coerced into pregnancy are you sure the man should have sole charge of a vulnerable child? It does sound like you should talk to real life people about your situation and your options.

I wasn’t coerced into pregnancy.

I’m glad that’s not your situation. The ‘incident’ isn’t something that you feel would affect his ability to be a good and safe parent then, it sounded a bit worrying? It still sounds like a very complicated set of emotions and situation, and like having real life advice would be helpful for you? Pregnancy and postnatal hormones are a mad ride even when nothing else is going on.

I meant put your proposed plan in place, write it down, and work out how you think things will go, different scenarios etc. financially, emotionally, custody wise and so on. It can be changed, and possibly will as you progress through the pg and the first few months of baby's life.

I still think you should explore the idea of speaking with someone independent and non judgmental about all your thoughts, issues, and fears. Best of luck love.

You need to talk to your midwife honestly and confidentially about how you feel. If at all possible I would pull out of moving. Tell your mother how you feel - at least making sure she doesn’t give you anymore money. And don’t make any decisions until after the baby is here - it might make a world of difference.

Does it help if I said I had zero maternal feelings and actually disliked other people's children and yet, when they placed my firstborn in my arms I became a tigress. The hormonal changes can be that instantaneous and overpowering. Nature is amazing at times ❤ I went on to have a second child and I adore both, but still hate other people's 😉

But if you don't feel the same after the baby is born then speak to your midwife/health visitor. They can be very supportive.

She adores him and also will not want us to break up a family.
Your mother isn't living intimately with him so her views do not count. Only your feelings and thoughts count.

Edit
The best thing for everyone here is to have a stable family unit for the baby’s first year of life, before making longer term decisions, surely?
No. Not at the expense of the mother's mental and emotional health, ie yours. It's far better you make plans to leave now.

Renting is a good idea. Proceed with the sale and the money can go in the bank in the meantime. Reassess in 18 months time how you feel about him, the child etc. Maybe dont tell your mother anything yet, just that you dont feel able to commit to buying another house right now, you want to focus on the baby and once youre feeling recovered and more settled in the new area then you can look at house hunting. Plus you want to live there for a bit to know where to pick, and there is a lot more to consider with a baby (nursary, schools ect). Shut down all conversation her gifting more money, nothing in writing as that can be used in court. Are you sure about this new area, as once you have a baby its not easy to move if you split.

Are you sure he will ultimately want sole custody or the majority of custody of your child, assuming you still don’t have maternal feelings post birth? If he doesn’t want to do that, do you have another plan?