Return to work, be a SAHM or downgrade?

[SultanasAndRaisins]

I’m currently on maternity leave with our second child and due to return to work in November. Like most jobs there are parts that I enjoy and parts that I really don’t enjoy.

Without being too outing, I’m in a senior education role. There isn’t much scope to move roles at the same grade as these jobs don’t come up very often. Line manager is from a slightly different background to me and micromanages far more than would be expected given my seniority, which is frustrating and professionally stifling.

My commute is around an hour each way (assuming the traffic behaves), with no scope to WFH (would be doable on occasion, but old school manager wont allow - and this is the type of language she uses despite me being quite senior).

The quandary I have is that DH has had a promotion, which is more than my salary (even after tax). We could manage without my salary, which would give me more time with our children while they’re young. However, I’m well aware of the vulnerable position this puts me in (pensions etc) and I’m not sure I want to give up my career, though a career break could be worth considering.

Another option is to downgrade and apply for a lower graded post with more flexibility. However, I’m a bit concerned this could look rubbish on my CV and I don’t even know when such a role could come up.

I’ve worked hard to get to where I am professionally and I’m now conflicted about how to prioritise the different areas of my life. I realise I’m fortunate to have choices in this area given DH being a high earner.

Not sure what I’m expecting from this post and thanks if you got this far.

I did this and it worked really well for me. Things I would say-

• you haven't said anything about whether you would actually like to be at home with the kids. I think this makes a huge difference- everything else being equal, is it something you would choose to do? Some women love it and some really don't so please do include your own feelings in the equation.
• Is your sector one in which it's reasonably easy to come back after a break? Do people regularly do this? Will you need some way to keep in touch with developments in the sector or will things stay fairly static?

I think something to consider is seeing some sort of employment coach to see where your skills could be used in other jobs. You might find you could be a paid a lot more for working outside education or even within education but somewhere else. It doesn't always track that you have to return to the school environment. Of course term time jobs are highly sort after but you have to balance that with the work environment. Could you move schools and get out from under the micromanagement? Reduce your commute?

Pension wise you can always pay into a private pension if you decide to either become a SAHM, work part time or full time with a position downgrade. It would depend how much AVCs you can pay into your work pension. All worth considering.

If you do become a SAHM things to consider, access to money, attitudes toward money and spending and whether family money and a split off individual money might be worth considering.

If your Dh would see all household and caring responsibilities as yours even when home from work both before and after school and on weekends. Is he the sort of chap who would leave you throwing up and living on the toilet to look after 2 children because his job is oh so important?

It is right that @ItTook9Years raises the point that a lot of men wouldn't think twice about their role. Dh did, he was hands on from day 1, worked for companies that prioritised families, this allowed him to take time out the day for sports days or occasionally not being available because I was sick. I originally worked part time, we shared nursery runs and Ds's sick days from nursery. I went into being a SAHM with some caution because I had always earned my own money so it felt strange to not contribute financially. I am fine about it now

However, my sons are now adults, it was the best decision we ever made and it worked incredibly well for us. I loved being home with the children but it isn't for everyone. You can always change your mind about any of it, nothing is set in stone.

I gave up work after my first but I got another job for 1 day per week and went back to uni to study part time further in my field and became an academic in an incredibly family friend position. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing especially if there is good money coming in.

You need the long term view though. I know lots of women who've loved taking career breaks to be SAHMs. They've loved it less when they try to get back into the workforce.

Thanks for all the replies, lots of food for thought.

In answer to some of the questions:

We have shared finances and access to money wouldn’t be a problem. DH would be very happy for me to give up work as in many ways it would make his life easier, despite then having the pressure of being the sole earner.

DH would be supportive if I was ill and fortunately wouldn’t expect me to solo parent. His role, whilst pretty senior, also has elements of flexibility and a positive culture (shame mine isn’t more like his!)

I’ve enjoyed maternity leave and think I’d probably enjoy being at home, though obviously a grumpy 2/3 year old is very different to a smiley baby who is happy with a walk in the buggy as an activity. The oldest is at school and the youngest would go to nursery 2/3 days per week for socialisation and so I could get stuff done (dog to the vets, dentist, optician etc), so I’d have some time to myself in the week with weekends for family time. It would also give me time to get stuff done around the house during the week.

I’m very aware that none of my circle of mum friends are SAHMs. A couple are part time, but day to day life as a SAHM would be very different to life on maternity leave from a social perspective. I’m not sure how much regular adult company I’d have.

I worry about not using my brain. I’ve been in academia/work all my adult life and can’t imagine not working. I also think I might feel like I’m not a functional member of society and not sure how I’d feel about being financially dependent on DH, even though he wouldn’t care.

I have asked for part time, but have been told this isn’t feasible unfortunately. I disagree, but I don’t think I can go any further with this unless I find a different job.

I’ll go back to work in November as planned. Apart from anything else I’d have to pay my maternity pay back if I didn’t return. It’ll be interesting to hear how the maternity cover team member got on, maybe the micromanagement and inflexibility might have improved a little with someone else in post (I can only dream)

After a few months if things remain a bit shit I might have a rethink.