Return to work, be a SAHM or downgrade?

[SultanasAndRaisins]

I’m currently on maternity leave with our second child and due to return to work in November. Like most jobs there are parts that I enjoy and parts that I really don’t enjoy.

Without being too outing, I’m in a senior education role. There isn’t much scope to move roles at the same grade as these jobs don’t come up very often. Line manager is from a slightly different background to me and micromanages far more than would be expected given my seniority, which is frustrating and professionally stifling.

My commute is around an hour each way (assuming the traffic behaves), with no scope to WFH (would be doable on occasion, but old school manager wont allow - and this is the type of language she uses despite me being quite senior).

The quandary I have is that DH has had a promotion, which is more than my salary (even after tax). We could manage without my salary, which would give me more time with our children while they’re young. However, I’m well aware of the vulnerable position this puts me in (pensions etc) and I’m not sure I want to give up my career, though a career break could be worth considering.

Another option is to downgrade and apply for a lower graded post with more flexibility. However, I’m a bit concerned this could look rubbish on my CV and I don’t even know when such a role could come up.

I’ve worked hard to get to where I am professionally and I’m now conflicted about how to prioritise the different areas of my life. I realise I’m fortunate to have choices in this area given DH being a high earner.

Not sure what I’m expecting from this post and thanks if you got this far.

Ah OP this is a tough one because I don't think there really is any objectively 'right' answer - it's totally down to you and how you want to live your life with your family and career and all the priorities in between to balance. I know that's stating the obvious - but I say it because if you're waiting for a moment of inspiration to strike and the 'right' answer to suddenly appear, it's probably unlikely. I would say the best way to approach it is to ask yourself, what would make you the most happy/content?

For my part, I'm on a 'career break' just now - so still employed technically and due back at work in early 2027 having had 3 years out with 3 (soon to be 4) children. I suspect I will go back part time for a few months at least to pay my dues back to the workplace and see how it goes but ultimately, what this career break has shown me is that I'm happier with less stuff/money and far richer/happier in terms of time with the children. I loved my career but I feel like I achieved that at the right time in my life and now I'm prioritising something else.

I went back to work full time after my first and second. It's become a lot more difficult just from a practical point of view after having number 3.. I suspect it'll be even more challenging when new baby is here! But that being said, it was already difficult with just one when they're sick and you have to manage work and childcare. I don't miss that pressure.

I know I'm lucky, like you, to have the choice with my husband being a good earner. A lot of people have no choice - and even some that do, choose to continue their career, which is the right choice for them.

This is probably a really unhelpful reply! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I hope you find a point of clarity that helps you make the right decision for you xx

I’m on a career break and sahm for the last 3 years. Love it. Wouldn’t trade it. Happy I made this decision

I was in a similar situation. Intended to go back to work after dc2 but some logistics changed making it all practically far more difficult that it had been previously, and DH got a promotion.

Decided to take a break and see how we managed on one salary.

The house exploded, DH left me penniless, no employer would even look at me and I lost my ironing board.

Actually no, none of that happened. It made life a lot easier for a couple of years, then I got another job when things had settled down a bit.

However, I wasn't particularly wedded to my job. And I'm not back in the same role or at the same level - I do what suits me. So not quite the same situation.

Could you ask your employer for a sabbatical? When dc are babies even a year or 6 months can be enough for things to get a little easier - although with school holidays etc things don't ever become simple.
Or look around for another employer/role that's more flexible?

what this career break has shown me is that I'm happier with less stuff/money and far richer/happier in terms of time with the children.

I found this too. Really didn't look back once I'd left. Decision was tough, but right for us.

It is always tricky...

You have a career you can return to at any level ..... Enjoy the time with your kids.... They are not young for long anyway ....

It sounds like you are worried if you take a less senior senior, your CV will be ruined but in reality everyone would understand it because you have a young family ... You can go up when you feel like it .

Personally I wouldn't leave work completely. That's what I did to look after family. Now I've the chance I thought about returning to a PT role and there is nothing out there. Applying for shop jobs, etc either. Despite previously having a long career and related degree to my post etc.

I don't have to work but thought it would be quite nice to get a PT job, how wrong I was thinking this could be achieved! If you can take a career break and in that time decide what you want to do, I think that is the better option than leaving completely.

Go back to work. It would be a no-brainer for me.

I had a career break after my second child was born. It was 25 years ago and in those days maternity pay wasn’t as good as it is now, and there was no financial help with childcare.

Having two children in nursery wasn’t financially sensible, especially as I had a long and expensive commute (3 hours a day on a good day), so I had just over two years off and went back to work 3 days a week when the older one started school at 4.

It was the best solution for us at the time. I wouldn’t have wanted to hand in my notice, but the career break gave me the confidence to stay at home for a couple of years because I knew I would have a job to return to. Yes my pension took a hit, but when I went back full time I was able to pay more in (though I didn’t think about doing that as soon as I should have done)!

I became a sahm. I didn't enjoy my job and DH earned well. Built up my pension and some investments so I have income coming in and I don't feel vulnerable. I never cared much for a career though. I loved spending every day with my dcs before they started school, and I like not having to worry about childcare during school holidays, and being able to attend every school event.

It’s interesting that DHs never seem to have this dilemma, isn’t it? They chase the promotions and work long hours and often travel without a second thought when they become fathers. Boardrooms full of them. Almost as though it benefits them to have it that way.

A perpetual cycle of making sure women can’t get ideas above their station/leave the kitchen.

If he's earning more than your salary, and you'd be saving money on childcare, then it would be affordable to make extra NI / pension contributions.

I'm a SAHM. I'd vital to my children but replaceable in a job. No one else could look after them with quite the love and knowledge that I do. And these years are so precious.

If it meant I had to retire later it would still be worth it - I can't imagine retirement years being as fulfilling and joyful and special as time with my young children.

DH stopped all work travel that required being away overnight after we had dc1, and he also opted not to go for promotions as it would have required evening work, so that he could be a hands-on dad every evening. He earns well but can manage his own schedule, and we live close to his office to avoid a long commute, so he is able to drop off dcs at school before work and is home by dinnertime every day so we can eat a family meal together.

I would take the career break as I’d love to be a sahm with little kids and it doesn’t sound like a nice job, in education people should be understanding about people taking time out for kids. You’re married so financially protected, you need to chat about your acccess to husband salary though is it a joint account/one family pot?

Hi OP, the exact same happened to me except I was the most senior. I actually swapped roles with my deputy and went very part-time two days per week. It was such a difficult decision but honesty I’ve never looked back. Both my DD now at school and I still work the same hours. My DH career has sky rocketed and he works very intense hours and I’ve been happy to have the time with our family, spend more time in the home etc. it works for us.

Now my DD are at school I’ve found time to hobbies, I enjoy having time to do the housework, look after the garden etc while still maintaining my career. Is part time an option for you?

I suspect it's because if one person is going to drop hours/take a break, it is the lesser earning one, which currently is more likely to be the woman, unfortunately. I have friends where there is no disparity in earrings and they have taken shared leave, or both work fewer days or compressed hours.

Going back to work we share the school runs (dh arranges work time to do his half when I'm working and vice versa).

But yes I agree with your sentiment. The childcare shouldn't go to the mother by default.

Have you tried going for a FT role but approaching them first about the possibility of it being PT or job share? Some employers are pretty good at this and have lots of employees working flexibly.

The downsides of your job would be very off-putting for me. You have a long commute, a line manager who micromanages you inappropriately and a boss who is inflexible and 'old school'. As a parent who works it's so much easier if you have a short commute and a flexible manager. As for your line manager - life is much better for anyone at any stage of life if they have one of those who is your ally and who doesn't overstep.

In your shoes I would take a career break. You don't need to work right now, your home life and your DC will be much easier and happier if you don't, and as long as your DH is on board and your marriage is good I would do it. Can you take a sabbatical for a year and see how you feel at the end of it?

I actually earned more than dh but took a career break after have dd2. There's a very short gap between 1 and 2. Then the company relocated so I took redundancy. Never looked back. On my death bed I don't be thinking I should have worked more. My dh worked shifts we had little family help it's worked for us. I looked after my grandparents until they died too. Had 2 more children and did childminding for a while then retrained. Only ever wanted to work part time. I'm self employed and thus year and probably last I've more or less worked full time some long hours. I won't be doing it next year. Money is great but the more you have the more you spend. I have never regretted my choice even though had I stayed in my original profession I probably would be earning silly money. Nothing can beat having your child run out if school with all their news, attending all their stuff. It's each to their own but I have zero regrets.

I went back to work but I only do 4 days a week, fairly flexible hours and fully from home. If my working options sounded like yours I'd have been more tempted to pack it in and take a break as a SAHM for a while.

I do struggle with the idea of being financially dependent on someone though. Although I don't earn badly (for the UK, and for the work I do) DH makes more than double what I do. So I'm already fairly reliant on him as we wouldn't have the house we do, or the holidays we do without him, and he is putting into pensions for both of us. I am loath to take that even further and not have any income at all.

I think in your position I would be looking for a more flexible role. If you don't actually need your salary, then doing something that pays less but brings more flexibility feels like a good move. Easier said than done in this economic climate though I think.

I’d take the career break. Could you study in that period?

I would try a less stressful part time role nearby first and if you don't like that be a homemaker. If you don't even fancy a part time lower grade job then clearly your heart want to be a sahm which your children will love.
You can pay into your own pension and have savings, make sure the child benefit or NI credits are in your name. Being a SAHM is great if you are married to a man who values a sahm and who is open with finances, and where you can keep some money for yourself. If he is tight and controls everything, looks down on sahms then obviously it won't end well.

I would never leave employment fully unless you are able to pay the same amount in a private pension as you currently pay plus what your employer contributes and increase this annually to keep track on lost salary increases and bonuses.

Different sector (Healthcare) but I down banded, went part time when dc were small. It did temporarily stall my career but allowed me to continue working, maintain professional registration and still enjoy time with dc. Once in secondary I did progress again. I was asked at subsequent interviews about the down banding but was able to explain it and it appeared perfectly acceptable.

you like working then I'd look for something more flexible/fewer hours etc so you have something. If you think being a full time parent would be enjoyable, then do that, but make sure you are contributing to your pension from your household income. And all income is fully accessible to you.
only you know what is right. I personally couldn't be financially reliant on someone else. and do bear in mind how competitive the job market is, if you step away for a while it will likely be harder to get back in.

I downgraded. Funnily enough I was also working in education but I wanted something more flexible to fit around the children. I ended up in a part time admin job with a short commute. I make extra pension contributions to make up for the shortfall.

I wouldn't want to give up work completely, and technically I am way over qualified for the work I now do but I'm much happier. Our work life balance is far better overall, DDs don't need to be in after school club every day and they were only in nursery three days a week. I'm home before 5pm most days I work.

Technically we could afford for me to stay at home but I do like working still and wouldn't ever want to be fully financially reliant on DH. I like that DDs see me going out to work too and I think that's important.

My current plan is to go back full time or try and progress more once DDs are at secondary school but who knows? We're quite happy the way things are.