WWYD? Holiday BF can't afford

[Roundhands]

DP/BF of 2 years. Committed relationship, plans made well ahead, would rely on each other in a crisis, but no plans or desire to live together or share finances. I don't know what that's called when you're grown up 🤣

There's a holiday I'd like to go on. It's around an interest of mine, which DP takes an interest in and is happy to join me with, but it's my thing not his.

When I was single, I'd have gone (did go) alone. I have friends I travelled with but this is a big trip, more expensive than the minibreaks we have.

DP would enjoy this holiday, I think, but it's much more expensive than he would ever spend on a trip, even one that was important to him.

So my choices are to go alone or to pay for him, or at least contribute for him, or not go at all. TBH I don't know if he'd accept me paying.

I think if I said I was going alone, he'd be fine, but equally I'm not sure how thrilled I'd be if he announced he was going off on a special trip without me.

I can afford it easily, but am sometimes concious that everything I spend reduces funds that will ultimately go to DC (either inheritance or gifts).

What if you both contributed to a joint holiday fund? I appreciate you don’t want to share finances but do it as more of like a fun thing for you both when you want to do something I.e the holiday

i would personally pay some towards him (if it’s affordable for you) but that’s just me ☺️

I think it is good for partners to have different interests and sometimes do things separately. To give each other space to think and miss each other. If I were you I would go by myself. To consider otherwise, DP needs to show more of an interest and commitment to support himself.

It's your thing. You want to go and have the money. Go and do something else with him at a different time.

So you have children or you don't? And with him or not with him? Are these real or imaginary children?

I have adult children. He doesn't.

Either pay towards his costs, don’t go, or just go on your own. They are the only options.

I said that 🤣

Ok, thanks for clarifying, because it wasn't clear. Why don't you just go alone then?

It s onlyvtwo years .
Do your thing.
Book a separate weekend away with him which you pay for

I would start with the following - would you rather DP came, or are you not fussed as long as you get to go?
Then, would DP want to go if you contributed more, or would he not be fussed?
If you don't know, ask him!

If it were me and we both preferred to go together then I would pay for both of us or contribute more, but if either one of us wasn't fussed about DP coming then I'd go alone.

I'd go alone, DP of 4 years, also don't live together, but will soon-ish. We both go on trips without each other and have done the entire relationship. I can't ski, DP does that with his mates, I'll travel for my sport, or have a girls trip with my teen daughter. I think it's healthy to do things apart. It's normal to have a bit of FOMO but I wouldn't let that stop DP from doing his things, and he wouldn't stop me doing mine. We will continue to be this way when we live together (probably helps that we are in similar financial situations though)

Just go, on your own.

As for gifts/inheritance to your children, that makes no sense. Are you planning to live a life of penury till you die, so you can pass your money on to your children? I hope not!

Don't put off a trip or joy for the thought of your children's inheritance. I say that as the daughter of parents who are going on lots of trips! Good for them. They couldn't while they cared for their elderly parents and I want them to live their big wonderful wild and precious lives as much as they possibly can. So go on, get yourself booked on this trip.

Would having do with you enhance the trip? If so and you can afford it tell him you'd love it if he joined you.

If you'd rather go alone just do that. Presumably it doesn't stop you holidaying with him later.

If he has a problem with you going alone then you've got bigger issues.

Assuming you have a decent amount of money to leave to your DCs, ignore that. Do you shop in Oxfam rather than Next in case your spend your dc’s inheritance, walk instead of public transport, never eat out?

So the holiday - would YOU like his company there? If yes then ask him and suggest you contribute to his costs. If you’re not that bothered if he comes or not, then tell him about it, but say you’re happy to go alone if it’s too expensive for him.

Really it boils down to if you’d like to go with him.

No, I wouldn't not go myself for that reason, but I don't know, chucking money around treating someone else seems different.

Do you want him to come along? Would you prefer to go as a couple than on your own? If so, say that to him and that as it's an expensive trip and it's for your interest/hobby that he doesn't share you'd be happy to pay for him or contribute towards his fare and see what he says. If he says no, he wouldn't be comfortable with that, then ask if he'd mind if you go alone.

I'd go alone - it's your thing, you can afford it and he's only got a vague interest in it through you and can't pay his own way.

You could always sound him out gently - let him know you've seen this trip and are considering it.

If the trip would be more fun with him then I’d contribute so that he could come along .

If your main objective is to do the trip because of your interest, then just go alone and then do a cheaper hol with him that is more affordable to him and the interest is more mutual.

If you would really like him to be with you and it would be more special and enjoyable with him, then ask him along and offer a subsidy - say you pay for the accommodation or something.

It is good that you think about your adult Dc but your life is yours to live with your money. Just don't marry him, put all your money in joint savings and put his name on your house Deeds.

Oh I see. I'd rather my parents paid for a friend or relative to go with them to a concert or a meal or a weekend away than that person miss out - it's their money to spend on their people.

I do understand your quandary though and your worry that it could be somehow emasculating for him. Could you package it up as a treat or gift to him. "I've loved doing this trip on my own in the past but I would love to share it with you this time so I'd like to gift you this holiday for our anniversary/whatever". Either that or go solo and plan a smaller joint something for when you're back.

Why don't you pay for the accomodation and let him pay for his own flights? You would have had that cost (more or less) regardless of if he was coming or not. Or would his flights be too much for him to pay as well?

Would you prefer him there or would you rather go solo? This is the crux because if you'd rather go solo (or have no preference) then do that. If you'd rather he was there I'd consider part funding him. Your op is all about his feelings and what he would want but really it's your preferences that matter more in this situation.

Personally although I've done plenty of solo travel I prefer to have a companion so I'd be exploring whether he'd be open to me part paying for him, but obviously it comes down to personal preference.

Would you enjoy the trip more if he was on it? If so, I'd offer to pay for him, since you can easily afford it. I don't think you should be worrying about your DC's inheritence.

Unless you really want him to go with you, then go alone. Why should you sub him anyway? I'd honestly just book it and go myself - in fact I did a big holiday earlier this year without DH. Go and enjoy!!