How can I address a friend's constant interrupting without harming our friendship?

[PettyMare]

Is there a way to diplomatically let a friend know that her relentless interrupting is really annoying but remain friends?

We're currently away together and whilst it's a habit I've noticed for years, it's particularly irritating right now.

Friend usually visits for 2-3 days, other family around which helps lesson the impact, but now with just us 2, it's grating.

I can be talking about an experience at work, shopping or anything really, but she talks over me to tell me about her own experience of said topic. I'm not a wallflower but I do draw the line at talking over her to make my original point.

Or do I just let it go for the sake of a decades long friendship.

No. Either way she will feel hurt and accused. She will probably then feel uncomfortable around you as she won’t know how to have a natural conversation as she’ll be afraid of interrupting you. So she will start to avoid you.

There are two types of communicators in the world - turn taking communicators and cooperative overlappers. You are one of each. By sharing her experience she’s trying to say ‘yes, I understand and sympathise because it was similar to when X happened to me’ whereas you’re hearing her and thinking she’s being selfish. Incompatible styles.

She does this - One group expresses empathy by matching (“That happened to me too, I understand”).

You do this - The other expresses empathy by witnessing (“I’m here, I’m listening, keep going”).

They clash

Is she self centered or is she on the spectrum? Because interrupting and telling a similar story about herself is very ND and showing empathy. You could ask if she realises that she interrupts and see how she reacts.

I had a friend like that, it was exhausting, I never got to finish telling her anything, I used to try and rush what I was saying just to get it out but to no avail, it was so awkward, the friendship just drifted off in the end but I hadn’t known her for years like you, difficult one OP.

Like earlier posters say, she's probably trying to show you she understands/empathises.
Just tell her you don't like that method, and you just want her to listen/nod etc. The stereotype is that men annoy women because instead of listening, they try to fix/advise, but both men and women sometimes just upset someone they're trying to be kind to by their response style.

I also have a good friend who does this all the time. I find it really irritating but I just wait till she's finished her anecdote and then carry on exactly where I left off when she interrupted me.

First post nails it.
i also personally find that people include a lot of unnecessary detail or drag out their stories, and I just want them to get to the point so I inadvertently interrupt them 😬

I'm a nightmare for doing this but I know it's ADHD and I am aware (now) and do try and check myself.
My brother tells me straight. We usually only get to speak on the phone due to distance... He'll start of by saying, for example - On Friday... And I'm straight in there with Omg Friday yeah - launching in to my tale.
He just says, Gammy, stop now, I was speaking, you can have your turn once I've finished.
We laugh about it but it's a recognised trait and we're close enough to be able to do that.

Whilst I can see that she's matching her experience, something in common. It's not always through empathy. Or, it is but needs to wait until you've finished.

Don't let it go, you'll end up resenting her and probably snapping.
Can you interrupt back with something like - Okay, let me just finish what I was saying... Oh right, anyway going back to what I was saying...
Or - friend, are you aware that you jump in and don't let me finish what I'm saying?

I don't know, I'm not very good at this 🤣

She'll either get the hint, or she won't. Otherwise I fear you're going to have to be blatant. I didn't really know I was doing it until I was diagnosed and still kept doing it, but trying not to.
I don't really take offence, so I'd be okay with it being pointed out. It is the only way to make me reflect on something that I struggle to control.
I'm not even a me me me person.
It's a case of - ooh I know about that too, let me tell you my experience! No Gammy don't!!

I know i do this. I try really hard not to now I’m older and more aware. I find it helps to avoid caffeine and alcohol. I won’t lie, it’s really hard to sustain and it exhausts me, but if I want to make new friends it’s necessary. I always wonder if the Auti/ADHD DX is right for me then I attempt to

do something new or mix with new people and it’s like being in Mars ;-) but I make the effort because in small curated doses it keeps my social skills exercised and that’s apparently good for avoiding dementia !

Oh meant to say, you can just say ‘as I was saying’ or my partner just says ‘can I finish speaking’. I don’t take offence with him and I tell my few very close friends they can do this with me but somehow they don’t. But I think they realise I make a lot of effort to try and be present and listen.

I’ve had conversations with my NT partner about this and he just has no sense of how much effort is involved. He is sympathetic and decent about but he can’t pretend to empathise.

ADHD is such a bitch at times, not the obvious things but the things most people aren’t really aware of.

I have a friend whose ADHD presents very similarly to mine and we honestly have amazing chats, we interrupt each other with our empathic experiences and then circle back, neither of us feels annoyed or embarrassed, it just happens naturally. I’ve never had that with anyone else and I wonder if it’s what chats feel like for many NT people - just relaxed, unforced, natural, and not exhausting or embarrassing!

ill admit sometimes i do like to rush to say x rather than waiting for them to finish

Yes I have amazing chats with other ADHD/Autistic people. It’s just as you describe. The best doctor I ever had was ADHD - we got through so much in a short time!
And yet I can find myself drifting off with other people as I can’t stay focused easily. It’s certainly a mission isn’t it!

Whether it’s ADHD or not, the OP is allowed to feel as she does about it. The cause isn’t really the point here, it’s the impact.

I have long suspected that I have ADHD, and I also find myself interrupting others. I know I’m doing it, and I struggle to hold back until the person has finished talking, or I fear I’ll combust!

All of what you say in your post resonates so much with me, and I recognise myself in so many, if not all, of the posts on here.

That’s pretty horrible.

ADHD or not, it's good to have some self awareness about this.

Waiting for a natural pause is a good way to combat this, I find.

I probably have interrupted in the past, like a lotttt younger, maybe because I was afraid I would forget the point by the time the convo was up. But it's rude to do it and I wanted to keep my friends, so really had to learn not to do it or monopolise a conversation.

My dear friends know (I've explained) that if I tell a similar story of my own experiences, I am doing it to show empathy and that I can relate to them. Very typical ND thing to do, not to one up them.

Op I wouldn't go into a massive speel about her interrupting at first, if she starts, just calmly say I haven't finished my conversation and then carry on talking. If she has any sense of self, she will be embarrassed and apologise.

If she carries on, then I'd let her know it's become problematic and it's upsetting the natural flow of conversation.

I have a colleague that I always feel like I'm interrupting, but if I didn't I'd never get to say anything.

She'll speak for ages about one thing, then try and change to something else she wants to say without stopping. So if I want to add something I have to just talk, or just sit there being talked at.

Yes, some people want to offload and aren’t really interested in your stories

Conversational narracism

Yes but it’s useful to reflect on the cause because it could well affect how the OP feels about it also how she handles it.

I also thought your friend might have ADHD, in which case she can’t help it. Whatever the cause, I’d be direct and say something like. “Let me continue, I haven’t finished what I was saying.”. It’s not rude. I wouldn’t try to be subtle because she may not take the hint.

It sounds very frustrating.

I think in any friendship if you don’t set boundaries then resentment will build up. I mean it does hurt. Your attempt at sharing gets turned into a competition for speaking time.

The kindest thing to say is essentially something along the lines:

“Can I say something? Sometimes when I’m sharing something, you respond really fast with your own version of it, and I end up cut off. I’d really love it if you can give me a bit more time to finish before we compare experiences.”

She probably doesn’t realise she’s doing it. I personally think it’s better for a relationship to bring it up than let resentment build or for it to drift away.

Being someone who responds about your experience for 10 minutes & never returning the conversation to the original speaker isn’t showing empathy, it’s self absorption .

what an excellent post.

I was bracing for “does she have adhd?”

First time I’ve heard of this and it makes a lot of sense.

this is my issue - a friend has recently been diagnosed and has realised they interrupt and has made it a focus to work on.

I have one like this too, it's awful, I have forgotten everything I wanted to say in reply by the end, and feel trapped by the constant stream of talking