How can I address a friend's constant interrupting without harming our friendship?

[PettyMare]

Is there a way to diplomatically let a friend know that her relentless interrupting is really annoying but remain friends?

We're currently away together and whilst it's a habit I've noticed for years, it's particularly irritating right now.

Friend usually visits for 2-3 days, other family around which helps lesson the impact, but now with just us 2, it's grating.

I can be talking about an experience at work, shopping or anything really, but she talks over me to tell me about her own experience of said topic. I'm not a wallflower but I do draw the line at talking over her to make my original point.

Or do I just let it go for the sake of a decades long friendship.

FWIW I talk too much and am an over lapper, and adhd has been queried by those around me 😂

The way my thinking works is very visually and in lots of branches - then branches connect, associate, and I jump from topic to topic, but also back again.

The over lapping conversation style can be like this; for me it’s like a game of ping pong.

But everyone has different thinking styles. Where you have autism, adhd or not.

Others are linear (eg golf) and diversions would be interruptions.

Dyslexia has fallen out of common knowledge but the dyslexic way of thinking can be extremely associative, 3D esque. Which is why they of have to be taught to read in a very particular way but can be extremely intelligent and creative.

Very creative people (not just artists, it is a skill in science, business and maths too) can also have these thinking traits.

How you approach this with her needs care and the conversation style post is really helpful as everyone is now assuming, thanks to social media, that people who do this are autistic or adhd.

The reality is that everyone is different, has different thinking styles (eg aphantasia v hyperphantasia), some may also have a condition that makes things even more challenging (eg autism), some may have it and not be diagnosed because it doesn’t particularly affect them, and a few may just have a self absorbed personality.

( ND is not a diagnosis, it’s a social justice term to describe disabilities which are neurological. The problem is here that these conditions are subjective.)

Interesting article, esp that men and women are judged differently

https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/conversation-style-interruption-cooperative-overlapping.html

Another really good article

Drat

https://medium.com/@evenwhenever/im-not-interrupting-i-m-connecting-9de0df3b3380

You can't really. Just don't go away with her again so that contact time is more defined and manageable. Or you could go nuclear and just carry on talking when she interrupts!!

Ask her if she realises she’s doing it?
I think I do it, not because I want to be rude, just because I want to get my sentence out. I presume it’s a ND thing. Anyway, I’m very mindful that I do it so make extra effort not too.

It’s seems the intent isnt malicious. She’s trying to participate in the conversation, clumsily.

you’ll upset and hurt her by telling her i think

Shut the fuck up Sandra and let me finish

There you go 🙂

As long as you’re sure it’s her and you aren’t one of these people who dominate conversation with really long stories!

Blow a fog horn or ring a bell every time she does it. Along the lines of ‘Pavlov’s dog’ 🤭

I think you just accept her as she is - and make a choice as to spend any length of time together in future knowing it's too much for you. There's no shame in growing out of friendships if this is getting on your nerves imo, people come and go all our lives.

I've a brother like this, but worse. He cuts through to talk about himself and not always in the same topic thread and always about how wonderful he is. It's knackering and I couldn't do more than a couple hours in his company. Even with others around I find him insufferable.

If it were a sibling or partner you could be direct and say “do you realise I wasn’t finished speaking?” Which is what my husband and I do for eachother and we’ve helped each other stop doing it as much.

A friend in my girl group will endlessly talk and interrupt others. My best friend (it’s easier in a group) will just directly say KATE… KATE… Jenny wasn’t finished talking, I was listening to her, can you wait a minute so I can hear you both? Most people who interrupt will happily sit there waiting their turn and learn to stop - they’re oblivious they’re doing it! Someone who doesn’t care what you’re saying or has an ego will react angrily… only you know your friend! And I say that as a chatty girl myself - had to teach myself - 2 ears, one mouth!

I'd say there's a third type, who isn't actually listening to what the other person is saying but is listening for an opportunity to take over the convo and talk about themself. They are the worst conversationalists, because they do just want to talk aboutbthemself and aren't really interested in what the other person hais to say (and, by extension, aren't really interested in ghevother person).

This is how I handle it.

I wait until she's finished and start again "Anyway, as I was saying, ...."

Those are all ADHD traits....

I'd keep saying "Ok, can I just have two minutes to finish my story before you launch into yours?"

Someone will have told her already so I would just do as people have said above, let her speak, then go back to your story.

I have a friend who does it all the time and I remember her telling me that someone had told her that she always does this and it made her quite sad. She tried to change but found it hard (and spent a lot less time with the person who told her than she had before as she felt so awkward).

Exactly my thoughts!

I know i do this too so have to tell myself not to! Sometimes it’s hard though because people do witter on and I’m just thinking “yes yes, get to the point!”. I don’t always reply with my own anecdote though, but I do know I do it to move the conversation forward. I’ve not got ADHD, but I am kind of impatient to people who drone on.

If you want to save your friendship, I would talk to her about it. Have a conversation specifically about this, but plan to go and do something else afterwards so that the afternoon/evening isn’t all about that. Stop by saying how much you love her or appreciate her friendship or enjoy spending time with her, and then go on to say ‘there is something I find quite difficult within our dynamic’. Just be open with her, and use ‘me’ phrases, As in you can say something like ‘I know you love to talk a lot and clearly you have a lot of words in your head that you just need to get out. When you talk over me, it makes me feel like you aren’t listening to me and my opinions aren’t valued. It makes me feel diminished and frustrated, and to be honest I can find myself getting quite cross with you, when I really don’t want to be because we have such a good time together. ‘ I would think she is probably aware that she does this, And even if she’s a little put out by it as long as you were honest and say It from a place of love not from a place of criticism ( ie Not when you’re angry!) then I don’t see why everything shouldn’t be okay. Maybe you can come up with a word or a phrase that you can say when she does it to make her aware. Even ‘ Shut up, chatterbox!’ with a laugh, Wouldn’t cause offence if it said in good humour. It could even be a hand gesture, Whatever she feels will work best. If you let her decide, I think it will work better.

I interrupt one of my friends, because if I didn't, I'd never be able to get a word in edgeways.

Just before you say anything, do analyse your own conversation. Are you asking questions, listening, or are you talking for 5 minutes without a break? I know the person I interrupt the most has a habit of just talking on and on and on and if I didn’t interrupt I’d just be sitting there while she talked on with no break, and this makes for a painful (and boring) conversation.

Yep me too, my friend goes on and on about her sister (who I don’t know at all)’s job! WTF!

I do this at work, I work with some very irritating people!

Go silent every time, lean back to subconsciously indicate you're losing interest, start looking round the room not at them, finally leave an awkward silent pause when they eventually shut up. Then, start the conversation again from the start.

God one of my friends does similar - on and on about people she works with, none of whom I know!