How should I have handled my boyfriend’s ex confronting me at dinner?

[Usernc66776]

NC for this.

I was out for dinner with BF, his DC and some friends for BF’s birthday.

He has full custody of his DC.

His xGF, mother of the DC, turned up at the restaurant and started screaming in my face accusing me of hitting the eldest DC and then started asking the DC if I had been drinking something alcoholic. I had one beer with my meal.

Just shocked by it all - she refused the take the children at the weekend when it was her EOW and just turned up with her other DC from another father.

I just don’t know how I should have reacted. I should have walked away and tried to ignore her. But I tried to defend myself. I did ignore at first and even turned my back on her but she came up to my face and pointed her finger in my face.

She can see eldest child’s location on Google Family. I find this a major intrusion in our lives. And must ensure that if the DC are at my house the eldest one doesn’t have their phone.

What was your partner doing while she was berating you? He should have told her to leave and defended you. It sounds like a horrible situation.

He was inside, he missed it all. I was outside having a cigarette with a friend.

So how did she ask DC if you’d been drinking? Were they smoking with you?

So you had DC outside with you while she was asking them if you’d had a drink?

Either that or she did go inside and DH would have seen her.

You should have put your cigarette out, walked inside and told your boyfriend. Not for him to go outside, but because he needed to know. Then you should have said he needs to deal with the phone location issue.

What did you do?

I think you should actually call the police and report it as harassment. Unless you’re going to or will send people to beat her up, which I don’t advise, The police are the only people that she will probably listen to. It will probably help nip things in the bud long term, although it won’t be pleasant, but it will show her that she cannot abuse you in public. Called the nonemergency line and say that you’re terrified you’re scared she harassed you she shouted at you she threatened you she knows where you live. She knows your location through the eldest child etc. Nip this in the bud now before it escalates even more.

I say this with my own experience in mind dealing with my son’s father where I wish I’d got the police involved sooner. But also dealing with my ex partners ex-girlfriend - She absolutely hated me and was a bit psychopathic. Police got involved and she definitely learnt her lesson. She got bailed and part of her bail conditions was to not contact me or her ex.

Why are some posters picking holes in the OP instead of answering the actual question?

Yes OP, you did the right thing by doing your best to ignore her, but when someone is as agressive as that, it is completely natural to try and defend yourself against accusations. I don't see what you could have done any differently.

How could she ask the children about you drinking if you were outside?

This is correct. You need to address this vigorously.

Since everyone seems to want to pick holes. We were 6 adults and the 2 DC.

My boyfriend’s phone rang. He said it’s the ex.

I don’t like listening to her talking with the DC so I went out the front of the restaurant to have a cigarette with a friend.
I was talking with her when the DC came running out of the restaurant shouting Mum.

I then noticed that xGF was coming towards me and I turned my back on her and continued to talk to my friend when x stuck her finger in my face, accused me of hitting her DC and then asked DC if I had been drinking.

If I had known when she called that she was outside I would have stayed inside.

I am not sure about going to the police. Social services are already involved because she has been making false allegations about people in BFs circle of friends.

However I am now scared that she knows where I live. She has started to do this more often. She’s turned up at the school and kicked off at my BF in the playground.

You need to speak to police as if she is this way inclined, that’s the only way to stop her. Unfortunately, speaking from experience.

You tried to avoid confrontation and she persisted so you stuck up for yourself, nothing wrong with that.

In hindsight yes you could have gone inside to get your BF, however this would have risked her following you and the children seeing it all.

If BF has full custody I would take back the access to the tracking on the child's phone from the mum. Log any incidents with the social worker.

You do need to call the police, it's escalating and she's harassing you. Social services are already aware and your bf needs to step up.

Is the guy worth it? Sounds like he's bringing a lot of drama and hostility into your life.

Yikes
I'd bin the lot of them

I couldn't be arsed with any of this. Crazy ex girlfriends, BFs with young DCs. Thats why ill probably be alone for the rest of my life. 😎

Hope youre ok OP.

How long have you been together? Is it always like this?

”Billy’s inside if you have an issue go and speak to him”

We actually had an amicable relationship before she lost custody of her DC. We would meet at school shows etc.
She put her DCs in danger, neglected them and lost custody.
I wonder if I had walked off would she have followed me into the restaurant continuing to shout at me.
Unfortunately, the DC saw everything and the eldest one said to their mum that I did not hit them. So then the mother started on her eldest saying that they were lying.

Then BF and one of his friends came outside as I went in and they asked her to leave and stop causing a scene.

OP that sounds awful. The ExG does not sound okay. Is her mental health something you should all be concerned about? Hope the DC was okay. It sounds terrible for them to witness that too. I can see you do not want to involve the Police but perhaps it might be wise to note all this down with times and dates incase the situation heads in that direction. I cannot imagine how awful losing custody of your child would feel but she does not sound stable or safe.

Crikey! I'm going to remain single or away from men with young children. This stress is just too much 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Yes it is a bit too much stress. We’ve been together 5 years. I’ve known the DC for 2 years now.
That side swiped me last night. I’m 50 and didn’t expect this going on in my life. I feel like I’ve stepped into an episode of Eastenders.
The younger DC gave me a hug and said don’t worry my mum makes me cry too when she complains.

You are 50? I assumed 30 max. Is your boyfriend and ex also middle aged?

I am a few years younger than you but no way would I put up with this nonsense. I'd much rather be single even if it wasn't my boyfriend's fault. That woman is going to do everything she can to ruin your life.

He is 2 years younger than me. His ex is 38.

Where did she get the idea you'd hit one of her children?

She says the eldest told her that I did.