How should I have handled my boyfriend’s ex confronting me at dinner?

[Usernc66776]

NC for this.

I was out for dinner with BF, his DC and some friends for BF’s birthday.

He has full custody of his DC.

His xGF, mother of the DC, turned up at the restaurant and started screaming in my face accusing me of hitting the eldest DC and then started asking the DC if I had been drinking something alcoholic. I had one beer with my meal.

Just shocked by it all - she refused the take the children at the weekend when it was her EOW and just turned up with her other DC from another father.

I just don’t know how I should have reacted. I should have walked away and tried to ignore her. But I tried to defend myself. I did ignore at first and even turned my back on her but she came up to my face and pointed her finger in my face.

She can see eldest child’s location on Google Family. I find this a major intrusion in our lives. And must ensure that if the DC are at my house the eldest one doesn’t have their phone.

How old are the children? If little, I'm surprised their dad didn't come outside right behind them. He really needs to take a more active role than it sounds like he has so far in protecting them, and you, from his ex.

Someone with access to the children's mobiles can go in and remove her ability to see their locations. This probably SHOULD be done, if she has lost custody. Given that there's a record of her endangering the children, documentation of her harrassing them, you, and their dad may be useful in obtaining some kind of distance or restraining order against the mum. Even if she has the right to see them, it should be at specific times in controlled circumstances with their dad's knowledge.

id use grey rock or yellow rock method but mainly avoid her

I think it just happened so fast. He was probably talking with his friends and the DC ran off. He knew I was outside so won’t have thought anything of it. It is safe out side the restaurant in a pedestrian area. I think DC were probably more excited that their baby half brother was there. DC are 9 and 11. Eldest admitted yesterday that mum is telling her what they should say to SS.
Mum is only trying to manipulate the eldest. Easter holidays she sent the younger one home earlier to BF and “kept” the older one claiming that they were ill and needed to go to hospital to get their pulse checked.
It seems to be just a game with the DC for her. She is not mentally stable, it must have been horrid that she lost custody but she locked them out of the house and demanded we got them. Didn’t want them back. 2 weeks later I went with the eldest DC to drop some neighbours home - the woman that stayed with them because we weren’t nearby. Ex asked me if I would take her baby with me and look after him.
I understand she is probably struggling at the moment however before the baby was born she was very unreasonable too. She had a job before but 6 months after splitting she quit.
She doesn’t have as much in benefits as the baby was put in the care of her parents.
Everyone says all men say they have a crazy ex but sometimes it is really the case.
She claims she can’t pick up the DC because petrol is so expensive. But she will turn up unannounced at BF’s house and the last straw was his birthday dinner.
Funny thing was at the weekend, I had thought maybe I should invite her for a coffee this week near her so we could talk mum to
mum. I was a single mum for 10 years and know the struggle but my ex had no interest in his child.
We aren’t in UK. I think I will go and talk to the police tomorrow (public holiday today). Just even to record something and get some advice. Not necessarily ask for them to do something against her.
I live alone so I am scared she knows where I live because of the DC. I’ve had them here before and looked after them when we were juggling everything last year when she threw them out and their school was 25 miles away.
All I want is that they can coparent together, that my BF doesn’t have to go to court for school choices etc.

This is all massively over the top stuff. I would walk, personally. Walk away from it all permanently.

Report her behaviour as harassment to the police and document everything.

Honestly came to say this. To what end, over a boyfriend, at 50 years. No way!!²

Me too. Feeling unsafe in my own home because my boyfriend’s crazy ex might come and cause drama is not something I would even consider putting up with at 50. Being single is much nicer.

I have just ended it with him. It was hard.5 years is long. Now I have to start again

I have been avoiding her. I have no choice if she turns up where we are

That can not have been an easy choice to make.
Non of you deserve what the Ex is doing. It is understandable that you don't wish to experience that again.
Take time for yourself now OP.
I wish you all the best 💐

No it hasn’t been an easy choice but his behaviour over the last 2 days has made it a little easier. I loved him or I love him but I can’t deal with this shit

If she's threatened you, call the police. Are you worried about the kids if she is alone with them?

How did BF's ex know where you were?

You can select to just read all OPs posts. Then you will see. It's actually in the opening post.

Police
Nutty bitch
Are you able to get some sort of protection from this lunatic?
Make you report this incase it becomes a ongoing issue.

What was his behaviour?

To add is anyone aware from he school or agencies involved helping her?
Recording from.resturant of her arriving and having ago.
Never would I tolerate feeling scared of another human being so get it recorded and proper advice from the police including physical accusations.
How unpleasant.

I met my husband at 50 and we unexpectedly got custody of his 2 very young children because their mum had many mental and behavioural issues . I love my husband and the kids dearly but honestly wouldn’t wish the last 10 years ( to date ! ) of chaos and stress on any one ! Glad you broke it off …don't end up exhausted and ragged like me at 60 …

He came over. He wanted to talk. He said I just fell into her trap. I look back on the evening and I should have just walked away. But part of me didn’t want to bring it in to the restaurant because of the way she was. I overthink too much and it’s all very well to say I should have done something differently. But in the moment, it is fight, flight or freeze. Of course I wanted to defend myself.
However social services now know about it all now and have said they will speak to her. That turning up where the DC is not acceptable.
The DC are now with her this weekend which is not a planned weekend.
I helped him make the plan so that we could also do things together and also that the DC were not coming back from her for half of school holidays because the school have commented that they aren’t how they normally are when she’s had them for the weekend.
His visit from SS went well on Wednesday. DCs mother called and the eldest answered the phone and said SS are here. But he says DCs face said it all. There was no normal complaining from her because she knew someone was there. I wish the eldest had not said that.
They also asked him how he managed to have a tidy house and garden and run his own business and he said because he has good friends and well all work together.

It's not easy when you're the partner -trying to do what's best for you, for your partner and for children who aren't your own especially when the children's other parent isn't compliant. Overthinking tends to be part and parcel when you're unsettled. You've also got to watch what you say in front of the children as invariably they speak freely to both parents and that in itself is hard to articulate when you have friction between parents - not sure if it's both ways or just from mum.

I'd get dad to put some rules in to stop it happening again - phone locations off when they're with him - mum doesn't need to know where they are while they're with dad. Also don't have mum ringing up or texting, it's unnecessary unless it's something important. You have to find ways to protect your time and theirs. Obviously it's your situation to manage but if you & their dad are on the same page it can only be a good thing.

I told him it was over but he came over anyway. I like him a lot. I really don’t want to end everything but should I be looking over my shoulder every time we go out?

I think that is your choice at the moment. Either you end things, feel a bit sad but live your life in peace or you go back to him and live a life with drama, hostility, exhaustion and anxiety.

If SS are already involved your partner should tell them about this. It's raising adult issues in front of the children and allowing them to witness what is a form of domestic abuse. None of that is good for the children. She needs some education at least.

That's not respecting your boundaries at all, OP.

No it wasn’t at that time but in some ways I am glad he did.We have had a nice weekend together and talked a lot, because it was possible. If DC are there it is often in code or we go to the utility room to talk if they are watching TV.
So we came up with a plan that if she ever turns up again, I will walk away and say nothing. He can turn off location on the phone but ex can put it back on. I am hoping he can actually remove her from Family Link completely as I think it is all with his Google account.
As I said things were amicable in the past so Tuesday took me off guard.
She has excelled herself this weekend. She did actually come and pick up the DC on Friday at 17:30 but 5 hours called my BF to ask him to pick up his bastard children. He refused and said they were in her care for the weekend.
she was supposed to bring them back at 18:00 tonight but did not arrive. Then he got an email that it was too difficult to get them ready as she had her other child as well.
So he drove 20 miles to get them and was told to wait for 45 minutes because she wasn’t ready yet.
Then the police turned up, she had called them to say he was drunk. He was breathalysed and all was fine and she went completely nuts and was screaming at the police. All of this in front of the DC. BF says he stayed calm, apologised to the police that their time was wasted.
It sounds like she really needs some help and is unwell.
All I want to see is 2 parents wanting the best for their DC but emotionally it gets to me because the DC are good and clever kids and deserve the best in life and not this shit show. There was a fight over high school for the eldest too. That went to court and BF got the right to make the choice on his own.
It is hard for me emotionally especially as I have an adult DC and was also a single mother for 7 years - with an absent xH - he moved back to UK.
However, SS have said that BF is the stable parent, that things are organised and structured with him.