How to support DD with a clingy, tricky friend dynamic at secondary school

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Dd is in year 7 in a small secondary school that she generally loves. She isn’t with any primary school friends and has made a group of four girls that she loves.

There’s a fifth girl who DD finds annoying - this child doesn’t have great boundaries (if she does something DD doesn’t like and DD asks her to stop, this girl doesn’t stop - things like making fart sounds!). Anyway this fifth girl doesn’t have any other friends and DD says she follows her around. I have noticed she follows DD home from school and comes home to our doorstep every single day. I always invite her in, but she never comes in.

I feel very sorry for this fifth girl as the others in DD’s group are unkind to her.

Anyway the girl’s mum messaged and asked DD to come for a play date and I said yes. Dd isn’t happy with me for that, but says she’ll go (I said I can cancel, but DD doesn’t want to hurt the child’s feelings).

Also, DD’s worries that if she spends too much time with this girl; the other children will ostracise DD. She lied to her friends about the play date, pretending she’s seeing primary school friends instead of this girl.

I don’t know what to advise about that. What do you think??

Also - the school is swapping classes around next year and I suspect they’ll put DD and this girl together as DD is the only child this girl wants to befriend.

This happened to DD in reception - a tricky child latched onto her, this child’s parents requested that DD was with her in year 1. And it was a disaster! The tricky child dominated DD, gate-kept her away from other friends, and it was just a massive problem for years.

I’m worried it’s going to happen again. I want to ask the school to not put them together but I also don’t want to be too pushy.

What would you do?

In future - don't say yes without checking with DD (I learned this the hard way too)

My rule is they don't have to be friends with anyone if they don't want to be (I think it's important to teach this as it's important for romantic relationships too). But they ought to be polite and not bitch and not blank someone who talks to them

Why are you inviting the girl in? I have told my children our house is an open house (provided their friends behave) but it's for my children to choose who they invite through the door

Um first thing to do is not to accept invitations on your daughter’s behalf without running by her first

I think that as your dd does not want to be friends with this girl you should not invite her in.

you should also not be arranging “play dates” with a girl you know your dd does not like (they are far too old for mums to be sorting this stuff out quite apart from anything else).

your dd needs to be polite to her but she does not have to be her friend and you shouldn’t be encouraging it,

You’re right about not accepting things on behalf of DD anymore. We had a long conversation about it where she told me to stop doing that! And I apologised and said I was wrong and won’t do it again. It’s a reflex from primary school with friends she already loved.

You’re right about not inviting this girl in. She never comes in. I think I’m so people-pleaser polite and she’s standing there awkwardly at the door every day. My reflex kicks in and I find myself saying “do you want to come in, X?” (I don’t actually see them every day as often I’m working in the office but the girl is there every single day. She lives vaguely enroute.)

Do you think I should message the school?

I can’t decide how much is DD not wanting to be associated with her so she doesn’t get ostracised and how much she isn’t keen on the girl generally. And also I feel sorry for this lonely kid. But also DD would be miserable if she lost her other friends. But also it’s really mean that that could happen! Ahh!

Teach Dd to not be manipulated by the friend group to be treating people mean because they do not fit the mould.
Check in with the teacher.
We had a overbearing dynamic of one girl playing games when mine hung out with others..even not ablle to mention playdates..cried I had invited someone else to dinner...it was twisted.
They teach heslth relationships here do they at her school? Around this age.

Um… no! Not in the slightest! Why would worrying about an overbearing friend and DD’s school happiness mean I struggle socially?!

She goes to a small private school, I haven’t contacted them before and some parents do it weekly.

It is your reaction

inviting in the girl despite knowing your dd finds her annoying
accepting the invitation on behalf of your daughter
and now considering going to the school about it

it smacks of someone who has struggled socially

Honestly, I feel sorry for her. She has no friends and she struggles socially. I think she’s being ostracised and bullied by the other kids. But obviously that doesn’t mean DD has to be her friend.

And I only discovered the full extent of it today when DD and I talked about classes next year and this play date.

I am a teacher. I always taught my kids to be friends with everyone as l had seen kids ostracised and felt sorry for them. We always had everyone to the parties etc. Then my ds came to me at 13 and said l know l should include everyone etc but this guy was hanging on to him and causing him to be cut off from new friends. I felt bad as l realised l had overdone the be friends with everyone bit and he was asking my permission to drop him. I said be friends with whoever you like as its a difficult enough stage and he is not responsible for another's kids bad social issues. He went on to have a great group of friends. We have to let our children decide for themselves at this age and l now know l did my guy a bit of a disservice and l wouldn't do that again.

Yes I think this is where I’m at. I need to stop encouraging this girl. The mother texted me about it and perhaps I need to say the children organise themselves now. I feel rhat social obligation of a return play date but I’ll ignore that! I need to remember they’re older now.

Do I message the school and mention the worry about them being put together next year? The school is small and the girl clings to DD. It all feels like a repeat of what happened for DD in primary to me and I do worry about that.

Yes inform the school. Explain the dynamic, her not seeming to have many friends and her behaviour which possibly causes that. It puts your DD in a tricky situation with her and you want school to support the girl.

Your DD also needs to voice her own boundaries to this girl. When they are alone, maybe on the walk home she can tell her that if she continues to do things after being told to stop then they can no longer be friends. My own son had to do this with a friend and they also walked home together too. They have to learn that their behaviour has consequences, you cannot ignore someone telling you to stop doing something they don't like.

I think people are reading to much into it op saying you struggle socially, I think you have seen this girl struggling to make friends potentially being bullied and your mother instinct has kicked in, you realise now you should have checked with your DD, but hopefully this girl can make friends, if she is struggling maybe it might be worth speaking to the school if you know her parents so they can maybe help with a mentor something something that gets her making friends or attending activities.

I just see it as you felt sorry for this girl and your mother instinct kicked in and you were just trying to help.

So interesting to read the responses here. As an adult I have been ostracised by a group and dropped by others because they also didn’t want to be ostracised from the group. Not sure if this is the case here or if your daughter just doesn’t enjoy this child’s company but how sad for that child. I do think you should contact the school, not just for your daughter but on the girls behalf too.

Thank you, that’s very kind and how I see it too.

I’m an early years teacher and the urge to include everyone is strong!

It’s a bit of both for my daughter. She doesn’t enjoy her massively company (though DD said this girl is “less annoying” one-on-one but doesn’t listen when DD asks her to stop things like making fart noises or teasing about boys). and she’s worried that if she’s seen to be close with her, the other girls will ditch DD.

These are all new friends, too. DD didn’t know any of them before starting year 7 so there’s that sort of new friend insecurity probably.

I don’t know how to manage this kindly - but I am grateful for the advice on the thread!

Also - I’m sorry you got ostracised when you were younger and it happened again in adulthood. That must have been really hard. I hope you have some lovely people in your life now.

Your parenting could end up that as a result of “being kind” as you encourage that your dd is also ostracised from the group along with this child. Your dd knows this hence hiding that they met up. So she could be stuck in a two with the difficult child and they are both cut loose by the friendship group. So you essentially sacrifice your own child’s happiness for the other child. It’s the “kind” thing to do but most parents would not want this sorry.

Happened in DDs group. The girl allied with the difficult girl ended up walking away from the twosome so she could rejoin the wider group. She wasn’t being invited to things as she was seen as allied to the difficult girl the others didn’t like (for good reason).

Thank you. I wasn’t ostracised when I was younger, only as an adult and it really has changed my perspective on life. It’s very difficult to get included once you’ve been excluded. This child definitely needs some support from the school.

So agree with this- I really feel for this child and I don’t know if I’d want my child being friends with girls who exclude and ostracise others.awful.

I think you should contact the school too - it sounds like the other girl is struggling and it would be good to get the school's support on how to deal with it sensitively. They will have experience of this type of tricky relationship. I feel for your DD and the girl.

you are giving completely mixed messages to both your poor DD and this girl. On one hand you want to ask the school not to put them in a class together and are concerned about her losing her other friends, on the other hand you are actively accepting playdates and inviting her into your dd's safe space every day when she's already put up with a full day of her hanging around at school and trailing her home.

If DD asks you to ask the school for them to not be put together then that's fine, but otherwise stay out of it!

You are being way too over involved for a secondary school aged daughter. Next time the mum messages say 'Oh they're a bit too old for us to be sorting "play dates" out for them now, aren't they?' DD is busy this weekend but I'm sure they'll sort something out between them soon.'

Follow her lead, if she asks if she can have a friend over say yes or no, don't invite them in and sort things out on her behalf.

While I understand people feeling sorry for this girl (most of us have been the one left out of the group at some point and it is horrible), your DD doesn't owe her anything. They aren't longstanding friends she's dumping in favour of newer, more exciting ones, she doesn't even particularly like her, and it sounds like it's the girl's own behaviour that's ostracising others rather than, for example, bullying her for the way she looks or something outside her control. Friendship should be mutual, there's no reason for them to be mean to this girl but they absolutely don't have to be friends with her either, and it's not cruel of them to not want to be.

Exactly. Do you go to the pub with a woman on your road because you feel sorry for her?

The reason the girls didn’t want be friends with one girl in DDs case was because of her repeatedly making snarky unkind remarks. She even asked dd why she wasn’t being invited to things and dd was brave and told her why to give her a chance to change. She didn’t! I lost sympathy they were a mixed group of state and private and she made snarky remarks about that. So I understood why the girls got fed up with her.

But we all need to find out tribe. Why should everyone be made to feel they have to be friends with someone they just dont click with at all? Better people get the message and move on and find new friends