How to support DD with a clingy, tricky friend dynamic at secondary school

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Dd is in year 7 in a small secondary school that she generally loves. She isn’t with any primary school friends and has made a group of four girls that she loves.

There’s a fifth girl who DD finds annoying - this child doesn’t have great boundaries (if she does something DD doesn’t like and DD asks her to stop, this girl doesn’t stop - things like making fart sounds!). Anyway this fifth girl doesn’t have any other friends and DD says she follows her around. I have noticed she follows DD home from school and comes home to our doorstep every single day. I always invite her in, but she never comes in.

I feel very sorry for this fifth girl as the others in DD’s group are unkind to her.

Anyway the girl’s mum messaged and asked DD to come for a play date and I said yes. Dd isn’t happy with me for that, but says she’ll go (I said I can cancel, but DD doesn’t want to hurt the child’s feelings).

Also, DD’s worries that if she spends too much time with this girl; the other children will ostracise DD. She lied to her friends about the play date, pretending she’s seeing primary school friends instead of this girl.

I don’t know what to advise about that. What do you think??

Also - the school is swapping classes around next year and I suspect they’ll put DD and this girl together as DD is the only child this girl wants to befriend.

This happened to DD in reception - a tricky child latched onto her, this child’s parents requested that DD was with her in year 1. And it was a disaster! The tricky child dominated DD, gate-kept her away from other friends, and it was just a massive problem for years.

I’m worried it’s going to happen again. I want to ask the school to not put them together but I also don’t want to be too pushy.

What would you do?

Year 7 - 9 is big friendship readjustment years for girls anyway as they develop their personalities. Both my two had significant friendship group shifts inverse years some painful some gradual moving on from primary friends etc before finding their true like minded friends in year 9. It’s not unkind or mean they are allowed to have preferences.

Felt slightly sad when dd1 moved on from her primary best friend so close since they were 3 but the girls were just so different - now they are 19 it would be weird if they were friends they are polar opposite in every way. Both lovely just extremely different.

This is really hard and I would lean towards the way you have approached and felt about this. I’d definitely want my child to learn that friends who make you feel you’re going to be cast out if you don’t do what they want, aren’t great friends. But this girl doesn’t sound like a great friend either and I agree that your DD should be able to decide if she doesn’t want to be in any kind of relationship.

I feel like there must be a middle way. Like youve said, pulling back out of organising friendship stuff for her now, but having all the chats about how she might navigate it. Praising and boosting her when she comes to responsible conclusions.

im thinking of a recent issue my 10yr old DD has had where one girl in a group of 5 is apparently crying a lot when people aren’t doing things her way. My DD thinks she used to be able to manipulate others in this way and it no longer works, but this girl is finding that really hard. I’ve tried to listen and praise the bits my dd is doing well - she’s been true to herself and not just capitulated to make this girl feel better at the expense of herself - great. Shes also said ‘but x is just being herself, it’s not her fault it’s annoying people’ - again I think mature and deserved praise. But she needed more help from me seeing it from x’s point of view, some of her chat was verging on ostracism where dd would be saying that she’s just happy she’s fine in the group, maybe x should just be on her own etc.

It’s a different example as these girls are younger and been friends for years; but I do want to raise kids to be aware of other people’s feelings. Not to put their own needs to the bottom of the pile, but everyone is important and deserves respect and kindness.

The more confident your DD is in herself, the better she will feel able to navigate situations like this. You can’t do much about what the other kids do but you can help support her to know she’s great and doing her best in tricky situations.

OP, your DD is clearly struggling with this girl, and you’re making the situation worse. Don’t ask her to come in - what are you going to do if she says yes? Your DD could very reasonably say that she hasn’t asked her in, so you can take care of her. Your DD is upset by her clingy behaviour and failure to stop annoying behaviour when asked, yet you are extending invitations and accepting play dates on your DD’s behalf. This needs to stop, because you are sending very mixed messages - I can’t think your DD wants to be followed home from school, and then there you are, asking this other girl who is practically stalking your DD if she wants to come in. If your DD doesn’t want to be friends with her, you can’t encourage the friendship because you feel sorry for this other girl, especially if the result is that your DD is ostracised by the rest of her friends and ends up practically forced into a friendship with this girl and cut off from everyone else. For sure, this girl will not only be annoying your DD, and I would be exceedingly unhappy at the thought that your DD was going to be stuck with her all day at school, which would mean she was cut off from her other friends. I’d make it very clear to school that this girl is being absolutely suffocating as far as your DD is concerned, and you do not want them to be put together. Your responsibility is the well-being of your DD, not that of the unpopular girl in her class who is upsetting her. It might be sad that the other girl doesn’t have any real friends, but it’s not your responsibility.

Yes I would message the school. This happened to DD and she's now stuck with her in Y8 and 9. We've told the teachers retrospectively but it's too late. Bloody wish we'd done it earlier!

Yes, tell the school. This girl needs support to make friends, which includes helping her realise that if she continues behaviours after she's been asked to stop, then other girls will likely not want to be friends with her. It doesn't sound like it's a case that she's being bullied, just that the other girls find her annoying and don't particularly want to hang out with her.

This is where small schools are tricky. She would be more likely to find her tribe at a bigger school.

It’s a very difficult one. Are you kind and sacrifice yourself socially? Or ensure your place in the group possibly at the other girls expense ? For a dear loyal lovely friend possibly the former. Otherwise I’m sorry you support your DDs instinct. She should behave civilly to this girl but she doesn’t owe her anything. Also a fan of big schools as there are more options for them.

I think I agree with PP. Given that your DD doesn't even get on that well with this other girl it's not reasonable to expect her to sacrifice a group of friends that she does like for her sake.

So I was out with my established group last night. If there was a woman I knew annoyed them (for good reason) I would not bring her along to spoil everyone’s evening. If I insisted on bringing her I imagine invites for me would dry up. Why are kids held to different standards?

I agree with this. Friendship should be mutual and joyous - we have no obligation to hang out with tricky characters or rehabilitate them. We all need the fun and boost from friends in our lives - especially at this age.

I would suggest that as this happened to your DD before and is happening again now, and also how you have behaved throughout that your DD is the one with poor boundaries - probably due to your people pleasing default. And people pleasing is a fault as we have seen hear it is done to soothe your own superficial emotional needs and then the internal resentment and contempt rises. It’s disingenuous and passive aggressive - agree with all the mixed messages - inviting her in, agreeing to a play date and then asking for her to be moved from her class next year - that’s kind of fucked up.

Your DD needs to seek friendships that are ‘radiators’ not ‘drains’ - don’t worry about the ‘drains’ being lonely - they will find someone that they are more compatible with.

Teach your DD boundaries not some fake people pleasing be kind nonsense, disingenuous behaviours that serves no one and always backfires.

Yes everyone does deserve respect and kindness - but only if it’s reciprocated.

In this instance the friend is unkind and disrespectful to OPs DD by repeatedly teasing about boys and making unpleasant fart noises even when she has been asked to stop.

Never indulge an unkind and disrespectful person with kindness and respect - don’t have to ‘match their energy’ by being unkind and disrespectful but that’s where any boundary becomes an action - and distance and detachment is the consequence. Maybe the penny will drop with the friend that her behaviour is socially unacceptable and she will adapt it next time.

Wise words @CircusAcer

Why would you keep trying to get included in a group that didn’t want you - why would you not just move to make friends elsewhere where you are more compatible and welcomed - that would be a much more enriching experience for you. Same as the girl here she would have blast if she moved on to a group who loved making fart noises and teasing each other about boys. None of this is personal it’s just being flexible enough socially to move through the world to find different groups to have fun with.

I disagree. It’s the OP DD being potentially bullied / bothered here by the ‘friend’ - she has been asked to stop her unpleasant behaviours and although she knows it has a negative / unwelcome impact on the OPs DD - she actively and intentionally continues to behave in ways that offend / upset others.

I can see why it sounds like that. My involvement was before I had a long chat with DD yesterday.

Another thing to add: these girls don’t have smart phones, they’re banned in their school until year 9 and the parents have all got together and agreed none of us will get one for outside of school, so they don’t ask! Positive peer pressure! It’s been fantastic. But that means they can’t easily organise things for themselves.

Until yesterday, I didn’t know the extent of how tricky DD finds this girl! I knew the girl was lonely and I knew she followed DD home. I didn’t realise how much it irritated DD. I did know the others don’t like her.

I thought it was a bit of an “eye roll, X followed me home again”, not that DD wants her to stop. At the door, DD sometimes finds our cat down to show the girl. I suppose I wasn’t paying attention.

I am definitely not going to be organising any more hang outs without DD’s consent anymore. And I will talk to the school.

Thank you everyone! I have got a lot of this wrong. It’s so hard parenting preteens!

It’s a tricky situation. I have been in your daughter’s position multiple times over the years, particularly at school. The problem is that some people, especially school age, don’t have a good perception of boundaries, and are often lonely or very keen to make a friend but have other behaviours which make friendship with them difficult or unpleasant. This loneliness or difficulty understanding social cues makes them interpret standard politeness or a moment’s conversation as a genuine desire to be friends.

Sometimes, those people develop a technique of attempting to keep the new “friendship” by attaching themselves constantly to the new potential “friend”. This has the effect of driving away other friends, who understandably don’t want to be around someone without boundaries, with whom they have no existing bond, and this essentially ends up ostracising the “friend” from their existing social circle because to speak with them is to have the conversation dominated by the person doing the hanging on.

It’s born of loneliness and desperation, but it’s a really unhealthy mechanism to try and gain a friendship, because, consciously or not, it relies on ostracising the new “friend “ from their existing friend group and leaving them with no option but to be friends with the person with no boundaries. A sort of “they’ll stay my friend if I can just drag them down to where I am”.

I’m not suggesting that this behaviour is conscious, or necessarily malicious, but it’s also not your daughter’s job to try to fix this. It’s also a technique that some boys and men use to try to isolate someone they want a relationship with, so it’s good practice for your daughter to learn to nip this in the bud now.

It’s great that you’ve listened to your daughter and agreed to stop accepting invitations on her behalf. She might also benefit from some coaching on how to have a frank conversation with this girl and explain to her that she doesn’t enjoy it when she follows her home, and could she please stop (this may take several gos to get the message across). It doesn’t need to be unkind (and shouldn’t be), but it is something that needs saying. This is a great chance for your daughter to learn how to navigate awkward conversations firmly and kindly.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to approach the school. I think there are ways of phrasing it that would work better than others. It’s reasonable to say that you had an issue in primary school where your daughter was placed with someone she didn’t like, because the teachers assumed that they were friends, and that it had a negative impact on her education, and you wanted to find out if students were assigned classes randomly or if friendships were accounted for.

It’s not beyond the realms of imagination to think that one of this poor girl’s teachers will pity her and be so pleased that your daughter has apparently befriended her that it’s been decided to put them in the same class.

Either way, well done for listening to your daughter and I hope she manages to navigate this.

where have I stated that I kept trying to be included in the group that ostracised me? What I have said was that once someone has been excluded, it can become difficult to be included — especially in smaller environments like schools and workplaces.

This is very insightful and feels spot on! Thank you!