How do you know if someone is jealous/envious of you ? And how do you handle it ?

[Whatdoyouthinktothis]

There’s only one fiend that makes me feel this way, she hard to and the friendship with as we’ve been friends since childhood
and I do feel bad for her in many ways, she had a rough time at school at times, bad parent
few struggles in life
but her own choices haven’t helped
and she had a massive victim mindset

I feel that she thinks she should live the life and lifestyle that I live
maybe she thinks she’s better educated and should have the better life
but she continued education and got in the housing ladder 8 years later
and my dh has excelled in his work so we are fortunate in what we can do and how we live

there
was a hard time in my life a few years back
which is relatives now and has been for 5 years
which was to do with ill health and she keeps bringing it up all the time even though I’ve told her I don’t want to talk about that anymore
but she keeps on being it up again and again
I’ve sent long messages explain I don’t want to talk about it and why
I’ve told her in person the same

but it feels abit like she’s actually trying to drag me down
back into a bad place

if this was someone I met recently I wouldn’t be friends with them

yet I feel sorry for her
for all she’s been through
I still see her as that little kid sometimes

Ive tired to distance
slow replies
I don’t message
I don’t ask her to do anything
dry replies

yet she won’t seem to let me go

anyone else experienced this before ?

What I've concluded (based mostly upon my experience with my ex and ex in laws, haha) is that some people have such an intense sense of victimhood that they see absolutely everything as a power dynamic in which they are disadvantaged. Nothing is never intimate or neutral - you're always lording something over them, or so they think.

I don’t give this topic much thought, but I do remember the only time I felt that my DM and other female relatives ‘liked’ me was when I had a nervous breakdown in my late 20s (relationship ended, left my ‘dream’ job, gave up a great apartment). Then they seemed… put out when I recovered from it and got back to my old life/lifestyle.

Not sure if that counts as envy?

I try not to worry about it. Just live your life. 😊 Who cares if others are envious - that’s on them.

Maybe I’ve just gotta keep being busy and accept the guilt

but then I think to myself why are you feeling guilty when she’s not being good or even fair to you ?

liek what’s wrong we me that I feel so guilty about this ?

Why on earth would you feel guilty?

If I met her now I would run, I wouldn’t feel guilty
the guilt gets to me the most when I think of her as a kid
but she’s not a kid anymore

I think because she had a couple of really shit things that’s happened in her life and a very bad parent

Yes I think this is a type of envy as they want to keep you down to their level or below

Has your life been plain sailing? Even if it has, why should you feel guilty for that?

It's difficult. I can't be around people who compare and want to be the 'winner' in every tiny aspect. It's so subtle too that you can't properly explain it. But it destroys your friendship and respect for them. If its an acquaintance, I'd gently back away from contact and just get on with my life. I don't need it. If it's family, it's trickier.

People who have weight complexes often say the nastiest things about other overweight people because they assume that's how people who aren't overweight think. It's their attempt to redress what they see as a power imbalance because they see people who are thinner than them as lording it over them.

It is. It’s actually warped. I think what these people don’t realise is the “victim”knows exactly what’s happening, they are just too polite or awkward to point it out. And they rely on that.

the issue our side is it starts ti consume too much of our mental energy, they start to live rent free in our heads. Because you don’t want to escalate it by calling it out. And you know they will lie and gaslight or escalate it to a level you don’t want to deal with, so they think they are getting away with it. And keep doing it,

yours wants someone who struggles like they do, they want to remind you of past struggles as it makes them feel better. mine wants to pull me down a peg or too, take out her anger on me. Her sense of injustice. I’m a walking embodiment of everything she resents,

I don’t think about it now for ages, unless something like this reminds me, or I have to see them, then I’m all oh god.

My
life has definitely not been plain sailing at all
but I’m able to overcome things and move on
and my day to day life and lifestyle is subjectively better
I think it could be partly because she thinks she’s smarter than me, she’s actually not, but she thinks she is, so I think she thinks she should be having my life or something

what I find odd though is how she won’t let me go easily most people get the hint after a few years
but it’s like she knows I feel bad for her
maybe even that’s a kinda control thing like trying to force me

“yours wants someone who struggles like they do, they want to remind you of past struggles as it makes them feel better. mine wants to pull me down a peg or too, take out her anger on me. Her sense of injustice. I’m a walking embodiment of everything she resents,“

yes I totally agree with that
Mine wants someone to sit with her and agree how hard life is and how unfair it is
(which I know it is but that’s life)
and sitting there moaning for years gets you nowhere
I’m not talking about. A vent to let of steam I’m talking about constant moaning about that kinda thing

and she does want me to be as miserable as her

not glad you’ve experienced this too but it’s nice that you get it

guess I’m just going to have to be tougher
as really she’s forcing the contact at this point really which is also unfair

She is forcing contact because she has likely drove everyone else away, I bet she reminisces about being childhood friends once she had left you drained and limp as warm lettuce to manipulate you to carry on seeing her.

Forcing the contact I think is a bit odd, she’s likely lonely. Mine doesn’t force contact, but it’s clear she’s hugely irritated I don’t care any more. I go off and enjoy myself,pay her no heed, work, see my friends etc, she’s no longer in my sphere other than family events. A couple of recent ones she was trying to be nice, I suspect to see if she can reel me back in, she can’t, I am out. It’s done.

the best revenge is a life well lived.

I have a friend who is aggressively "not bovvered" when she is transparently jealous of people.

She's never been "not bovvered" by me, tragically.

It’s not necessarily envy or jealousy, though. My mother just gets turned off by lucky, healthy, fortunate or successful people because she feels they don’t ‘need’ her — whereas someone lonely, poor or unfortunate is at a disadvantage and has a lack she can help with, therefore there’s a role for her in their life.

Even with her own children. If you phone her up in a good mood because you passed the exam or got the job you wanted, you can just hear her tuning out. She experiences it as a rejection.

It’s possible your relative is similar. Her endlessly harking back to the days when you were in trouble is nostalgia for when she felt useful or like a meaningful friend.

Which I realise doesn’t make it any more pleasant.

Well personally if she continued to raise a subject I'd made clear to her that I didn't want to discuss I'd get up and say, 'I'm leaving now, Sheila because you have no respect for my boundaries. I've made it clear I don't want to revisit unhappy memories and I'm not prepared to listen to you disregard my feelings. Call me when you're ready to apologise'

And walk away. Don't let someone else drag you down.

In my experience, it’s someone who criticises your choices but tries really hard to emulate you at the same time. I don’t “handle” people like this, I just let them go if they are having a detrimental impact.

Your post reads a bit oddly to me

I actually think it's weird to assume people are jealous of you. You sounds a bit judgey. Could it be something else? Whether it's jealousy or not you just need to decide whether to keep in touch with her.

I had a friend like this. I think for us growing up I was always the underdog; parents separated, no money, free school meal etc. Then as an adult I carved out a freer for myself, my DH is very successful in his career too and I feel she thinks the tables have turned and is uncomfortable.

It started with lots of passive aggressive comments, then when it came to a head she tried to get others against me..comments like ‘she’s changed’. Luckily my good friends stuck up for me.

She eventually admitted to how she was truly feeling after 3 years of us not speaking. She was very low at the time and taking it out on me.

Now I just keep my distance

This is such an insightful post, and makes me think this is what’s going on with some of my relatives. Especially the bit about being less interested in good news and paying more attention when your life is going to shit.

I do see your point, but even when I was going through difficult times, she wasn't any practical help at all, she just wanted to hearball about it in detail, zero practice help whatsoever

Would you say your mum offers practical help to be needed or just wants to listen to problems

I honestly do not know what else it could be? I be really interested to hear what else you think it might be causing her to be this way ?

I have said, look I've already said I don't wanna na talk about this.
But agree I've got to either just be honest as say look I care about you, but I find you so hard to be around, which would probably crush her, which is why I don't

Or I've just gotta keep on the distancing which also feels mean
But it's mean to myself and her really spending time together
She deserves to have someone that wants to spend time together