I don't know how to be happier...but I want to be

[Questforhappiness]

Mid 30s. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 16 and put on antidepressants at aged 16 (really wrong decision by my parents and GP/psychiatrist in my opinion)
I could never get off them, so for the last nearly 20 years I've tried eight different types of SSRIs/SNRIs and different combinations. I've been in and out of nhs and private psychiatry since 16 also, tried lots of different types of therapy.
Unfortunately I'm still unhappy.
Its a beautiful day today and I dont want to do anything. I have no desire to do anything. I'm terrified I'm facing another 20 years like the last 20 years. Single, no kids. Got a job which is okay, I cant change jobs currently. I just feel lost at how to make myself happier. Hobbies maybe but nothing interests me, I dont enjoy anything.

Ah, I'm sorry. You sound tired out.

I have lots of suggestions for things that can help, but it sounds like you've tried a lot. Shall I have a go anyway?

I'm assuming you have checked all bloods for low ferritin, Vitamin B, etc? Any health issues etc.

Do you get exercise? Daylight?

How are your friends and family connections?

Are there things you take pleasure in?

It is absolutely possible to change and learn and heal. It happens all the time. Take heart.

Thank you for your reply. I have tried a lot of things but happy for any suggestions.
I've recently had full blood count, thyroid, liver, calcium, electrolytes bloods done. All normal.
My GP won't do vitamin d, ferritin or vitamin b12 blood tests, said they are not necessary.
I dont do much exercise apart from a bit of walking and sometimes get to one gym class a week. I'm a bit overweight and dont enjoy exercise. I know I should do more but at the moment I cant see the point in anything.
My family is pretty dysfunctional, I barely have any family now due to various things that have happened. My only decent relationship is with my mum really. Even that can be hard as she is quite damaged.
I have a couple of friends but they're mostly busy with young families.
No, unfortunately there isnt anything I take pleasure in. I really don't enjoy doing anything. I do things out of obligation sometimes but I cant wait to leave so I can get back to bed.

Could you volunteer somewhere to give you a purpose? Whether that involves children, animals or something historic maybe? Volunteer for the National Trust for history, or be a dog walker for a rescue centre. Or sit with the cats, or help out at Riding for the Disabled Association. Or keep elderly people company? Or organised a local litter pick or beach clean? Or tidy a local area that the council has neglected?

For me, finding tiny bits of joy/happiness is easier than trying to achieve it through big things, which invariably are much harder. Finding the perfect partner, job, home etc. Practically impossible.

Enjoying my morning shower with some lovely scented shower gel and a fluffy towel gets my day off to a good start. I practice an attitude of gratitude/gratefulness. How lucky am I to be able to have a piping hot shower, keep myself clean, eat the breakfast I choose and head out to work. I get in my car that 10 years old but is paid for. I like my colleagues, though the work can be dull.

I take a lunch with me that I enjoy, if that's a chocolate muffin and a latte, so what? It made me more happy than a cheese sandwich.

I control what I can and try to be as intentional as possible. I don't drink instant coffee. I don't like it. I won't even drink it to be polite. I'll have a glass of water instead. I do things that make me feel better, not other people. They're all doing as they please anyway.

I eat the food I want to in the evening. Sometimes that's a cooked meal, sometimes cheese and crackers. That makes me happy. I am listening to my body. I don't conform to what society thinks I should be doing to make me happy. I don't like travelling so I don't do it. Been there, done that and realised I just like my home comforts. So what if it's a beautiful day outside. Stand by the window and put your face towards the sun and enjoy the warmth and light for a few minutes. You don't have to be out doing bike rides/picnics in the park.

Start living your life the way you want to, find joy in the small things (a lovely front garden you pass on your way to work, a houseplant, a really comfy pair of slippers or a feel good series on Netflix) it really is liberating and that will bring you a contentment which could help with lifting your overall mood.💐

Ditch the painkillers and face the reality...smell the coffee....believe in God's love

I dont really understand your reply but I'm atheist and always will be.

I understand that nothing will feel worth while so maybe you have to commit to trying a few things regardless of how you feel about them. Everyone is different for me green and especially blue spaces ie water , singing in a local choir (I have to concentrate so hard I can’t think about anything else!) and volunteering without being up myself it puts my life into perspective.

Maybe social contact would help? I don't mean joining clubs and groups or having a big social circle, but just a few people to interact with. I'm fairly introvert myself, but have a couple of male friends, a couple of girlfriends and a zoom club. We zoom once a week and spend half an hour chatting and laughing. I do have to force myself to do it sometimes but always feel better after.

I'm sorry to hear about your family.

To me it sounds as though you have a lot of sadness. And it can be difficult to look for happiness if the sadness hasn't had a chance to breathe and be heard and seen. And worked through.

Have you tried art, writing, singing, clay, dance? Any of the arts resonate?

A couple of book ideas:

'Feeling Good' by Dr Burns. A very clear and useful explanation of the thinking habits we are often barely aware of that lead to depression.

'The Joy Diet' by Martha Beck. Nothing to do with food Diet- a regime of lifestyle changes that may help.

Lifestyle.

Everyone hates exercise. It's awful. But it will help. Couch to 5k. Try it and see how you feel once you run 5k. Record a score on one of the depression scales now, then do it again after the 5k.

Also, daylight. On your face. In the morning. Resets your body clock, regulates your nervous system, helps with Vitamin D and sleep.

Eat well. Lots of veg and fresh food. Your GP sounds like a dick, it may be worth paying for thriva tests and checking your D, B, and ferritin levels.

Lastly, mindfulness can be very useful for some people. Have you tried it? I can rec resources if you'd like to. No god necessary.

I always have more hope for people who say they are atheist, to find God than those who dont say it.

Atheists have at least put some thought into it all.

Some good posts on here.

Have you tried adding things that are known to make people happier into your daily routine? Exercise is known to improve mood, but when I switched from driving to work to cycling I was doing it to save money. It turned out that it also lifted my mood, which is a great side effect. By making it a necessary part of my day, it happens regularly. If I had just decided to ‘do more exercise’, I think I would have given up at the first sign of bad weather or seen it as yet another job to do in the endless list of self-improving activities.

Atheists don't need your hope thanks. I am more than happy with my decision to remain firmly atheist. I'm sure the OP is too and sure other aethiests are too. It's almost like you feel we need rescued from our decisions.

Don't bring religion into it

Op, you sound like me. I've suffered with the Black Dog for many years and have been on anti depressants for over 30 years. The constant sadness, emptiness and joylessness is all consuming . The only thing that has helped is having dogs. They make me smile and bring structure and routine to my life. And I HAVE to go outdoors whether I like it or not. Just an idea as I can honestly say I don't think I'd be here today if it wasn't for my dogs.

I'd love a dog but have a very timid cat who would hate it. I'm sorry you have also suffered with this horrible illness.

Oh I love cats as well. I find just the act of stroking them can cheer me up.

I also go to a local donkey sanctuary just to pet them. Sooo adorable.

Do you have a garden or a park nerby? Just challenge yourself to sit outside for maybe 15- 20 minutes in one spot. Try and notice the colours, the sounds & smells.... then go back in a few days time. Has anything changed?
Or go for a walk and do the same. Try und do this regularly and see where your mind takes you.

Hello OP. 👋 I understand and empathise with your feelings and lack of interest in doing things. From time to time I feel the same.
A few years ago, I went to an open day for a local charity and heard some inspirational stories from people who have been helped to overcome great challenges in their lives as a result of the charity's work. I decided to volunteer for them. It really gave me a purpose and helped me to appreciate other people's problems and difficulties.
A large part of my time became focused away from my own low times. I'm retired so I could commit to a day a week. I realise that you work but most charities need help in all sorts of areas that could work around your job. I chose a charity that provides assistance dogs, mainly because I like dogs - nothing more than that. 😊🐶
Volunteering would fill some of your spare time and perhaps you would make some new friends. Having the charity in common gives you a talking point.
If you find it hard to get motivated for yourself, perhaps being motivated for others might help. Whatnow89 recommends volunteering as do several other posters. So do I.
I also try to go for a short walk most days. Not every day if I don't feel like it or if the weather's not quite right but you see and hear nature at its best and that makes me smile a bit.
Good luck OP. Best wishes for the future. 🍀

Another useful thing - Byron Katie's 'The Work'. thework.com/

Ah, and Burns has a free depression course. I highly recommend his approach. Very logical, very straightforward.

https://feelinggood.com/depression-home/

This would have to be the most empathetic responses I’ve read on this site. @ArabellaScott

Oh and I’m following along for ideas too. I’m in a bit of a different place as I lost my 21 year old daughter suddenly and unexpectedly almost 18 months ago. I feel dead inside most of the time. Life is not exciting or happy anymore.

Oh, LoudPlumDog. I'm so very, very sorry. Sending you my deepest condolences.

For what it's worth, I've heard someone describe depressed as 'deep rest'.

I hope you don't mind me sharing this.

Thich Nhat Hanh has written a lot on death and loss and grief. His teachings are very gentle, and also very deeply insightful.

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/445648/how-to-live-when-a-loved-one-dies-by-hanh-thich-nhat/9781846047114

More philosophical:

https://plumvillage.org/books/no-death-no-fear

❤

@LoudPlumDog I'm so very sorry. I hope you find some light in the darkness.

I have some understanding of how you feel, OP.
Sometimes I just want to drive. And never stop. Just run away from everything and from nothing.

Couple of ideas, can you volunteer at a rehoming centre? Take a dog for a walk? You'll meet other volunteers that way too.
Another thing is cold water swimming. Don't know if that appeals? It can really help with depression.