Very forgetful child - how to help him

[Natsku]

DS is 8, in his first proper year of school (not the UK) and its become clear this year that his forgetfulness is an issue. He regularly forgets to do homework, forgets his school textbooks (either at school so doesn't have them at home to do homework or at home so he doesn't have them in class), forgets his backpack entirely, forgets hats, coats, gloves etc. at school and has even forgotten to get dressed and gone to school in his pyjamas. He is regularly getting into trouble at school because of this, his teacher says its a daily issue.

I'm not home in the morning so can't make sure he has everything, his dad usually is and tries but he's usually leaving for work at the same time as DS leaves for school so its very easy for DS to forget something at the last minute and it goes unnoticed (and OH has his own issues with forgetfulness). He goes to after school club in a separate building so even if he realises he forgot something in class before coming home he can't get it as the school is locked.

I try to sit down with him to do his homework but half the time he can't remember what homework he has (the teacher writes what is set on the class web page but DS often has different homework to the rest of the class so its not always helpful, plus when he's forgotten his books he can't do it at all)

His teacher suggested putting up a reminder board to help him, which I will try, but looking for any other idea if that doesn't help enough. Consequences like detention at school and screen bans at home haven't helped at all so I don't think he's choosing to not do his homework etc., he just really can't remember.

The morning stuff, making sure he has everything he needs is on you as parents. If Dad is there, he needs to make sure that he has backpack, coat etc.

In the evenings you need to help him pack his bag with the correct textbooks. You are expecting too much of an 8 yo.

He needs the behaviour modelling, so he will get used to it. And if school know he forgets stuff to take home, they should be assisting him in making sure he has what he needs.

Edited to add that perhaps school are doing reminders at the end of the day, and your child isn't listening. Perhaps some kind of checklist to look at would help him, but he would need to remember to look at it.

Checklists.
A home-school book possibly physically attached to his backpack.
More support from school at the end of the day.
More support from adults in family in evening and when leaving the house.

Forgetting to change out of pyjamas is pretty extreme. This is can't not won't.

I make sure his bag is packed in the evening so I don't really know how he ends up not taking the books but somehow he does. Probably takes them out to check something then forgets to put them back. But forgetting his entire bag is more common.

A lot more is expected of 8 year olds where I am and usually not an issue but obviously is in DS's case. This year we've been able to make sure someone is home every morning but next year that might not be possible as he might start school at 9 or 10am and OH won't be able to go to work that late so need to help him to help himself.

You plan to leave a 9 year old home alone before school? I'm pretty chill as a parent, but that is extreme.

If a lot is expected for children where you are, what have you done to prepare him for starting school? Did you build in responsibility previously? Did he not have a backpack before now for wherever he went that preceded school?

How on earth is he going to school in pjs and no one is noticing? I have older teens and a soon to be 8 yr old. The older two have been doing most things for themselves for a long time but I still pack my youngest boy’s bag. I make sure he’s dressed, get his breakfast. Yes he forgets things at school like coat or gloves but I would be ensuring his homework (we don’t actually get any) is done. I’d be supervising and helping. Kindly, I think perhaps you are expecting too much. He needs more supervision.

Its what most working parents have to do here, can't change that, there's no breakfast club past preschool.
He had a backpack in preschool but no homework really and there was breakfast club as well as after school club so I could take him and pick him up myself which mitigated the issues apart from lost gloves all the time. I prepared him the same as I did his big sister who managed fine but I didn't realise how much more support he needs until he actually started school (and didn't realise how bad it was until his teacher messaged me this week)

Have you spoken with his doctor or paediatrician because turning up to school at age 8 in his PJs because he forgot to get dressed really isn’t normal. The rest like forgetting books doesn’t sound totally unusual for an 8YO although clearly this country has quite high expectations for this age- have you always lived there and did he do all the typical early years education/preschool to prepare him for the expectations of school?

Classic inattentive ADHD. Please get him screened for it. Dad too if he’s not noticing DS wearing pjs to school and forgets things himself.

Your DS needs a lot of support and structure from the adults around him. That’s you, his dad, his teachers and his after school carers.

You need to build routines with him
that help. Lots of prompts too.

And start considering whether this is ADHD.

He's got an appointment with the school doctor next week for his intensive check up so I will be asking about adhd screening then, his dad has it and I can see the similarities more and more now.

I moved here as an adult but DS has been to nursery and preschool the same as other children and I've done the usual preparations they recommend here and he does manage to remember more immediate simple things e.g. I can send him to the shop for eggs and he'll come back with eggs

Sounds like adhd? Poor executive function in any case. Maybe dad has it too, these things run in families. I would get him assessed with a view to getting supports in place

He doesn’t need consequences, that will likely make things worse self-esteem wise. You need to advocate for him with the school to prevent him getting detentions for something he can’t help.

I'm asking for screening, his dad has it so the likelihood is high and hopefully school will be able to support more if he's diagnosed but I don't know how long the process is here

Have one month left of school, going to try checklists and work hard on routines. I feel like once something like homework straight after school becomes a habit it'll be easier to remember but maybe that doesn't apply to him like it does to me? Tbh I have a really bad memory too but I've developed routines and habits which help me.

Agree consequences won't help. I've tried them and it doesn't help just really upsets him when he tries to remember but fails.

Definitely sounds like ADHD, and if his dad has it, that is a likelihood that he does too.

However, he is 8! He shouldn’t be able to leave for school in pyjamas without anyone noticing. That is on you as parents and you have a responsibility to scaffold this and support him

Its not possible to guarantee anyone is at home with him in the mornings, we can't change that it's just the reality of the system we live in so have to find ways to support him without out always being there. But hopefully checklists will help, and maybe I could call him in the mornings before he leaves for school to do a double check but it does depend on my work.

I'd rehearse routines with him too, both verbally and practice them. Have one task lead to another.

So establish a certain routine,keep it identical every day like...
When leaving the house for school we pay ourselves down to check we're dressed, go to the hallway corner where our bag is and pick it up,put our shoes on. Then we do x then we do y...

Keep things in the same place every time. By linking actions I mean eg always combing hair after doing teeth and keeping comb next to toothbrush so it's easy

Visibility helps, you can get or make visual reminder charts for children where they have to press a light button - have a Google.

Keep things in the same place every time too

This sounds really useful, rehearsing routines are habit feels key to me so hopefully will help him.

If its adhd (Or even if not) he needs to accept that he doesnt have the memory or ex function to remember everything so has to write down homework in same place every time.
maybe put a reminder list on fridge or door.
learn not to take some items out of bag

we dont remove pencil case or calculator at home.

ideally he would have spare textbooks at home rather than remember those.

in uk at secondary and 90% of homework is online and haven’t seen 1 physical text book (or even used 1 ) in almost 3 years…

However a downside of this is on completing adhd questionnaires the teachers tick no issues with organisation…
Because the kids only need to remember bag, books and water bottle.

This. Normally I would say you can’t possibly guess at something like this based on so little information, but I can see it from here.

You're welcome...checklists only help if you remember to check them and don't get distracted so you need to keep things really visible and really easy.

Having backups can help too. Eg if he only remembers when he's at school, then keep spare toothpaste & brush in his school bag so he can do them there.

Screens aren't good for executive function, the act of writing is. When he's at school,does he not write down what his homework is? The schools i went to always gave us homework diaries and teachers would make us get them out and write in our homework with the due date at the end of class.

Easy for parents to check too. Equally, if he has to create reminders make them written ones. Use coloured pens and post its.

Is he a more visual or aural learner? Build on whichever...songs and music help if he learns best through hearing, you could put a routine to a song or rhyme.

Also loads of tips on places like reddit for inattentive adhd.

What about hiring someone to help him in the morning? Sounds like he needs more help. You don't want his self esteem being damaged by detentions/being told off/embarrassed wearing pyjamas at school

I'm thinking a sign on the inside on the front door saying something like have you remembered bag, books, and waterbottle as well as a checklist on the wall. A final reminder.
He is supposed to mark in his books what tasks he's supposed to do but then he also often gets given harder tasks on print outs which are harder to remember even when he's asking for these harder tasks himself. Everything is always due the next day so he doesn't have to remember due dates at least.

He's definitely more of a visual learner though songs might help too.

Everyone I know would be working at that time except for retired neighbours but feels a bit weird to ask them and they might not even be up that early. I wouldn't feel comfortable hiring a random stranger.
Thankfully he was completely unphased by the pyjama incident and isn't bothered by detention so far but that might change as he gets older.

If you cannot manage to be with him in the mornings, you need to hire a nanny. It is really not fair on him to give him this much responsibility when he clearly is not ready. He also needs more support from school.

He sounds like my son, who has adhd. Going to school in his pyjamas is extreme. There is a real potential for this to lead to bullying and/or damage to his esteem. It doesn't matter that more is expected from 8 year olds there, you needn't join in that expectation from a child who does not have the executive function to succeed at this. He is being set up to fail.

My son and daughter are both like this, they both have ADHD and so does their dad. He needs an assessment.