Handhold please - in hospice with dying mum *TRIGGER WARNING*

[SpongeKnobNoPants]

TRIGGER WARNING Terminal cancer

Sleeping over in the hospice with her tonight just waiting for the bastard evil cunt of a brain tumour to take her.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, my stomachs doing somersaults and so fucking knotted up and having waves of crippling panic.

I can't bear it. It's such a cruel way to go. I'm so desperate for it to be over for her. Literally begging the universe to hurry the fuck up and stop dragging out her pain.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Go easy on yourself, once the adrenaline wears off you will crash to the floor and stay there for some time. If you can't eat, just keep drinking and try to get some vitamin C on board... that helps keep you ticking over. I'm 3 years on from losing Dad and still putting back some of the pieces of myself. Grief is a long, slow and painful journey but it does get better.

Don't get me started on childbirth. That's one of my other traumatic experiences that will stay with me forever. So much so I never went on to have any more children. Totally agree with you on all of this.

@SpongeKnobNoPants Look after yourself. It’s unbelievably hard to endure, as a DD, what you went through. I found it a heartbreaking experience, and remember, this sounds trivial, but bear with me, after I sat with my mum during her final day and night, witnessed the writhing, the way she held my hand, the sounds, me getting arsy with the nurse, demanding a doctor to give her something to help her (she did and it helped, but what if I hadn’t been there? Would they have left her in that side room?) I went home and exhausted forced some food down and went to bed. Waiting for the call. Couldn’t sleep, so watched Eastenders on my iPad. And someone’s mum, think it was George’s mum, was dying and the family sat around her hospital bed. She was clean and fresh and lucid, said her goodbyes, closed her eyes, and took her last breath. And I remember thinking, if only it was really like that.

Take care, we understand. I wouldn’t wish what mum and I went through on anyone.💐

Sending you so much love. So sorry you have had to go through this. I’ve been where you are sadly. No other words of wisdom. Please try and get some rest

OP, I know you feel like you’ll never recover from the trauma right now, but the memories of the horror you’ve just been through will soften with time and you’ll begin to remember your mum as you knew her when she was well. Everything is enhanced and you’re running on adrenaline right now.

Assisted dying in hospice care needs to happen now. I cannot fathom why it’s not a thing.

May your mother rest well, op.

I am in support of assisted dying and this thread has made me more driven to support the cause where I can.

My best to you and your family. I know it must feel unbearable and there is nothing that can be said. You were with her and I am sure that it meant the world to her.

All the best ❤️💐

I am so sorry for your loss. It is horrific. Having no control these last few days are the worst. It is beyond brutal.

My Mum died in November and I will say that no longer seeing her suffering gave me enormous relief and it got me to her funeral in one piece - I wrote and read her Eulogy on behalf of me and my 2 sisters which brought me comfort.

I hope the fact that she is no longer suffering will help you now. Take as much rest as you are able to give yourself.

This.
take comfort that she’s at peace. It’s brutal as @FizzPlease says, he’ll it’s bloody barbaric. So grab support where you can, and treat yourself as you would your best friend. Lean on us if you need to.

I'm so sorry OP for what your mum had to go through, and for you having to witness it. I lost my dad in March, the funeral was on Tuesday. The next couple of weeks will go by by in a blur. Sending you a massive hug x

Sending you much love.
Take care of yourself. Things will be strange and you have a new reality which will be hard to learn to live in.
Know Mumsnet is never shut and there's always someone here.

I am sending so much love to you.

My OH had a lucid moment in the midst of unconsciousness a day or so before he died. It felt both good (we were able to talk and he told us he loved us all) and negative (we had made the choice for him not to have his pneumonia treated as his quality of life was so dreadful, and momentarily we questioned that decision whilst also knowing it was too late).

But in the end we were able to treasure that brief interlude as a special moment ... I hope you will be able to feel this in time.

I just wanted to address what you said about your relationship with your Mum not always being how you might have wished, as I was in that situation with my mother. It does complicate grief in some ways as there is a temptation to go over the bad times and allow them to dominate. I felt some of that but realised in the end that we are all only human, with virtues and shortcomings and no relationship is totally clean of these ups and downs. I hope you can remember the good things and hold on to those .... I am sure that is what she would wish you to do.

In some ways your thread has helped me as I have a deteriorating heart condition and need to think about what I want when the end comes so that my DC can have clarity. So thank you for sharing your story.

I hope you will be able to get some sleep tonight secure in the knowledge that her suffering is now over.

Thank you

LPR is when they stop feeding and increase morphine to make it more comfortable

I saw your thread OP and have sort of been following, I am so sorry to hear about you and your mum's experience. At least she is at peace now, hopefully you can hold onto the "lovely" (as far as it could be in the circumstances) day recently where you and she chatted outside, and she had her ice lolly and in time will be able to remember better memories of her. At least she is out of pain.

It always sticks with me when we had animals pts when I was a child my mum saying "at least we can do this for animals, humans you have to watch them suffer."

I am 100% pro assisted dying, theres multiple things I'd want it for myself in the event I get them. Why are humans denied the kindness we can offer animals.

Hopefully you have someone who can be with you for support.

Sending a big hug OP, mumsnet didn’t give me a notification that you’d updated with the sad news yesterday, and I just came to check the thread and realised.

You have to cling on to every little blessing you can find, and your lovely moments outside with her on Friday is one of them.

Remember, when you’re going through hell, just keep going.

Both of my parents died after a stroke and they each spent a week unconscious in bed - they could hear us - and they both died peacefully and without pain. I know everyone is different but I just want to post this so people will know that some deaths can be peaceful, quiet and calm and pain free.

She did that on her own. She went from being ravenously hungry when she was on steroids to a week later wanting nothing at all, just the odd sip of water

This is why I write a strong letter to my MP but it fell on deaf ears as he was opposed to euthanasia. I am sorry but the extreme suffering of those dying has to outweigh a tiny fear that if you are disabled people will pressurise you to die. At present. I feel that we are held captive and millions have to die with extreme suffering. Hospice care / palliative care is a joke as there is extreme pain and suffering and to say otherwise is delusional.

In other words absolute millions have to die in extreme agony as disabled pressure groups are worried about their members. This is a joke.

Sending you lots of thoughts, it's the most awful experience to witness. I hope your mum went as peacefully as she could do.
Look after yourself, I found trying to go back to normal life after being with my dying relative (6 weeks on end of life care) the hardest part. The nurses said it would take time to readjust and they were right.

I am disabled and absolutely believe in assisted death. I think the narrative around ‘killing off disabled people’ is ridiculous.
I know there will come a time when I am really going to struggle. I want the right to choose.
I looked after both of my parents - which when you are as limited as I am was horrific - and I never want to go through what they did.
I have no family of my own and to be quite frank if it’s selfish to choose my time, I’m selfish.
I would never wish what OP and her mum have been through on anyone. It is inhumane.
I am also Roman Catholic and to be quite frank, if God’s got a problem with me choosing well I’ll take my chances.
Absolutely support terminally ill people not suffering.
It is not a state-sponsored programme to rid the country of sick or disabled people.
Why that is not understood I have NO idea…

Take time to process the hellish experience your poor mum endured. It’s over for her now and you need to take comfort in knowing the pain and suffering for her has gone, regardless of the days leading up to it. She endured and overcame one of the very worst ways to die.

We went through a very similar situation with our Mum, brain tumours from Ovarian cancer and five years of ‘fighting’, she too was terrified of death. Truly horrific and a form of trauma no one ever warns you about. I was actually happy and relieved that my Mum had died, there wasn’t any sadness left in me once it finally happened because I’d cried all the tears watching her suffer the last 2 weeks, just as yours did.

Death was a twisted happy ending which strangely helped me process the trauma long term simply because some of the events that happened were horrific enough to tip you over the edge of sanity. Assisted dying can’t come soon enough, shame on anyone who thinks this is an acceptable way to die.

Take care of yourself OP, you did everything you could and more, she’s at peace.

I'm thinking of you @SpongeKnobNoPants .
I think many on your thread are.♥️

Hope you get to swamp her with pain meds - the tumour will break the bone - it’s horrible. Please afterwards campaign for euthanasia - it’s barbaric they those campaigning for those with disabilities ( fear of forced deaths if disabled) are preventing those in gruesome extreme pain from dying of having peaceful ends. The 2 things are completely different and the Parliament should be able to write legislation to accommodate this -instead it got stuck in the Lords.

May she rest in peace and may time help you heal OP. Sending love