Handhold please - in hospice with dying mum *TRIGGER WARNING*

[SpongeKnobNoPants]

TRIGGER WARNING Terminal cancer

Sleeping over in the hospice with her tonight just waiting for the bastard evil cunt of a brain tumour to take her.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, my stomachs doing somersaults and so fucking knotted up and having waves of crippling panic.

I can't bear it. It's such a cruel way to go. I'm so desperate for it to be over for her. Literally begging the universe to hurry the fuck up and stop dragging out her pain.

Big Hugs 💕🌷

I completely agree with what you said. But for now keep trying to refocus your thoughts to her being at peace now. you need to focus on getting your body & thoughts calm.

sometime in the future, if you want to, you can put your energy into improving the system, but not niw.

right now you have focus on your well being & the mountain of practicalities that now face you.

my thoughts are with you 🤗🌷💕

I’m so sorry, OP. I’m sat crying reading this thread, how incredibly cruel for you all to have to go through something so traumatic. It’s really not fair. May she rest in peace now. Thinking of you 💔

I'm so sorry @SpongeKnobNoPants sending you and your family lots of love

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. I'm glad your mum is now at peace.

Wishing you peace and rest over the coming months.

I’m so sorry, @SpongeKnobNoPants.💐

Having read your thread yesterday, OP, I felt so sad for you with this dreadful, traumatising experience. I’m really relieved to hear she’s died but I despair at the suffering involved for her and you.

Assisted dying can’t come soon enough.

Giving you a hand hold OP 😢, I’ve been in this position, it’s absolutely the most awful thing to have to witness… it sounds like she’s in the best place though but that’s no real consolation. When I was in this position, I was in such a state. I’m not especially religious but oddly, I felt so desperate that I went to the chapel and felt the strangest sense of calm, to this day, I cannot describe it. Maybe it was the break from seeing my Dad like this, but it did help. I wrote his name down on a list for prayer or something. I was desperate for this ‘stage’ to end and for him to be at peace. I asked to speak to a grief counselor - who was also a hospital chaplain, and although I can’t recall what she said, it was someone to listen to me I guess? I used to go over the road to a posh burger place for tea and they served wine and I would always have a glass - just one, but it helped! I was living in a blur…big hugs x

I’m so sorry @SpongeKnobNoPants, it is brutal, exhausting and deeply haunting to bear witness to the death of someone you love very much. My dad died of advanced cancer a few weeks ago in hospice, and I feel totally traumatised and haunted by his last days and weeks. I wish more than anything it was something that had never happened, both for him and for myself. But it’s a great service and act of love to accompany someone you care about on their final journey, and I try and remind myself of this when I’m feeling overwhelmed with the awfulness of it all. Your mum could feel your love, and that’s a great gift. Take care x

So sorry, it’s awful to watch someone as they slip away.

i hope you get some rest now and remember all of the wonderful times you had with your mum.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum, OP. She was so lucky to have you.

I’ve also seen terrible suffering of a parent. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, but for them at least, there’s peace in knowing it is over. Much love OP.

I had no idea it was so brutal, OP I hope you are getting some rest xx

Oh love, when I saw your previous post about the breathing and being phlegmy, I didn’t think it would be long. I am so so sorry.

My son (28) passed away 10 months ago from a brain tumour (dx 2022). We had “hospice at home”. Sunday night he went to the cinema with DH (albeit in a wheelchair as his balance wasn’t great), Monday he was ok, had one of his fave meals for dinner. Tuesday he went downhill, Dr came out, syringe drivers put in. Wednesday hospice bed came. We had overnight nurse on the Wed/Thurs, I slept with him on the Friday, hospice nurse on the Saturday (although one of us was always in the next room and she called the dr out at 2am Sunday morning for his breathing. Injection given. He passed away 2 hours later.

Weird thing is…DS2 popped in to see him on the Saturday lunchtime and I said to DS1 you will never guess what DS2 had for his lunch yesterday and where he got it from…he only opened his eyes and bloody well answered (he loved his food).

Be kind to yourself ❤️ xx

I am so sorry @SpongeKnobNoPants 💐
I know it's so awful right now but at least she is at peace.
It took a long time before I could look at any photos of my mum in happier times, but one day you will, when things aren't as raw.

I'm so sorry for your loss. When the dust settles please seek support for yourself. We went through similar with my darling MIL and completely agree that it is fucking barbaric.

Oh lovie, what a terrible time you have had. I am in tears for the struggle your dear mother had, and that you had to watch. I am glad for her that she is at peace, it's those left behind who suffer now, sadly. Please, please be very kind to yourself, sleep when you can, eat what you want, try to relax in the love of those who care for you.
You are so right about assisted dying, it cannot come soon enough. In ye olden days people were often 'helped along' and a bloody good thing it was. I must confess, my deepest secret (and regret); when my sister in law was dying of bowel cancer I was feeding her fentanyl at twice the frequency prescribed but it wasn't anything like enough. If I had known then that there was morphine and syringes in her bedroom I would have overdosed her without hesitation. Hang the consequences. My regret is that I was not able to give her that release. She died that night, in hospital, on her own but pain free. I suspect that is what she was waiting for.

So sorry. Ive been there, my sister passed away with cancer. She was only in hospice care for 4 days. The end was quite rapid. We managed to get there 15 minutes before, so I was able to hold her hand till the end.
Is she on a morphine drip and can you ask them if they can increase the dose?
Wishing your mum peace, and for you and your family.
Take care xxx

I am so sorry you have lost your mum to such a bloody awful disease. Our 4 year old niece died from a brain tumour, it was horrific to say the least.

Wishing you all the best op

Is she onL.P.R ?

I’m so sorry, OP. Your post has had such an effect on me. I have never thought much about the assisted dying bill … both my parents died very peacefully with no struggle and I was with them both. We were lucky. If we ever get the chance to vote for the assisted dying bill, I will vote for it … because of you and your darling mum.
May she rest in peace now x

Oh god, your son at just 28?? 😢...people like you, Im just in awe and admiration of your strength. Same goes for everyone on this thread who have shared their similar experiences. I'll be using the strength from everyone here to power me through, because right now I feel so bloody weak. I forced myself to walk to the shop earlier for some essentials and give the dog a quick walk. But even that felt surreal and swimmy.

Nothing feels real. Nothing feels right. I've lost people before, experiencing death isnt new to me at all. But this...this was different. Me and my mother really had a difficult relationship over the years. Times of not speaking to each other first weeks/months at a time. But ultimately I still loved her, and she still loved me and I wouldn't wish this kind of death on my worst enemy.

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Genuinely 😭

Everyone who has to die in these circumstances, where there is absolutely zero chance of recovery (this was my mother's 3rd bout of cancer in 15 months where all the chemo, radiotherapy, endless drugs and surgeries had failed due to its aggressiveness) should be allowed the choice to end it before it becomes this unbearable torture. There was a couple of days where she was begging for someone to end it for her before they pumped her with sedatives. About a week ago, on Sunday and Monday. It nearly drove my brother to the brink of a breakdown.

Honestly, this will never leave me. The crushing pain from this experience sometimes leaves me literally breathless.

Im not sure. What is LPR?

I’m so sorry. I sat there with my mum and said “this is ridiculous. She’s dying, she’s not going to improve and we can’t do anything? Yet you would be prosecuted for doing this to a pet? Make it make sense”

Im here if you ever need to chat 💐