I feel like the worst mum right now

[Somewanttosingtheblues]

I know that title is bit of an exaggeration but I genuinely do feel that I am.

My DD turns 18 next week and has asked me to travel an hour and a half with her to a London shopping centre for a big shopping spree, with an early start.

She's asked me because her boyfriend will be on holiday with his dad, her best friend has moved away to live with her bf and her other friend is flakey and let's her down all the time.

The problem is that I'm at my lowest I have ever been with my mental and physical health right now and just stepping out my door is a major feat for me these days let alone going to London all day. I help care for my elderly mum who is in advanced dementia and after 6 years it's wrecked me emotionally. I am deep in perimenopause which has not been easy on me. I am in pain, bloated and sore from endometriosis and adenomyosis (awaiting a hysterectomy) and I suffer from daily gut issues, I can have an attack of diarrhoea or suddenly need the loo at any point during the day with little notice and no amount of medication or anything I do fixes this at this moment in time, it takes me around 4-6 hours every morning just to settle my stomach to a manageable level. I am beyond depressed and just want to take to my bed when ever I can. A shopping trip would be the very last thing on my personal wish list of things to do.

My children are aware of my health issues but I do try my hardest to keep a lot of it to myself because I don't want them growing up saying mum was absent or never doing anything with us due to her health issues but the truth is that the very last thing I want to do right now, or feel that I can do is traipse round a shopping centre in the middle of a major city when I feel so shitty - the travelling alone is enough to set off my tummy woes.

I love my DD dearly and we have a lovely relationship but I really don't want to go but don't want to let her down either. I have suggested some closer areas (which will still be an issue for me) but admittedly our area is crap for shopping and she has her heart set on Westfields or Lakeside.

I fucking hate my life as it is these days without the stress of letting her down. I don't know what to do.

What can I do?

I have endometriosis and adenomyosis which is more than likely pressing on my bowels causing my issuess, something I have had to put up with for decades because I was only diagnosed at the age of 50.

Yes, I am a very self absorbed person, I mean, look at the evidence for that, I have spent the last 6 years helping to care for my mum who is now in late stage dementia whilst raising a family and having to deal with major gynae issues and an unruly bowel. Yep, what a complete selfish bitch I am.

The fact you have little understanding or empathy says a lot about you, not so much me.

We are giving her money for her birthday so hopefully she can go out and have a nice spend up with her boyfriend when he returns from holiday.

I have tried HRT but it made the endo pain worse so my gynae has suggested I wait until the hysterectomy and excision surgery and try again afterwards.

Oh how I feel for you. I am not too bad on lots of days, but I go through phases of awful digestive issues (constant vomiting and palpitations - possibly cyclical vomiting syndrome according to consultant), adenomyosis, typical and atypical (vestibular) migraines, chronic anemia. And being asked to go into a shopping centre when struggling with the symptoms would just be impossible.

I like some of the suggestions above - but how about making it into an online experience? Including some fizz and a takeaway. "right daughter, for the next 30 minutes we're browsing the shops for a nice going out top", "OK, now onto an amazing pair of jeans" etc. Fork out for next day delivery on her orders. Buy her a voucher for a spa day for 2 for when you're feeling up to it as well.

They don't really have much of a relationship as my sister has no children of her own and was never interested in mine when they were young.

I do take imodium quite regularly but I find it gives me terrible stomach cramps. I will see how I feel the day before and see if I can take some.

Oh I'm so sorry
that's utterly rubbish

please talk to your daughter and explain how you feel, and why - and tell her how much you love her and come up with a compromise plan, doing something with toilets readily available - but that's also special

Sorry, I don't think I fully explained myself in my OP.

I have IBS, I have had that for years and that was manageable but since the discovery of my endometriosis and adenomyosis the bowel issues have become dire at times and unpredictable. My endo gynae now thinks the combinations of adenomyosis, endo which is possibly on the bowel and peri hormones are driving the digestive issues.

I do have anxiety about going out these days because who wouldn't when you have an unruly bowel which lets you down all the time? But it appears to be the gynae issues causing the issues which I currently seem to have little control over atm (I have tried endless things to help).

Anyhow, I will have a good chat with dd when she is back tonight and see if we can come up with something alternative or see if there is anyone who she may be able to go with.

I am also planning on taking both my dc away on a lovely holiday after my surgery and recovery. I just wish this had all come about before my children's special birthdays (ds is 21 at the end of the year!).

That's a lovely idea, I will look into personal shoppers.

I also suffer with bowel issues so really do feel your pain. If I want to go out I avoid eating beforehand (usually the day before), take 8 - 10 Loperamide (Immodium) and some codeine tablets. I find this helps and means I'm able to leave the house confidently. I always take a change of clothes and wet wipes with me and, for additional reassurance, wear Tena Lady pants for just in case.
It's far from ideal, I appreciate, but I also have a teenage daughter and know how much she loves those London shopping centres!. I also know how little she realises how hard it is for me to do these things because, like you, I try to shield her from my health worries. It's just one day, OP. And like a pp said, it really won't be as bad as you're anticipating, you might even enjoy it! She's only 18 once.

I think you need to be honest with your daughter. Can you do something closer to home instead? The posters that have advised you to go are clearly unaware that this is something you would need to build up to very gradually. You know your limits op and your health sounds really difficult.

Well, the issue has resolved itself atm. DD has an exam next Thursday, she thought it was the week after so that's that.

We talked it through last night and hopefully she will be able to go with her bf as he will be back from holiday the week after, I will give her the money for the shopping trip and we will do something else together instead.