I feel like the worst mum right now

[Somewanttosingtheblues]

I know that title is bit of an exaggeration but I genuinely do feel that I am.

My DD turns 18 next week and has asked me to travel an hour and a half with her to a London shopping centre for a big shopping spree, with an early start.

She's asked me because her boyfriend will be on holiday with his dad, her best friend has moved away to live with her bf and her other friend is flakey and let's her down all the time.

The problem is that I'm at my lowest I have ever been with my mental and physical health right now and just stepping out my door is a major feat for me these days let alone going to London all day. I help care for my elderly mum who is in advanced dementia and after 6 years it's wrecked me emotionally. I am deep in perimenopause which has not been easy on me. I am in pain, bloated and sore from endometriosis and adenomyosis (awaiting a hysterectomy) and I suffer from daily gut issues, I can have an attack of diarrhoea or suddenly need the loo at any point during the day with little notice and no amount of medication or anything I do fixes this at this moment in time, it takes me around 4-6 hours every morning just to settle my stomach to a manageable level. I am beyond depressed and just want to take to my bed when ever I can. A shopping trip would be the very last thing on my personal wish list of things to do.

My children are aware of my health issues but I do try my hardest to keep a lot of it to myself because I don't want them growing up saying mum was absent or never doing anything with us due to her health issues but the truth is that the very last thing I want to do right now, or feel that I can do is traipse round a shopping centre in the middle of a major city when I feel so shitty - the travelling alone is enough to set off my tummy woes.

I love my DD dearly and we have a lovely relationship but I really don't want to go but don't want to let her down either. I have suggested some closer areas (which will still be an issue for me) but admittedly our area is crap for shopping and she has her heart set on Westfields or Lakeside.

I fucking hate my life as it is these days without the stress of letting her down. I don't know what to do.

What can I do?

poor you its horrid wwhen your health dictates your life I know it well. if you did go in theory who would look after your mum?
I know you do not want to let her down but be honest about your health you may find she does understand. its not the same but tell her soon as you feel able you will do a shopping day for her but at the moment why doesnt she come to stay at home with you, you could cook her a nice dinner, maybe do something local and of course see her grandparent whom i guess she does not see often
sending you a gentle hug and love

Whilst I understand shopping is not on your to do list, it is on hers. 18 is a huge birthday and she isn't* asking for much, I'd avoid eating too late the day before, arrange to leave mid day so your stomach can settle in the morning like normal, and just go with her.

I'm not attempting in any way to belittle your health issues, I don't live with them you do, so I can only give an outsiders POV.

But I will say, anxiety wise - sometimes things are just so much better when it's done, you will probably end up having a lovely day shopping and a lunch and come home knackered but happy you did it. The anxiety tends to be in the build up of something and not in the actual thing.

Sadly as much as I wish my stomach settles to 'normal' later morning what I mean is that it's horrendous and then awful so even during the day it's very unpredictable and comes in in a moments notice, that's really not fun when you are out and about and I really don't want to be soiling myself in a large shopping centre.

I know it's a huge birthday which is why I feel so god damn awful about the possibility of not being able to go. I'd give anything to be able to switch off and 'forget' about it but it's not that simple, my endometriosis is most probably on my bowel and causing the issues, not any kind of anxiety.

Thank you.

My sister sits with my mum on a Thursday, it's one of my 'free' days which I usually spend at home.

I want more than anything to be able to go with her but I suppose I'll just need to be honest with her.

Do you think it’s agoraphobia? Because telling you ‘it’s not asking for much’ is showing a complete lack of understanding.

My daughter responded to Sertraline. You may need help to overcome this. Let your gp know.

Sorry, I assumed it was mostly anxiety related due to saying it's a big thing when you do manage to get out.

Have you ever had CBT for your stomach? I only ask as I think that’s the approach you need to take- a strategy that works out well if you did get an upset stomach, what do you do. If you get the train there will be toilets on it, there will be toilets in the shopping centre. Could you stay in a hotel the night before to help settle you?

I’d be doing everything I could to be there. If that can’t happen, can you pay for her to come to you and find something less daunting and closer to home?

Could you make this work by doing it virtually?

1. Happy evening on the sofa together browsing the shops in the centre and what they have in, make a shortlist.
2. She goes without you but calls you and sends you selfies all the way through, you coo and cheer.
3. While she's on her way back you prepare her favourite dinner to be waiting for her.
4. Girls' night in watching something nice.

I know its not the same but it might be the best you can do. So try to make it a good best. Maybe agree on the same playlist to listen to through the day as well, so you feel connected. Maybe buy her something special to read on the train. Or can you play a game on your phones together while she's on the train?

It's a few hours and her special day.
You sound self absorbed. Just do it for your daughter.

Jesus! Have a bit of sympathy! I have a chronic illness and there is no way I could walk around a shopping centre all day! It's not just a few hours, it's travelling there and back, making it an all day thing.

You have my sympathies OP, talk to your daughter. My DS is 17 and would totally understand why I couldn't do what you are being asked to do.

My mum had a disability and even though there's loads of things I'd have loved to have done with her and I might have been disappointed at the time (teenage selfishness) I have never thought she was the worst mum.

Explain your health, especially if she doesn't know the extent of it. And see if there's anything you can do/she wants to do instead.

I understand where you're coming from and I hope you go easy on yourself. It's a big birthday but the situation is what it is and I'm sure if you could you would.

If you’re physically unable then you’re physically unable and not much to be done. Only you can know if that’s the case.

If there’s any way you could dig deep or make accommodations to be able to go on the trip as a one-off then I would do so, but if it’s not possible then that’s all there is to it really.

I know how debilitating health issues can be and how they affect your whole life. I have arthritis and bowel issues and managed to actually do my food shop in person earlier but I have literally just sat on my bed and cried because I am in so much pain.
Having said that, my daughter had a milestone birthday last month and we went to see a London theatre show. I was so anxious whether I’d need a toilet in a rush, or how I was going to manage the walking and underground etc but I just took things really slowly and I was so pleased that I had pushed myself!
We’re all different obviously but could you take things slowly? Maybe sit on a bench while your daughter goes into a shop etc?

Just tell her can you do something at home or maybe near by she can go.shopping with her friend or boyfriend when they are free. What had you planned for her birthday?

I have a stomach issue and sometimes I dose up on anti diarrhea medications just incase if im going far is that something you have tried?

Yes, this. If there's a reasonable risk you won't make a toilet in time, you can't go, not least because that kind of accident would have consequences for your daughter too.

How about giving her some money for the trip? And explain that you are not well .She will understand .I would be honest about your health .

I would explain how you're feeling, couldn't she postpone shopping and go with her boyfriend when he gets back. She might get a little frustrated by the reality of going at a slower pace to hers. Could you do lunch somewhere more local. Surely she'll understand. Wishing you better health soon and your daughter a very happy birthday.

Like other posters said , if this is anxiety driven I would try and dig deep and go with your daughter. But that’s only if you can.

A days shopping is not a massive ask and IF you can, it sounds like
she needs you to step up.

This is not to say that any parent with a chronic illness or disability should be able to push through, but my friends mum who had a bag and was in a wheelchair always made sure she had an annual day shopping with my friend.

Hope the stomach and anxiety issues improve

Poor you - I completely understand you not being able to go far when diarrhoea is a daily prospect, amongst other health issues .

Firstly have you ever considered HRT? How old are you?

estrogen works in every cell in our body and can have a very positive effect on digestive troubles, so it may be worth looking into

A suggestion:

1. Order loads of clothes online for her to try on at home, then send back what doesn’t fit.
2. instead of a long day in London, plan a nice trip to a spa? With afternoon tea or lunch or something. Somewhere with good toilet access so you are ‘safe’ whatever happens? You get to spend some time with DD but it’s less pressure than a long day shopping?

My sister sits with my mum on a Thursday

Could your sister (her aunt) go with her on the shopping trip OP and you sit with your mum? Then when she gets back she can show you everything she bought and you can have birthday tea and a nice evening with her?

I have endometriosis and it's affected my bowels. Anti diarrhoea meds do help. Even if just for a short time. 💐

I get the chronic health condition part (cancer with ongoing issues) but I moved heaven and earth to try be there for my kids on big occasions like these so I’d be trying to find a work around rather than flat no.

What about booking her in with a personal shopper and you wait in the reception part of their changing room / suite? Or even a nearby cafe? Both would have loo’s close by.

Full sympathy for your physical & mental health issues, it's not easy
I think with a little understanding and help from your daughter, this could be manageable - it just needs planning.

Eg do you have a radar key? If not you can get one quite quickly
Sit near the loos on the train, prepare with immodium etc beforehand
Plan the shopping so you can take frequent breaks etc

Can you afford to stay overnight? It might be easier to book a hotel for the night so you're not trying to do so much in one day - booking the night before might work out best for your stomach problems and then the following day you only have to focus on the journey home where you can flake out as needed. It would also mean a later start before you hit the shops.

I've had endless cbt therapy sessions, they don't help because my anxiety isn't causing the digestive issues, after many tests they believe it's the endometriosis and adenomyosis which is why I am now awaiting a hysterectomy and excision surgery in the hope this may ease the issue. The unpredictable bowel habits and suddenly needing to find a loo is the driving force of my anxiety.