Stressed about FIL's filthy house and family avoiding difficult conversations

[PeppyBalonz]

I'm so stressed so just want a rant .

Background we are working parents of two small kids, always busy either with kids activities etc or maintaining our home.

FIL up to now was fit and healthy, but recently had a cancer scare and kidney removed. He now needs a hip op.

My stress point is that his house has not been cleaned for 20 yrs since his wife passed away. Both kids my husband included are too scared of upsetting him to go in and dump everything. I can't get involved as I just get told to butt out by SIL.

Honestly I want to be supportive but I just know once he gets a date for his next op or if something unforseen happens it will be all scrambling around and our family, my mental health and the kids day to day will suffer.

I just wish they could have it out with each other, say what they need to say and then move on with a long term plan to sort the house out.

I even hate bringing my kids over as it's filthy and it kills me for them so see that it's ok .

Is He a gruff but ultimately reasonable? Or extremely reactive and likely to explode. Is he A Hoarder, or just a depressed man that thinks cleaning is women’s work and if there is no woman to clean then it has to stay dirty? What age is he?

What about you, are you able to have difficult conversations?

in the best case scenario
If you said (away from the kids) FIL, there is something I want to ask you. I am starting to worry about you and the house when you have the hip replacement. I am worried that you were never really taught how to be a ‘Housewife’ and it might make things more difficult for everyone including you in the future…” and then you need to list out specific things e.g. That the kitchen isn’t meeting your needs now and for the future. The stuff on the counter says maybe you don’t have enough storage space, or you need a hand getting started with getting rid of things that are out of date.
I am worried that the bathroom isn’t meeting your need for now or in the future. It’s obvious that it’s a difficult space to clean, and that will get worse if you have reduced mobility.
You could also say “Look you are a proud man, and I would hate for there to be a health crisis and for you then to suddenly get landed with big changes you have no control over.”
Have a max of 3 points with specific options and suggestions. Offer to help for to do (I.e. don’t go spending his money!) Start with the hygiene issues (Kitchen/bathroom).

It is possible to have these conversations about they do need to happen with respect and solution oriented.

This is a situation that you cannot control so you need to stop worrying over it. Your husband and his sister know how you feel about it and have chosen to ignore you so there's nothing more you can do.

I wouldn't take your children there. If your husband asks why say it's not been cleaned for 20 years and is a health hazard. If he has to go on his own it might make him take action.

Focus on what you can control, not what you can't. You can tell your DH that his father's home is unsanitary and he and his sibling need to address it, and organise a cleaner for him. If he needs home carers in the near future, they cannot be expected to work in filthy conditions. You can tell your DH that you're not going there until it's clean and that you don't want the children going there either. He might insist on taking the children but then he will have to take care of them himself without your help while he's there.

Try not to catastrophise about what can/will happen in the future - it doesn't help you to worry, it won't change anything. Focus on you own life and the children, everything else will have to sort itself out without you.

Agree with PPs. Don’t go there! I wouldn’t take my DC to somewhere so filthy, family or not! It’s really not your responsibility to sort out. Too many older people, more likely older men, fail to forward plan and then expect everyone else to jump in and save them, regardless of their own lives, as they age and something invariably goes awry.

My FIL is the same. When he was taken ill he had to go to my BIL’s place to recover. This caused all kinds of issues as BiL felt taken advantage of and was putting pressure on us to have FIL to stay (impractical for lots of reasons). If FIL’s house had been in a better state his sons could have stayed with him a few days each and he would have been close to his own GP etc. I dread to think what will happen next time he is unwell. We will end up sorting it out and it’s so annoying as it could all have been prevented. Of course if I say that I am rude and uncaring

Focus on what you can control, not what you can't

^ This, as @Endofyear says.

Your FIL is not your responsibility, he is not your blood relative. Please don't give this anything like as much headspace as you are doing at the moment. And I really don't understand why any of it should be having any impact on your mental health. Not your circus etc.

I agree with @ThePM that focusing on what's going to happen during his recovery is the best approach. But I'd say that your DH, not your FIL. Explain that it's going to be a nightmare after his hip op if things aren't sorted out now - and he can then speak to his Dad in terms of his health., i.e. Dad, we need to make the house ready for your post-op recovery.

It's their responsibility to sort this out, not yours. Good luck.

I wouldn't get involved. If he suffers because carers won't enter the property that's his fault. He might learn the.

You have the a DH problem if he’s being passive about his father’s issues and taking the DC to an unsafe, dirty home. You don’t have to do what your H wants.

The reality is that this man is your husbands father.

You need to tell your husband and sil they need to clean up fil house and get things sorted out before he has a hip replacement. Ask them what going to happen to fil after the hip replacement as he will need help then?
Tell them that a physio or doctor could call to the house or an OT might call to see if he needs things like a shower chair, grab rail in the shower ect.
I would tell them both together that you won't be providing care for there father as you have 2 small kid's
Is his bathroom on the ground floor or upstairs?
He might have to go into a nursing home for a while after this.

Can you use the hip operation as an excuse to get a cleaner in ‘while he recovers’? This is what we did when my MIL had a hip operation - I could see they’d been struggling for a little while, but they wouldn’t accept any suggestions for help. MIL has recovered now, but the cleaner has stayed on. However, DH and his brother were in agreement about this, which was easier. DH and I pay for it.

The comments about recovery are a very good point as well - MIL had OT visits, had to sleep downstairs for a few weeks, district nurse visits etc. Having a clean house made it easier.

And this is exactly why once a week, I clean my Fathers house. Get your husband and sister to roll their sleeves up, brace themselves and attack the house when he is in hospital. I do find this exhausting, but I would visit him anyway, so it kills 2 birds with one stone. I also secretly chuck things out every week. Whilst I am cleaning, I don’t have to listen to his moaning!

Another one who doesn’t get why you’re so stressed about this. Don’t take your kids there if it’s a risk to them but otherwise, why are you making this your problem?

You have been told to stay out of it - this means you can detach yourself from worrying about this. Your husband can get involved if he wants.

What you have got control over is refusing to visit his dirty house. Not been cleaned for 20 years?! Horrific!

If he has a hip op there's the worry that living in filthy conditions will cause infection to the wound. Definitely discuss this with the hospital when he's next in.

Honestly I want to be supportive but I just know once he gets a date for his next op or if something unforseen happens it will be all scrambling around and our family, my mental health and the kids day to day will suffer.

Thats an interesting statement. Do you feel that your FIL, DH and SIL won’t (or feel they can’t) plan for the eventuality that your FIL has a crisis and can’t be safely in his dirty home, and that you will have to pick up the pieces and this will be a terrible burden to you? I am struggling to understand how this situation could cause you mental ill health, unless you are already very anxious generally and trying to control things that aren’t within your control.

You might not be able to control your FIL and his bad choices, but you can make the choice to accept the situation and enact the control you have over your own response (eg whether or not to “scramble around”, whether to visit or allow your children to visit his filthy house) and take care of your wellbeing so you you don’t become overwhelmed.

This is your FIL, not your own parent. Step back a bit, as you are being asked to.

Difficult that this is, its none of your business, your fil has 2 children, your husband and his sister. Its up to them to sort things out with your fil and his property and the state of it. Your sil is getting arcy with you because that's how she feels, you are interfering. You dont say how old your kids are. Assuming they are teenagers you need to have explanations for them. Rather than condemn their Grandfather for his dirty house and that you are sorry to subject them to it, talk to them about people's emotions and frailties of when people get older, how they sometimes give up, how they dont cope when they've lost a partner. Your cjildren are growing up into an adult world, there are things they need to understand. Maybe you should have your fil round to your place more, cook him some meals, volunteer to do some washing for him. My advice is to back off and let your sil and husband sort their father and his house out or you are going to fall out!

Some bizarre responses on here OP. I completely understand your issues and worry about the disruption to your lives. Having to deal with looking after someone in a filthy house would make me feel the same. Hard as it may seem I would speak to DH and simply say you won’t be able to help at FILs house and neither will the DC be going until it’s cleaned.

Difficult as dil to address this, but if sil has told you to butt out she can deal with the inevitable fall out along with your dh.
Fwiw I clean my dms house. She pays me, She didnt want a cleaner and i get the opportunity to chuck loads of stuff that a cleaner wouldn't. Cannot imagine the house of horror I'd be dealing with now if I hadn't started this 8 years back. Must have taken over 40 car loads of crap to the dump in that time

Its not the OPs business to discuss anything with anybody. She's the dil, not a daughter or her fils carer! Her fil has 2 children, its for the OPs husband and his sisters job to sort out their father and liaise with any agencies. Her sil has told her effectively to stay out of things. The OP admits to being emotionally charged and compulsive and they've asked her to back off. She's also winding up her children and there are sensitive ways of handling this. If the OP doesnt back off and calm down there's going to be a huge row, which this frail old man does not need.

Whoa! It's not HER father. It's not her business! Yes indeed she can speak to her husband and say how she feels about going to his Dad's house how dirty it is and how their children find it revolting but its not her job to get involved and she's been told by her husband and sister in law to back off and leave them to do things their way. The right thing to do would be not to go there but have her father in law with them for meals visits etc. She's only an in law and the sister in law is resenting her interference, she must step back she's attempted to follow your advice and its not been welcome, push it and there'll be a big falling out.

I would say to him - now you are in pain with your hip I wondered if you’d be interested in giving a woman I know a couple of hours of cleaning here, she is looking for work. She could hoover round and tidy the kitchen -what do you think.
I wouldn’t suggest chucking stuff out. That doesn’t matter. But clean worktops would be good.
if he balks at paying much you can prearrange with the cleaner to top up what he pays.

He and the state of the house are not your responsibility and you have been clearly told to butt out, give this no more head space.
Please bear this in mind when he needs daily care or he's dead and the house needs de cluttering and cleaning to be sold, because somehow I suspect you will be expected to take on some responsibility.

Oh I feel your pain. Had same issue with FIL but Mil was still there but blind and demented. SiL was supportive tho albeit not when he was present. She was too frightened of him to tell him herself. We organised a cleaner and I did a safeguarding referral via the council (for mil) which helped as they did a care needs assessment.
Mil has had some faecal accidents and it was smeared all over the sofa so I stopped theg kids going and told him why.

Quite a contradiction in this post to tell the OP to back off, then later suggest she has her FIL round to their house more, cook his dinner, and do his laundry! Why isn’t her DH doing all this already, I wonder?

I expect that what the OP means is that if there is a crisis she will be expected to step up and help, or have the sole responsibility for the children while her DH is dealing with FIL, and while that’s to be expected when you’re in a partnership, it’s really frustrating to see that things will be made more difficult by no action being taken now.