Anyone else feeling sad as their children move into the teen years?

[Trekkinntremblin]

Anyone else feel sad that their preteen kids are through their proper childhood years and the next stages are teen and adulthood and all the seriousness and anguish that comes with that?

They even look so different, carry themselves differently, and no longer have the wide eyed innocence… it goes so incredibly quickly.

Luckily I also have a 2 year old so I get to experience it all again.

How do others cope?

Cope? You don’t really have a choice.

My DCs are 21, 19, 16 and 13. I was visiting a friend recently and we walked past a primary school at lunchtime and the amazing sound of children in their playground having fun, playing etc choked me up a bit as I realised my DCs were older and that little kid parenting stage of life was gone for me.

It sounds daft and it was a fleeting sadness.

I’ve got DS14 and DD17. Sometimes I look at photos of when they are little and miss that time. I think of holidays we did or things we did with friends and yearn to do them all over again.

But I can honestly say, having teens (and mine aren’t straightforward teens, by any means) has been the most amazing thing. Yes, there is anguish, arguments and big problems, and endless sodding exams, but they are brilliant company and you learn as much from them as they do from you. We do loads of things with our teens (this morning DH is off to karate with DS, I’m off for Clubbacise and, god help me, driving practice with DD) and it’s great fun and an adventure for us oldies too. Much as they push you away (especially in the teens years) they really do need you close, and to know you like them and have their backs. And there will be plenty of fun, laughter and adventure among the tricky times. The rewards pay off in the wonderful surprise of seeing people they become- not you, not a ‘typical teen’ but completely and unexpectedly themselves.

Mine are now 22, 21, 18 and 16 - they are such fun and I love spending time with them. Your relationship with them grows as they do - or should - and each stage has its joys and challenges!

I'm loving seeing where they are going and their next stages - and hopefully in the (distant!) future I may get to be a grandmother and can do fun stuff with small people again, but hand them back to their parents for the hard graft bits 😉😁

Mine are 10 and 14 (almost 15) I miss them being little of course, but love the things we can do together now they’re older, long haul holidays, shopping trips, gigs together.

What a wonderful post ❤️

I have never really understood this. I have three teens. They are fantastic. I loved them little, but I think I enjoy them much more now they're really people! I am going to visit my eldest and stay in her flat!! We'll go shopping and stop for a beer in a pub and cook together. Bliss!! She messages me most days and updates me with a big chat on Sundays. My middle one is 17 and I adore spending time with him. We have of fitness in common and I have had my best runs ever by his side. He's such a kind and careful young man. My youngest is 14. She's hilarious. A baby one moment and then a glimpse of the young woman she is becoming. It's such a privilege to have them in my life.

I have two boys ( well they are men now)
My favourite era was the teen years.
We could do so much with them as they were getting stronger and fitter, we could ski, mountain, bike ,hike, climb further and for longer.
Their opinions were interesting and we could have some good debates. They introduced us new to us music and they listened to ours and we would go to quite a few gigs together.
You will be so proud when you see them mature and collect awards from high school and develop an inner confidence.

As they come to the end of the teens you will miss that as well but maybe you'll be proud watching them start their careers and move out.
The teen years was a golden era! I hope you enjoy it op,dont be sad, it's just a new chapter.

Your relationship with them grows and changes and you get to have all sorts of conversations and activities that are interesting and new.

@Trekkinntremblinit does sound as if you’re in danger of romanticising the early years as all sunshine and roses and deciding the teenage years are all doom and gloom. the reality is that a lot of looking after babies and toddlers is relentless, by primary age they are more independent but still need a lot of looking after in practical ways. Teenage years are often when you begin to see the sort of future they’re carving out, the planning ahead for uni, work. Girlfriends and boyfriends come on the scene… obviously it isn’t all plain sailing but neither is any stage of childhood.

honestly, it’s not about ‘coping’, that’s quite a sad way to look at it, assuming it won’t be as nice for you as the early years. TBH much as I adored my children I was more than ready to leave the early years behind when mine became teenagers. And when they become adults it gets even better again.

I have found the teenage years the most challenging especially with my DD. Mine are 17 and 19. No one tells you how difficult it is! Atm I’m having trouble sleeping because I’m worrying about whether DD is doing enough revision to get the grades for Uni and whether DS will get a job when he leaves Uni! Never mind the fact that DD is having a gap year and keeps dreaming of new adventures like trekking alone that secretly give me anxiety!

My advice listen to everything they tell you now with great enthusiasm then they’re more likely to tell you stuff as teenagers. I regret not always having time for this. On the whole they are great though. Just not as cute as when they were little!

I agree with this ^^
I didn't feel that my entire and only purpose in life was to have children, and didn't want to feel that my identitiy was only to be a mother.

I love DD (who is now 25) to bits, but I don't miss the younger years. I just look back at them with nostalgia.

But it is a joy!!

They are not cute and innocent any more but this is more than compensated for by watching them blossom into the adult characters that they will become.

I have 3 adult children and nurturing them into their adult selves was a joy and a privilege

The teenage years have their challenges .... but no more than nappies and teething and sleepless nights and toddler tantrums. It is just different.

Please enjoy their developing personalities and interests and new relationship with you. Just keep telling them that you love them and trust them.

My DDs are 16 and 14, and i also really miss the adorable little people that they were in our photos. They are very different now - but not because they’re unpleasant teenagers — rather because their interests, personalities, and looks have all changed. For example, one DD is now much more confident, no longer a ‘tom boy’ , and playing elite women/girls sport.

So although i miss my babies, and primary school children, i gained fascinating teens. Who also need a lot of parenting.

But i wish i could tap back into their earlier years now and then. As a practical tip, I wish i took more videos.

Mine are 22 and 19. We are really close (relationship-wise, they've both been away/are away at uni over the last few years) and have so much fun and so many adventures together.

You need to enjoy each current moment and concentrate on how your children are growing and developing. Be interested in them and listen to them. Hankering after the early years won't help either of you. You'll remain sad that those days are gone and they'll be sad that they can't be who you want them to be.

Embrace the changes! Honestly, you'll enjoy the coming years so much more.

And if small children really are your cup of tea, volunteer with Beavers/Cubs/Rainbows/Brownies.

I’ve honestly enjoyed mine sprouting into teens. We have our moments of course, but on the whole I love watching them become individuals with opinions, sense of humour, it’s fun doing things with them rather than just looking after them if that makes sense. I definitely mourn all the stages and look back lovingly at my younger children, but the teen stage is pretty special too.

I completely get what you mean, OP.

Just in the last few weeks my 11yo has gone from cuddly, mum-obsessed child to independent preteen who will only cuddle me upon request and who doesn't want me calling him by his my pet name anymore 😂😭

I find myself wondering if he enjoyed his childhood enough and I do sometimes miss all of the previous "versions" of him

At the same time, I love how interested he is in doing more grown-up things and learning new skills - he even volunteered to take over cooking dinner the other night! He's also very witty and insightful - much more than I ever was as at that age. I'm excited to see who he becomes!

I think some parents go through a kind of grieving period at different points, and it's totally normal, as long as they are not trying to keep their child stuck in an earlier stage...!

Mine are 13 and 15, yes they were good fun when they were little but as tricky as the teen years are, they’re fabulous people. They like doing things with us, are more able for longer trips, later nights. We share tastes in movies, my DD loves theatre and gigs, they have great chat and I can see the adults they’ll become. They are just the best young people.

I absolutely adore DS now he’s 17. Well, I’ve obviously always adored him but the relationship is just so different now. Spending time together is so much easier because it’s doing stuff we both actually enjoy, he’s so funny, we can have great conversations. He’s such a joy, and watching him become a man is even more joyous.

I get it OP.

I didn’t love the toddler stage but I do miss them when they were cute and cuddly and wanted to spend all their time with you.

It’s normal for teens to pull away from you (apart from on Mumsnet where they are all amazing) they can be grumpy and sullen. They can also be selfish.

I loved holidays when they were 8-12. It’s a bit tricker these days but activity holidays still work well.

For us 15 was not a great age! But they are lovely again now at 16/17.

How to cope. Well my DH took it really badly. They used to play sport with him and didn’t want to do that anymore so I had to manage his upset too.

My tips - get more hobbies of your own. Choose your battles. Try and find a common ground with them - so music gigs are a good one for us now they are a little older. Don’t hold a grudge!

There are some really good books on this Lorraine Candy wrote one. I’ll to remember the name.

Mine are very similar ages and this is exactly how I feel. You’ve put it so eloquently.

Of course I feel nostalgic about when they were little, sure, but every day I revel in the wonderful people they are and their company is fabulous.

Of course things change as they get older. Each chapter is different, but it just gets more and more fabulous in my opinion.

I think this is really useful advice, especially about not holding a grudge.

When I was a preteen/teen and started pushing away, both my parents seemingly took it very personally. My mum has more or less held a grudge against me since I was about 13 and it's awful.

I loved the teen years, we were open house as closest to the school so house was awash with them. They used to have the conservatory as their space. I just left them to it. We had the post GCSE party at our house and had about 40 of them here, that was a bit of a night.

I always think it’s our job to equip them to be happy and make good choices when we are no longer here. One of my friends lives through her children and everything even now as teens and young adults is always about them. I worry she has lost her own sense of self sometimes.

t’s normal for teens to pull away from you (apart from on Mumsnet where they are all amazing) they can be grumpy and sullen. They can also be selfish.

I think you are missing the point! Those parents who are saying that watching their teens grow and develop into their adult selves was a pleasure are not saying the teens did not pull away from them - they are saying that they did and that this is what was so exciting and a privilege to be a part of helping them to do that.

A teen can be both amazing and pulling away from their parents, as is normal.

And grumpy, sullen and selfish also come into it of course! But absolutely no worse than the toddler years!

A teen can be both amazing and pulling away from their parents, as is normal.
And grumpy, sullen and selfish also come into it of course!

100%
The number of times I had to tell ds1 to put his face straight or that no one could ever mistake him for a ray of sunshine was unbelievable, especially around the age of 14, however they've got to go away to come back!!

Ds2 didn't realy pull back from us but ds1 left home at 17. We still saw him all the time, went out with him, celebrated family occasions, went hiking and did the sports we like etc.

Ds1 is 29 now and he phones most days ( as does ds2) and calls round loads. In fact he has just left. He just called in to say hello before he goes to meet his dad at his dad's workplace.
Im sure we see more of our two now than when they lived with us! 😆

The teen years are the ones i miss the most but them being adults is quite good as well!!

You make a very good point.
Babies grown into children, children grow into adults.

as a parent, you have to accept that growing up is natural, normal and they aren’t doing anything wrong by simply becoming older and changing! The worst thing as a parent is to resent their natural development and take it as some personal rejection. Or to just have another baby to try to re-live the earlier years again for your own satisfaction.

I know it’s an easy thing to say, but it really is all about accepting that when you have a baby, you are bringing a person into the world. Their baby years and childhood are really a small fraction of the long life you want them to live

You enjoy every second of them being two, then three etc instead of wishing their life away and wondering about the future. Live in the moment knowing it's fleeting.