Anyone else feeling sad as their children move into the teen years?

[Trekkinntremblin]

Anyone else feel sad that their preteen kids are through their proper childhood years and the next stages are teen and adulthood and all the seriousness and anguish that comes with that?

They even look so different, carry themselves differently, and no longer have the wide eyed innocence… it goes so incredibly quickly.

Luckily I also have a 2 year old so I get to experience it all again.

How do others cope?

A wise friend told me just to enjoy every life stage for what it is. And I really agree. My teens are epic , they have the odd moment of being very teenage but mostly I just feel so proud of them and love watching them develop

I started a tradition on their birthday eves of saying "I loved (eg) 9 year old you and I can't wait to get to know 10 year old you"

Yes there's a loss but there's also lots of new to gain.

Honestly I found it a blessed relief. I struggle with the middle bit, I feel like I don't suit the role of it and neither of us like it.

When they're little they really need you for everything and that's obvious and they are happy to accept that as the norm as well. So that's easy in terms of knowing where I stand. And they are very cute when they are fully dependent and you can fix everything easily which is also nice.

When they are 18+ they are adults and can make their own decisions and you can't tell them what to do any more, you can offer your own experience but it's ultimately their choice. This role starts to come in from about the mid teens and I enjoyed that a lot. When I could stop trying to cajole DS1 to eat and just say this is what we're having for dinner, but if you don't want it there's bread and pasta and whatever you want in the cupboard. When I could stop fighting him over homework and just say you know what, you do it or you don't, your teacher is going to be angry at you not me.

In between IME there's a lot of conflict because as the adult you know best and they don't but they want more autonomy than they really can handle. I don't like that! I don't like making people do things they don't want to do. I am not especially comfortable in that role. Children also don't like having someone tell them what to do even if they are ultimately happier with rules and structure than without it.

I won't lie and say the teen years have been plain sailing - he's 17 and currently battling school refusal (unfortunately we are abroad so he has to stay at school until 18) but although this is stressful because it seems a shame for him to throw away the easiest chance he'll ever get for this qualification, I am not worried about it. I think he will be ultimately fine. He doesn't seem depressed or burnt out. If he doesn't finish school he will find something else to do - if he had his own way he would alternate casual work and travelling, in fact I expect he will do exactly that once he turns 18. And that's no bad thing to do. I think he will be fine long term and I'm curious to see what he ends up doing. I find my younger two - 4 and 7 - more stressful in a way, because there is a lot of day to day cajoling and chivvying.

And yes it probably did help a bit that the year he turned 13 I had a newborn and a 3yo to relive the gorgeousness of the tiny days, so I don't feel like I'm losing him because I'm still in the thick of parenting a family.

But I hope it won't feel like losing him even when he does leave home, TBH. Or when the younger two get older.

I understand but I think it's really important to not let them know how you feel. Kids themselves can mourn their own loss of childhood too. I didn't, I was always trying to grow up and was probably precocious, so I suspect my parents felt it happened too quickly. My mum (in my recollection) seemed to really resent the new version of me and constantly talked about what we used to do and how I won't do it anymore. She would be gobsmacked if I said I didn't like something anymore and start an argument 'but you used to love xx', why don't you like it, you are just being awkward now etc. Sometimes it was ridiculous because she would be referencing something very childish and it would have been more concerning if i was still into it. Her negative attitude really caused a resentment in my preteen and early teen years and I got in the habit of never confiding in her. I suspect there are two sides and I was more difficult than i recall, but the feelings of being resented for changing stayed with me.

The best things that have helped me is respecting their interests and supporting them
Eg. DD is a dancer /actor so I help her practice her scripts and get ready for shows and this means we still spend meaningful time together
And DS has a deep interest in astronomy so even though it is not what i had been interested in I have read books and listened to podcasts and we go to lectures together and chat about it

Taxiing them (and their friends) around is another way to be in their lives and get a sense of who they are and who they are becoming .

And I make sure they feel comfortable to bring friends to our house to hang out or for sleepovers, so they congregate here quite a bit of the time rather than vanishing

Oh I’m so sorry. It really has been the thing that has been the most helpful for me. I’ve had to work really hard
on it. But they move on from any disagreements so quickly.

Their brains are not fully developed so I do let some things go. As long as I know deep down they are good kids (they are) they go to school, have good friends etc. For ages DH said I had a low bar 🙄. But he’s come to agree with me on this.

Oh and let them make mistakes/fail. I think we try and get involved too much. I have become a very chilled parent after being slightly shouty in their younger years. Obviously have boundaries.

And try and look at the positives-
more time for yourself. I get out more in the evenings. Can disappear off overnight now without any issues.

I still miss the cuteness but trying to focus on the positives has helped.

And yes be the sleepover house after parties. I love nothing more than seeing a pile of teenage trainers by my door!

@crossedlines makes some very good points. I thoroughly enjoyed most stages in my DC’s development as there’s something new to discover all the time. Toddler ages were so cute but also really demanding so I wouldn’t wish myself back there again. Nor the 13/14 year old boy stage, that was challenging.
But DS20 is an absolute joy and funny, smart and independent. We’ve always been close and had great conversations but now he’s at Uni I’m so proud of the man he is. And that I kept him alive to adulthood!
DD14 has always been adorable and spirited but last year was so difficult for her. This year she’s matured so much and we’re closer than ever. Our relationship has changed and I’m regularly surprised and pleased with how wise she’s becoming. I try not to intervene too much so she can learn from mistakes and it seems that she’s doing this well. Although she still tries to rinse me every time we go shopping, that hasn’t changed.
Being there for them without being overprotective seems to be the best way to stay connected to them, so hopefully that will see us through the rest of the teen years.

This is the transition I am trying to make. I was quite a controlling and shouty parent when they were younger; that probably sounds bad but I don’t have regrets, I think it’s formed strong boundaries and expectations as well as respect, however, I recognise I need to start letting them make decisions and mistakes, they need to forge their own path, they need to do things because they have decided they should and/or want to, not because I expect them to.

Things like having more control over gaming time, how they chip into the house support wise, money management, homework schedules, it’s been an adjustment for me as I’m a micromanaging parent by nature 😂

No because my whole identity isn’t being a parent

When DD was at school I would come home from work to see extra pairs of trainers by the door and rejoice. DD was bullied at school and I was pleased that she had some friends to support her.

Yes it’s such a hard transition. Especially homework! But they do need to figure it out for themselves. During GCSEs I just hovered around on the background supplying food..

Sorry to hear your DD was being bullied - heartbreaking. But pleased she had friends to support her. Friends are key at this stage I feel as they pull away from us.

The joy of the shoe pile!

Already posted but just want to add there is for me a joy of having less to do and leaving the house alone. I feel excited and positive again for the first time in forever. Also I don't have to constantly coordinate with DH about everything, there is no race to the family calendar. If we clash, so what. He is away for the weekend and I am meeting friends for lunch tomorrow, no big deal. We are going to a day festival in the Summer to see a band we always loved, no babysitting needed. These little freedoms compensate for a lot. Truthfully sometimes I love if DC are ignoring me on their screens cos I get to do the same. I've started watching lots of good TV again. I lie in when I want. Didn't get up til 10 this morning. I've reconnected with a lot of friends at similar stages and my social life is busy again. I sometimes miss the young days but I work with little kids so I get my fill of cuteness. I don't envy the parents who are often exhausted and stressed, I remember those days. I dreaded the teen phase at first but am enjoying it now. I'm lucky there have been no major behaviour or MH issues, that's when life gets incredibly difficult and I hope and pray things stay as they are for us.

I get this , their lives are more complicated and also you are just an observer / guider. Both my teens are very independent and absolutely love their friends , work life etc I hardly see them at the weekends. We all get on and I think they are great don’t get me wrong but I completely get you OP it’s bitter sweet ❤️💔

Yeah you do, but there is more magic to come. Mine are now 29, 25 & 15. The adults they are & are becoming are so amazing. I’m beyond proud of each & every one. I do see old photos & think “aww, weren’t they cute” but I wouldn’t go back there. DS1 & DD are autistic and as absolutely amazing as they are it’s not been an easy run.

DS1 (29) and DS2 (25) both work full time in good jobs. DD (15) is estimated 9s in her GCSEs & wants to do medicine at uni. This from a mum who didn’t finish 4th year (year 10) due to what is apparent now as undiagnosed autism.

So yes, there’s a little sadness for the younger years to be over, but more than that intense pride in the adults I have created.

I’m the opposite, I find it so interesting how they develop and their thoughts on things nowadays, their friends. I feel excited about these years and them becoming young adults and all the things they’ll have the opportunity to do. I love chatting with them (when they’re in a chatty mood.) Onviously it’s hard when they are being difficult teens and I do find you need more emotional energy to parent but on balance I prefer it.

I do look back at old photos and love seeing them as they were then but I also remember how hard it was rushing back from work to see them and spending two hours on bath/bedtime before gettting our dinner. It was tiring. Now we can all eat as a family because they can wait till a bit later. We can go to a restaurant or on holiday and it’s fun rather than stressful.

I guess a lot of it is your personality and what you enjoy but they are such fun and fascinating these days. I look back with joy (and a little bit of relief that those days and the hard work they entailed are over) but forward with excitement. And I’m unendingly grateful that they are growing up, some people’s children sadly don’t get to. I always think that piece of proportion is helpful.

The passing of time is sad. We can’t get back any of the moments or phases we’ve gone through and it all goes so fast. I frequently feel sad about this sort of stuff but it is fleeting and then I bring myself back to the present moment and try to appreciate all it has to offer. I miss my DCs as toddlers and little school children. But I really enjoy their company as young adults and I enjoy having more of my own life back too.

I have a 15 year old and an 8 year old, I definitely did feel a little sad as my oldest entered her teen years and get a twinge of it when I look back at old pictures but as I still have a little child I'm not so sad (I expect I will feel much sadder when my youngest grows up, I already miss him as a toddler) but also the teen years are brilliant in their own way. Its so cool seeing the ways that DD is like me as she's grown up and also the ways she's different. She's old enough now to introduce her to things like Monty Python and Airplane so we can have such a laugh together, and X Files. We've made plans to go interrailing round Europe together when she's graduated high school. But its bittersweet, she has one more year of comprehensive school then she'll be moving away to go to high school in the city and I'll miss her so much but we always knew when we become parents that eventually our children will grow up and leave us.

This is so sad to hear and it’s actually a really good flag. I suppose for some parents, parenting is more about them. For others, it’s more about their children.

I feel like this about my kids. But still feel nostalgic when I look at photos of when they were little. It just goes so fast. But agreed every stage is a privilege 😊

Not at all! My dc are 14 and 13 and I'm enjoying our time together hugely. Teenagers are a lot of fun. They don't need so much supervision, and there's something joyful about watching them make plans for the life they want to have.