Driving lessons, when to call it a day?

[Sprinkleofspice]

Had a crap lesson today and just need to vent, I need either validation or encouragement I think but don’t know which one.

I’m an adult learner, failed two tests and been learning for 3 or 4 years with a few breaks between instructors (now doing automatic). I failed a mock test today with serious marks for hesitation at roundabouts and the whole thing is just miserable. I find it really stressful which is why I didn’t learn as a teenager and it’s so embarrassing that I’m still crap after all this time and hundreds of roundabouts. I’ve spent all the money I saved for learning and to buy a car, so I can’t afford a car to practise in because lessons are so expensive, and I’m now doing special therapy to try to get over the stress/anxiety I feel in lessons and tbh I can’t really afford that either.

My friends say maybe it’s just not for me, but I’m the only person I know who can’t do it and I want the freedom, I want to move to the countryside and I want to go to places that aren’t next to a train station. My boyfriend says it’s unfair he does all the driving, and how would I get my future children to hospital in an emergency without driving, which stresses me out.
I just can’t work out where people are going at roundabouts after all this time and it makes me feel so stupid even though I know I’m not - I got full marks in the theory test.

I nearly cried on the way back from the mock test. I have a real test booked for 6 weeks and if I fail I just want to give up. But I feel like if I stop or take a break I will never take it back up again. I thought doing something scary every week would make it less scary but it’s just getting me so down forcing myself to do it and I don’t know what to do about it.

Any pearls of wisdom? I’m not usually this miserable but after today my confidence is very low so please not too harsh :(

I would definitely keep on going. I passed my test at 19 on the 4th attempt. I always say it was the exam I was most thrilled to pass (for context I have a 1st class degree).
It can be life changing. When I lived in London I could do without driving but when we moved to the countryside with 3 children I needed to drive to get them to school and have a life. Such was it’s importance that I in fact had to redo my test due to a relocation to Europe and although not easy persisted because my life would have been unrecognisable without having a car.
2 is not many too fail. Keep trying. It’s worth it. Good luck.
For what it’s worth I still struggle to parallel park but have passed 2 tests 🤪

I’m an instructor. This is going to sound odd but if it’s finding a gap you’re finding difficult have you tried watching a roundabout by the side of the road? Obviously go through the theory side of it first and then watch. You’ll find patterns without the pressure of being behind the wheel.

Another thing I try is swapping over. You tell your instructor when to go when they are driving. Again it’s a decision without pressure.

Reflect on your feelings during approaching a roundabout. If there’s hesitation what’s behind it? Could be a lack of confidence in your ability to pull away fast which needs working on as a related skill, it could be more emotional than that. If you can work on what’s causing that issue you’re well on the way to solving it.

Personally I say keep going. You don’t fail until you’ve given up, not passing a test is just another practice on the way to that success. Think about the freedom it will bring.

Keep going! I was the worst learner driver to get behind a wheel, once I finally passed I was exactly the same as everyone who passed first time. I’ve got loads of friends who won’t drive in London / on motorways / at night etc, I’m more confident than all of them. Non drivers don’t realise how liberating being able to drive is, don’t give up!

OP I just wanted to say you're not the only one to find it hard. I'm in my 40s and can't drive. I have three friends of the same age who are the same. I also have a couple of friends who have licenses but haven't driven for many years as it makes them so anxious. I know that doesn't answer your question as to whether to keep going or not, but I hope it makes you feel less down about yourself.

FWIW - I, and all the people I mentioned above, have children. My partner does drive but in a medical emergency if necessary I'd call an ambulance.

Try watching driving lesson videos on YouTube. They can be really helpful.

I too thought roundabouts were tricky when I was learning to drive.
Can you ask your instructor for extra practice with roundabouts?

Some thoughts from many years as a driving instructor.

Would you feel comfortable as a passenger knowing when the driver can go? Or less obviously, do you feel uncomfortable when other drivers go onto busy roundabouts when you're a passenger?

Do you find yourself realising you could have gone just as the gap is no longer available?

If you are waiting at busy roundabout with lots of traffic coming from the exit to your immediate right where would you spend most of your time looking?

These questions are aimed at getting a feeling for the nuance of your difficulties. Very often the problem isn't quite what people think, it's usually less of an issue with comprehension of the roundabout flow, and more of a trust issue

Edited to add I see bozzabollix is thinking along similar lines to me. Basically if you understand roundabouts when you aren't driving, the one problem you don't have is understanding when to go.

Just keep trying, but don't feel pressured, plenty of people don't drive and manage. If you're feeling this stressed now and need Therapy then imagine when you're on your own driving, this is the hardest part so only do short trips at first to become more confident.

Driving these days is indeed stressful, so much traffic, having to be alert constantly, so if you're not comfortable you really don't need to prove yourself. Xx

The people who sail through their tests aren't always the best drivers. While being hesitant isn't great, you might well end up being safer than a lot of people on the roads. Who knows, we might have self-driving cars in the next few years, which would please me as a parent (I hope my kids will be sensible when they're old enough to drive, but the friends they get lifts with/other drivers on the road might not be-and those dangerous drivers aren't usually hesitant).

Have you tried other instructors? Sometimes a personality clash can add to a stressful situation.

Is there anyone who is willing to take you out for practice sessions? Practicing regularly in a low pressure environment would help build your confidence in driving.

Learning to drive is tricky, OP, especially when you're not very confident and/or anxious. Some roundabouts are awful to drive around, even when you've qualified, especially if they are the kind with around five different lanes and you're not quite sure if you're in the right one or not! Throw in the fact that some qualified drivers don't seem to think that using indicators would be helpful, or that it's perfectly acceptable to do a U-turn wherever they like, and yes, it's hard work. Oh, and some driving lessons involve places that you have never been to, and never intend to go to ever again once you've qualified!

I was a very anxious learner. I went through two instructors, countless lessons, and four driving tests before I eventually passed in my early/mid-twenties. It was one of the hardest things that I learnt to do, but I'm glad that I did, as I live rurally and public transport is an interesting concept, so driving is a necessity here.

Sometimes passing the practical is just the luck of who you get as examiner, driving conditions that day, route you're asked to take. My first exam, I was failed on a repeated minor, instructor said he was ex-lorry driver so was particular about that one thing. Second examiner could not be more chilled, put his seat right back, actually helped me out with one of the roundabouts -I think he was already decided I would be a pass. I wouldn't overthink the exam part. Also, I had terrible anxiety in my lessons working up to the test, I did not do my best driving in those lessons. Think my instructor was shocked I passed as my anxiety was so bad. I agree with others, work on understanding roundabout theory. Once you have passed, you'll not worry how long it took.

@Sprinkleofspice what is your processing like in general? Do you make decisions quickly? Can you take in lots of information and then decide what the right thing to do is, or do you need to ponder and make decisions thoughtfully?

Roundabouts are tricky because you have lots of visual information and your brain needs to process all the information, filter out what is unimportant, then order what is important into priorities.

Processing speed matters because if you see a gap, think 'hmmm...I could probably get out now...' then get yourself ready to go, the gap is gone.

You need to be looking at the traffic and thinking 'when that car is coming off the roundabout, that car will only just have joined so I can go', get ready, then as soon as the car that is leaving the roundabout has fully passed you, go.

I think I'd suggest practicing on big roundabouts with lots of lanes and traffic lights first. Get really confident at moving off as soon as the light turns green. Watch for the pattern of the lights so you anticipate when it will be your turn (it's the same skill as finding a gap). Get confident at reading your road signs and marrying them up with the paint on the tarmac. Practice changing lane.

Then, once you've done that, move on to big roundabouts with no lights. Then smaller roundabouts. Leave mini roundabouts until last because you have much less time to get out between cars and the roundabout doesn't create gaps in the same way as travelling around a bigger one does.

Change your instructor. The amount of pupils I get who have been trying for 2+ years and pass within 5-6 months with me. Sorry to say it but there's good and bad instructors and some are happy to keep taking your money as long as they can rather than getting you to your test. Bizarre as it sounds recently in our area an instructor started up 8 months ago and was just arrested last week for actually having no license or qualifications. I gained several of his pupils who intend on taking him to court to try and re coup the block booking money. But yes try changing

Keep going
💪

My first instructor had a laminated sheet with an image of a roundabout on it and some little toy cars to demonstrate what i should be looking out for, like when a car from opposite is approaching the side i need to give way to as a ‘blocker’. Therefore if i can see that the car is about to blocked from entering the roundabout, i can see it as my opportunity to go.

Keep going op, i took 6 times x

I 'm in my 40s and passed just a year ago. I suffer anxiety and had lessons where I ended up in tears. I tried in my 20s and again in my 30s. It was only going automatic and having the right instructor that got me there.e was brilliant and he
never made me feel like an idiot even when I had a bad lesson. However I still hate busy roundabouts even now. Luckily I live in very rural Wales and there are hardly any here. Still not a confident driver but getting better.
You can do it.

Driving isn't for everyone. My friend passed on her 5th attempt but has never had the nerve to actually drive again. Another friend has spatial awareness issues and my heart sank when she said she was going to start taking lessons again. In the end she decided against it and it was the right choice.

Keep going, I passed on my 4th attempt, and I wasn’t a nervous driver.

I know it's hard now, but if you can keep going, it'll be worth it long-term. Even now, I find roundabouts/some situations confusing, but I can take my time now to do them safely or I just go around if I'm now sure I'm in the right lane and don't want to cut others up.

It took me three goes, I've used it in two jobs, just for the fun of going out, sharing long drives, giving DD a lift, flexibility of chosing airports when we've occasionally gone abroad. I start work early on a Sunday morning and there's no public transport. Currently DH is unable to drive due to a brain injury - I don't how we'd have got him to medical appointments at a specialist hospital if I couldn't drive. My cat has also had to see a specialist, don't think he'd have appreciated three bus journeys to get there. We've got a shared hobby that we're both really passionate about, takes us out of our county to some places that'd be totally inaccessible by care sometimes. We need some items for home improvements/essential repairs, I can go and get them. What I'm saying, it can enrich your life as well as making it easier.

It took DD four goes and her boyfriend five. He's a brilliant driver, she's really good.

I do have a friend who has tried for years and just couldn’t pass. She then did try automatic but again still couldn’t pass.I would take a break and have the therapy sessions you are having to deal with the anxieties and then try automatic. I think like everything else in life some people can and some can’t do certain things.

i failed five tests at 18 and my parents said there was no more money to carry on. Coincidentally, I moved to London not long after, and didn’t need to drive. I’ve moved back to the Shires and whilst I manage ok around town by walking, cycling or taking a bus, sometimes I wish I could drive to certain places locally that are out of reach. I might learn, but only an automatic licence, because I’m not great at it (been in a car recently with my brother for practice and I can’t get the basics right). Even then if I pass it would be a miracle. Some people are not natural drivers.

Thank you everyone for your support ❤️. I feel a bit better about things this morning. But I think if I decide to either not do the test in 6 weeks or I don’t pass then I will change instructor. He’s patient and nice but very quiet which can be awkward, and we’ve done loads of roundabouts over the year I’ve been with him. The waiting lists for instructors are very long here so it will give me a bit of a break and time to save up/continue with the therapy if needed. I will reply to some individual posters a bit later because there are some interesting questions

I passed at 23 on my 5th test after a few years of lessons , had a handful of different instructors and I actually changed test centre for my 5th test , it was actually the worst test i felt out of all the tests I had done previously but the woman was very kind and a chatted to me a lot and realised I think that I was just very nervous and wasn’t going to go out racing around recklessly. Keep trying! , over the years I have met lots of people that haven’t passed until 4th or 5th time

Keep on going.
I was 29 when I passed my test. I was absolutely awful at learning to drive, to the point where my driving instructor literally used to put her head in her hands and scream with frustration (obviously I left her and went with someone else).

I never, ever thought I would pass. I’m really bad at most things, but I got there after a few years of driving on and off. I also failed my test 3 times.

Could it be that you have lessons at a certain time of the day that doesn’t suit you? All my lessons were in the middle of the day and I was doing everything wrong, then one day my driving instructor asked if I could do the morning instead. He was gobsmacked at the difference. I could drive perfectly fine in the Morning, but obviously worked myself up throughout the day which resulted in awful lessons. Might not be anything like this for you, but just a thought.