Driving lessons, when to call it a day?

[Sprinkleofspice]

Had a crap lesson today and just need to vent, I need either validation or encouragement I think but don’t know which one.

I’m an adult learner, failed two tests and been learning for 3 or 4 years with a few breaks between instructors (now doing automatic). I failed a mock test today with serious marks for hesitation at roundabouts and the whole thing is just miserable. I find it really stressful which is why I didn’t learn as a teenager and it’s so embarrassing that I’m still crap after all this time and hundreds of roundabouts. I’ve spent all the money I saved for learning and to buy a car, so I can’t afford a car to practise in because lessons are so expensive, and I’m now doing special therapy to try to get over the stress/anxiety I feel in lessons and tbh I can’t really afford that either.

My friends say maybe it’s just not for me, but I’m the only person I know who can’t do it and I want the freedom, I want to move to the countryside and I want to go to places that aren’t next to a train station. My boyfriend says it’s unfair he does all the driving, and how would I get my future children to hospital in an emergency without driving, which stresses me out.
I just can’t work out where people are going at roundabouts after all this time and it makes me feel so stupid even though I know I’m not - I got full marks in the theory test.

I nearly cried on the way back from the mock test. I have a real test booked for 6 weeks and if I fail I just want to give up. But I feel like if I stop or take a break I will never take it back up again. I thought doing something scary every week would make it less scary but it’s just getting me so down forcing myself to do it and I don’t know what to do about it.

Any pearls of wisdom? I’m not usually this miserable but after today my confidence is very low so please not too harsh :(

Think how good you'll feel when you pass. You can do this. You're paying the instructor. They may think that because you are anxious not talking much is better for you. Perhaps what you actually need is calm commentary. If you can relax enough to talk things through that might help?

I do think there's something of a lack of patience in driving when it's busy these days, moreso than when I learned over 30 years ago. Obviously you need to know when to go, but also it can take time for there to be a suitable gap in traffic to join a roundabout, turn right, etc. and I think worrying about how long it's taking can add to your stress.

Keep going. Acknowledge that it is a really tough skill to master.

It took me quite a while - and I had to stop and start due to running out of money (and failing tests). I hated the expense and am still not keen on driving.

Without it though, I would have had real difficulties in certain jobs and situations and not have been able to do many important things in my life.

So, it is worth it (said grudgingly)

I've tried so many times and failed an automatic test twice. I just can't get my head round it. I'm convinced I'm dyspraxic which doesn't help. I've given up. However I've recently started worrying that if something happened to my husband I'd be screwed as we live in a small town with not great public transport.

I passed on my 6th test at 29. I had a huge problem with nerves during the tests, which made me drive much worse than iI did in my lessons.

For me it's been life changing - don't give up yet OP!

These are interesting questions 🙂
I feel fairly confident knowing when another driver could go. If they just confidently pull out I would assume they know what they’re doing. But I think it would be different if I was telling them when to go because I’d want to be sure I was right.

Yes, I see a gap but then double check that it’s actually safe before going, by which time the gap has gone and I need to work out again where people are going.

I would look at the edge of the roundabout to see if any cars are about to drive in front of them. My instructor has explained about blockers, but the cars on the right stop and then I can’t work out if the blocker is coming off or going round until it’s too late to go. It’s like the more I look the less I understand where anyone is going.

Not sure if any of these answers point to anything. The therapist seems to think if I was less stressed about driving in general (which might come from my terrible first lesson with my mum which put me off for 15 years) that I would be able to think more clearly and have more confidence. But I’ve done so many roundabouts and when it’s big or busy I just don’t “get” where everyone is going

Ok, you're in good shape here. You do understand the flow on roundabouts well enough and what is going to create a space by the sounds of it, but it is a trust thing - not trusting yourself enough and/or not trusting the other driver to be going where you think.

So with the blocking cars I'm guessing you feel you need to wait until they are pretty much half off the roundabout until you are sure where they are going by which time there's often another car you have to give way to?

What you need to get used to (and this is in some ways actually harder in an auto as pinpoint speed control is more awkward) is that you can start to go and change your mind. So as soon as you see the blocker starting to move slightly away from the roundabout island, relax the brake and start to creep slightly, double check the car is continuing to move away from the island (confirming your decision), bit of right foot and away you go. If it doesn't look right, foot back down on the brake and wait.

I think it was linford Christie years ago who talking about sprint starts said you had to go on the b of bang. You are currently waiting for the whole bang, but can get around that by knowing that the very first sign you are looking for is the slight movement away from the roundabout and that there's a moment when you can change your mind.

Whatever you do, don't wait for indicators - they are not the most useful sign of intent at roundabouts, use the speed and position of cars instead.

Your boyfriend isn't nice saying that. I'm sure you can do something he can't. We can't all be good at everything. Plenty of people have managed without a car with children.
Driving isn't for everyone.

Hypnotherapy might help - I know it has for people I know who were essentially perfectly good at the mechanics of driving but just quite anxious.

My dd1 recently passed her test...4th attempt in an automatic..she's 34.
I never thought she'd drive...she was a nervous passenger let alone driver, has adhd and is on the autistic spectrum and highly anxious.
But NEEDED to drive as her surgery (she's a GP) was not on a bus route and taxis were unreliable and expensive...and she still has to do home visits!

Finding an instructor who specialised in nervous drivers was the game changer. She had many hours with a very friendly and patient instructor. Still took her 4 attempts but she didn't give up...and now 6 months later, she LOVES it. Only drives locally for now but her life is so much easier.

Don't give up!

I wouldn’t have the future children that might need to go to hospital in an emergency with the boyfriend who puts unreasonable pressure and stress on you.

Don't stop, you got this far. My daughter practised in my car and that really helped, we bought her insurance by the hour or day. Could you afford to buy one days insurance and ask someone calm to take you somewhere quiet to practise. Also watch YouTube videos explaining the roundabouts. They can be confusing. I was terrified of driving, been driving for twenty years now. You can do it. You need to learn which you get through the test, then you'll learn lots driving by yourself at your pace. Ask your boyfriend or friend to drive you around roundabouts and explain what they're doing. Most people don't pass first time. Good luck

Keep going! Watch YouTube videos about approaching roundabouts so you can continue to learn but outside of a pressured environment.
It took me quite a while to get my head around driving and there were many points that I thought maybe driving wasn’t for me.
By some miracle I passed on the second try but I don’t feel like I became a good driver until a few months AFTER I’d passed.
Now I’m a competent, confident driver and love it! I have friends who passed on the first try who are scared of driving and can only drive locally.

You’ll get there! Good luck! xx

Keep going, I had my first lessons age 21, had 2 instructors & then stopped learning after 2 years before starting again age 31, it took me 5 tests to pass age 33. My top tips is get loads of practice outside your lessons if you can, I bought a cheap car & my dad took me out practicing every weekend & often met me from work so I could drive in rush hour traffic, I also took my test in my own car which saved me loads of money as my dad took me instead of the instructor. Look up the test routes for the test centre you are using, often you can find videos on YouTube of the routes & potential hazards.

Hi Op,

The thing with driving is the learning can be so stressful and challenging but once you've passed that's it and it's all behind you. My brother took 5 attempts but now everyone has forgotten that. I appreciate for some people the nerves will remain but it really is a case of building up the hours of experience on the roads.

Which follows on to how ideally you would be practicing without an instructor so it can become a daily routine. I get your point about using up the savings to buy a car, but can't you be insured on your husbands? It doesn't usually cost much to add a learner to the insurance. If you can start driving every day you'll really clock up the hours.

I always remembered my driving instructors description of a roundabout. Imagine you are in the car coming up to a roundabout. Picture it like you are facing a clock and standing at 6pm. Left lane if you want to head between 6pm to 12. Right lane for 1am to 6.
Would it help to think of it like that? So if someone is coming towards you in the left lane they will be trying to come off within the next half of the roundabout. I doubt I explained it as well as he did and it helps to have a diagram...

My son has dyspraxia and finds roundabouts hard. We changed instructors and the new one told him to get a coffee and sit near a roundabout and just watch. So we did. We chatted about when it was safe to go and when it wasn't. His dad also took him to alot of roundabouts and practiced. Is there anyone you can practice with outside of lessons?
He took 2 solid years of lessons but passed first time.
I wouldn't take a test unless you are confident of passing. It won't make you feel any better if you fail. Can you defer, change instructor, practice and then take it?
Good luck...keep going!

I have shared my experience many times on here. It took me 8 years and five instructors in three different cities to pass my test. I was told by several instructors that I would never be able to drive. I eventually found an instructor who would not give up on me. I passed when I was 38 weeks pregnant. That baby is nearly 17 now.

Don't give up. If I can do it, anyone can. Don't let anyone else stress you out. I know it does not feel like it now, but you will get there.

Keep going, you’ve only taken two tests. I have a colleague who gave up after nine tests, and she may have a point, but I think about half of people fail their first test anyway. As an experienced driver I see other drivers every day who have no idea what they’re doing at a roundabout, and they somehow passed their test.

Another one to say KEEP GOING.

You’ve built up a ‘thing’ about it in your head. It’s quite a normal reaction to stress.

I think @bozzabollix has some great advice.

Next few lessons do a LOT of roundabouts, over and over again. You need to face your fear, because you can do it!!

I passed at 41.If I can do it anyone can.I passed third time and im so glad I did it.

Thank you everyone, this is all very encouraging 😊.

I will go and watch one of the roundabouts near me for a bit, unfortunately there are only two close by so I know these ones well but I think it will help to just watch. I’ve done lots of roundabouts over the last year, in some lessons we do at least 20. I can’t remember if I said upthread but I have my third test booked for three weeks’ time and I think I’m going to move it because it’s unlikely that roundabouts will “click” in the next three weeks if they haven’t by now. And if I passed by some sort of fluke I wouldn’t be comfortable driving them on my own and obviously that’s the goal.

Regarding the practising, I don’t know anyone with an automatic car to borrow unfortunately. I had a manual car for a bit when I was doing manual lessons but my friends live 30+ minutes away so we couldn’t just randomly hop in the car. The 2.5 hr lessons are £100 which is about average here and the EMDR therapy is £75 so I just can’t afford a car and insurance on top of this ☹️.

But I think I’m still keen to change instructor and that will save £400 a month for a while because the waiting lists are so long. My current one is calm which is partly what I need and automatic is way easier, but my confidence has waned, progress has stalled and his way of doing manoeuvres has always made less sense to me than the manual instructor (who was also a bit more chatty and fun)

For the driving instructors on here -
when you do your test does the assessor know how many times you have failed it previously?

Also this is very random (TW for potential cancer) but I found a lump in my breast at the weekend, I have a GP appointment this week and I’m trying to be as positive as possible thinking it’s just a cyst etc. But I don’t think I’ll do my best driving over the next week or two so it’s not very good timing for test prep. I think I’m just writing it here to justify to myself even more that postponing the test is best!

Not RTFT.

Yes, I see a gap but then double check that it’s actually safe before going, by which time the gap has gone and I need to work out again where people are going.
You anticipate the gap before it happens so as soon as the gap is there you're in it. (A bit like when you have stopped at the lights, as soon as it goes to red+amber you know that it's about to turn green, so you're moving the instant it turns green.)

Take the test. If you fail, get a different instructor, one who makes you feel at ease, and get some practice.

I had eleventy-one-thousand lessons with a horrible shouty instructor, then 6 with a brilliant one.

People generally say keep going, forever, and I understand why but I think lots of factors play into that decision. I gave up after failing my 3rd test 20 years ago in my early 20’s. My capacity, time and money situations all changed significantly. I’ve been able to get around using my legs, public transport, the very occasional taxi and in the car with my husband if we’re doing something together. I don’t feel it’s held me back significantly personally. It depends on the individual and their circumstances.

Do you watch mock tests on youtube? Conquer driving is one, he does great videos on maneuvers and roundabouts and mock tests