Bereavement and friends AWOL

[Feelingabitsorry]

Name change for privacy.

I'm feeling a little bit glum and sorry for myself. And quite lonely and isolated.

I have recently had a very close bereavement and it has been a hell of a month since they died. My very closest two friends (who live a long way from me) have been great and there at the end of the phone, I'm so lucky to have them. Yet my local friends have been completely absent.

Before the death I asked two friends (separately) if they wanted to go to an event together. One after the other - a few days apart. They don't know each other at all - and I sent the invitation to one, and then after a few days of silence thought I'd try another friend.

They both read the message and haven't replied since (six weeks ago). I feel so horribly lonely and disappointed that two people I thought were very good friends have simple vanished. They don't know about the bereavement. They simply haven't replied to my invitation to go out and there has been no communication since. My invitation just sitting there, read with no response.

Usually I see these friends (separately as outlined above), about once a month. Perhaps things are happening in their life's too - but usually there is a little chat, shared jokes, sharing and plans made to meet.

I feel so alone, and whilst I'm grappling with grief I'm also so confused as to why I've been left 'on read', and how now I find myself without any real local friends.

These are long standing friendships. There have been no fallings out, or awkward meet ups, I can't think I have upset them (I've racked my brians) - I'm easy going and try to be fun and kind as a friend. Previous chat has been light and kind. Previous meet ups all fun and easy going. I'm at a loss and down. I've been there for my friends so many times - and now here I am, alone, with no explanation. They absolutely won't know about the bereavement so it's certainly not that they don't know what to say etc.

Not sure what I'm asking others on Mumsnet for really... I just don't know how to handle the pain of grief alongside the pain of seemingly losing friends with no explanation.

Can you reach out again and tell them what has happened. Sometimes if we need people I think it’s best to say. Can you call? I find my friends can be busy at times but do get back in touch when life is calmer. Could you consider making more friends locally when you’re feeling ready. Sorry for your loss.

Yes I could reach out, but I also noticed that I'd sent a couple of messages before the invite too that had gone unanswered. So feel a bit like maybe I've miss3d a big old hint.

Yes you are right I need to make some more friends locally. Would love some advice on how to do this. I'm 40 with school age children.

You may also want to consider getting support to help with your grief. There maybe bereavement cafes in your area or walk and talk with others who have also been bereaved. Could be a way of getting to know more people who understand what you are going through.

That's a good idea and I hadn't thought of that.

I think I'm knocked sideways by the death, but then also a realisation that I'm not so important to the friends who held an important place in my life. It all hurts.

I'm frustrated too, as I wouldn't leave a friend 'on read' who has asked direct questions for such a long time! Days and maybe even a couple of weeks - sure live is busy. But nearly six weeks!

Well I guess I brush myself off, cope with my grief and then when life is a little steadier getvout and meet some new people.

I am very sorry for your loss and the additional hurt your friends have caused which is an additional (albeit different) loss for you. I can understand why you are feeling the way that you are. It isn't necessarily anything about you, sometimes people are just like this. Try not to let it corrode your sense of self. Grief will be making it all feel even more intense right now.

Since you're feeling isolated and hurting, are there places you can go for chunks of time where other people will be around even if you're not necessarily interacting? Sometimes that can take the edge off, as can even little interactions with staff in shops or libraries or similar places.

It doesn't fix the bigger picture, but it is one valid coping strategy you could consider adding into your repertoire and it may help mitigate against your world shrinking too much in response to this.

I’m sorry for all you’re going through. Sometimes in life it feels as if a few things all go horribly wrong at once e, I’ve had a couple of friends go cold on me after years of nice meet-ups, but both for different reasons. Added to what you’re going through..it must be isolating.
Maybe reach out to the friend you feel is the kindest of them, and say how you’re feeling. Just an idea.
Sending hugs x

Usually I see these friends (separately as outlined above), about once a month. Perhaps things are happening in their life's too - but usually there is a little chat, shared jokes, sharing and plans made to meet.
They don't know about the bereavement

so if they don’t know about the bereavement and you don’t know what’s going on with them , how do you know they don’t have awful things happening to them?

Thank you - yes that is good advice. I'll run some errands today to try and keep my mind busy. And a little small talk would be good.

Thank you - it feels odd doesn't it when people go unexpectedly silent/cold.

I will think about reaching out. I'm a little apprehensive that if they don't reply - in my current state it will hurt more than it should.

Yes I've considered this. One has a very vibrant life that she updates on every few days via Instagram. The tone and activity hasn't changed. Lots of time with other friends too (which I'm not jealous of or begrudge in anyway it's right we all have various connections and friends).

My other friend, we first connected professionally and her LinkedIn is as active as ever. Now this could be masking all sorts of personal things of course. But at present I don't think I'm strong enough to send another message and have it ignored a third time.

To add I don't keep checking in on these - I'm not a massive user of social media - I just notice when I check my socials and thought it adds some nuance to my feeling I've been quietly dropped.

I think I will also try to find time amongst all of the hectic administration of death and emotional toil to visit my old friends - or at least get dates in the diary for later in the summer. Something to look forward to.

First, I’m very sorry for your loss. 💐

I do think you’re massively overreacting to a couple of unanswered text messages, probably because you’re grieving — you seem to assuming you’re being dropped rather than what is just as likely, that two busy people saw your invitation, thought ‘Oh, better check my diary’ and then forgot to reply as lots of other active chats pushed it down their phone screen. I know it’s happened to me more than once.

Conversely, if you value these friends and their presence in your life, as you say you do, tell them about your bereavement. Give them the opportunity to be supportive, as you’ve been for them. Don’t punish them for a couple of missed messages.

If I found a good friend chose to conceal from me that they had been immediately bereaved, while I would obviously respect that decision and recognise that peiole grieve differently, I would condole but assume that for whatever reason they didn’t want to hear from me, and wait for them to get in touch at some later point, thinking I was either less of a close friend than I’d thought, or at least that there was a reason they hadn’t told me.

I don't think I am massively overreacting. I'm not beating my chest, wailing or stating I will cut them out completely, I'm not angry.

More voicing my emotions and fears of feeling lonely, and surprised that I haven't heard from close friends of so long.

Whilst I appreciate your thoughts and you are right I could easily reach out to them. Its more the fact that two previous messages before the direct invitations where ignored by both also. These too contained things we would normally back and forth on. So I suppose I feel that such time has elapsed on there part that perhaps I have missed a massive hint. And if I were to be ignored again, I think as I'm deep in grief this would sting further and I'd rather not open myself up to that right now.

I'm not suggesting you're wailing or chest-beating, only that you seem to be interpreting a couple of unanswered text messages as rejection, rather than a couple of unanswered text messages. Which is probably not surprising, as you're feeling raw.

As the only behaviour you can control here is your own, and you have said that these friendships are of value to you, my suggestion would be that you communicate your bereavement to these two friends. It's up to them then, obviously, how they respond, but you will know how things stand then, rather than trying to come up with reasons why two unconnected friends who don't know one another have both fallen silent.

It's one message you sent to invite them to something. They obviously couldn't make it but forgot to reply. It's not some sinister vendetta against you. Maybe they've had a bereavement also?

Please just contact them both again. I'm sure they're not deliberately abandoning you. As you say they don't know about your sad news.

It was not just one message - there were two to three others in the weeks preceeding the invitation that also received no response. Ive also explained up thread that social media activity would suggest no major bereavement (but of course these can be hugely cultivated).

But point taken. At some point in the future when I'm feeling stronger, and have the resilience to deal with any further none response, I'll contact them.

Also at no point have I suggested it's a sinister vendetta against me. That's not how I think at all. I have on this thread spoken about my emotions - I don't believe there is a vendetta I simply feel lonely and hurt. I don't think that, given I'm grieving, this is an over reaction.

I'm human, things hurt. What I have expressed is surprise, a feeling of further loss and a sense that I had put more into these friendship more than was perhaps reciproated.

I understand OP. My own family's lack of support has left me feeling 1000 times more alone after losing my mum recently. Just that realisation has made my grief so much worse.
Hopefully you at least have some supportive family, I am sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry you've lost your mum. I hope you have someone to turn to. Sending you virtual hugs.

It's a strange feeling isn't it - that isolation and then also frustration and sadness when you feel alone it in all. Take care x

Op sorry for your loss. I def find people flaky now. Even a quick reply.. I think when we grieve we feel it more. It does hurt though.