Bereavement and friends AWOL

[Feelingabitsorry]

Name change for privacy.

I'm feeling a little bit glum and sorry for myself. And quite lonely and isolated.

I have recently had a very close bereavement and it has been a hell of a month since they died. My very closest two friends (who live a long way from me) have been great and there at the end of the phone, I'm so lucky to have them. Yet my local friends have been completely absent.

Before the death I asked two friends (separately) if they wanted to go to an event together. One after the other - a few days apart. They don't know each other at all - and I sent the invitation to one, and then after a few days of silence thought I'd try another friend.

They both read the message and haven't replied since (six weeks ago). I feel so horribly lonely and disappointed that two people I thought were very good friends have simple vanished. They don't know about the bereavement. They simply haven't replied to my invitation to go out and there has been no communication since. My invitation just sitting there, read with no response.

Usually I see these friends (separately as outlined above), about once a month. Perhaps things are happening in their life's too - but usually there is a little chat, shared jokes, sharing and plans made to meet.

I feel so alone, and whilst I'm grappling with grief I'm also so confused as to why I've been left 'on read', and how now I find myself without any real local friends.

These are long standing friendships. There have been no fallings out, or awkward meet ups, I can't think I have upset them (I've racked my brians) - I'm easy going and try to be fun and kind as a friend. Previous chat has been light and kind. Previous meet ups all fun and easy going. I'm at a loss and down. I've been there for my friends so many times - and now here I am, alone, with no explanation. They absolutely won't know about the bereavement so it's certainly not that they don't know what to say etc.

Not sure what I'm asking others on Mumsnet for really... I just don't know how to handle the pain of grief alongside the pain of seemingly losing friends with no explanation.

That's really sad, I'm sorry. I agree with @Foughties .

You've been at pains to make clear that you've always been a "light"/fun friend, never imposing on them or bringing anything heavy to the relationship but being supportive and caring to them. Even if you had leant on them in difficult times, or brought grumbles into conversations sometimes, or been otherwise than all sweetness and light, you still wouldn't have deserved to be dropped or ignored when telling them you'd been bereaved. I think it is important to be clear on that, especially if you are now second-guessing yourself.

This is entirely speculative so I could be way off, but maybe it's possible you gave too much and they took advantage a bit? You gave (providing them with a perfect friend who didn't "need" anything from them) and they took? I don't think you always have to be the perfect, never negative, never-asking-for-a-single-thing friend in order to be liked or cared for.

I'm NOT saying it's your fault how they've behaved - that is on them. This could be about some demon they are wrestling with. I just wouldn't want this experience to make you feel you have to try even harder in future to be a perfect, almost service-level, friend and end up squashing away your needs and your personality - friendships should be able to accommodate a balanced mix of give and take, fantastic fun and sometimes difficult/grumpy stuff. That's real life.

When you are bereaved you find out who your real friends are, and often you make new friends, sometimes people you meet through bereavement groups. It does make a difficult situation harder to navigate, but it has certainly been my experience.
I am so sorry for your loss.

OP all I can say is similar happened to me. The silence is deafening. I hope life improves for you, you sound lovely, it is their loss.

Oh sorry to read this. Has sge definitely read it op? It’s true that you can have friends who are there for a while and not there when you really need them. I’ve found this out myself recently x