Dad has asked me to go to a hospital appointment with him.

[Mosaiccup]

Mum and Dad do everything together. They've been married nearly 60 years and are a good team. Respect each other and pool resources/talents.

Mum has recently had some mobility issues and it's now very difficult for her to leave the house.

Dad has had a lot of health issues over the last few years. Mum has been to all his appointments with him, for support, and also because he is sometimes muddled or forgetful about what he's been told. I don't think there are any symptoms of dementia, it's just that these conversations are stressful and complex.

He's asked me to go because Mum can't, and whilst of course I will, I'm finding the whole thing quite distressing. It's not good to see my Dad so vulnerable, or my Mum so helpless. They support me, not the other way round! Also, I'm not sure how good I'll be at listening and taking it all in, remembering so I can tell Mum.

I guess this is something lots of people have to deal with. Any tips for coping, practically or emotionally?

Take notes. Or if you don't think you'll be able to, ask if you can record what the doc is saying on your phone, and play it back later so you can take notes.
Do you have siblings? I find that support of siblings is really helpful, even if they don't attend appts because they live further away. We put all notes from dr appts on a sibling WhatsApp.

How lovely for them - and you - that you are able to support them now that they are needing you. It's not an easy road, and it does creep up on you. Hope it gives your Dad some comfort knowing that he has you there with him.

Take in a note of questions, and write everything down!

It's a tough stage of life when you see your parents become frail and vulnerable but the truth is the roles really do reverse and you learn to deal with your new reality.

Definitely bring a notebook and ask questions!

Good luck, I hope the appoimtment goes as well as possible.

Btw, I admire your dad for asking for help,not all older people are willing to do this.

How old are they. When they went together to the appointments how did they travel there. I took my DM and DF to all of their Dr's and hospital appointments when dad stopped driving. Do you know what the appointment is for. When my DF wasn't very able I used to go to the drop off point at the hospital. Got him to sit at the front of the hospital while I parked the car. Best to take notes so you can remember.

That’s good that your dad is asking. I’m amazed that they have been able to offer support so recently though. I’ve been supporting mine a long time!

Dad does still drive - whether he should is another issue.

My BF is going to take us so that we can be dropped at the door and I don't have to park the car.

The appointment is a follow up for a hip fracture/Osteopath, likely caused by cancer treatment a couple of years ago. Unfortunately whenever he gets any pain, his first assumption is that the cancer is back/spreading and doctors don't ever initially rule that out.

My own DH died 5 years ago and they literally did everything for me, DH and DC during his illness. It's been a very sudden decline. They were walking miles and refusing to consider themselves vulnerable during lockdown.

If only talking to him could solve either of those issues.

Take notes. Firstly talk to your Dad the day before the appointments and ask him are there any questions he wants to ask/new symptoms etc. Also bring a list of his current medication and the times that he takes each on. Have all this written down so you will not forget. Then take notes during the appointment. Try and keep it all in one notebook and use it at each visit.

Similar situation here. I’ve been driving my dad to appointments and sitting in. We’ve talked more in these last few months than in my whole adult life. We both agree we now really enjoy these appointments though not the reason for going. I hardly ever spent time with my dad alone before, mum was always there. We both now look on it as our time together with some medical stuff in between. Practical thing, I take notes on my phone in the corridor after any appointments so I don’t forget anything as mum always wants as much info as possible. Also my dad as he’s quite deaf and only hear half of what the doc says. I have occasionally felt a bit overwhelmed with the thought of his mortality but I save that for later on my own. You’re being really useful and that’s wonderful x

When I can, I take my mum, DH and MIL to certain appointments. I always take a pen/paper for notes and a list of questions.

Ask your dad if he has any questions he'd like to ask beforehand too.

As a doctor who sees a lot of older people:

Take notes or ask if you can record on your phone.
Take a list of his medications with you - check beforehand with him/your mum that it accurately reflects what he takes
Check with him/your mum before you go if there are any particular issues that need to be addressed and write a list
Be upfront that you have come to support as DF has memory problems
Be prepared to correct any answers he gives that aren't correct, or at least pull faces behind his back which I find is a popular option with families
Then check at the end that all your questions have been answered

Both your dad, mum and the doctor will be very grateful that you came.

Why do you say he perhaps shouldn’t be driving?

Are you sure the appointment is with an osteopath? The NHS generally doesn't employ osteopaths.

As the op said that is a different issue. She wants advice on how to support her Dad at his hospital appointment.

Do they know the cause of the hip fracture? Did he have a fall? Sorry to mention it, but a fracture without a trauma 'could' be pathological and caused by bone cancer weakening the bones.

That should have been apparent at the time he was seen in hospital though.

I agree. You'd hope this would be the case, and any findings should have been discussed with the OP and patient at the time. Its unclear though if it was a fracture from a trauma though or if the OP/siblings were around to hear the actual diagnosis?

I had to do this for my parents.

As a pp has said, take notes. If you can think of any questions beforehand, jot them down. Remember to have a list of your Dad's medications.

You need to get your parents to make you their POA now, while they still have capacity. Being their daughter isn't enough (as I found out). Most medics will refuse to discuss medical matter with you if you're ever in a position where one is too unwell to talk to a doctor, etc.

No, that's auto correct. I was trying to say osteoporosis!

No, no obvious trauma. He has osteoporosis. Initially they spent a lot of time deliberating over the scans as to whether there were tumours present, but are now apparently confident it's a compression fracture.

No, I don't really understand why a small fracture might look like tumours either.

Also my DH died from cancer spreading to his bones and once it was in his bones he went downhill staggeringly quickly. Dad has been in pain but well for more than a year.