Dad has asked me to go to a hospital appointment with him.

[Mosaiccup]

Mum and Dad do everything together. They've been married nearly 60 years and are a good team. Respect each other and pool resources/talents.

Mum has recently had some mobility issues and it's now very difficult for her to leave the house.

Dad has had a lot of health issues over the last few years. Mum has been to all his appointments with him, for support, and also because he is sometimes muddled or forgetful about what he's been told. I don't think there are any symptoms of dementia, it's just that these conversations are stressful and complex.

He's asked me to go because Mum can't, and whilst of course I will, I'm finding the whole thing quite distressing. It's not good to see my Dad so vulnerable, or my Mum so helpless. They support me, not the other way round! Also, I'm not sure how good I'll be at listening and taking it all in, remembering so I can tell Mum.

I guess this is something lots of people have to deal with. Any tips for coping, practically or emotionally?

Oh gosh, @Mosaiccup , you have had more than your fair share! I imagine you’ll have difficult memories associated with the hospital as well. I’m sorry.

Anna’s advice above seems very useful to me ^^

So he refuses to plan for the future care of him and his largely immobile wife.

And he’s so bloody minded that he will carry on driving despite not being wise.

You need to go to DVLA… he is putting entirely innocent road users at risk

And does he appreciate that if he doesn’t plan for the inevitable time that he and you mum need care - it will cause massive stress to you?

I asked whether I could record th meetings with my dad's Parkinson's team as it was like trying to learn a new language. They were fine about it. I'm someone who can not recall verbal information at all - I need things written down in my own way.

Okay. If you haven't already, look at the ROS site.

You might consider calling one of their nurses (free service) and asking if there are any specific questions that you should be asking for someone in your dad's position.

NOS, as they then were, helped me so much when I needed to advocate for my mum. [ETA The GP had stopped my mum's meds, but had offered nothing to replace them. The NOS nurse gave me brilliant advice.]

https://theros.org.uk/

You just have to do it. The roles reverse. It happens. It's not 'nice' to see a vulnerable parent, but it's the circle of life

If your mum is mentally with it, would it work better for you to hire her a wheelchair, if she doesn't already have one, and you take both of them to the appointment? Your dad can decide if he wants one or both of you to go into the appointment with him.

I have to say that I wouldn't have coped with that. It's difficult to cope with one vulnerable person on your own. Add to that the problems associated with pushing someone in a wheelchair and it becomes impossible.

Hrft but you know you are a grown up when you have to parent your parents

Take notes as others have advised and just be there for him. My Dad is widowed and I've accompanied him to appointments. It makes him feel better knowing that someone is there with him.

Unfortunately it sounds like the roles are reversing and they aren’t going to be looking after you any longer, you need to take your turn looking after them. You’ve had a really tough time but it’s best to be warned.

Just as advice- make sure you have power of attorney for both parents, especially if your dad is getting memory problems. You can’t use it until they don’t have capacity but you also can’t wait until that time to set it up as they have to give permission.

All the suggestions are valid here but I suggest you pull up your big girl panties and stop being me, me,me.

Sorry but you are an adult- start acting like one.

My lovely mum has been in hospital for over two months and no idea when she will be home, I really struggled with it and how upset and vulnerable my Dad has been. Like you I thought they should look after me, not the other way round. But I’ve found my feet with it now, realised I’m much better at coordinating information, appointments etc than they are and spent some lovely time with my mum, chatting and looking after her. we’ve also had my dad round for dinner and my 18 year old daughter who’s just passed her driving went out to see him today which he was delighted about.

i totally get it xx

And hoping she can go home soon but it’s going to be hard for them as she will be in a wheelchair.

She had a tumour on her spine but most of it has been removed. Sorry for hijacking.