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Original poster

I cannot get past not having any more children

36 replies

Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 17:51

Before I begin, let me preface this with how grateful I am that I have three healthy, happy children. It took us a long time to conceive our first, but once I naturally got pregnant with DS1, the other two were all conceived easily. I did spend quite a while thinking it would never happen amd just longing to have a child. The fact I ended up with three is more of a blessing than I can even believe, and I am grateful for them every day. Our home is filled with so much laughter and happiness, our kids are thriving and they have been so easy, on the whole.

This is particularly a dream come true for me because I was an only child of a mother who I suspect is on the autistic spectrum. I remember feeling incredibly alone with a mother who while I know for sure loved me and did her best, could not really relate to me. I always dreamt of creating a big, bustling, fun family. I have it.

My husband does not want any more kids, for sensible, practical and logical reasons. I fully respect and agree with his decision, in theory.

Every month I convince myself that I have accidentally got pregnant. We always use condoms and I fantasise that one will break or leak, and I feel so bad because it would devastated my husband. Through the years I have taken so many pregnancy tests even though there was no real risk of pregnancy. I dream of being pregnant. I am almost 44 so it would hardly be easy or low risk anyway, and I don't even know if its another human i want or just the excitement of the new life and all of that beautiful potential and awesome that I felt at each stage of pregnancy.

To be honest, I was like this as soon as I met my husband even though we were very careful until we actually started TTC. So for a huge chunk of my twenties and early thirties I was constantly convincing myself I was pregnant despite being on the pill and taking it religiously each day. However I knew that I could try for real in the future, and that was in front of me in life.

Now that bit is behind me and I dont know what to do with myself. I have a happy marriage, a professional job that I am good at and enjoy, lots of friends, I go out. I tried drilling all of my energy into other things but I am like a moth to a flame if I get pregnancy into my head. It is an obsession and really want I want is a lovely surprise. Something really wonderful and unexpected to happen in my life and I dont know why I long so deeply for this. Maybe its some kind of thrill seeking.

This is not about ingratitude, because I am incredibly grateful for the blessings in my life. This is some kind of mental problem that I wont get past until I go through menopause and can finally close the door. I dont know why I am telling you all but would like to know if anyone feels the same.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
Goldenmimx · 19/04/2026 18:01

You’re not alone, I feel it too. I only have the one- partner didn’t want another as has two from a previous relationship. He had the snip but I see stories about them reversing online and hold out hope despite how utterly unlikely it is. I know that’s unfair given he doesn’t want another but it’s just how I feel. I’m similar age to you too.

It’s really hard to come to terms with knowing you’ll never go through the pregnancy and newborn stage again. I feel pangs of jealousy when I see pregnant women or women on maternity leave. So no advice on how to overcome it, just empathy

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 18:08

Thank you for your message. Im sorry you feel it too but good to know I am not alone.

OP posts:
HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2026 18:10

This is not about ingratitude, because I am incredibly grateful for the blessings in my life. This is some kind of mental problem that I wont get past until I go through menopause and can finally close the door. I dont know why I am telling you all but would like to know if anyone feels the same.

Get some counselling. You obviously know this isn't a rational way to think. I would bet it's somehow linked to your experience of growing up as an only child with autistic and emotionally unavailable mother who struggled to fulfil your needs because of her own issues. You are trying to overcompensate by wanting to give yourself more and more opportunities to keep getting it right with your own children, and filling the house with the sibling company you never had. But you are already doing that with the children you have now. There's no guarantee that a fourth child would make this feelings go away. What then?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Menopause Women's health
Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 18:10

I do try to remember how horrific labour is, how hard breastfeeding is, how awful the bad nights are! And feel glad that I dont have to do thay again because for the last one, I do remember feeling relief that 'that' bit was over. But time softens memories!

OP posts:
Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 18:14

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2026 18:10

This is not about ingratitude, because I am incredibly grateful for the blessings in my life. This is some kind of mental problem that I wont get past until I go through menopause and can finally close the door. I dont know why I am telling you all but would like to know if anyone feels the same.

Get some counselling. You obviously know this isn't a rational way to think. I would bet it's somehow linked to your experience of growing up as an only child with autistic and emotionally unavailable mother who struggled to fulfil your needs because of her own issues. You are trying to overcompensate by wanting to give yourself more and more opportunities to keep getting it right with your own children, and filling the house with the sibling company you never had. But you are already doing that with the children you have now. There's no guarantee that a fourth child would make this feelings go away. What then?

Edited

100%. I was sure how but I do know that my upbringing is connected to this desire. I have been in counselling, on and off through the years. It has caused so many issues for me that I work through them in themes and then another one pops up and then another one. I have come a long way in terms of my own mental health but the older I get and strangely the more stable I am, the more and more damage I can see in myself. This is all definitely linked. I dont think I have any limit on how many children I would ideally have. For me, logic doesnt come into it, its just the love multiplying with each one. Good job my husband is so sensible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 18:19

I also want to say that I am a very good mother to my kids, so I dont just pop them out and move onto the next 😉 People always tell me that they think I'm a great mum and that my children are kind, funny, mannerly. I love motherhood too and I am very thoughtful about how I raise my kids.
I read articles and research etc but it also feels very instinctively for me.I am not showing off or anything, just showing that I do care for the kids I do have, very carefully.

I havr had so much love in my heart since childhood and for some reasons, two lines on a pregnancy test seem to quantify it. That's the only way I can describe it.

OP posts:
LondonLady1980 · 19/04/2026 18:20

You mention waiting for the menopause so you can finally close the door on the possibility….

Could your DH get a vasectomy and close the door instead?

When I was going through a phase of obsessing about having more children my husband having a vasectomy was the only thing that made me sane again.

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 18:22

LondonLady1980 · 19/04/2026 18:20

You mention waiting for the menopause so you can finally close the door on the possibility….

Could your DH get a vasectomy and close the door instead?

When I was going through a phase of obsessing about having more children my husband having a vasectomy was the only thing that made me sane again.

I think that I would then hang onto hope that it would fail, as it does happen. We did talk today and he knows he should. He doesnt know anything about these desires, which makes me feel even more ashamed and silly. I worry he wouldn't trust me somehow but I would never actually do anything to go against his wishes. I respect him too much.

OP posts:
Chocaholick · 19/04/2026 18:23

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 19/04/2026 18:10

This is not about ingratitude, because I am incredibly grateful for the blessings in my life. This is some kind of mental problem that I wont get past until I go through menopause and can finally close the door. I dont know why I am telling you all but would like to know if anyone feels the same.

Get some counselling. You obviously know this isn't a rational way to think. I would bet it's somehow linked to your experience of growing up as an only child with autistic and emotionally unavailable mother who struggled to fulfil your needs because of her own issues. You are trying to overcompensate by wanting to give yourself more and more opportunities to keep getting it right with your own children, and filling the house with the sibling company you never had. But you are already doing that with the children you have now. There's no guarantee that a fourth child would make this feelings go away. What then?

Edited

Why isn’t it rational? She wants another baby. It’s never a rational feeling but it’s totally valid, that’s why we are all here! This ‘get counselling’ for a perfectly normal emotion is just so facetious

TalulahJP · 19/04/2026 18:23

i’d suggest its just your age.

most of us seem to get like that, 40s-50s broodiness.

it’s the body having a last gasp attempt to get us to have another baby.

it doesn’t seem to care how many we already have or the inconvenience it would cause or anything. it’s just pure hormones.

Goldenmimx · 19/04/2026 19:06

Your feelings are perfectly valid OP. I hope it gets easier for you

RockNToll · 19/04/2026 19:10

How old are you OP? I found that it peaked around age 40 but then gradually reduced and by 45 I had accepted I'd definitely have no more children.

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 19:15

I am about to turn 44. To be honest, I have wanted to have children all my life. It was something I thought about frequently but when I met my now husband, it reached a new level. I have wanted a baby every second of our time together, from when we met until now. Before I met him I fantasised about pregnancy and having children in the future. It has been a constant sense of anticipation about making new life and now I know its over and I cannot accept it. I dont actually even believe my age either. Mentally I am around 34/35. In my mind I still have loads of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 19:20

I scour the 'line eyes' threads on the TTC boards and binge watch videos on Instagram and YouTube of women taking pregnancy tests. I almost get a dopamine hit when I see a positive one! I did so many unnecessary tests through the years and didnt know what to do with them so kept them all in a bag. I know our cleaner found them in a drawer based on how they had been positioned and I was so ashamed. My husband has no idea. Its so embarrassing.

OP posts:
ThatFairy · 19/04/2026 19:21

I feel sad that I won't have another baby. I have an 18 year old and I know that I can't go back there. It was hard, I was a single mum for the most part being in an on and off abusive relationship with his father. So it was hard to get going in a career, and to date ive only worked in shops, call centres and factories. So I know it's time to focus on me and my own life. He's planning on moving out this year. I always wanted a bigger family. I've just found out his dad's having a new baby and I feel a little jealous that he gets to have a second chance at having a family and I don't. I'm 36. I suppose never say never though

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 19:22

ThatFairy · 19/04/2026 19:21

I feel sad that I won't have another baby. I have an 18 year old and I know that I can't go back there. It was hard, I was a single mum for the most part being in an on and off abusive relationship with his father. So it was hard to get going in a career, and to date ive only worked in shops, call centres and factories. So I know it's time to focus on me and my own life. He's planning on moving out this year. I always wanted a bigger family. I've just found out his dad's having a new baby and I feel a little jealous that he gets to have a second chance at having a family and I don't. I'm 36. I suppose never say never though

Edited

Never say never is right! You're still young.

OP posts:
CortieTat · 19/04/2026 19:23

Your feelings are valid, I don’t understand these comments about counseling or being hormonal. The wish to have children is always driven by hormones, starting from puberty. The whole reason to have these hormones in the first place and going through sexual maturity is to propagate the species.

I understand you OP, I also always wanted to have a bigger family. I had my youngest at 46.

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 19:25

CortieTat · 19/04/2026 19:23

Your feelings are valid, I don’t understand these comments about counseling or being hormonal. The wish to have children is always driven by hormones, starting from puberty. The whole reason to have these hormones in the first place and going through sexual maturity is to propagate the species.

I understand you OP, I also always wanted to have a bigger family. I had my youngest at 46.

Oh wow, 46. Was your husband on board with having more or was it an accident? If you dont mind me asking. Sorry if im being rude. I think about the contexts for older pregnancies a lot.

OP posts:
NamelessNinja · 19/04/2026 19:26

I could have written this myself and feel so much empathy for you. I'm only 31 and my husband is very sure we aren't having any more children but I just can't imagine closing that door for good. He wanted to get a vasectomy and I explained I didn't feel comfortable with it as we are still young which caused a big rift in our marriage for a while. I get the same feelings around wishing it would happen accidentally, although I know it would devastate him
So no solutions here I'm afraid but here with you in solidarity! How old are your children? My youngest is only 2 so I'm hoping the longing might fade the further we get from the baby days.

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 19:33

NamelessNinja · 19/04/2026 19:26

I could have written this myself and feel so much empathy for you. I'm only 31 and my husband is very sure we aren't having any more children but I just can't imagine closing that door for good. He wanted to get a vasectomy and I explained I didn't feel comfortable with it as we are still young which caused a big rift in our marriage for a while. I get the same feelings around wishing it would happen accidentally, although I know it would devastate him
So no solutions here I'm afraid but here with you in solidarity! How old are your children? My youngest is only 2 so I'm hoping the longing might fade the further we get from the baby days.

Oh I am so sorry that you feel this too. Again, you are still young so you still have time for your husband to maybe change his mind. My kids are 9, 7 and 5. In many ways its great to finally sleep through the night again and lose all of the contraptions? The buggy, the travel system, the infant car seat, all the nappies and wipes etc etc. But they never really bothered me. Having kids always felt like a kind of working holiday for me. Hard work but fun. Its hard to close the door.

OP posts:
CortieTat · 19/04/2026 19:44

Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 19:25

Oh wow, 46. Was your husband on board with having more or was it an accident? If you dont mind me asking. Sorry if im being rude. I think about the contexts for older pregnancies a lot.

Show quote history

It was planned, I had several miscarriages before DC who is now just over a year. DH wasn’t on board at the beginning so we waited quite a bit. Unfortunately the risk of miscarriage goes up significantly when you’re over 42.

I totally overhauled my lifestyle to increase my chances and this has paid off in all aspects of my life.

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 19:47

CortieTat · 19/04/2026 19:44

It was planned, I had several miscarriages before DC who is now just over a year. DH wasn’t on board at the beginning so we waited quite a bit. Unfortunately the risk of miscarriage goes up significantly when you’re over 42.

I totally overhauled my lifestyle to increase my chances and this has paid off in all aspects of my life.

Show quote history

Im so glad it all worked out for you!

OP posts:
nmchngfrths · 19/04/2026 20:04

I dont think I have any limit on how many children I would ideally have. For me, logic doesnt come into it, its just the love multiplying with each one.

not sure why this made me smile so much but you sound like a lovely person but also a bit nuts! Hope you don’t mind me saying this. Honestly, I always wanted three and have three. never felt desire to have more - I didn’t even realise women could want limitless kids! i always thought there would be a certain number

The age gaps you have are fab! and I think the symmetry might be messed up if you had another. Wouldn’t that bother you?

Also when you’re ready then I’d chuck away the big bag with tests, doesn’t that weigh you down?

As you say keep focusing on your kids they seem to need more of your energy as they get older

Original poster
Skyspeed · 19/04/2026 20:21

nmchngfrths · 19/04/2026 20:04

I dont think I have any limit on how many children I would ideally have. For me, logic doesnt come into it, its just the love multiplying with each one.

not sure why this made me smile so much but you sound like a lovely person but also a bit nuts! Hope you don’t mind me saying this. Honestly, I always wanted three and have three. never felt desire to have more - I didn’t even realise women could want limitless kids! i always thought there would be a certain number

The age gaps you have are fab! and I think the symmetry might be messed up if you had another. Wouldn’t that bother you?

Also when you’re ready then I’d chuck away the big bag with tests, doesn’t that weigh you down?

As you say keep focusing on your kids they seem to need more of your energy as they get older

Yes I always have been a little bit on the eccentric side so not offended at all! Am definitely a little nuts. I don't have a number as such, probably 5 as I like an odd number! Its like 3, but more 😀

OP posts:
Peonies12 · 19/04/2026 20:23

This isn’t a normal it’s an obsession, it sounds like it’s ruling your life and I think you’d benefit from seeing a suitable counsellor. I get your comment about love multiplying but your time with each child drops down and down. Im one of 3 and I barely remember any quality time with my parents, that’s why I’m sticking with 1 (amongst other reasons).