I cannot get past not having any more children

[Skyspeed]

Before I begin, let me preface this with how grateful I am that I have three healthy, happy children. It took us a long time to conceive our first, but once I naturally got pregnant with DS1, the other two were all conceived easily. I did spend quite a while thinking it would never happen amd just longing to have a child. The fact I ended up with three is more of a blessing than I can even believe, and I am grateful for them every day. Our home is filled with so much laughter and happiness, our kids are thriving and they have been so easy, on the whole.

This is particularly a dream come true for me because I was an only child of a mother who I suspect is on the autistic spectrum. I remember feeling incredibly alone with a mother who while I know for sure loved me and did her best, could not really relate to me. I always dreamt of creating a big, bustling, fun family. I have it.

My husband does not want any more kids, for sensible, practical and logical reasons. I fully respect and agree with his decision, in theory.

Every month I convince myself that I have accidentally got pregnant. We always use condoms and I fantasise that one will break or leak, and I feel so bad because it would devastated my husband. Through the years I have taken so many pregnancy tests even though there was no real risk of pregnancy. I dream of being pregnant. I am almost 44 so it would hardly be easy or low risk anyway, and I don't even know if its another human i want or just the excitement of the new life and all of that beautiful potential and awesome that I felt at each stage of pregnancy.

To be honest, I was like this as soon as I met my husband even though we were very careful until we actually started TTC. So for a huge chunk of my twenties and early thirties I was constantly convincing myself I was pregnant despite being on the pill and taking it religiously each day. However I knew that I could try for real in the future, and that was in front of me in life.

Now that bit is behind me and I dont know what to do with myself. I have a happy marriage, a professional job that I am good at and enjoy, lots of friends, I go out. I tried drilling all of my energy into other things but I am like a moth to a flame if I get pregnancy into my head. It is an obsession and really want I want is a lovely surprise. Something really wonderful and unexpected to happen in my life and I dont know why I long so deeply for this. Maybe its some kind of thrill seeking.

This is not about ingratitude, because I am incredibly grateful for the blessings in my life. This is some kind of mental problem that I wont get past until I go through menopause and can finally close the door. I dont know why I am telling you all but would like to know if anyone feels the same.

Sorry for the essay.

I understand this feeling OP. I have 3 boys (youngest only 6 months) and although I hate being pregnant and the postpartum/newborn stage I feel so sad at the thought of not having another baby. I was trying to explain to DH last night why I feel the way I do (he thinks I’m mental) but as others have said it’s completely hormonal/biological and I think I’ll feel like this until my reproductive organs give up the ghost 😂

I get it, OP.

I am 37. Also have three kids (4, 2 and just turned one), so I am extremely fortunate and appreciate it’s probably silly or plain greedy to want more. But I’ve wanted four since I had my eldest and realised that being a mum trumps all other things for me. Like you I have a great husband, family, friends and career. But still…

Husband is now feeling more set on sticking to three. I know this trumps any thoughts I have on the matter. But I’m still struggling a bit with it and can’t really tell anyone in real life!

😂😂

I have one grown up daughter.

Babies don't make me nostalgic at all but pre-schoolers - oh yeah!

I'd love to borrow one every night to read stories to.

@Skyspeedi can totally relate, and have a very similar history, and three beautiful children also. I also struggled to have the first and we ended up going down the IVF route with that pregnancy after unexplained infertility. My youngest child is only a few months old but I already feel that sadness as they grow that I will never experience it again as my husband is against a fourth for practical reasons, and because we are both in our forties. I agree in principle but still feel sad as it’s all so magical. I think for me going through infertility has partly caused my feelings of always longing for another and almost, weird as it sounds, a slight obsession and addiction to trying to get a positive pregnancy test and the excitement. I can totally relate. I know deep down I’ll probably always feel that longing for another.

It's not rational because she already has three DC, she's 44 and her husband doesn't want any more. She should find a way of feeling content and at peace with what she has.

I take your point that it's not irrational to yearn for a another baby at any time, but it would be pretty irrational to have one right now, or to let the lack of a fourth child become so all encompassing that you feel permanently unhappy. The risks are significant now, for a start. You have to weigh up how complicated and potentially risky something is versus the benefit. For someone who has no children yet, I understand why they'd feel it harder and be more willing to sweep the risks under the carpet. But the OP has three kids already. She thinks a fourth is going to complete her, but it won't, because even she acknowledges that her issues are not as straightforward as not having enough children. If she has a fourth and still feels this yearning, what then? A fifth, sixth and seventh child into her 50s?

Just to give you a different perspective. I was similar to you; always wanted 4 but stopped at 3 for sensible purposes. I fell pregnant unexpectedly at 42 whilst the others were 9,7 and 3. We love our littlest but god it's been tough. She's been a much harder baby than our older 3 and I think we are just coming out of something now as she's turned 3. 4 seemed much harder than 3, and we had seriously loved having 3! I also wonder if it was our age, we have just been doing little kids for a long time and I feel a little sorry for our little one that we are definitely hurrying her up getting older rather than savouring every moment like we did with the older 3.

and now I have absolutely no hankering after babies! It's cured me. Whereas before I always felt a pang, now I think rather her than me!

I think it’s just a mourning of a part of life you will
never get back.
I feel it about not being a teenager at times despite being so happy with my life now

You are right: it kind of is a good job he's so sensible OP, because, while there are worse drives than to be a mother again, children aren't collector's items, and while the love might, indeed, multiply with each one, other things don't - such as time, finances, space.

I think it is really important to find a balance between what you feel soothes deep-seated desires within you, and what is best for the children themselves. If I would you, I'd approach it from that sort of angle.

Thank you everyone. Lots of supportive posts! I got my period yesterday and feel a lot better. It seems to get progressively worse through the month and once I get my period I am fine.

I do feel like I yearn for something and its not actually a baby. Just some kind of spark of wonderful. I do have a good, happy life and my job is a good creative outlet and is very satisfying. Maybe this is why middle aged people buy motorbikes and get tattoos!