Why do people ignore their friends who have been widowed?

[MinnieMountain]

I'm asking for someone I know from swimming.

She's very recently been widowed. She's in her 60's. She was telling me today that people she knows from things like bingo just ignore her now. It's understandably upset her on top of everything else, so I said I'd have a think.

I don't think she has any particular friends outside of the activities she does. There are no DC.

Can anyone shed any light?

She has started going to a group of bereaved people. And we're all friendly at the lido, but it's the people she would normally socialise with ignoring her that's, understandably, upset her.

I was widowed at 47. (Dh had been same age.) I didn't find this. I had a few female friends I saw without their dh and that just carried on

Assuming you’re both English, it’s a culture that often deals very badly with death, in my experience. I was often fairly shocked by what I saw as cold behaviour in workplaces and in the village I lived in. Twice people I didn’t know that well told me I was the only one who’d expressed sympathy after they’d lost a parent or spouse. I had nothing profound to say at all, I should add.

I don’t actually think it’s indifference or coldness, I think they have no idea what to say and are terrified they’re going to make the bereaved person upset.

I'm English and people were very kind when I was widowed

There’s some people, that seem to not want to be burdened by reality (death, illness etc) I don’t know why exactly, but I ended up losing friends during my cancer treatment, just ignored me essentially.
I don’t know if it’s because they don’t know what to say, or they don’t want to think about death/illness or what not, it’s strange though.

I'd guess all the friends are married.

When my father was diagnosed with cancer my mother was dropped by one or two friends. Other friends were brilliant.

I think all these friends are married. She's white British and I think most of her friends are too.

She's a very matter of fact type person (we've been swimming at the same pool for a good 5 years), so I'd have thought most people who know her would realise she'd welcome any company.

I lost friends when I had cancer too @Awedx.

People are often embarrassed by death. They don't know what to say.

They sometimes also, whilst feeling genuinely sorry that the person has lost their spouse, don't want to feel as though they are being " obliged" to put themselves out for the bereaved person- they have an expectation that the widow will somehow want to lean on them and they don't want that.

When I was widowed unexpectedly in my early 50s so many people expressed their shock and said " if there is anything I can do just ask" . I asked for help only a couple of times , in very small ways and the the response was " oh no, that wasnt what i meant, I cant help with that. So my son and I just got on with things by ourselves. And the only person who helped in any way was actually the father of one of my son's best friends who was really kind and helped us transporting things when we moved house because I didn't drive and my son was too young to be able to hire and drive the van we needed. I am still so grateful to him, as is my son.
Incidently one of my son's friends , who was part of his close circle, never even mentioned his father's death to him. He just ignored the fact my son had lost his father. I know they were only 18 year olds but he couldn't even say to my son he was sorry he had lost his Dad, even when he had met my DH on multiple occasions. My son was really hurt by that. Some people just don't know how to behave around death.

I found being widowed a genuinely life changing experience. It's not only the grief for your the loss of your life partner. It's a grief for the loss of a whole way of life. I don't think a lot of people understand that unless they have gone through it themselves.

Most of my friends were male. Their partners suddenly started having an issue with me socialising with them once my late OH died. They suddenly started treating me as competition.

A lot of family avoided me as they were too scared of saying the wrong thing.

We have a really fucked up culture around death, sickness and disability but I have no idea where to even start fixing it.

I found exactly the opposite, that I was flooded with kindness, it was something I will never forget. I agree though that people can be terrified of saying the wrong thing. I personally think it doesn’t help that British humour is all based on ripping the piss out of what people say. Like the years of ridiculing Christmas letters for example. All very well, but the journalists who made money out of those articles aren’t going to update me about what my friends have been up to. It’s increasingly difficult to even know what people have had happen in their lives - people don’t write letters, don’t make phone calls without messaging first, don’t drop round without 3 rounds of negotiation via WhatsApp. People get out of practice with simply sharing their news and commiserating.

Perhaps it is a combination of things. People very often just don't know what to say to someone who has been widowed, so they take the only action they can think of which is to avoid the bereaved. Socialising is more difficult if it always used to be in couples, or if the friendship was between the two men first.

Unfortunately, there is also another issue (another widow said all this to my bereaved mother), and it is that other women don't want their husbands donning their 'knight in shining armour' role and consoling the poor widow. So she is shunned.

Married couples of that generation seem to dislike single people in my experience. My neighbours are at age range and actively exclude me from anything that happens on our road and the only explanation is that I don’t have a partner. Everyone else is included that is in a partnership.
I don’t really want to be invited, but the point is maybe they’re afraid that the easy dynamic of men chatting to
men and women chatting to women at social stuff will be affected and awkward and they are too selfish to see a way to support your friend. Or perhaps fear that their husband will get stolen?

to add, I’m not the only single person excluded but that’s not the point.

@MinnieMountain , I was chatting to a friend about this a while ago. We're both single and happy that way, but we get excluded because we might be husband stealers.

Yep. That's it. I suffered from this attitude from female friends towards me in the 5 years or so when I was single and in between husbands. Ironic thing is... it is usually their husbands/partners who decide that any single woman must be desperate for it, and they are the ones who sidle up to you... which is not our fault, yet we get the blame.

Along with us as a nation being pretty hopeless at dealing with bereaved people, not knowing what to say or how to be etc., I sadly I think it’s her friends ‘being married’ that might be part of the problem. She’s suddenly perceived as a threat, even though nothing could be further from the truth. They’re worried their own husbands will become her ‘knight in shining armour’ even though she neither wants nor needs one.

If they did things as a couple, she’s no longer part of that in their view. It’s desperately sad and so awful to essentially drop people when they’re grieving (a lot of people treat recently divorced women the same way).

Unbelievably, the same people usually rally around widowers.

Her loss also makes them look at their own mortality and people often don’t want to be faced with that. Selfishly, they also don’t want to risk their fun time out being spoilt but someone else’s upset. It’s so selfish.

She is incredibly lucky to have friends like you and I hope she’s able to meet more like minded people. Grief is an horrendous journey without being abandoned by your friends, but it happens a lot.

I found I lost all my (our) couple friends, which I think was a mixture of not fitting in anymore, not wanting to have to think about the possibility for them, and shockingly for some in unhappy marriages, a little bit of uncomfortable jealously about my new freedom.

Hobby friends were really good to me, and many people, who were previously only really hobby aquaintances, have become very good friends, so your friend's position is surprising to me.

I think there's also a possibility for your friend, that she's craving social contact in a way she didn't when she had a DH to talk to, so maybe "notices" when people don't bother making conversation more than she did in the past.

honestly some people just don’t think, other don’t want her to become reliant on them, some will think she’s now a danger to their husband and others are just selfies not real friends to start with

It’s a shame to hear this sort of thing still goes on.

My mum was widowed in her 60s about 30 years ago … her friends all seemed to think she wanted their man and dropped her.

She really wasn’t that sort … had absolutely no interest in their husbands 🤣

It so sad. She's a nice person, has dealt with her husband being bed-bound for a good 6 months, then being in hospital for a few weeks before he died. Now she's some sort of threat apparently.

At least she's got the lido/ other council pool out of season. Everyone's friendly at the pool.

My condolences to everyone who has lost a spouse. My DM died during the pandemic, so it was understandably odd.

She really wasn’t that sort … had absolutely no interest in their husbands 🤣
There's the 'damsel in distress' element that men seem to find attractive. I've seen men seem to find newly-single female friends very attractive.

I always find it fascinating that so many women have such a lack of faith in their husband's ability (or willingness?) to be faithful.

That aside, unfortunately Britain is just a horrible place to be bereaved.

Yep this. A widowed woman is now seen as a threat.

It's normally to do with the fact that a) she's uncomfortable for them to be around now (some people can't deal with the bereaved) and b) she's now a single woman and other women will be afraid she'll go after their husbands. Ask me how I know.

Women are only friendly to other women when they see no threat.

Your poor friend. Hopefully, she'll make new friends.

@decorationday , the trouble is the men. I don't know why but I've seen a few cases where Anna's friend Clara suddenly becomes irresistible to Anna's husband when she becomes widowed/separated/a single mother.

When my aunt was widowed in her 50s she said the same and she has always felt that women see her as a threat and wanting to 'steal' their DHs, when nothing could be further from the truth!