If paying for dinner for the group should you say at the outset or moment you pay?

[Cleo5mum]

Just that really. I am going out for a fancy-ish dinner with 2 old friends that I organised as one of my (big!) birthday treats this year. I want to buy the meal (usually we each pay a 1/3). Should I let them know now or wait until it comes to settling the bill? Thank

Depends if you trust them and they aren't the sort to order lobster and champagne if somebody else is paying.

Yes, this!

Anyone remember Lobster Boy?

Are they likely to order differently if they knew you were paying?

I’d always treat it as a normal meal and then just say at the end when the bill has arrived.

Some people get carried away/really cheeky when they know somebody else is paying - like ordering lots of extra sides and cocktails etc.

Some people go the other extreme and will only order a soup or something and insist they only want tap water, they’re so worried about looking cheeky that they order less than they normally would.

I’ve also found some people feel like if you’re paying it’s somehow all your night, and they have to entertain you or agree on anything you say, like they feel subservient to you for the dinner which is an odd dynamic!

if they are likely to order a side salad and water if they are paying, but steak caviar and lobster if someone else is paying: do it at the end.

Otherwise, you know them, so you know if you need to set limits/expectations if you tell them pre-ordering.

I'd say "my treat" when it came to paying the bill. Not because I think anyone I want to treat would take the mickey, but because it feels less pretentious than making a thing of it beforehand. It does also give the option to say "I'll get the drinks" if it turns out more expensive than you expected, but that wouldn't be my main reason for doing it that way.

I would just say "This is on me btw" once you are all sitting down, perusing the menu. If they are real friends they won't take the piss.

This
is let everyone have what they want
excuse yourself to the toilet when you’ve all eaten and then pay the bill and comeback to the table

It's a difficult one. Me and DP are struggling for money at the moment, so if we go out, we get the cheapest thing we can and just get one course. If we learned someone else was paying, and we could have eaten the same as everyone else, we would be gutted. That's not taking the piss - that's just being able to relax and eat like a normal person for the night!

EDIT: If you're worried about people taking the piss, just go somewhere where you could afford to buy everyone the most expensive thing if that's what they choose.

Do it at the outset, so people know where they stand. It's uncomfortable when it's unexpected.

At the end when bill is due to be paid - if they protest/say it is too much then they can put in for the tip instead. It also gives you the chance as a pp said, to stand the drinks tab only, if it ends up ££££

See when ever anyone offers to buy dinner i always go for cheaper meals than usual lol I can't believe people actually take the piss when others are paying!

I would say you paying after they ordered. That way they will just order what they want/not take piss.

I was out with friends the other night, folk I don’t see often so it was lovely to catch up with them. I popped to the toilet towards the end of the night and while I was away one friend paid the bill. It was lovely of her and totally unexpected, and I appreciated her kindness. I wouldn’t have ordered any differently had I known because I’d set money aside for dinner. I think of if I had known beforehand it would have changed the dynamic slightly but it wasn’t a special occasion.

Given it’s your birthday you could just say at the start that you want to treat them, if someone does that I tend to order in line with what they order because I assume they’re happy to pay X. Mind you a different friend said she was paying for a celebration meal with a fairly big group of friends, and ordered steak for her own meal. Half the table used the same thinking as me and also ordered steak - said friend ended up with a much bigger bill than she anticipated.

If you genuinely do want to treat them to whatever they’d normally have, then there’s no benefit to telling them in advance. If someone else is paying for my meal, I automatically limit myself a little (will make one drink last or not order a fancy cocktail etc).

So if you do have a budget in mind and would prefer they limited themselves, telling them in advance could help.

Just say this is "My treat" perhaps at coffee or pudding then just pay, I don't think you need say anything beforehand.

Some restaurants offer a menu with no prices, so they can choose what they like without the feeling they need to go cheap if you are paying. Maybe ring and check if that would be an option.

Otherwise, I'd just pay at the end. Sometimes I've just paid en-route to the loo etc so no awkwardness at the table.

I treated my family for my big birthday recently and I didn't tell them until the bill arrived:

my BIL was then sheepish because he'd ordered a steak and said he wouldn't have done that if he thought I was paying

my brother said he would have ordered a steak if he knew I was paying (he ordered something much cheaper)

Both ways of looking at it was why I never mentioned it beforehand: I wanted everyone to have what they would be happy to pay for themselves

I’d just say at the end as the bill came out.

This!

I prefer not to know as I otherwise I don’t feel like I can have what I would normally have

I'd say when the bill comes out.

Assuming the point is to splurge, I'd be starting it with "this is on me so don't hold back, let's start with cocktails"
And then set an example. Worst thing to do is tell them you're paying and then order yourself a side salad and water!

The moment you pay. Some people if they know earlier will make complete pigs of themselves and order the most expensive things if they don't have to pay 🤦‍♂️😕

No I hate it when someone announces it’s on them. I am able to afford whatever I like if I’m paying but feel that I should order modestly when they are. Just do it at the end and let them leave a tip

Do people really do that though ?

Same, if someone said it upfront id feel the need to modify my order and not just order what I want. When I think I’m paying for my own I order what I want because I know I can pay for it without worrying.
When I treat my friends I just go up and pay the bill at the end on my way to or from the loo; that way everyone has ordered and eaten what they wanted from the outset.