If paying for dinner for the group should you say at the outset or moment you pay?

[Cleo5mum]

Just that really. I am going out for a fancy-ish dinner with 2 old friends that I organised as one of my (big!) birthday treats this year. I want to buy the meal (usually we each pay a 1/3). Should I let them know now or wait until it comes to settling the bill? Thank

I'd be more likely to order something cheap and skip pudding or a second glass of wine if I knew someone else was paying so I'd say at the end when the bill comes

I think it depends on the people you’re dining with. Usually I’d leave it until it’s time to pay the bill.

There was an occasion previously where I wish I’d voiced my intention to pay from the outset. Had a meal booked for a few weeks. At the last minute, someone made their excuses and pulled out, and I suspect it was because they couldn’t afford to join. I would have felt awkward to mention it at that point so I just left it but it’s a shame they missed out.

I'd do it at the end. That way it's not on anyone's minds during the meal, and you're not making a big deal out of it.

The last time I wanted to treat someone they refused to let me pay, and we'd have argued all during the meal!

Same here. I'd tend to splash out more if I knew I was paying for myself rather than be thought of as a CF.

I’d wait until after. If someone said that to me at the beginning of the meal then I’d be ordering a lettuce leaf and tap water and still ask them if that was ok 😂 makes it all bit awkward for decent people and a free for all the ones that aren’t.

I am really astonished by these "friends" ordering the lobster and champagne just because they knew that you were paying. If this happens, you don't need to be strategizing about when to announce you are paying the bill, you just need new friends!

When the bill comes, unless there's a danger someone won't come or only orders limited food due to their own financial constraints and you'd like to free them from that worry.

There's a study people order more when they know someone else is paying - not going mad, but they will get a starter, main and dessert, or extra drink, when if it was their own money they'd do just two courses, etc.

Wait til the bill arrives then pay it.

Say at the end.

I love steak and always order it when eating out. I'll get sauces and sides and treat myself.

If someone else is paying I always end up ordering something cheaper so I don't look like a CF.

Then I sit there eating my lasagne, sad.

I had this recently when I took siblings and niece//nephew out to dinner. I told them it was my treat as we were looking at the menus cos I wanted them to celebrate and not worry about the cost. We probably had a few more drinks and side dishes than normal but I was happy with that. However saying all that I usually order the cheaper things on the menu when I know I am being treated!

Just pick up the tab at the end of the meal.

When the bill comes.
Let them order what they would order when they thought it was coming from their pocket.

Everyone I know just subtly does it at the end. Or they just know it's their turn if we do it that way. If we usually split then yeah the payer just refuses to allow the card machine to go any further. But they never make a fuss over it.

It seems a bit performative to make a show of saying you're paying up front. And makes people awkward about ordering what they want instead of the cheapest things. Or less drinks or whatever.

I did this last week. Just paid the bill. No need to say in advance. Some might feel guilty ordering things they want and are happy to pay for, others may take the piss if you tell them beforehand.

I’d feel terribly guilty ordering anything expensive if someone else was paying. I would probably wait until after the mains and say something like ’this is on me so let’s all get dessert / after dinner cocktails / whatever makes sense’ so everyone has the chance to splurge a little but it’s not awkward at the start

Exactly, if I was fancying steak and fully able to afford/planning to pay for it myself, I wouldn't then want to downgrade myself to a burger out of guilt because a friend had offered to pay! Same with treating myself to a nice cocktail etc. I think paying after is definitely better, stops people taking the piss, everyone can order what they want, and you've always got the option of changing your mind if it's more than expected.

I can't really see what advantage there would be to saying beforehand.

While it's a nice thing for you to do, personally I'd be a bit confused at you paying for everyone for your birthday - it would be more normal for my friends and family to cover you. They might be a bit worried that if they go out for a meal for their birthdays you'll expect them to reciprocate.

I'd say at the end.

If someone else is paying then I feel awkward about ordering what I really want, and tend to veer towards the cheaper end or order the exact same thing as my host.

A man I work with took me out for dinner at a place like this recently! Was mad. Idk if he asked in advance for me to have the menu without the ££ or they just decided based on good old sexism. Was weird though!

Yes I worry about this when taking people out - even more so because I'm a veggie and I know my friends will want meat/fish but some of them would feel they shouldn't get that if I was paying (which isn't the case at, I want them to have steak if they want steak!) so I pay at the end and don't mention it in advance.

I'd rather not know til the bill came, then I would order what I wanted as normal. Otherwise I might not have dessert or a coffee so as not to look greedy.