Concerned about care home resident's worsening memory and recent cough

[PerkyOchrePeer]

I know a lady with dementia in a care home. Igave visited her but havent had time lately. Yesterday to ask how she was , and they said she was doing well , but had a nasty cough , so they got the doctor to see her.And the doctors said she was ok. Then I spoke to the lady and remarked on this doctor's visit and she said, no doctor had been to see her, which is quite alarming. Because this means she is getting worse. Because she cannot seem to remember what happened a few hours earlier.. i then notified to care home and they said they would get the doctor to test her memory again.. This means that she is not as fine as they said.She was so wide they say she was , I m very concerned

She’s got dementia. So there will be things she forgets like the doctor coming. Dementia gets worse with time and there’s nothing you can do about it.

This is a really weird take for you; of course she is getting worse, she has a progressive illness and is being cared for accordingly. They don’t need to do repeated memory tests, she has a diagnosis already.

The cough, well it’s a common virus and may or may not be something more severe, again this is something the home would manage if and when they thought it necessary. Having a cough doesn’t mean needs a doctor.

what is your interest here?

Why are you surprised and concerned that a progressive illness (dementia) is progressing?

The care home staff will know that it is. You didn't need to tell them FGS.

Dementia patients don't need repeated memory tests.

Sorry to be harsh, but it’s only going to get worse. Dementia doesn’t get better. If this is the extent of the confusion she’s doing ok. She’s in the best place.

Yep, standard behavior for someone suffering with dementia.
what do you want the care home to do?

I visited my elderly Aunt yesterday she is quite deep into her dementia, I knew her son had just visited my aunt had no recollection, people with dementia might not be able to recall anything but seem "fine" when you are talking to them, the home will be aware of her medical condition i don't know why you are shocked, saying that Dementia is horrendous to see but I don't think you have to do/say anything.

Are you a relation? Surprised the staff are giving out medical info to people who visit occasionally.

Dementia is horrible, OP. It is quite common for people not to remember what has happened a few hours earlier.

I don't know what the relationship is between you and this lady, but I wonder if you're feeling bad about not being able to visit and projecting that onto concerns about her care?

Or perhaps you just haven't encountered anyone with dementia before and don't really know how it goes.

When care homes say they are "fine" it usually means just that they are fine they are not going to share everything with random visitors, which you were.

When they say she is “fine” they mean she is as expected.

dementia is a progressive disease and it will get worse. They mean it’s getting worse but it’s not suddenly got a lot worse.

This. Dementia is horrible and distressing. Fine in this context means something different to fine for a healthy 20 year old.

Oh, it's the Wassap Lady!

<<<<realisation dawns>>>>

Fine in this context means not physically deteriorating. My mum has Alzheimer's. I took her to hospital for cardiology tests and by the next day when my brother went round she'd forgotten she'd even seen me let alone left her house. Totally normal.

The what/who lady ?

This OP posts strange threads all the time, and the one which sticks in my mind is where she complains about a friend who blocked her on "Wassap".

Oh.😂

@Lomonald THIS

Unless you are NOK the home are under no obligation to share her personal medical information with you or act on your instruction. Dementia can affect memory and any viral or bacterial infection may worsen symptoms. Or maybe the cough is a side effect of medication. You sound very invested for just someone you know,

People with dementia will often not remember what they had for breakfast half an hour ago, never mind whether the doctor came a day or two ago.

And please remember, it’s no earthly ise trying to correct or argue with anyone with dementia. It only upsets them and/or makes them angry, and achieves precisely nothing. .

Is this the same lady you visited a while back and said you just found it upsetting because she didn't really know what was going on and you didn't feel she got anything out of you visiting?

I think you need to accept that someone with dementia is going to decline, and of course she might not remember if she saw the doctor or not. It's sad, but that's the nature of the illness.

I know they decline. My mu. Had dementia but died from a lung condition well before she declined from dementia

Then what’s your issue, it’s very unclear? There is a lady with dementia, which is progressing along the natural course of dementia. She has a cough, has likely been seen by a Dr, but due to the dementia cannot recall anything about it. It all sounds ‘as expected’ so not understanding your concern or what you are asking here?

The reason was because I felt the home were not being honest with me about how she was. When I asked how she was they said she was fine and that she had seen the doctor. On that basis I asked her how she was and that I was told she had seen the doctor but she didn't remember the doctor seeing her. This means she is not fine. I get that I am not next of kin and her sister is but when I last spoke to her sister she seemed unable to make practical decisions abd kept asking me what she should do. Before she went into the home I realised she was getting worse a d told the sister she should get the doctor to assess her again her sister said oh I hadn't thought of that I will sort that out. A month later she still had not sorted it out because she had been busy. What's the use of being next of kin and knowing her sisters dementia is declining and not treating it as urgent. The sister hardly visits her in the hime abd in fact they thought I was the sister which proves how little the sister goes because if sge went regularly they would know who she was and not think I was the sister.

Just because you are family doesn't mean you actually give a toss

Perhaps they didn’t realize that she forgot about the doctor. Unless they asked her I don't think they'd know.

What do you think the home gains by telling you she's fine when she's not?
They wouldn't have asked her every half an hour if she remembered the Dr came a couple of days ago, so they maybe they didn't know that she couldn't remember, if she'd suddenly forgotten how to eat or dress herself that would be significant, forgetting the Dr has been isn't really, where dementia is concerned, and even then, as much as you care, they're not allowed to discuss things in detail with you.
You have to be positive when talking to friends and relatives, as a pp said 'fine' is relative, it's that the person is generally ok but with expected symptoms or markers of their illness, eating, drinking, interacting as normal etc.