Why can’t I stop dwelling on small wedding details afterwards?

[icedlattesontap]

I got married last year and it truly was such a beautiful, special day. But I can’t seem to stop my mind from focusing on all the little things that didn’t quite match the vision I had.

For example, I really didn’t want children at the ceremony, but we ended up having close family’s kids there on the condition that if they made any noise, they’d be taken out. Of course, one of them started making sounds and it was distracting - I even turned around and gave a look like “please take them out,” which they then did, but it annoyed me.

Then there was the champagne tower. It was set up on this huge table and, in my opinion, just looked a bit odd. I’ve seen photos from other weddings since and keep thinking, “ugh, that’s what I wanted.” Although to be fair, it does look much better in the professional photos.

There were also some tables I’d specifically asked to have linen on, but they didn’t on the day. And the parasols I’d planned for were placed differently than I’d imagined. Altogether, the setup just didn’t fully match the picture I had in my head.

The night before was amazing, but it felt a bit rushed, so I didn’t get a chance to properly check the setup. I keep thinking that if I had, I might have been able to fix some of these details.

I know logically these are small, insignificant things, but I put so much time and effort into planning, and I think my perfectionist side just won’t let it go. When I look back on the day, I struggle not to focus on what wasn’t quite right - please talk some sense into me!

I'm not sure that striving for perfection is a great way to live your life - or trying to have that much control over situations or people. Also maybe concentrate on how the marriage is going rather than one day?

If you can find a way to have a laugh about it and talk about the good stuff that would be ace.

Having read some of the wedding day horror stories on here - it sounds like yours was rather lovely and obsessing over a bit of linen isn't here nor there.

it’s such a shame to look back with disappointment.

Can you instead think about anything positive that happened that was unexpectedly joyful? Eg your groom made a remark which told you how much he loved you. Or your bridesmaids gave you a gift that you treasure. Or your grandparent told you they were proud of you. Or it snowed or was unexpectedly sunny?

I think you need to do whatever it takes to adjust your mindset. I’d be very hurt if I discovered my spouse looked back on our wedding day with any negativity.

I know logically these are small, insignificant things

They are. And you also know that you can’t do anything about them now, so I think I would make a deliberate choice to stick them in a mental “minor irritations” bucket and just forget about them. Focus on what went right with the day and what you enjoyed. Otherwise, you do risk effectively rewriting your own history of the day to be something much less enjoyable than it was, which seems like a shame. (All this is easier said than done, I know - but I would make a concerted effort to do so.)

I had to arrange my wedding quite quickly and virtually nothing turned out as I planned/wanted, including a false eyelash starting to fall out as I walked down the aisle. So in the first lot of pictures I look like I’m winking.
Whatever was served at the meal had this ‘Jus’ on it. I could hardly eat and at some point the plate tipped - it obviously went all down the front of my dress.
Honestly it was a comedy of errors.
A good friend of mine had a beautiful designer dress it was so gorgeous. As she walked into her reception one kid had stuck his hand into a chocolate fountain, ran up to her and plonked his hand on the front of her dress. So it’s on all the pics. And still has the dress and her children love the story.
A couple I know got married in the same church a week later. They spent 10k just on flowers for the church, had a party planner. The groom was also a singer so serenaded the bride, and it was actually lovely. Everting, including the dress, cost a fortune. A fabulous wedding, but the marriage? Never lasted. And I’m not celebrating that I was very sad as the bride is lovely but the husband… not so much.
My dad was poorly when he walked me down the aisle. Now he’s no longer with me and I now see it as the last, best day we ever had together. By the way I got married later in life so I’m probably twice your age.
Your wedding anxiety is that - anxiety. I’d look around as to what is going on in your life right now. It’s possibly easier to fixate on a past occasion rather than to see where you are in life right now?

Totally understand. Its because you put so much work in and been focused on it.
We had a band that took over our wedding 25yrs ago and me and husband still annoyed about it but are able to roll eyes and laugh about it.
My mum and dads wedding cake (60 yrs ago) fell apart and my mum is still annoyed about that but we laugh about it.

Sometimes things aren't perfect, a marriage isnt perfect but if its 80% perfect you are winning!! Try and think of it that way!

What's the point? It's done. You can't go back and change it and tbh its all vry trivial its not like a disaster occurred like you ripped your dress or something. You're lucky enough to have had a what sounds like a big wedding. Nothing you've mentioned seems vaguely important. Move on. Stop wasting your energy on it.

There is so much build up to a wedding, or any big event. Afterwards, its common to feel a bit deflated. Some described it as a bereavement, because you go through similar phases of denial, anger etc.

I too had things which I reflected on after my wedding. The pew ends ribbons looked flat and frankly shit. In hindsight, I wouldn't have bothered with them. I very much doubt anyone else noticed. Years later, we met with DH's cousin who came, but lives abroad. There were some other minor niggles, but they didn't notice them at all. They said it was the best wedding they'd been to and had a brilliant time.

My biggest regret is not managing the photos better. We paid for a professional photographer and beforehand had asked for some family photos- with my mum, nan, brother, his wife etc. Due to bad weather, we had all pics inside and the time just flew. She spent SO much time getting pics of DH and me with the wedding party and we have absolutely none with family! I know this sounds ridiculous, but at the time, I assumed we'd be taking those later.

This will probably sound blunter than intended, but how's married life? Isn't that the bit that matters?

How is your marriage @icedlattesontap That's the thing to focus on.

If it helps you feel any better, the registrar called me by the wrong name!

Ahh everyone's replies are so lovely and making me well up.. and some laugh! Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I really need to shift my mindset and this has massively helped.

@Condbottle @GreenLeavesEveryday Married life is the best, my husband and I have so much fun together and he's an absolute gem. I've told him how I feel and he's of course sad that this is my mindset but genuinely so supportive and I really am conscious I want to be looking back at all the amazing parts, especially so he knows I did have the best day celebrating us!

I wonder if there is a reason why these things are bothering you OP? Do you generally find you dwell on negatives or things that have not gone well?

Consciously listing and thinking about some good and positive things might help ? You could even write them down to give you a focus.

I can be like this, but I have recently learnt about meta cognition.

When you catch your mind thinking or narrating these stories to yourself, you have to figuratively block them or shoo them away. Instead focus on something else to distract in the moment. It could be grounding (5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear), or gratitude, or thinking about the positives of that day.

I’ve read that ‘the brain that fires together, wires together’ - so the more often you think about it, the more entrenched it becomes. You have to basically train yourself not to keep ruminating on these thoughts.

Why you do this, is a whole other thing. Like me, it probably intrudes into all aspects of your life. Yes, perfectionism is part of it - and there will be many reasons for it. Perhaps it goes back to childhood? Praise only came if you were ‘perfect’ or things were so chaotic (scary) that having control of everything down to the last detail, stops the unexpected (scary) stuff happening.

See your awareness of this problem as a positive thing. If you take steps now to understand and gain control - it will benefit you in all sorts of ways for the rest of your life.

I too will obsess over really unimportant, insignificant details of things for years after an event so you have my sympathy op!

With this: think of it this way. If the only things you are tormented by re memories of your wedding are someone making a noise during the ceremony, the way the champagne tower looked, the lack of linen on some tables and the parasols looking different from how you had expected, you pulled off a really successful wedding day that was almost entirely perfect- because if not there would be so many more and bigger things for you to dwell on.

It's one day. The important bit is the actual marriage and what that represents. I think it's all too easy to get caught up in the whole "perfect dream wedding" and it's easy to fixate on little niggles because of the ridiculous amount of money being spent on a big party.

Focus on what was wonderful about it and what it was about and what it meant.

OP I feel you as I was exactly the same, woke up thinking about these things the next day and still do sometimes think about them years later. But so many people have told us how great the wedding was, several
said the best they’ve been to, and even recently we saw a lot of them again at another event and they were still saying it. I guess when you put so much effort in it’s disappointing when things don’t match your vision but nobody else would have really event known with most of these things. I do think I have a tendency to think in this way unfortunately.

I think the whole wedding industry is designed to make you feel exactly like this. With (35 years') hindsight, I'm really cross that I got sucked into it all, and it's only got worse since.

Nobody cares @icedlattesontap
At my mother's first wedding, 1960, she had a cigarette to calm her nerves before getting into the car. Gust of wind, hole in veil.
I ordered a large, blousy bouquet, roses, paeonies, delphinium, other bits. It was a shadow of my expectations. I just had to get on with it and gush. It photographed better than it looked.
DIL's mother broke her leg ten days before the wedding and spent most of it in a wheelchair.

It's all about expectations and nobody noticed I expect. I had a simple cake because I have never remembered anyone's cake. It was scattered with fresh flowers on a poxy lottle table in the corner of the room. Nobody will have noticed. Also, unbelievably temperatures hit 90 degrees on my wedding day and things wilted and jackets came off

People remember good food, flowing fizz, we had ladt minute barrels of beer and pimms laid on due to the temperature.

You just go with the flow. The things I'll never forget were the relaxed happiness, the music during the service and the sheer spirituality of the vows and blessing of the rings.

Remember the good stuff and if yiu plan another big event don't stress over fripperies, just over giving people a generous and good time.

I felt the same after mine. I felt like I'd spent nearly 2 years researching, planning and organising and several things went wrong including tumultuous rain just before leaving for the church so my beautifully waved hair was totally straight again and I looked like a drowned rat. My MIL had been difficult in the run up to the wedding and kept loudly complaining about everything on the day and turned up very late on purpose which delayed everything. Lots of little niggles about people I'd given specific jobs to forgetting to do them so things didn't run smoothly ie the ushers were supposed to ask people if they had spaces in their cars for people who weren't driving but forgot so I kept having guests coming up to me and asking who I'd organised to take them home etc. I'm known as being "an organiser" but on my own wedding day just give me a break and let me enjoy it FFS.

It was years ago and it did fade especially once I had children. The only thing I regret is that our photographer was awful and I hate just about all the photos, which is the only bit of the day that "lives on" years later. So if it's any consolation, if you like your photos (you mentioned they look good) that's great!

I would assume that there was something seriously lacking in your life right now, or that the marriage had turned out badly, for you to be focusing, a year on, on wedding table cloths or being annoyed that your friends didn’t take their children out before they made a noise.

I’d assume you were bored and miss the planning and excitement of it, hence why you are so focused. I’d advise maybe to try to find something more fulfilling for your mind to focus on.

Let it go, it could be worse.....One of our guests turned up with his floozy as his plus 1 not his wife and despite being in their late 40's, they acted like horny teenagers all night. That was the main focus of all the guests rather than me and DH and the only thing people remember 25 years later 🙄.

I totally understand. I had a covid wedding and then a re-do in 2023 and despite it being the best we could do with budget and circumstances, everyone was very complimentary, i can't stop thinking about everything that wasn't right. My husband and MoH always tell me that no one else noticed it was glaring to me.

For my parents' wedding the church burned down the week before, so they had to marry in one of a different denomination, and the hotel manager ran off with the money for the reception. It was only a chance conversation because my uncle's, girlfriend's sister worked at the hotel, that they realised the night before that the hotel weren't expecting to host a reception the following day. Staff stayed up all night to make it happen.

60 years on and it's a funny story. I've no idea what colour the bridesmaids' dresses were (only that Mum made them herself) or if there was any champagne, let alone a tower (which seems very unlikely).

I just think the whole thing has become ridiculous.

Once church and venues are booked, there's actually not much to organise and it can be done in six months.

Chose menu and wines
Order cake (we had a lady in the village)
Order flowers (we had a lady in the village)
Church flowers - liaise with the church flower ladies
Hymns, readings, music in and out (probably took longest)
Book choir
Order cars if having them - used family ones
Have invitations and orders of service printed - include directions and list of local hotels
Chose and buy frock and going away outfit
Chose and buy bridesmaid's frocks
Book photographer
Chose and order rings

Leave DH to sort out himself, ushers and honeymoon

It's a fairly standard formula and hadn't changed much when ds and dil got married a couple of years ago. They ditched favours and made a donation to charity instead. There was little stress and dil and her mum managed it.

I get it. Two years on and I still despise that my dress wasn’t fitted properly at the bust. Every time I see the photos it annoys me.

I think it’s just all so built up to be the perfect day and that you’ll never look more beautiful. So when it’s not perfect and you don’t look perfect you panic that that’s it. A wedding is the only event where you assume you’ll only ever do it once… other events you can learn from the first and do it better next time. But usually not weddings.