Hi all…bit of an insight to the main point. I’m underweight due to not eating properly (a problem I’ve had for years) doctor said I may have an underlying eating disorder. I’m not sure what it is but my mental health is very bad to the point I’m not working and struggle to get out the house, I guess that affects my eating by lack of motivation etc. I’m very insecure about my weight I struggle to look at myself in mirrors and feel ugly in my clothes…I would love to gain the weight I use to have back and I know the only way that’ll happen is if I eat but unfortunately it’s not that easy for me. Also just to add I’m considered vulnerable and have gotten into a lot of abusive/controlling relationships where people take advantage of me.
Anyways, last week my boyfriend said I should start working out…he said it’ll give me something to do and that it’ll make my health better (I think he suddenly wants a girl who works out). I’ve never been someone into going to the gym/working out and considering I’m underweight the last thing I want to focus on is working out, I need to gain weight. He bought it up again today, when he called me he said ‘have you been working out today’…I’m starting to feel pressure from him to workout and I feel the need to do it, possibly because I’m weak minded. It’s not something I want to do and considering I’m barely eating, to the point I get lightheaded and feel faint, I’m not sure it’ll have a good impact on my health but the comments he’s been making has made me feel the need to start doing it and I feel like I’m not fit.
Theres also other things he's said recently that have made me change myself. My hairs curly and he said how I should start straightening it, straight hair is better, everyone prefers straight hair over curly hair etc…so surprise surprise I’ve now started having it straight . Another example is I wanted to paint my bedroom pink, just to be expressive, he said how it’s childish and I need it white like a classy woman…so I’m now returning the pink paint I bought.
For the past few years I’ve been in abusive/controlling relationships, I’m not saying he’s abusive but from the little comments he makes I’m starting to feel like he doesn't love me for me and as if I’m being moulded into what he wants or almost as if I’m not good enough. Not sure what responses I’m expecting from this post, some people may suggest I leave him but for someone with poor mental health and a history of toxic relationships it’s not that easy. Just needed to let this out as I have nobody else to talk to.