How do you think your childhood has affected the rest of your life, whether it was good or difficult? TW: please avoid if this subject is triggering

[OnDaysLikeThese]

This is something that's of great interest to me, and that I often think about. I watched a prison documentary this week which really affected me, and made me feel very sad. I already knew that most people in prison have had troubled childhoods, and had heard the statistic that 8 out of 10 men in prison grew up fatherless. That fact alone is incredibly sad, and says so much about why people end up in a cycle of crime.

The vulnerability and stories of abuse etc of some of the men interviewed in the programme was heartbreaking, and while I'm not excusing their crimes, it's obvious why their lives have gone so astray. Drug and alcohol abuse (and other addictions) are closely linked to childhood trauma, and overcoming such trauma is extremely difficult. The psychological support needed is hard to find, especially without the financial means to access specialist therapy. Even then, there are no guarantees.

I have a chronic, debilitating health condition, for which there is no treatment, and I'm sure it's due to what happened in my childhood. My condition has ruined my life, which is so different from the life I wish I was leading. I'm not trying to sound like a victim, just stating a fact. I get some meaning and enjoyment from life, but I'm mainly extremely bored, and lonely. I live alone, which doesn't help, and really struggle to do the basics of life. My mind is full of life, but my body is the opposite, which is very frustrating. I long to be living life fully, being physically active, and with other people rather than being stuck at home on my own.

I have a level of acceptance, but wish that my life had turned out differently, and that I was able to contribute to society. I did voluntary work (while working) before I became ill, which I really enjoyed and found fulfilling. I miss my old life so much.

I'd be interested in reading about how other people think their childhoods, whether happy or troubled, have influenced their lives both in the past and present. Also how (or if) you've been able to turn things around and make a good and happy life if it was difficult.

Good childhood
It gave me self confidence
The ability to love freely
Optimistic
and very high benchmark for relationships

I grew up in filth and with the air full of cigarette smoke and cat hair and dander. As a result I was a mouth breather and as a result of that, my maxilla and facial bones didn't form properly. I still have trouble breathing through my nose because none of it formed properly and I had to have loads of my upper teeth out. My face is a mess and I would love to know what I would have looked like if Mum cleaned, we had no cats and she didn't smoke.

I went from chest infection to chest infection until I left home.

On the upside. Lack of parental input made me very self reliant early on in my life and I had what amounted to a feral childhood which was blissful.

If you have a DC and they are breathing through their mouth, do whatever you can to prevent it as there's no going back and sorting it out.

I had one abusive parent who made our home lives a misery (me especially, because I made the mistake of being born a girl), and yet put on a show of being a Top Parent in front of guests and anyone that we knew. We were very lucky in that he died when I was still at school. Somewhat sadly, my mother had a mentality of, "Don't make a fuss, do as you're told, go with the flow, and if you ignore the bad behaviour/name calling, they'll get bored and leave you alone". Needless to say, this didn't work at home or at school, where I was horrendously bullied, mainly for my appearance and "posh" accent. However, we were to retain a veneer of respectability, and so we did.

By the time I left school, I was a miserable and anxious mess, who didn't talk much, tried to avoid attracting attention, and I didn't like people very much. I did as I was told, so I drifted through A-Levels and a degree, landed myself a proper job, and then upset the applecart by having a breakdown. (That wasn't part of the family plan for me; next up, I was expected to marry a local boy, buy a house there, have children and stay there forever).

That breakdown was a blessing in disguise, even if I did feel like the Family Failure sometimes. It broke the rules. I started to say, "No"- and some people listened to it. I don't remember much, apart from, "I did as I was told, and it didn't make me very happy. Perhaps if I'd done what I'd wanted to do in the first place, I'll be happier"... so I did. I retrained, and managed to cram in a lot of work experience, which worked out well as I started to get offered jobs. I only applied for full-time jobs that were sufficiently far away and came with accommodation, which got me out of the area where I'd grown up (the kind of place where you couldn't go to the shop without bumping into a relative, and everyone knew your business).

It gave me a lot of breathing space for the first time. It gave me the chance to be an independent adult, which was stifled at home. I'm very lucky in that it's a beautiful, safe and rural area. My job doesn't require me to work with a lot of people. I'm happy in my own company, and will happily go and do things by myself. I do come up against people who think that girls/women aren't as good as boys/men... so I will work hard to prove them wrong, take them down if necessary, and encourage other girls/women to do the same. Nobody around here knows that I changed my name (unless I tell them), so I no longer have my so-called dad's surname... and that other family members followed suit. I have no interest in romantic relationships; in any case, I seem to attract the men who have controlling tendencies, and I'm not having that. My confidence isn't sky-high, but it's OK. I still have anxiety, which is sometimes medicated (this wasn't encouraged by my family, because everyone else can manage, so why can't I?), but on the whole, I'm happier, and I'm glad about that.

These days, some family members have told me that actually, I did the right thing in doing what I wanted to do, and that they'd like to do the same, if only it wasn't for work, elderly relatives, worrying about not making friends in a new area, etc. I do wonder if they'll end up stuck around there forever, but we'll see!

I had a poor working class childhood with a violent father who beat me for the least wrong word. I hated the way my mother bowed down to him as "the breadwinner", Although I have since met men I liked and admired as individuals, I grew up hating men as a species. I never had a romantic relationship with a man that lasted. I never met a man that I would want to spend my life with. I am still single, childfree and glad I made that decision.

I was abused by a neighbour/friend's dad from 13. I comfort eat now. I'm pretty sure this is the reason. My daughter is 14 and I'm very cautious with what she does. Luckily for her and me, she's a homebody.

Alcoholic parents. Abusive father, bully of a mother, bullied at school because of my parents, tried to tell teachers who laughed and said Oh but your mum and dad are lovely!

They looked lovely, they had nice middle class jobs and we had a beautiful house and nobody believed they could be abusive.

Never any respite from being bullied, hungry, cold and having to care for my siblings.

So I left as soon as possible and of course I ended up with men exactly like my father. One much older, who trafficked me, when I was in my 20s.

I was an addict, homeless, worked on the streets, when I managed to get away from him.

My parents have no idea about any of this, I won't tell them, because they wouldn't believe me, and wouldn't care if they did. (I've lived a long way from them for a long time.)

My mum died when I was 8, my dad remarried and while he still loved us, the relationship changed and became distant. Until that point, all my extended family were from my mum’s side and once my dad remarried and we moved house they all drifted away to the point we completely lost touch.
As a result, I have severe trust issues. I don’t expect anyone to stick around, never delegate anything to anyone, never let anyone get close and never ask for help.
Luckily I met my husband when I was 17 before the walls really went up otherwise I doubt I’d ever have got married and had a child.
My husband is also severely affected by his childhood in different ways and we’ve spent the last 20 years ensuring that our son’s childhood is completely different.

Emotionally neglectful childhood. Toxic mother. Lots of nastiness around the home. Poverty.

My life has been messy tbh! I met my husband at age 19 & he was exactly like my Dad (emotionally distant)

Wish I had therapy in my 20s. But I didn't even realise I wasn't "okay" until my 30s

I had a weird view of marriage & relationships. And a horrible tendency to seek validation from men by flirting (never sex!) because I've never experienced unconditional love. Makes me cringe so much now. I physically recoil.

Many years later and I still ruminate on shite from my 20s. When things were good I used to find a way to self sabotage.

and now I'm parenting a teenager I can't believe how I was treated!

My therapist said women with my background tend to fall into sex work or drugs. I'm so lucky I didn't 💐

My husband & I worked together through our individual baggage & childhood traumas and reconnected. ❤️

My father was physically and emotionally abusive to me. He had multiple affairs and my mum took him back each time. He also had a gambling addiction and run up thousands of pounds worth of debt. My dad hit me until I was in my early 20’s and moved out.
it 100% shaped how I see men and I truly believe I chose many wrong men in my 20’s because I thought love was meant to be painful. I didn’t know how to treat someone normally and a row would escalate in my relationships over a choice of paint colour or something simple.
I don’t know how I was lucky enough to meet my husband and he somehow saw the best in me. He is calm and kind and taught me what it was meant to feel like. Yes we have had our own problems and it’s not perfect but it’s a damn sight closer to perfect than my parents relationship was.
I don’t speak to my parents now, they hold no accountability

I am a terminal people pleaser and hypervigilant to disapproval/others' moods to boot, which I attribute to my childhood. I believe my mum loved us very much, but very volatile and emotionally immature, as well as never holding back if she felt disappointed by me in some way, always making it clear that I could/should have done better/tried harder etc. I was always on the lookout for when she might explode or lay into my father, or burst into tears. I know she had her own trauma growing up, and firmly believe she had some kind of personality disorder. Like so many of you, when I was older I ran right into the arms of someone exactly like her...

Such sad posts.

I grew up in a one parent family (father left when I was very young never to be seen again) with a lovely mum and an older sister.
My sister was twice my size growing up, and she bullied me for years, and I mean real physical bullying.

As a result it taught me never to be bullied as an adult, and I never will be, so some good did come of it.

From birth to the first week of my O levels it was always on a spectrum of more than good enough to very, very good.

Then it suddenly became anything but. The version of both my parents before it all went bent… disappeared. The people who were divorcing honestly forgot they were parents I think. Or we were relegated to weaponry status in their heads, rather than being real, actual humans. As long as we could be used to harm to other spouse, any injury we got upon impact did not seem to feature in any equations.

It all got very dark for a number of years and I spiralled down fast into homelessness, tettering on the edge of the sex industry and very ambivalent about being alive.

I’d throw myself into an active volcano if it meant my son never had to experience anything like that.

But without me going through it he would not exist. I would not be here where I am with this man and our boy.

The chances of being born at all are vanishingly small. So I won weeks of lotteries all at once by getting to be born at all. Everybody has life rain. I accept mine had to happen back then, for my here and now to be the way it is.

I’ve either become very philosophical as I’ve aged or my HRT has been doing some major overtime. Because for many decades I carried the ghost of the girl I was with me everyday, trying to parent her out of pain with .. ectoplasm or something. But not now. The biggest shift happened when I had a session of sistemic coaching. Sounded very woo and I expected nothing more than rolling my eyes by the end of it. But she (the coach) helped me put the last of the burden down, because it was never mine to carry.

I grew up with a narc mum and an abusive dad, alongside the golden child, rarely allowed to leave the house, neither parent worked so we were always cooped up together. On top of that, I’ve had to deal with two sides of extended family who clearly hated each other, and naively thought I wouldn’t know/find out that they were each essentially playing me off against the other side for years.

By age 12, I’d had enough and ran away, only to move from one abusive (physically and mentally) family home to another, and eventually landed in foster care. First placement broke down, the second I was lucky enough to be settled in until I became an adult.

I’ve spent my life feeling inadequate, suffering a plethora of mental health issues which led to constant rumination. Even going no contact hasn’t made it stop. Then I found out I am neurodivergent.

I have my own little family who I am trying my best to love and protect with all my might, while holding back the decades of generational trauma I have had dumped on me. They’re literally all I have.

Good childhood with great parents, a few difficult parts. Helped me be not too affected by experiece of early extended hospitalisation

Only downside: think it made me a bit conflict avoidant and too scared of being or witnessing anger as my parents kept conflict away from us, and my mum generally capitulated to my dad's temper to keep the peace and compromise.

Upsides:
Confident in myself to a realistic degree
Happy with how I look (I'm not a supermodel at all, but that's fine)
Don't seek validation from other people
Don't compare myself to other people
Did well academically

Horrendous childhood, both mother and father were extremely physically and psychologically abusive—no food for days, no beds to sleep in. I left home at 16 to get away from it all. I feel my life has been blighted, and I cannot love or be loved. I found out that my mother died just this morning. I will not be going to her funeral.

I'm so sorry some people had such crap starts to life.🙁
Honestly I had lovely parents and a pretty supportive extended family. But I was bullied consistently the whole time I was at school and didn't have any friends.
I'm not sure now if I was a born introvert or if preferring my own company was a coping technique. Meh....I'm happy enough by myself!😆

Nothing as bad as some PP’s but I had a neglectful childhood. Both my parents were intensely interested in themselves and each other with no interest whatsoever in myself or my brother. That only got worse when they ended up having a very nasty divorce when I was 16.

The impact it has had on me as an adult? I’m very independent, quite closed off from people. I met DH when I was only 18 and his warmth and stability was amazing. I behaved badly, tried to push him away many times, but he stuck with me and proved to be my constant.

We got married and I told him that if he marries me, he’ll never be able to divorce me as I’ll never put my children through what I went through. Also, if we have children, they will always come first, before him. He agreed and we’ve been married with kids for a long time. We are as solid as ever.

I have done everything I can to ensure my kids have everything I didn’t. They are told daily how much I love them. I know them inside and out. Have long conversations with them about their lives, their friends, current affairs etc every day after school. This all may sound obvious, and what all parents do, but it couldn’t be further from my upbringing.

I grew up with a controlling narcissist of a mother and a nice dad who spent too much time in the pub (probably to escape from her).

I grew up with zero confidence or self esteem due to her continually telling me not to appear bold or forward.

She controlled my life even after I married and moved away.
The only time I've been truly happy is since she died.

Mine was a childhood of two (concurrent) halves.

On one hand, we were a stable family in terms of finance and lifestyle. My parents were well-educated. "They took us to stately homes" and many day trips, house was bursting with books, creative pursuits were encouraged, we had the freedom common in the 70s and 80s of being able to 'play out' - we had a large garden and a detached house.

On the other hand, my father had a terrible temper and my parents' marriage behind the scenes was cold and distant. I am autistic (this was not diagnosed until adulthood, for which I don't blame my parents as there was little awareness of it in those days). I was heavily physically punished for some behaviours relating to my autism - unexplained meltdowns, inability to sleep, refusal to eat or wear certain things, being 'cheeky' (i.e. factual when this wasn't appropriate).

My parents were hoarders, the house was always in a state, our clothes were not very well looked after. My parents were quite arrogant in their views, believing they were very good parents, always right, no other way of life was right. Again, as was not uncommon for the times, children and their wishes came bottom of the pile.

Aside from that, I was constantly bullied at school. I keep saying this, but, common for the era, there was no real support from teachers, you just got told to 'stay out of their way' or not to 'tell tales' if you complained. Stay out of their way - very helpful when they're following you around. 🙄

So I have grown up as quite an anxious, people-pleasing type, sometimes over-suspicious, sometimes naive and unable to recognise toxic behaviour. I have struggled with heavy drinking at times. I am not particularly successful despite high academic achievement, as I struggle with the unwritten rules of the workplace. I always half-feel someone is going to start shouting at me or hitting me, or that I might blissfully be doing something that is 'wrong' without realising - and those things have happened to me as an adult.

But on the other hand, I have pleasure from the literary and creative habits learned from my parents, and they were 'there for me' at difficult times as an adult, until their own health deteriorated. I have happy memories of holidays and day trips, of my parents reading to me and telling me stories.

So, definitely 'two halves' one quite idyllic, the other a nightmare and I suppose my adulthood has followed a similar pattern.

This is really triggering but very moving too.
I had a difficult childhood. Was emotionally abused for years. Physical abuse too but this was nothing in comparison and not severe. But my childhood was incredibly hard and as a result I’ve never been able to have a romantic relationship bar a couple of unsuccessful brief tries. I believe my upbringing and the resulting trauma impacted everything else in my life.

I also believe that I wasn’t able to earn or be a homeowner because of how damaged I was. I had to leave school young. I didn’t know anything about security or buying a home- I felt nothing like this was ever in my frame of reference. No holidays. I didn’t have a holiday for 10 years. I’ve never learned to drive. I’ve always felt like The Little Matchgirl, pressing my face up to the window of other happy families whilst I accept that I will never taste that security or belonging.

I’ve had a lot of loneliness and despair. I try to get through it but I lost the chance of having a partner. I’m ok now but I’m old. I’m a foster carer. I’ve always looked after others.

i have three siblings and they are also long term single. They are also very unpleasant and unhappy people and I believe it stems from what we went through as children. They are actually awful to me but I can see why this is. They were never given any model of kind familial interactions. Two have been in prison for violent acts towards ex partners.

To be specific about my childhood there were mental health issues, some violence, dishonesty and alcoholism. As well as practical and financial difficulties that affected every aspect of
my life. I truly feel that my life was blighted and has been so so hard.

im sorry to read all the other stories on this thread and to see how many people are similarly impacted. I can’t bring myself to read many of the posts because it affects me so much. But I’m sorry for all of us.

Narcissistic and violent father and a mother who, on reflection, had serious issues with her MH probably stemming from an abusive mother herself. She was enormously controlling and absolutely favoured my brother ("such a placid little boy")

The physical abuse from both of them was probably just past the limits of what was acceptable parenting at the time and I lived in fear of them both through the early years of my life. I was a troublesome child with a very strong sense of righteousness, an uneasy mix with such controlling parents. I often felt pushed out and as if I didn't belong, and was frequently made to feel that I wasn't good enough, particularly next to my brother.

I left home at 18 and cannoned around for a bit having a series of unsuitable relationships with mostly older men. I've also drunk heavily during periods of my life, it was only the fact I recognised my horribly addictive personality in time that I didn't end up using drugs as well.

DS is 22 and the absolute best achievement of my life. However there were often times when I wished I'd never had him, as the fear of repeating my parents mistakes was so great. I second guessed everything and it's only now that he's an adult I realise that actually I did well (tellingly I did the absolute opposite of the way I was raised in every aspect of his childhood) I feel I've used parenting as therapy in a way, and the fact it's turned out well reinforces that my parents were wrong.

I've been with DH for around 20 years. He has been calm and kind, anchored me through my stormier episodes and shown me what a kind and loving relationship should look like. He's really quite unwell now and I'm losing him slowly day by day, I'm heartbroken and a little afraid of how I will cope when left to my own devices with no calming hand on my shoulder. I'm super independent and solitary, so don't have a huge back up of friends around me. While this is fine for me now, I ponder how it will go in the future.

Goodness me- I was worried about my post just now because it reads so obviously as about me and I wouldn’t want anyone to identify me from this. And then I read your post and it could be written about my family. Every word of it. I’m sorry that you went through the same. The stately homes and haughtiness just don’t balance it out do they?

Some of these are horrific to read. I’m so sorry to you all that experienced this.

I think it affected my life so greatly. I'm so angry and sad at just how much damage it has done.

All I can try and do is stay sane for my babies x

I grew up in a house of domestic abuse who had two parents more interested in the drink than me. I was living between mum and dads, then nan, then mum (when they split up) then dad, then mum, then nan, then mum, then dad then I finally moved out when I was 18 still in 6th form and pregnant. Had ds when I was in upper sixth, took him to school with me daily for the last month, then started uni when he was 2 1/2 months old. I graduated 3 years later.

I craved attention from men when younger and was promiscuous. I just wanted to feel loved.

I've severe anxiety and bipolar. My psychiatrist doesn't think having therapy and opening old wounds will be beneficial right now.

dc are now 26 and 21. Both with different dads, but
i have a good relationship with them both. I've been in. Long term relationship for 8 years. It turned me into a good parent as I knew what a bad parent looked like. Both my dc have done well ones graduated the other is doing his masters.