How do you think your childhood has affected the rest of your life, whether it was good or difficult? TW: please avoid if this subject is triggering

[OnDaysLikeThese]

This is something that's of great interest to me, and that I often think about. I watched a prison documentary this week which really affected me, and made me feel very sad. I already knew that most people in prison have had troubled childhoods, and had heard the statistic that 8 out of 10 men in prison grew up fatherless. That fact alone is incredibly sad, and says so much about why people end up in a cycle of crime.

The vulnerability and stories of abuse etc of some of the men interviewed in the programme was heartbreaking, and while I'm not excusing their crimes, it's obvious why their lives have gone so astray. Drug and alcohol abuse (and other addictions) are closely linked to childhood trauma, and overcoming such trauma is extremely difficult. The psychological support needed is hard to find, especially without the financial means to access specialist therapy. Even then, there are no guarantees.

I have a chronic, debilitating health condition, for which there is no treatment, and I'm sure it's due to what happened in my childhood. My condition has ruined my life, which is so different from the life I wish I was leading. I'm not trying to sound like a victim, just stating a fact. I get some meaning and enjoyment from life, but I'm mainly extremely bored, and lonely. I live alone, which doesn't help, and really struggle to do the basics of life. My mind is full of life, but my body is the opposite, which is very frustrating. I long to be living life fully, being physically active, and with other people rather than being stuck at home on my own.

I have a level of acceptance, but wish that my life had turned out differently, and that I was able to contribute to society. I did voluntary work (while working) before I became ill, which I really enjoyed and found fulfilling. I miss my old life so much.

I'd be interested in reading about how other people think their childhoods, whether happy or troubled, have influenced their lives both in the past and present. Also how (or if) you've been able to turn things around and make a good and happy life if it was difficult.

Some beautiful comments here. Feel for all of you.

My childhood was very mixed. My parents loved me, but that wasn't clear at quite a few points as they were and are emotionally immature. Constant arguing and tension in the house. Any small thing could cause a major meltdown/eruption from my mum in particular which would go on for days, and my father veered between being the victim and apparently deliberately provoking her feelings. The meltdowns were extreme rage, screaming and sometimes physical, and huge dramatic crying jags. Over and over the same topics again and again. Neither of them ever had any friends or liked people much and we never really did anything social outside grandparents, and I grew up socially awkward.

I can remember holding my mum's hand on the beach and making her laugh as a little girl, and her gently talking to me about university options and telling me I was capable of anything. I can also remember her screaming at me on many occasions that she wished I'd never been born and that my birth had ruined her life. I can remember vividly crying upstairs after she'd locked my father out, with him pleading me to let him in and her instructing me not to. And my father on one occasion pinning me against a wall by my throat when I was about 15.

It was worst when I was a teen. I was the odd one at school - socially unskilled, had to have the haircut and clothes my mum selected and wasn't allowed anything remotely fashionable, and there were odd things about me like not being allowed to have friends round or to wear non-uniform on non-uniform days that I never felt able to honestly explain to peers. In combination with also being quite clever, speccy and having braces, I was roundly shunned and picked on by the whole school and teachers simply seemed to expect it. And then I went home and was picked on there for wanting to see friends, for being clumsy, for normal teenage stuff. I didn't feel welcome or safe anywhere.

My parents frequently read my diary, in which I wrote about feeling devastated that nobody liked me, and in the heat of arguments said things to me like "you're selfish and stupid, that's why nobody at school likes you." I read a few pages of that diary recently and it was so painful as an adult to realise that they had read it and that was their reaction - I didn't put two and two together at the time. I can't imagine treating a child that way.

I moved out as soon as I possibly could and barely spoke to them while I was at university. Our relationship is better now, we've never really spoken about any of this but it's been alluded to with something that approached apology. I'm still socially awkward (though I mask it but at some cost), I don't handle rejection well at all and I'm a worrier. I have often wondered whether I and my parents have some neurodivergence, or whether I'm a product of my environment.

I attribute the fact that I didn't totally go off the rails to my two closest friends at school, who were and are incredible, understanding, funny women, and to my nan and grandad who modelled a warm, loving, welcoming home where children were treasured. I haven't had any children of my own and that's very much due to my own childhood experiences - and like OP I have a long-term health condition that I've wondered if childhood stress played a part in.

Sorry, this thread has been static for a few days, but I've never told anyone most of that before and it feels really cathartic.

Violent dad, chaotic home life, severely bullied at school because of my appearance, sexually assaulted by a friends dad age 7, home invasion when I was ten by 6 men that I barely escaped. Definitely contributed to anxiety, poor mental health over the years and low self esteem. I’m very mistrustful of men, anxious and I’m always anticipating some kind of disaster. That said I’ve got a good level of education, a decent job, a nice husband and children.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.

My mother certainly did that to me. It has blighted my life and I will never repair the damage. However...

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

I'm badly conflicted by, on the one hand, the lifelong pain, anger and bitterness that she caused. On the other hand, both she and her older brother got away from their mother as early in their lives as possible (I should say that my Grandfather was marvellous and I really wish he had lived much longer).

I had a fairly happy childhood. No major trauma but I was a bit of an introvert. I think today I may have been labelled as ND but being bright led me to a successful professional career.

Having a happy home and parents that gave love unconditionally.

Adulthood has been a bit of a rollercoaster, health wise but my solid childhood gave me the coping abilities required to navigate it.

I feel very sorry for many of the current younger generation. Whether it is down to parenting or their expectations they do seem to struggle with adversity.

Me, I have the benefit of experience and know that there is often no cure or solution. You just have to make the most of the cards you’re dealt.

Some of these stories are so sad.

My childhood was really easy and comfortable. Parents worked hard but managed to be extremely present in our lives. They instilled a “You can do anything” approach in us and gave us the resources to try and resilience to deal with the challenges and/or failure that came. They always put us first but we also saw how in love they were.
My upbringing has massively shaped how I parent and how I deal with life in general. I’ve had some very shit times in my adulthood but I always had the safety net of my parents, both emotionally and financially.
By the time they died, they’d set me up in every way possible. I am so lucky to have had them.

My parents argued a lot - nothing abusive, but I always felt like they didn't like each other that much. I was always worried and stressed at the weekends because they'd argue. I ignored it more as a teen. My mum was always very negative, always pointing out errors, always told me what I had done wrong. I felt like I was always being told off for something, even on nice days I always felt I was doing something wrong. She would often not talk to me for a couple of days at a time, but I wasnt naughty at all, a bit forgetful and i sometimes struggled to follow lots of instructions, but I always felt sad as I could never work out what I had done that was so bad.

Anxiety, terrible lack of confidence and low self esteem lasted well into my thirties. On the plus side, I am a very positive parent. I encourage our dc to try things, praise them when they have done well or given something a go, remind them of all the things they are good at and the things that make them nice people. They are confident, happy and secure.

Shit upbringing , abusive alcoholic parents and grandparents who more or less supported it. It’s bizarre to me. The flats we lived in always ended up disgusting, there was domestic violence on the regular, I kept a broken broom under my bed for safety.

I legged it at 16. Wild looking back but I had so much confidence and no fear the day I left. There were attempts to repair the relationship but a long story short, I cut ties.

My dad died from the alcoholism eventually. My mum is forever seen outside pubs still.

I’m pretty much teetotal now, after a binge that went horribly wrong. I realised I couldn’t be anything like them.
i have issues with letting people in my house. It’s perfectly tidy and the opposite of what I was brought up in , but I’m convinced someone will think it’s awful, nothings good enough.

however that is minimal scarring. I don’t feel like I missed out on a decent parenting because I didn’t know what that was

i do everything in my power to be the opposite of my parents. Didn’t fail me and I’m proud.

1970s latch key kid. Was left home alone when ill with parents visiting at lunch time. (From 7) No central heating, cold. Smacked. Mainly left to get on with it and not a huge amount of affection when they were there. Certainly not from dad. (Probably autistic) Had to make do with one school skirt all the way through secondary school. Didn't have fashionable clothes. No jeans for example when others had them. Hand me downs from boy cousins. Had to do homework in front of the telly. Never learned to study. (Poorer grades Learned to be independent and not ask for help. Don't believe anyone will help. Expect to be let down. Can't rely on people. Don't feel like I am worthy of being loved or given stuff. DV relationship as adult)

Food was grim. (Apart from breakfast) Sometimes made to eat off food if dad couldn't taste it was off as he couldn't smell taste well. Was rationed food. (Can "magic chicken" now and don't see myself as worthy of good food and can make resources stretch. I have to have a lot of food at home. Kids are told they never have to eat stuff they don't like. They have free access to food mostly, may have to hold back a bit until I get to the supermarket occasionally but mostly get the best. I will go without some stuff to let them have it. I will eat food that is past it's best. Can't throw stuff away that's in the turn until it is properly off. lots of issues around food. Will eat everything that is available nearly to the point of being sick)

Undiagnosed autistic, bullied at school and by neighbours from 8-18

Had sensory issues due to autism with no accommodations. (Kids get accommodated and got diagnosed earlier)

Dad was most likely autistic too, little social interaction out of the house. Very few friends. (Don't know how to socialise )

Dad threw my stuff away. (Can't throw stuff out very easily)

Dad was rigid in his behaviour. One way to do stuff. His way or the wrong way. He was emotionally distant due to his poor childhood (orphaned,) He would shut down for days and not talk to anyone after a row with mum. She tried to keep him onside) He was volatile. I have trouble regulating emotions. I tell my kids it's not their fault if I am having an autistic meltdown. I tell them it's not their job to keep me happy. I have named their emotions.

Had mumps very badly. Dr coming everyday.

Hypermobile so writing difficult and got in trouble for it sometimes. (One teacher in primary was good) Was dismissed by drs. Very late diagnosis after 30 years)

Sexually abused by sports coach as a teenager. (Really careful about DD, worry about her badly)

Probably fucked up my kids by being a disabled single parent of disabled kids. Done my best with shit resources but regret not being able to provide better. (And the teenager lets me know about that often, and loudly)

Very naive mother
Functioning alcoholic father- street angel house devil.

Deep distrust of people
Know looks can be deceiving

Tough childhood - my father was murdered when I was 9 and as the eldest of 3 I grew up overnight as I had to support my mother with the other kids. We got through it and as an adult I'm very resilient as I know you can survive and thrive despite the worst life can throw at you.

Dad alcoholic
mum mentally ill
split when I was 11 and mum went on to get a very abusive partner
dad remarried a woman he had been dating for weeks
Can’t have a normal, lucid conversation with either of them, and have never been able to really - they’re both ‘odd’, highly confrontational and very awkward.
I also ended up with a very high level chronic health condition which has had a significant impact on my quality of life and requires a lot of maintenance for me not to become seriously (life/death) ill.
I also ended up with a near constant panic sensation, palpitations, catastrophic thinking and a longstanding belief that something very bad is always just round the corner. I find it hard to truly relax and stay very busy to avoid down time and ‘thinking’ time.

I’m the black sheep of a huge amount of siblings. I developed the thickest skin as a small child. I have somewhat built my own empire of brilliant people who I love and am loved back by.
i think i saw and experienced how to do it wrong and was avowed to not repeat the cycle.
some of my siblings are now dealing with angry horrible OAPS. I’m not. I give them what I want when it suits me- works for me.

My dad died when I was 6. From what I can tell my parents hadn't had the best relationship
(Mum claimed once she would have divorced him of he hadn't died, which I doubt as she very much looked looked down on divorcees.) My mum suffered with complicated grief forever after, my much older sister turned narcissistic and I was left to get on with it. My sister had always been jealous of me and my mother never really challenged it.

Two years later my sister left for university and I was left with mum. Whatever my sister did wrong I got a lecture about as she couldn't stand up to her. I spent my teens trying not to upset her as I had enough lectures anyway.

She was very controlling as she was all about appearances. So I had to go to church every week without fail, up into my 20s. House was always a show home (mine isn't, I couldn't stand it). There was no way I could have had a teenage rebellion. She was also mortally offended that I was a nail biter, shaming me to her friends. She was not impressed that a pharmacist she spoke to about it suggested not all was well at home as what could that be (dead parent, grieving mother and awful sister not affecting me at all, obviously).

Someone we knew when I 20ish kept touching me up. I couldn't do anything as I'd been taught not to upset people. Mum knew but treated it as a joke, even engineering an opportunity to have us in a room together, alone.

I could go on. I'm anxious these days, believe everyone will leave and trust no one. Have no contact with family. No self belief. Keep away from men. Desperately home my dd's life will be better.