If you have young children, do you ever get to ‘relax’ at home?

[birdsinginthedawn]

It’s the end of the two week ‘holiday’ and I’m exhausted 😅 I have to say I don’t feel as drained as I did after Christmas so that’s something but … I am wondering at what point I’ll be able to chill out and relax in my own home?

Children are five and two (three in midsummer) and while I can sometimes do something in one room while they play in another it’s interspersed with crash, scream, mummyyyyyy, reports that the two year old is ‘not sharing’, they are playing together better but there’s still a lot of frustration and drama.

They tend to be better out of the house so we’ve done a lot of activities which helps the days go by but kind of doesn’t help with the not feeling very relaxed thing.

I guess I’m wondering at what point are your children around but you can relax and do something , like read a book or watch a TV show?

Mine are same sort of age and yes, it’s crash/scream/MUMMY every 5 seconds. I’m being driven demented by the fighting. Who knows when we will get to just read a book or drink a cup of coffee without leaping up every 5 seconds!

When your youngest is about 5 or 6 maybe? That's when mine started playing better together, or would settle with having the same film on the TV without making me watch it too. They still fight a fair bit but I definitely get hour stretches now and again. They're later primary aged now but only 18 months between them.

I still can’t and mine are 5 and 7. We let them watch tv on weekends and holidays a few hours so during that time it’s chill - but even then they’ll sometimes yell that the other one is not taking turns in selecting programs etc. They always hang out in the living room area too, so we are basically always together in the same space. We try to do activities too, but now the issue starts to be that 7yo says he’s not interested in a lot of things we propose. I feel like the most chill time I get is dividing and conquering- so going somewhere with one child only. And making sure I get child free time regularly as well - which has proven to be surprisingly difficult!

Yes, once they're asleep...

But in seriousness, I think from the age of 4/5 mine have been able to play nicely with a friend of the same age for an hour plus without intervention. 2 is too little for that still, but it does come.

At 6 and 10 I can now sometimes read a book for a little while if the youngest is engrossed in something. But I have to sit in the same room as them as I am still needed a lot. For instance even the 10yo struggles to open snack packets and put straws in drinks (he has dyspraxia). And the 6yo likes to do a lot of crafting so is always asking where the scissors/glue/pens are. Truly being able to relax still feels a few years away, but just being able to drink a warm cup of tea feels like its own miracle when I think back to the toddler years!

I need to add that now I do get to have a cup of coffee while it’s hot, so the intensity is less by these ages. But, I will need to be ready at all times to sort out fights, help the youngest in toilet, get the paper and pencils, give a drink..all that. So can’t go to my bedroom and just read unless my partner is there with the kids. And I do find the chaos they create quite tiring.

We have the same age children and have exactly the same. I recon it’ll be a while until I can relax with a hot drink or book, maybe when the youngest is 5 or 6.

You are on the cusp of it beginning to change! Or at least it did in my case. I have a similar age gap and it was the summer after DD started reception and I took her, DS (just 3) and one of DD’s friends whose mum had a childcare emergency out for the day and, when we went to the shop at the attraction for an ice cream at lunchtime, they had a small selection of books for some reason and I bought one and spent some time that afternoon reading it! We then had that friend of DD’s one day a week for the rest of the holidays. Her mum is forever grateful to me for solving her childcare issue but I am the one who is grateful to her as there was something about the dynamic which meant the three of them just played really well. This was a decade ago and I still remember it vividly so you can see what an impression it made!
So you will begin to get glimpses of it. Sadly, when it happens and how long it will last are never predictable and I always had the dilemma of whether to just sit & chill or do some mundane task which I’d been meaning to do for years.
Two tips - what childcare do you use for your youngest? If he can continue to go to childcare over the school holidays and you just have time with your eldest, you might be surprised at how independent she is. Secondly, as I experienced, other people change the dynamic. From that summer on, days out with friends turned into the children running around together having fun and us mums sitting & chatting and just having to intervene on the odd occasion.

No! Neither of us relax at home when the children are awake. It's a constant string of requests for stories to be read, games to be played, paper and pens, drinks, snacks, to look at something, referee a dispute over who had something first, find something or to move the cat who's sitting 10ft away and asleep but might still look their way.

The poster from the other day who spends 30 mins watching TV and drinking her coffee and was accused of being lazy has no idea what's coming 🤣🤣

Yes … no one tells you how often your arse has to leave a seat. Up and down. Down and up. Sigh.

Frustratingly, DDs childcare is Mondays and Fridays so she went the first Monday of the holiday and the last Friday but then it was closed Good Friday and Easter Monday. We’ll also be hit on May half term. It is frustrating as I have to work Mondays but it is what it is I guess.

I suppose you need to start."training" (for want of a better word) your DCs from a young age, OP.

It's only retrospectively that I can see that I could have made my life easier a lot earlier if I had taught my DCs to understand and appreciate that my time and attention is also important for me, not just them.

Sometimes in the thick of it, you can't see the wood for the trees, and I just got swept along with it. I see this with my DGC now, who talks so much! As in, rarely stops. I am trying to teach him that sometimes I need quiet, that I don't need or want a constant running commentary of every thought that crosses his mind, or everything he does. I do this kindly, though, and choose my words carefully.

I grew up in the 70s and remember vividly being told to be quiet at about the age of 3, when I wanted to talk to my mother, and she would be either reading or watching TV after I'd come home from play school. Looking back, it made me sad that she didn't want to engage with me.

Your DCs have each other though for company. Maybe you could just start with an expectation that you get 10 minutes to yourself, and explain that you want them to be kind and play nicely while you're in the next room, without them shouting you / interrupting you.

This is what I woukd do if I had my time again, and build it up gradually.

I dont know that it works actually @PhaseFour , mostly because their idea of time is not great at this age. So you can ask for ten minutes quiet and certainly my ds will nod then start talking thirty seconds later. (I could use a timer but honestly that feels somewhat clinical and rather cold, somehow.)

Plus, kids don’t understand nuance well so the distinction between don’t disturb mummy to come and tell me DD isn’t sharing and come and tell me DD needs a poo is not great. (I remember taking my Y2 teacher very literally when she said not to interrupt when she was reading with other children and vomited everywhere - ‘why on earth didn’t you tell me … well you said …’)

It IS getting easier; I’m holding onto that!

Mine are 6, 4 and 1. The 6 and 4 year old can play quietly without bothering me although it's not guaranteed and if one or both of them are tired or in a bad mood then there'll be constant interruptions. My one year old is actually quite good at playing independently but needs someone keeping an eye on her as our house isn't very baby proof.

Mine are 4 years apart, the turning point was around 3 and 7, and now they’re just 4 and 8 they play non-stop.
I’d say the rest:referee ratio is about 5:1 now.

I only have one but DS is 7 in the summer and I can definitely relax while he’s doing something now. Obviously there are times when he wants me to join in, which is fine, but he can be quite self-sufficient. I wouldn’t watch my own TV programme (unless it was sport) but I can easily read a book or potter off and do some exercise.

At those ages when they go to bed.

It's a lot easier to achieve outside of the home somehow.

At home for dinner our son will hop down and run off to do some Very Important Playdough. Out in a pub, he'll likely sit there for a good hour people watching, chatting and drawing.

And somehow on the plane home from holiday, we spent about 50% of the flight reading (albeit he had unlimited TV for that, and played peekaboo with the girl in front).

When mine were that little, they were in bed 7ish so I could relax in the evening! They were early risers and pretty full on all day so I needed a few hours peace after bedtime routine!

Once my children dropped afternoon sleeps, we have continued downtime for an hour or so after lunch every afternoon we are at home. This is in their own rooms quietly reading/drawing/ tucked into bed listening to a story or music.
You can set a timer for them, if they can't tell the time yet! You may have to work up to the hour if they're not used to it!
Mine are 8&10 now and still do it. My husband and I also rest during that time, so children understand that everyone is having down time! I'm disabled by CFS ME, so desperately need this time - still shattered by the end of the holidays though, with all the additional noise and interactions that come with the children being at home!
We do also, sometimes all tuck down to watch something together, in order to chill a bit !

I don’t think I’ve a cats chance in hell of my two year old staying quietly in her room 😂

When your youngest is 5 or 6 it will get easier. Mine are now 7 & 9 and I finally look forward to the school holidays and I am not desperate for them to go back to school like I used to be. They are a lot more self-sufficient and don’t need my constant attention or input. I think these are the best ages tbh!

She sleeps after lunch thought yes? The PP just meant an extension of that as she drops the nap. Keep it as chill time.

This is coming from a SEN teacher perspective rather than parenting - but I LOVE timers. I use sand timers usually rather than a countdown clock sort of thing which could be a bit clinical. They are also helpful for getting kids to understand how long eg. 5/10 minutes is. For a 5 year old they could be quite useful.

I’d say they could be worth a try for 5/10 minutes!

I think you have to set your expectations very low with the timed chill out time. But timers can be helpful we have a bubble one and a sand one we also have a app on my phone that does cool timers that have volcanoes about to erupt or aliens travelling in a spaceship. We use these more for transitions such as leaving the house or brushing teeth. My older two are 8 and 1. I am absolutely not guaranteed time but it's a lot better. What helps is that they also need downtime so I know if we've spent a morning out the afternoon is going to be down time for us.
Is the three year old that wants to be glued to my side.

I could definitely read with the older two but I couldn't watch my programs if they aren't appropriate because they will want to watch it. It also still doesn't last too long because they still really want my company which is lovely. But can feel smothering. I just tell myself one day they won't live in my house so I have limited years to experience them at these ages. Whilst really looking forward to when my husband takes them out for the day and leaves me in the house in bliss 😂

What we do make important though is making sure they are a self sufficient as can be for their ages. So making their own lunches snacks and drink. Being able to put their washing in the washing machine and the art of being able to find something! All skills that allow parents more chill out time. You certainly have to play the long game.

No - definitely not! She used to sleep at nursery (and then take ages going to sleep at night) but even that’s gone now.

I guess I’m just not totally comfortable with a ‘you can talk when this timer is finished’ - he’s at home, not a classroom. And I think he’d forget and talk anyway!