If you have young children, do you ever get to ‘relax’ at home?

[birdsinginthedawn]

It’s the end of the two week ‘holiday’ and I’m exhausted 😅 I have to say I don’t feel as drained as I did after Christmas so that’s something but … I am wondering at what point I’ll be able to chill out and relax in my own home?

Children are five and two (three in midsummer) and while I can sometimes do something in one room while they play in another it’s interspersed with crash, scream, mummyyyyyy, reports that the two year old is ‘not sharing’, they are playing together better but there’s still a lot of frustration and drama.

They tend to be better out of the house so we’ve done a lot of activities which helps the days go by but kind of doesn’t help with the not feeling very relaxed thing.

I guess I’m wondering at what point are your children around but you can relax and do something , like read a book or watch a TV show?

Mine are now 7 and almost 5 and I asked for a magazine subscription for my birthday as I felt confident I'll be able to sit with a coffee and read it! Had three issues so far and have read them all. Just about to have baby #3 so am reeeeeeeeally going to soak up these last few weeks 😂😅

Success will depend on your children and parenting style. We've been encouraging them to talk through problems together and coaching them in negotiating since the little one could talk. When they call me I rarely get involved in resolving issues, instead I act as a sort of communications mediator helping them to resolve them together.

We also implemented quiet time as they dropped naps. When #2 went for her long nap #1 would listen to an audiobook for example whilst I read, or we'd do a puzzle. At the start it would genuinely only last a few minutes, but we've built up over the years and now it's not unusual to get a good chunk of time where they listen yotos, or a podcast together, read etc and we all chill. My youngest now would prefer to colour whilst the oldest and I read. They can choose the activity as long as it doesn't involve noise and crashing about. Sometimes in the same room, sometimes separately. Sometimes I read stories to them, sometimes we're doing our own thing. Mostly I also relax during the quiet time, it seems to set the tone. If I'm busy they don't chill for as long.

The rest of the time the house is full of energy and noise! Which I like 🥰 am absolute loving this age and stage.

I think you could make it age appropriate though, your youngest is really young still, but it could be something to work towards. I was giving you the bare bones of an idea to adapt in a way that would / cpuld work for you.

My main point (perhaps poorly made), is that as parents / GPs, we can take steps to facilitate us having the odd 5 / 10 minutes within reason, and build this up, by teaching our children that we are people too, and that we do not need to be at their beck and call at our DC's whim, whenever they see fit during their waking hours.

Some DCs will evolve that way, many others won't learn this till much, much later without gentle guidance.

By the time they're at school, it's very obvious which children are used to being the centre of attention 24/7, and aren't used to waiting, or trying to sort things out for themselves, and the ones who have been encouraged to wait, and not have an adult at their beck and call the minute they want one.

Have you read/listened to Hunt Gather Parent OP? I'd recommend it, helped resist my parenting mindset and I'd say as a household we're a lot more balanced/happier for it.

The negotiating side is really good to focus on. We did this and I notice that both of mine are really good mediators when they have friends over, at parties etc. It's also meant very minimal input is needed from me during disagreements.

I don’t think she needs to be the centre of attention, and to be fair she does play pretty well independently, but at her age it has to stem from her and not because I tell her I need a few minutes. In fact the more I try to ‘escape’ the more she tries to follow me which is understandable.

Likewise the more you try to get DS to stop talking the more he talks.

@lemoncurdcupcake really interested in your post, especially this bit: "We've been encouraging them to talk through problems together and coaching them in negotiating since the little one could talk. When they call me I rarely get involved in resolving issues, instead I act as a sort of communications mediator helping them to resolve them together."

Any books or sites you used as guides/ideas for this as I'd like to teach mine negotiation/ talking through problems etc but my attempts don't get v far! Thanks.

We have a 2 and a 4yo (almost 5) so I feel your pain. They did watch the jungle book together this holiday though, so that was quite blissful.

I relax once they're in bed, for me it's important to have that time when no one else is awake.

Mine are older and youngest is in preschool, so I have time when they're in school/preschool together, but even before then it was nice to chill during the younger one's nap time and the eldest was at school. Both of mine napped until they were age 3 or 4, because I was happy with later bedtimes. For me it was good to have that break in the day. Probably doesn't work with smaller age gaps like yours though.

Independent reading from 5 is when the me-time can return. Hang in there!

Nope , never get any peace . All day long I'm needed (work is a break!)
I end up falling asleep when they do too as I'm so exhausted 😩 🤣
I'm sure ill look back fondly on these days though.

@RobinRedBird it might have been siblings without rivalry. Tessa Romero on Facebook is also handy for ideas on giving kids scripts/words to use. I figure that communication is something you can learn, so try to help them practice articulating their thoughts to one another.

It's a long game though. My two are 7 &almost 5 now, I can't remember when we started exactly but have been doing it years and they still need a coach when things get heated. A reminder they can take a breath, walk away and come back to it when calm. Lots of me saying 'what did he/she say when you spoke to them about it?' when they've come straight to me with something. I do this when other children visit as well, I'm not far away and I'll be present if required but try to have a culture of 'I trust you guys to work this out between you'.

It's not always when they're arguing either, we can be at the table and I'm asked by one child what the other child just said...'you could ask your brother?'. I have a rule they can always come and ask me for help if they need it but I largely try and stay neutral and as quiet as possible. Sometimes I vocalise that I'm not there to take sides, which helps to say out loud even though I'd hope it went without saying by now. I ask questions to help them work it out. Sometimes it gets to 'it doesn't feel like this is going to be resolved right now, let's take a break from one another and you can try again later.'

My dc are 8 & 13 and I can definitely relax at home for several hours and barely hear a peep out of them, though they do come looking for snacks periodically. I would say definitely from when youngest was 4/5, he could be off playing somewhere and I wouldn’t necessarily hear from him from an hour sometimes.

Also, I get to relax at home loads because Dh will take them out for the day and give me time to relax, but that’s different really than what you’re asking.

I thought of this yesterday when I was home alone with DD, who is just turned 5. She was calmly doing crafts, but still she made me get up to her 100 times. Looking for this a that, open the jar, then thirsty, then toilet. Honestly I was about to get angry from not getting a moment to just be - even if she was all nice and good, no tantruming or anything. And then when I tucked her into bed the same evening and she wanted a lot of kisses and cuddles, I felt already like this won’t last long and I will miss it when she’s little enough to want to kiss me 100 times before sleep 🩷

Mine are 4 and 1 and relaxing feels like a thing of the dim and distant past 😂 to be fair, I’ve found if I don’t sit down at all, I seem to get marginally more peace. It’s like my arse connecting with a seat is a bat signal for the kids, to either hurt themselves or start shouting MAMAAAAA or need a snack or a toy or the toilet/nappy change… if I keep bustling around I’m like a true moving target, can’t catch meeeee 😂
With all that being said, I know this isn’t forever and I’ll miss it terribly when they’re grown up and off doing their own thing. Dear little people.

Mine are 4 and 8 and I've started to not respond to every mummy or argument they have. I see it at teaching them to sometimes find resolutions between themselves. It works every now and again.

Mine are 16 months apart, and both have ADHD. They’re grown up now, but one thing that used to keep them occupied, was parting my hair down the middle and giving them both a side to ‘do’. They had a supply of clips and bobbles, and could easily spend 30/40 minutes making me look ‘beautiful’. I’d get to close my eyes and relax (although sometimes it got painful 😁). This also worked on train journeys.

Three was the magic age for me where something shifted. It was a combination of their development but also something hormonal easing off too. Hang in there!

Only when they were in bed!