Worried DD is not ready for university halls

[4ofCups]

Hi,

So I need to start by saying, alongside the sadness, I am of course incredibly proud and excited for her. She has struggled getting here and it was a bit of a bumpy ride, but she managed to get into her chosen uni, which she starts in September after deferring a year.

She is likely on the ASD/ADHD spectrum and has mostly struggled socially. She is sociable, but has had trouble fitting in and comes across as rather quirky. Very mature in some ways, rather immature in others, which is a classic ASD trait I believe.

Anyway, because she has lacked friendships she hasn't really gone down the usual teenage path of going out to parties etc and so her independence has been a little slow also. She does have a few friends, but sees them very rarely. She is also struggling to find a job since she lost her first one (business closed) so this isn't helping with developing her social skills either. I definitely feel like she gone back a bit, which was the opposite of the plan for her gap year!

With all this in mind, I feel like I'm probably worrying a lot more than the average parent and I know every parent finds this part very difficult, but I'm honestly just a bit of mess.

Every time I think about her leaving, I freak out and just don't believe she's ready for such a jump. She could actually commute in, but we actively encouraged her staying in halls (she does want this), mostly for her personal/social development, but I'm wondering now if that was the wrong move.

Also, the sadness - It's just overwhelming. I cry about it so much. She is my only child and I honestly can't believe that she'll be leaving in a few months.

DP believes uni will be the making of her and it's a good way of transitioning into adulthood and independence without being thrown into the deep end. I do understand that, but I still worry she may not cope.

And then of course there's just the general worrying for her safety 😵‍💫 She really isn't streetwise and as I've said, hasn't really done the "normal" teen partying, so this will all be very new to her.

I would really like to hear from anyone who can relate to this and if anybody has any words of wisdom, I'd be incredibly grateful.

Thanks very much.

Honestly, uni is full of quirky people. The best thing you can do is ensure she knows you’re always there to support with any bump she might face and remind her life isn’t linear so bumps are expected but the sooner she communicates anything with you the sooner you can support.

my own dd goes to uni in September and I’m apprehensive because it is such a massive step but our job isn’t to hold them back, we have to let them go and, worst case they try and it goes wrong… we help them pick up the pieces. Not letting them try is the worse thing you can do.

Had the same concerns for DS (AuDHD). What we did:

Urgently got him assessed (privately) -- if you can't go private suggest RTC (right to choose)

Once he was on the diagnosis pathway we alerted DASS (disabled students service) at the uni that was his first choice

We were clear that for him, living in "lifestyle moderated accommodation" (=quieter, don't drink) was crucial to his ability to being able to be a student, which they agreed with (at this point even without the diagnosis).

DS started in September. It's been rocky, I won't lie. BUT he's doing OK, and halls are just fine -- there are five of them in a quiet flat, all ND and they get on OK. We have just got in touch with DASS again to ask if they can support with finding appropriate accommodation for Y2; DS has survived Y1 but he will need to have the same support in place for Y2.

The main reason I would recommend getting a diagnosis if you can, is that, with a diagnosis, your DC can access mentoring, which has been the single best thing to happen to DS and without it it all would have been much messier. I am cautiously optimistic that this route to transitioning to adulthood will be successful. Happy to answer any questions. There is a FB group (WIWIKAU for parents of neurodivergent parents) that is a source of knowledge and support.

Previous thread on this that I followed at the time: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/higher_education/5352659-massive-anxiety-about-ds1-asd-starting-uni

I really worried about my daughter. She didn’t have a friendship group at school, and was an artsy quiet child (also autistic). She went to an arts college and has flourished; she’s found people on her course who are into similar things. She’s grown a lot more independent in halls, and in her second year has moved into a house with friends. I was worried about her finding friends to house with, due to her lack of friendships at school, but it wasn’t a worry. She’s still quite young for her age, and can be naive, but she knows to get in touch if she has any worries. I used to lie awake at night panicking before she went, but it’s been the best thing for her.

She can request a quiet /non alcohol halls .
Ask the uni what they offer

Uni is full of very different types and they def aren’t all drinking partying types … there’s prob less of that now than ever.

Im sure she’ll find her tribe and it’ll be great for her.

It sounds like you have a great situation- she can stay in halls when she feels brave but go home when she needs to. Worse comes to worse she can come home for long stretches.

My kids have gone through university and are quiet, non partying types . They found some good people to be with/ live with and befriend ; not everyone is the outgoing type. I bet she’ll find people she vibes with on her course ☺️

We had this debate for our youngest. DH initially wanted her to commute but I was worried about the train journey as she often attracted unwanted attention when travelling (despite the headphones, reading and often sunglasses)
When we found her chosen Uni on open day we literally got the warm fuzzy feeling. Campus uni around an hour from home, safe, welcoming and excellent for her subject.
It was the making of her and she absolutely loved it. Lots of societies matching her interests to join and a choir. She made lots of new friends.
Lived on campus for the first year then shared flats in the city with girls she lived with in first year.
As a PP has said she will probably find her tribe.

This was me. I had undiagnosed ASD at the time and grew up in the middle of nowhere, so I'd never been exposed to parties etc either. I'm in Scotland so was only 17 when I started uni. In all likelihood she'll be fine. She'll have her own room she can retreat to if she needs/wants to, equally if she wants to join in with partying that's fine too. I did both of those things depending on how I felt and it was never an issue.

Parents can sometimes feel a bit redundant in this setting. But ensuring your offspring leave the nest is an important aspect of parenting. And one you don’t want to fail.
It is often the case that parents can assess or evaluate their children against their own experience of younger days. And expect their children to be mini versions of themselves. It can be alarming when they aren’t.
Make sure she is aware of being personally safe, drugs, sex, etc. I am hoping that she is aware of such things already. And knows about spiking and drinks. It strikes me you are concerned she is not very streetwise or savvy. You need to ensure she is. She will not be mingling amongst children. But adults. She needs to be one too.
By all means talk to her about assessment if she is happy for that to happen. But she may just be quirky !
Try not to cry about. September is quite a way away.

I know it's considered coercive control on MN but I find tracking my DD on Life 360 hugely reassuring. She understands it soothes my anxiety so is happy to be tracked.

It’s not normal to feel sad that your child has reached the next stage, it’s even more strange to be crying at every turn.

You're a parent, it’s your job to prepare them and release them into the world and do it without them being worried about their crying mother at home.

How could she be “happy” about this. It’s a ridiculous thing to do to your adult child. Your anxiety is not her problem and shouldn’t be foisted on her.

Thanks so much for all your replies so far. I really appreciate them 😊

Thanks @TeenLifeMum Very wise words.

@OrcasRock I've been seriously considering this actually. I think I'll contact the uni and ask what support they can offer with and without a diagnosis. I'm glad your DS is doing OK. I suppose you were prepared for some teething issues, but hopefully things continue to get better. Thanks for the link!

@MyEasterBonnet Our DDs sound very similar. This is exactly the outcome I'm hoping for 😊

Why don't you make a plan that she commutes in on a Monday and stays until the Friday, then comes home?

That way she can do all her uni stuff in the week, and the weekends should be free. That will take the pressure off of uni having to be a social place, not just a study place.

If it so happens that uni becomes that social place for her, then she can stay at weekends and hang out with friends.

You'll know if it is changing because she says she's coming on Saturday, Sunday or not coming at all on some weekends.

Honestly, uni is full of quirky people. 100 % this!!
I would also put some effort into picking the right accommodation. The more old-fashioned university owned halls might be more basic accommodation with shared living/kitchen/bathrooms but they seem to have more of a community focus with shared communal spaces and organised activities and the housing teams put quite a bit of effort into matching up flatmates / blockmates / corridors etc.

I don't agree with this, if you go home every weekend then you loose the opportunities to socialise and meet friends and join in activities.

@cestlavielife and @MyballsareSandy2015 I personally think she'd get on better in a quieter area, but she doesn't agree. Obviously have to go with what she would prefer. She does like a drink, but doesn't like being around drunk/loud people.

There are plenty of things going on in the week. I don't think OP's daughter sounds like the type who will make friends at Mojito Fridays.

@ThisOneLife ??

I went to uni after a gap year, had been working in restaurants and bars and had been going clubbing from the age of 15, (I was from a very working class background and was left to my own devices in the basis I was sensible as I did well at school if only they knew...), I was however the outlier, lots more of my housemates had never done a lot of those things had only holidayed with family etc, by the end of our degrees there was no difference. If anything at the beginning I was probably more reckless and partying more. She will find her tribe at uni, plenty of quirky people and especially these days difference is celebrated

I could have written your post @4ofCups
I feel exactly the same way about my DD. It's such a huge leap of faith, isn't it?

@ThisOneLife I had missed your first contribution. Honestly, you just sound like you want to cause offense, so feel free to give this thread a swerve 👍

Loads have never done the party thing, not everyone starting uni will be 18, in daughters first year flat 1 18 year olds, 3 19 year olds, 23 year old and an international student in their 30’s.
Let her spread her wings if you have done a good job she will contact you if she has issues. Your stress about her leaving is your issue not hers.

@PuppiesProzacProsecco I have considered this actually, but am worried it would have the opposite effect - i.e, what if the GPS drops out or the phone gets stolen? Both of these things are fairly common I would say. Have you had any issues yourself with signal?