I feel sad that my sister is the favourite

[Owwmumo1]

It’s been clear for the last 10 years or so that my mum is closer to my sister. They have more in common, live closer and so see each other more often. Some friends have noticed too as my mum always posts gushing birthday messages to my sister on FB about how amazing, funny and strong she is and I get “Happy Birthday, love me and dad”. I know FB isn’t real but it’s a bit embarrassing and a couple of friends have noticed.
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Yesterday we all got together for Easter and my mum had bought eggs for the kids, my sister and brother in law but had forgotten me. She did go out and manage to get one at a petrol station - I did tell her it wasn’t necessary as I’m an adult but honestly, it did make me feel a bit shit. I’d done an hour round trip to buy part of the main meal and made a dessert whilst my sister hadn’t contributed at all. This also happens every Christmas where I bring food and bake nice things and my sister brings “the vibes”.

I don’t really know what I want from this post, I just feel really down about it all. I do try not to let it get to me because I’m an adult and it all sounds really petty but I struggle a bit because I’m widowed so don’t have anyone to talk to about it all.
People will suggest I talk to her about it but how would I even open that conversation?

My mum favours my brother so i know how you feel. I've had to just accept it, she won't change. Christmas was the final straw for me and I've decided I won't be around them on important days because I deserve to have a nice time.

That’s so horrible, I’m sorry. She sounds like a terrible mother tbh. Being fair with your kids is a baseline.

You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

My mother favoured my cousin. She always described her as the daughter she never had.

well you could say “ when you forget me but remember dsis and bil, I feel a bit rubbish” and see what her response is.

otherwise you need t find a way to accept it and create your own villiage around you.

Stop taking stuff to contribute and consider stopping taking yourself - you don’t need the upset x

My mum has favourites. My sister is her favourite child, and my son is her favourite grandchild. She denies it if challenged but it's very obvious.

I've learned to live with it. She's not going to change now.

My parents give a lot more attention to my brother, 90% of the conversation at family gatherings is about how much money he makes, his job, and his expensive hobbies. I genuinely can’t remember the last time they asked me or DP or my sister and BIL a question at the dinner table. I could get sad about it but I try to just let it go as there’s no way to bring it up without looking like I’m the problem. I feel for you.

I can see that the two of them living closer to each other would mean they have a more familiar relationship but she's being hurtful and mean to be so blatant about it.

That is horrible. I’d go low contact

That’s shit, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Make sure you break the cycle and let your kids know they’re both loved… I’m sure you do already as you sound a lovely person.

Do you like your sister OP? Don’t forget that it is not your sisters fault that your mum favours her, it may be something simple like she just gels better with your mum because they are similar, or the opposite, you may be too similar to your mum. It is also not your fault that your mum favours your sister. I also think like a PP says, that you should tell your mum that it makes you feel bad when she forgets you. Your Dmum did go to get you an egg so she must have felt awful to have forgotten your egg.

My parents both favour my brother, but he is my favourite too. The reason he is their favourite is because I always argued with my parents growing up, over stupid things like curfews etc, as children do. My brother was a homebody and a peacemaker, so he was the easy child.

It’s horrible. I have similar, and contribute to everyone’s feeling that I’m not properly part of the family by withdrawing. I’d suggest you contribute far less to events if you do keep going, and that you invest less in them emotionally, because, as others have said, they aren’t going to change. It is unfair and AWFUL, and I can’t imagine treating my kids this way, but some people are working out their own issues on their family members (in my case, my parents felt excluded as children, and need to reenact this situation with someone else as the excluded one. They picked me.)
it’s not my fault, I’m lovely, and it’s not your fault and I bet you’re lovely too. I make time and effort with friends and with my in-laws, and try to give myself time and space to recover from family events. I don’t wish to cut all contact but I keep it quite minimal.

My sister lives as far away as you can get practically. She is still closer to my mum.

It really sucks so much when it is so blatant.
My Mum favours my sister and nephews so much it’s shocking. I have an appointment tomorrow for suspected cancer, initially my Mum invited herself to my appointment, I thought this was an improvement, she since made lots of excuses about not coming and not even asking about my childcare plans for my daughter. Turns out she’s agreed to look after my nephews whilst my sisters is at work, even though their Dad will be WFH and she could even take them with her.

I don’t really have any advice but understand where you are coming from.

If it helps.. I’m an only child and I’m still not my mum’s favourite.

I know I was my mothers favourite but my god she never ever treated my sisters any differently than me. I just knew she felt an affinity to me. In reality she spent more time with my younger sister as I went to uni abroad and never moved back home, and my older sister went though some issues (anorexia etc) that required extra attention but I knew. How she could ‘forget’ to give you an egg (though giving adult eggs is a bit weird) when buying your sister and her partner some is beyond comprehension.

My mother treated my brother like the Second coming of Christ. She was fond of telling people how overjoyed she was to have a baby boy, as she came from a long line of daughters, and boy didnt we know it!! (No pun intended) He couldn't do a thing wrong in her eyes, even though he locked both me and my sister out of the house all night (in separate incidents) when my parents were away on holiday 😡

Thanks so much everyone. I really
love my mum and sister - we’re all very close.
My mum would be upset if she knew how much this has got to me. It seems silly “my mum didn’t get me an Easter egg” but it’s just another example
of me being overlooked. I think it’s because I just get on with things and cope and I’m very independent whereas my sister is less confident and relies on my parents a bit more. I can understand the reasons, but it’s still hard.

That's not nice at all, what is wrong with your mother. 😞How hurtful, it's not about the egg itself, it's that she didn't seem to care enough to get you one. When she bought you sister's and bil's eggs, why did she not buy a third one? Did you confirm at a much later stage that you'd also be coming to visit and she had already bough the eggs but then forgotten to get another one?

Tell us more about your dsis, in what way is she not as confident? Does she often feel overlooked by teachers, friends, boys when growing up, are you much better looking, talent or successful and your dm is trying to make up for it? Or something else.

If your Mum is a decent person who is just being thoughtless as your last update suggests, then I would tell her how you feel. If you don’t it won’t change. It sounds unlikely she is doing it deliberately. Surely she would want to know if she was inadvertently hurting your feelings.

I'm one of 4. I'm the least favourite and the youngest by 6 years. The most favourite lives 700 miles away and she treats everyone like absolute shit because she knows she's the favourite & always will be.

My parents forgot to pick me up from University once after agreeing to collect me. I waited with all my luggage for hours until realising they just weren't coming. (Before everyone had a mobile phone). I couldn't afford a train ticket so I was on my own in a huge student house for weeks.

It's horrible knowing you've been forgotten! 💐

Anyway, we're all in our 40s now and nothing has changed tbh. And I think they'll rely on me for elder care soon. Turds

My sister is the favourite and it's takes the pressure off me to visit or take a lead role, there are 5 of us so it can be shared anywhere but it does have its benefits.

This reminds me of the Friends episode when Rachel says Judy told her 'she was like the daughter she never had.' And Phoebe repeats it back to Monica. Such a good show.

Your mum should make it less obvious and put more effort in with you! However remember that sometimes it could be that the ‘favourite’ is just easier to get on with due to personalities etc I bet she loves you just as much. With the eggs she could have been thinking mainly of the kids and thought she better get the parents one too, and not been thinking of you in that context.

I’m really sorry you were forgotten- that’s a really tough one. Could you tell her how you’re overlooked at times? It sounds like she would be genuinely upset to realise this.

I am extremely close to my DM but she still makes sure we are treated equally. She even calculates what she’s spent on each of us to make sure it’s fair, and will equal any discrepancies up to the pound! It doesn’t sound like your DM is being malicious but she does need to be more mindful.