Trip terror

[Haresonahill]

Help. I feel like I'm going mad, and I don't know what to do.

I am due to go away with DH and our DDs on Tuesday. Long haul. Furthest any of us have ever been. I am dreading it so much that I'm sat here crying. I should never have booked it and now I would do literally anything to get out of it.

I've often been anxious about holidays. It's hard to put my finger on why. A mixture of homesickness, finding air travel stressful, and just the hassle of packing, unpacking, the expense, the unfamiliarity of it. I've had wobbles before pretty much every holiday ever, since childhood. I count down the days til I can come home. Even though in the moment I might be having a good time, if I could snap my fingers and be home again I would in a heartbeat.

And yet I keep doing it. I think because it's the done thing. And because if I didn't I feel like I'd be giving into silly fears and missing out.

But this one is particularly bad. DH understands and has said that I don't have to go if I really don't want to. This is a 'special' trip, funded by a gift from my parents. I know how lucky we are to have been given the money. And when we booked it I felt like the kids would have a great time. But ever since I have dreaded it. And now I am in a right state. I was crying earlier when I got the cases down from the loft. Please please please don't make me go. But also, please don't make me give in to this.

If I could just be on the other side of it.

If I didn't go I would let everyone down. People at work know I'm meant to be going. They would find it so weird. My wider family too. They have paid for it! DH could manage the kids but they wouldn't understand why I wasn't there and I'd miss all three of them.
But I just want to stay here with my house and my bed and my animals.

I just want to curl into a ball and make it go away.

I hear you and can fully empathise. I’m exactly the same.

I no longer go. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but I just wanted to give it as an option- the world won’t stop turning if your family go on holiday without you.

Where is it you're going @Haresonahill?
Sympathy. Travelling can be very stressful and triggering. But if your destination is somewhere lovely maybe you can focus on that? Big hug.

What have you actively done to address this life long problem?
My biggest concern is what your children might miss out on.

I feel the same way, except that my health has put paid to travel for me now.

But maybe that’s not what you need. You have been away before and got some enjoyment from it. And you don’t want your family to miss out, can you not do it for them?

I get just like this too! For me it’s not worth it to go away! Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear, it took me a fair few trips to come to this realisation that I just didn’t enjoy it

On the plus side it’s made me so appreciate little things and my home

((HUGS))

You can do this. Your husband will be there, he'll look after you.

have you hit care you're happy with for your pets?

Where are you going?

Why did you pick that destination? I mean, were you excited when you decided on that place? Can you go online and have a look at all the interesting things to do there? Failing that getting you excited, get some books, podcasts etc to take with you and try to switch off when you're able to.
It does seem mad to put yourself through this. I would go this time, but stick with the UK in future.

I have continually gone on holidays, becoming upset before every single one of them and counting the hours until I can come home.

The only thing the kids would miss out on is me being there. DH has said he could look after them, and they are old enough now not to need one adult each all the time (13 and 11). I want to give them my share of the holiday cost and tell them to enjoy themselves with the money!

My attitude to these feelings is to say to myself: you decided to do this, whether you want to or not is irrelevant. It helps me redirect my feelings away from the rumination that goes "I don't want to, please don't make me, I wish I could stay at home" etc!

Going forward OP I would really try to tackle this. It comes down to working out whether you are the sort of person who does want to travel, but are prevented by anxiety, or whether you are the sort of person who actually doesn't enjoy going away. It's fine not to enjoy holidays. Many people don't and if you think about it, they are often a lot of a hard work and stressful. If they are also giving you no pleasure, it's no wonder you don't want to go. But if you do want to be going away, either for yourself or your kids, the anxiety is something you can work on, honestly.

I never used to be like this but I worry so much now as well. Like you said it's the unknown ,we don't know what travel pitfalls will befall us ,what the hotels will be like etc.

However it's really important not to give in sometimes and keep being open .

Can you speak to the Dr about anxiety meds?

It is mad. And I do it every single time. This time is particularly bad because it's so far (South America).
We booked it because we've always said that we wanted to go there. But I don't actually want to go there. I like the idea of having been there but not enough to go through with it.

I have been looking at YouTube and guidebooks for ages. And yes there are some amazing things there.

It's so hard to explain. I just dread the thought. Not for any particular reason I can put my hand on. A mix of things. But whereas other people seem genuinely excited (to the point of squealing in my kids' case!) I just feel like it's the biggest chore imaginable.

Is it that you actually don't like being away from home, or is it anxiety about the journey, the food, whether you've packed the right stuff etc?

If the former, then don't go again - the kids will be fine with just their father. If the latter, see your GP and get some help for it.

That’s full on flight or fight anxiety, hiding in bed in a ball I totally understand. I’d have to battle my way through this and then get some therapy and plan a few small weekends in the UK and take it easy. You sound so stressed and terrified it can’t be good for your nervous system.

I think it's that I don't enjoy them. I don't fear bad things happening really. Obviously the unknown is mildly scary but really it's just homesickness overwhelming me. I like being at home.

But I feel like admitting that would make me boring, disappoint DH, and make me seem weird to everyone else. Literally everyone I know loves travelling, looks forward to summer holidays abroad, can't stop talking about all the places they want to see in the world. And it is boring not to want to do any of that and to really want to sleep in my own bed every night.

I go to extremes with that even in the UK. If I can avoid sleeping away from home I will, even if it involves extremely late journeys home (I frequently have nights out in London, driving home at 4am rather than staying over, for example.

It's the former. I mean nobody likes a 12 hour flight but it's fine. And the food is fine. And frankly I'm a grade a packer!
I just wish I didn't have to because I unpacked when we moved into this house so why would I bung my clothes into a suitcase and pay to stay somewhere else away from all my stuff for a fortnight?

I’m exactly the same. I do it every so often for the sake of the family but feel so anxious when away. I hate it. You have my sympathy.

For what it’s worth I think it’s common, but we’re made to feel bizarre for it, like we’re missing out.

Personally I don’t like it as it feels so parochial, but just can’t seem to think my way out of it.

I haven't been abroad since 2013, and before that it was probably 2005. You don't have to go, it doesn't make you boring! I do wonder why people do these things if they don't enjoy it. I don't feel that I've missed out at all.

Go on this trip but remember how you feel right now and don't book any more holidays. Just stay at home and have a nice time doing things you enjoy.

The weird thing is that I do feel like I'd be missing out.
I feel sometimes like trips abroad are like foul tasting medicine. I have to take them.
I have never been to Rome. Or Australia. Or China. Or a dozen other places that I feel like I should go to even if I hate going there, because it's what I should do as a human with the means to do it!
That probably sounds weird.
I know I'll hate the run up to it, and won't enjoy it when I'm there. But I will be able to say I've been.

I just want to either enjoy it or not be bothered about missing out.

More people should welcome the attitude, that travelling is like a hobby- not everyone has to love to travel, and not everyone has to do it, and it’s not a ‘must’. I don’t go sailing or golfing or white water rafting because it sounds like a torture to me. Same with travelling- i don’t travel anymore because it’s the most boring way of spending time to me. And I used to be a jet setter in my 20’s and early 30’s. Been to every continent except Antarctica, stayed at campsites and Four Seasons and realised I am done and closed the chapter of my life called ‘travelling’ and ‘exploring’. No thank you, I have other interests.

Take photos of your stuff and your familiar rooms.

Give yourself ten minutes each day to moon over them. Set a timer.

When the timer dings, close your photo app and get on with your life.

In the run up to this holiday, do the same - indulge your fears for ten minutes per day. When that ten minutes is up, tell yourself you're now moving ahead with your life.

Your soon to be teenage children need to feel they have a mum who doesn't fall apart.

As soon as you get home from the holiday, book yourself into therapy. The definition of insanity is keeping on doing the same thing in hopes of a different result, right? While you're not insane, you're definitely not addressing the problem here.

I understand. I like seeing new places but the getting there and things like having to sleep in a strange bed, dealing with traffic going the wrong way, the heat, and not knowing what things are on menus just seem like such a hassle that often when I'm away I wonder what made me book it.
Edit: But anyway! You're doing it for your family. It's only two weeks (or whatever) out of your life and then you'll be home!

I feel if you're not scared you just like being at home it's a bit brattish to kick off tbh

Your kids will notice and it's going to affect how they deal with situation in the future - you're currently modelling resilience (or lack thereof)