Trip terror

[Haresonahill]

Help. I feel like I'm going mad, and I don't know what to do.

I am due to go away with DH and our DDs on Tuesday. Long haul. Furthest any of us have ever been. I am dreading it so much that I'm sat here crying. I should never have booked it and now I would do literally anything to get out of it.

I've often been anxious about holidays. It's hard to put my finger on why. A mixture of homesickness, finding air travel stressful, and just the hassle of packing, unpacking, the expense, the unfamiliarity of it. I've had wobbles before pretty much every holiday ever, since childhood. I count down the days til I can come home. Even though in the moment I might be having a good time, if I could snap my fingers and be home again I would in a heartbeat.

And yet I keep doing it. I think because it's the done thing. And because if I didn't I feel like I'd be giving into silly fears and missing out.

But this one is particularly bad. DH understands and has said that I don't have to go if I really don't want to. This is a 'special' trip, funded by a gift from my parents. I know how lucky we are to have been given the money. And when we booked it I felt like the kids would have a great time. But ever since I have dreaded it. And now I am in a right state. I was crying earlier when I got the cases down from the loft. Please please please don't make me go. But also, please don't make me give in to this.

If I could just be on the other side of it.

If I didn't go I would let everyone down. People at work know I'm meant to be going. They would find it so weird. My wider family too. They have paid for it! DH could manage the kids but they wouldn't understand why I wasn't there and I'd miss all three of them.
But I just want to stay here with my house and my bed and my animals.

I just want to curl into a ball and make it go away.

Okay, so I hope this makes sense because I'm really tired and I should be in bed, but I'm browsing MN

I'm like you. I have massive anxiety around - well, everything 😂 - but particularly around going away. It was one of those things that I just had to deal with because I had to go away for work. However, that is different. I don't do it any more though I as I stopped accepting jobs where that was part of it.

I don't particularly find that there's a massive payoff with holidays - all the anxiety and the hassle and it just never feels worth it and I tend to come home with an overwhelming sense of just having been really tired

I stick to a couple of days away in the UK a couple of times a year if that

So I completely understand where you're coming from

However, I'm usually having to go away on my own and there's no element of letting anyone down especially children

I do totally see why you wouldn't want to force yourself, especially if you're gonna spend the whole time counting down the day till you get home

There are some wonderful places in the UK, and to be honest I haven't seen enough of it !

For this one, I think as it's already booked, I'd probably try and go but that might not be the right option for you, so I certainly won't try and talk you into it

Part of my thinking is that if you can promise yourself this is the last time, then that might help.

What other people think about going away is neither here nor there - the point is you don't like it. Your post saying "why should I have to?" Sounds to me like you really only go because it's the expected thing.

My best friend's mother never went on foreign holidays with them. She just really hates it. They very rarely went to anything but there was the odd time their dad had something he wanted to do so he took them

The world will be there later and even if it's not, I don't really see why it's so essential for people to take their children abroad. And they are going - it's not like you not going stops them.

You say you'd like to say you have been. I don't think that's that big a deal. Honestly see if it comes up in conversation with people you don't really know, and they think you're boring, just lie if you have to.

I tell people the truth. I'm like the holiday episode of Miranda. Actually, I have noticed that people are much more sympathetic now than they used to be. So there was an element of judgement if you didn't go on foreign holidays before but not anymore.

Okay, well I think don't go next time. See how you feel with that, and then decide what to do the next time. Maybe get your dh to take the kids for a short break somewhere. If all you feel is overwhelming relief, then that's good!

I don't like nightclubs. Went once because everyone went on about how great 'clubbing' was but found it boring, didn't like the music, and the dim lights hid filthy floors. No thank you. Never went again.

Lots of people don't like holidays actually,but like you, don't feel they can own up to it. But I think your kids probably don't like seeing you so upset. They'd probably be happier to go without you, knowing you were happy at home.

Don't you think your feelings are quite extreme though? Things you simply dislike don't usually make you highly anxious and crying at the thought of them. If you just didn't like holidays, it would be reasonably easy to just go along with it. Like when you go to the cinema and watch a film you're not interested in. This seems to be something more than that.

I agree with this. I would try and get something to help with your anxiety for this trip. And I would make it your last if you don't enjoy it. Hugs OP.

Your husband could take the children on shorter breaks from now on since they are older.

Just to add. If this is something you do want to change you could maybe look at a form of therapy. Wishing you well.

Travelling can be quite full on. I get cold feet before I go away but usually enjoy it when I'm actually there. I can't think of anywhere I've been where I'd say I wish I hadn't gone there. I think you should go whilst you have the time, money and younger kids to share it with but perhaps fade the big trips out. Consider what's on offer in the UK and closer parts of Europe, not flying perhaps. Have a think about what it is about travel that upsets you and if there are any solutions.
South America will give you some wonderful family memories.

I am similar. I do it because when you tell
peple you don’t like holidays they don’t get it. Plus I don’t want my family to miss out. But I’m there with you. I’ve been like it since I was a child.

There is a wanderlust gene. I definitely have it. You clearly don’t. Go on this holiday then do what my DH does, stay home if you don’t fancy it!

Do you have a usual method for controlling anxious thoughts? Bring it in here. I know it is easy to say but if you want not to feel like this, you have to have an intention to try and stop yourself engaging with these thoughts, as they are making you feel worse. Whether it’s distraction, meditation, listing all the benefits instead of the downsides… I know people will be along to tell me managing anxiety isn’t as simple as that. I know it’s not easy. But the fact is if you keep allowing yourself to dwell on thoughts of how awful you will find it all, guess what, it will be awful. I do mean this kindly, sorry if a bit blunt. Really hope for all your sakes that posting and talking about it helps you to get through this.

Go to your GP or call 111 and try and get something for your anxiety before your holiday.

I don't judge you that you don't actually enjoy going on holiday and dread it but I do judge that you continue to book holidays, put yourself through this and expect something to magically change.

Make this the last holiday that you force yourself to go on. And decide whether you are actually not bothered and happy never to go on holiday again, or whether you want to explore therapy or something.

Best of luck.

I think you might need to ask yourself honesty which will ultimately feel worse - forcing yourself to go or allowing yourself to back out (which I don't mean in a negative way). If you don't go, you're respecting your own feelings, but you're also backing away from something that's a challenge for you. If you do go, you're overriding your feelings, but facing up to a challenge.

The one thing I'd say is that if you don't go (which is fine), you should have a very honest conversation with your kids about why. If you're missing out on a big family holiday, I think openness is important - unless they're very young, which I'm assuming they're not if you're going to South America.

I hope you find a solution you feel happy with, OP.

It was good to read that your husband understands and is kind. So it sounds like you’ll never have pressure on you to go away again so long as you kick into touch the pressure you put on yourself from the idea people should travel. I see your point but there are lots of ways of broadening our horizons without travelling to other countries. If you can allow yourself (can’t think of a better way to put it) to decide/ accept travel isn’t something you are going to do again, do you think that might make you feel a little easier about this trip, knowing it will be the last one?

If not, don’t put yourself through it. You said you could give them the money you would have spent and as much as they would miss you, that would be your contribution to their holiday.

I used to go on lots of holidays and always felt home sick towards the end of the trip. But also at some point would feel suddenly almost panicked by how far away from home I was. I don’t go abroad anymore