How to cope with grief after my mum died recently

[Allatsea1980s]

Just that really. My mum died a few months ago from cancer. Her decline was very sudden and very upsetting to watch.
I am getting on with things - two dc at primary school and work full time. But inside I just feel very lost. I know that grief is normal but I am not sure how to process these feelings.
My diet has become terrible and I am definitely eating to try and make myself feel better. As a result have put on weight and feel rubbish. I feel overwhelmed by everything, like my brain is ‘full’ and cannot process anything unexpected. The other day when our weekend plans changed at the last minute I felt I was having a panic attack. I keep on getting terrible stomach cramps - these started before mum died but after she was diagnosed. I ended up in hospital one evening and tests and scans showed nothing, which obviously was a relief but has left me unsure of what to do to stop them. Exercise has gone out of the window.
Its not that I’m miserable all the time - I am looking forward to our family summer holiday, and I generally enjoy work. I see friends and I’ve been really touched by how thoughtful some of my friends have been. I just don’t feel right. Exercise has gone out of the window as well.
mum and I had a strained relationship at times, particularly when I was a teenager. I’ve realised that she probably suffered from mild depression and was quite dependent on alcohol at times. However we were closer as I got older and I feel so sad about how horrible her final months were. dh thinks maybe I should go to a doctor. Does anybody have any advice on how to manage grief/how to get through it?

I could have written your post, except my mum died a few days ago. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do about work. I just feel sick.
sorry I don’t have any advice, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

I’d recommend seeking advice from your doctor. I take a low dose anti depressant and anxiety medication (sertraline). It’s massively helped with coping with my grief but I can still feel sad and joy so it’s not masking all emotions.

you could also consider a grief counsellor although that didn’t help me I know of friends who it helped a lot. ❤️

I'm so sorry. There's alot to unpack there. What first strikes me is that you're expecting to 'return to normal' and grief doesn't often do what we want it to. The first year is about riding it, not worrying about weight gain, brain fog or why your brain feels full. You'll get on top of it but it's often more than a few months. Espiecially when there is the trauma of watching someone with cancer die horribly. Some grief counselling may help aswell. Not sure if there's any books to recommend but others might.
I found the physical pain didn't go away for 2 years and then it came back at 5. I hope the waves become less steep and less frequent soon.

I'm so sorry @Allatsea1980s and @itsmeecathy . My dad died on Monday. Also from cancer. A few weeks ago he was fine. But his last few days were horrific.

I don't know how you're meant to cope with it, but I'll reread posts above and be interested to hear how others deal with grief.

I'm sorry for your loss

When my mother died, it felt like I was falling apart inside. Life carries on and I with it, but there were times when all I could do was cry in a heap. The overwhelming waves of grief have abated now, settling into intense longing.

I have been on anti depressants, they did help somewhat.

Time has softened the devastation of my mother's death, it's been over a decade... I don't know if I'm dealing with it "well".

I'm so sorry you lost your Mum. I lost mine in 2022 and only recently have felt like something is lifting. The grief has been intense, sitting there underneath as I go about working, mothering and just getting on with things. You can medicate, however, I just allowed my grief to be there. I still had a normal life but would find myself crying when I was on my own a fair bit. I have let a few things go too, my garden got overgrown, I went up a size in clothing, my cupboards were disorganised, it's ok. Losing your mother is a big one, you can't be expected to snap back and be totally normal in a few months, or even years.

You just have to do what gets you through the day. Nothing matters - diet - how much you cry - if you can’t do things. Grief is overwhelming and you really do just need to give yourself time. Sometimes you just need to let it overwhelm you and cry yourself dry.
It does get better but the loss of a parent is something I’ve not been able to fully get over. But now when I think of my dad the memories are just lovely and I can really feel that he is with me.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your mum must have been the most wonderful person. X

My mum also went very quickly, so we never even had chance to get our heads round the cancer before she declined and was gone. It was vety hard in the last few days and she wasn’t comfortable. I hadn’t thought of it as being like a trauma , but I don’t know how I can move on from the things I heard and saw.
sorry to highjack your post OP. There is some comfort in others feeling the same. I just feel lost.
does anyone have any advice on how to handle work? I was off anyway but need to call today and tell my manager what’s happened (was aware mum was poorly, but doctors were discussing treatment so death wasn’t expected quite so soon). I don’t know if to just take today and go back or take some time.

I'm sorry for your loss. Cruse bereavement have a helpline for support - 0808 808 1677 . I found them really helpful x

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in 2022 a few days before Christmas. The loss of your mum is huge. When it comes to grief there is no right or wrong and everyone grieves differently. You will have bad days and good days until eventually the good days outweigh the bad. Even now there are times I can be caught unaware. It might not seem like it now but over time you learn to adjust to the new normal. Does your employer have any form of employee assistance programme? If so I’d make use of this. I found it helpful to off load to someone completely independent. If they don’t I second contacting Cruise Support.

I lost my mum suddenly 2 months ago and I'm not coping. There are no good days for me. I feel worse now than when it happened. I wake at 4am every day and the tears start and I can't get back to sleep. My diet has also turned to shit, I have no interest in cooking, and I've stopped exercising too.
Everyone else just seems to be getting on with their lives. Even my dad is doing better than me. I don't think I've accepted it yet, I just want her back.
Sorry I don't have any advice, but you're not alone, this is hard

Bereavement counselling, my local hospice offers this service, I know someone that used it and made a donation. They went for a few months, it was free but it really helped them and it’s obviously a charity.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is me too; my mum died at the end of last year and I don't feel like I've really had the time and space to grieve properly, with one DC with disabilities and all the stress of that and another DC in nursery demanding constant attention.

I also lost my sister to cancer when we were in our 20s and it was awful, to watch and to go through, it had such a big impact and really affected my parents too. Seeing my mum succumb to dementia was hard and it ended up being a sudden illness due to infection that caused her death.

It's brought up a lot of my grief for my sister again, weirdly, even though I was single when she died and spent months in bed, cried all the time, had space and time to grieve for her (which I've not had this time round). So I'm feeling guilty that every time I feel upset about mum, I immediately think about my sister as well, it feels connected even though she died over 15 years ago.

I'd say to you to take time for yourself, I'm planning on getting away by myself for a night, going to a hotel, staying over myself, maybe one with some nice spa treatments. I'm going to take a book and switch off my phone. Try and just spend time with me and grieve. Fill my head with memories of mum but not with all my current life worries. I posted here when mum first died and it was really comforting getting support from others.

Sending love, support and wishing you well x ❤️

I'm so sorry to hear this. My mum died after the end of last year and I feel like I've bottled my grief up about her, I've put it in a box and I'm like robotically going through my daily life. With two young DC i am not finding the time to grieve. My only sibling, my sister, died of cancer when we were in our 20s and even though it's 15 years ago, I'm feeling guilty that my grief for my mum is being entwined with missing my sister all over again. I'm not eating well either, gaining weight, I'm spotty, but I don't care. I'm meant to go into the office two days a week and I'm only managing once every two weeks and just working from home all the other times. Thankfully my boss is being understanding about it.

My dad (like yours) also seems to be coping ok, which surprised me as he was a total wreck when my sister died, but I guess that's different as no parent deserves that and nobody should have to bury/cremate their child. I think my dad is keeping himself busy and had started volunteering with dementia charities prior to mum's death and they are helping him. It's about getting support I think. Sending love. It's hard, and hard also when friends/family move on and on mother's day I got only about 2 messages from people, it was hard. But of course everyone's lives are busy.

My mum died in similar circumstances 2.5 years ago. Right now everything will be incredibly raw and sounds like you probably are busy with kids etc and therefore not much time to process. Grief counselling was incredibly helpful for me so I’d really recommend it if you afford it. I also bought my dad the book It’s ok that you’re not ok, he said he found it helpful. Sending hugs at this horrible time. It doesn’t feel like it right now but the pain will become more manageable xx

Definitely grief counselling so you can talk about her a lot

can I suggest walking? Just being outside is so good for you. Get among some trees, parks, water. Anywhere you can. Walk laps if that’s the space you have. It can help feelings to process and help you sleep well at night.

Sending so much love and support to those of you who are recently bereaved. The loss of your Mum is huge, even when the relationship is complex. Its completely natural to feel lost and it's OK to feel how you feel. When it happens so quickly (as it also did for me, eight years ago) it's horrible as there's so much to process and understand. I felt flayed, like every nerve and emotion was raw and exposed, and struggled with decision making and managing everyday life.
I found going back to work (around two weeks later although I'd popped in and done things from home) was not just helpful but necessary as it gave shape and purpose to my life. My colleagues and wider community (I was a primary Headteacher) were absolutely wonderful and so supportive. Gentle exercise and being in nature helped, but I was going through the motions...eventually it felt less like a robotic response and more like a choice. The times I felt overwhelmed and panicky, a friend taught me to 'starfish': stand with arms and legs wide and really stretch to make a starfish shape, then breathe deeply (similar to yoga Mountain pose but a wider stance).
I would wait before opting for counseling - give yourself time and gradually it'll be less of a searing pain. Someone once likened this kind of grief to having a sharp, hard stone inside you. Over time, the stone will wear smooth and beautiful but it will always be there.

I’m so sorry Op. grieving is a normal process, and everyone copes in different ways. My DH felt I should go on medication, because it had ‘helped’ him when his mum died, but when my mum died, I felt meds. Wouldn’t help. I did go to my GP and get signed off work, as I was making stupid mistakes at work, because I wasn’t sleeping, or when I did sleep, I dreamed my mum was back, and then felt I had to grieve all over again when I work up, and realised it was just a stupid dream. I didn’t want meds, because I knew I just had to grieve. The first year was the hardest. My mum and I were extremely close, her illness came out of the blue, and the last week of her life was awful.
In the first year, I really struggled with things like my children’s achievements and not being able to share them with mum (their achievements were nothing to write home about compared to other kids, so no amazing news worthy stuff(!) just little things like dd managing to get her two lines out at the nativity play (a huge deal for my dd) or Ds finally nailing his 12 times tables (again for him this was massive, for most kids it’s just run of the mill). My mum would have been thrilled at these successes, because she knew the struggles and difficulties my kids had (and still have).
But over the last few years it has got easier, there are still days I miss her, but it’s more a dull ache, than raw grief. The first two years of my mum dying, I did put on weight, had no energy for exercising, and the house became untidy as I struggled to juggle with everything (just lack of energy), but three years on, and suddenly I felt I was able to do more, I started with my diet and doing longer dog walks, then got back to running (just the NHS 0-5K) because it actually made me feel better! And gradually started sorting out the house and garden. Now four years on, and whilst I still miss her, my life is relatively back on track to where it was before mum died.
My husband, did need meds when his mum died, but whilst it helped him, it was quite hard for me and the kids, as he just seemed to lose any sense of emotional feelings. But after a year he reduced and then came off the meds (I can’t remember what he was prescribed) and gradually the ‘old’ him came back (he can still be a morose bastard but that’s his general personality!)
The thing is, there isn’t a one size fits all for grieving, because not only do we grieve in different ways, but our relationships with the ones we love are seldom straightforward. There may be times you feel angered by some of the things your mum did or said, there maybe times when you feel guilty, or when you feel ‘why’, times of a deep sense of injustice and times of an almost physical pain because you miss her so much. All of this is normal, and it will, in time, get easier. But that time might be a good few years away, and if you feel that’s too much to cope with, there is nothing wrong with going to talk to your GP.
Be kind to yourself, you are still in the very early days of learning to live without your mum, and that’s hard.

I'm sorry for your loss

My mother died last year, we had a difficult relationship too which did get better when I had my own children. She had severe mh issues and was very ill for many years, I was her main carer.

In the beginning I felt like time had stopped, seeing life continuing was odd, making simple decisions (what to eat) was too hard, ok one minute then crying out of the blue. Now realise why people say to be kind to yourself after a loss.

A year on, it has got easier, I visit her most weeks to leave flowers, I talk to her. If we do something or go somewhere she' would have enjoyed I voice it. A few strange things have happened since her passing, it gets marked with a "that'll be my mother" as an explanation. I have some teary moments sometimes obvious reasons birthday, christmas (she loved decorating for christmas) sometimes teary for no obvious reason, I go with it but don't allow myself to spiral. A good cry on a big empty beach just me and the dog does wonders.

To say its just how grief is for me is one thing but I want to understand why I'm like this, I think its partly grieving for the parent I nearly had, the one I glimpsed at the end of her life, not the one I had for 50+ years.

@OneWildNightWithJBJ@Allatsea1980sand other others on here. how are you doing? I’m a few days in and the pain is getting worse. I’ve been rereading the posts . I just want to go back to my old life with mum in it

Oh, I'm so sorry. It is really, really hard. One minute I think I'm kind of OK, but then the realisation hits that I'll never see or speak to him again... It makes me so sad that he won't know about things I, or my kids, do in life. Even little things, like decorating the hallway that we need to do. And going home is unbelievably tough. A house that was once filled with 5 of us and a dog at times, is now just my mum. Whenever we visited, they would both be there waving us off and now they're not.

I would try and focus on what you can control. Try not to plan too many things - give yourself space to do whatever you need to do, even if that is absolutely nothing. Would really recommend listening to griefcast actually. It's comedians talking about grief and I find it to be like spark notes for grief. By that I mean they often express what I'm feeling but haven't found the words for yet.

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. I am still very up and down. I’m on holiday for a few days which is good - change of scenery - but I just really feel sad. I think seeing her decline and helping with her care was more traumatic than perhaps I realised - at the time you are just in caring/doing mode. But looking back it was horrible. She was so thin at the end. I don’t know if I want to go on medication - in a weird way I want to feel the grief. But I also think I do need to make some changes. I’ve been getting less tolerant of alcohol over the last few years, now whenever I have a couple of glasses of wine I am in a terrible mood the next day, and I can see I am really snappy and grumpy and resentful of dh. So that’s one change I’m going to make. Mum loved a glass of wine (maybe too much) so weirdly I feel like she would think I was being very boring stopping drinking, which I know is silly. It’s all just very hard at the moment. But thank you so much for your comments.

It is early days - I lost my mum 17 years ago yesterday and I had a V&T (which I don't like) and lit a candle for her. It still hurts but it does get easier I promise. Events hurt with her absence so felt - weddings, big birthdays, grandchildren etc but I now think of her with a smile. Some songs can get me. Be kind to yourself.

Edited to add - try and move past any guilt you feel. My DM also died of cancer - lung - and it was quick and awful. I couldn't always be with her for appointments, chemo etc but I did what I could. She would not have wanted me to do anymore than I did. I don't know how long your mums illness was but my mum was a year from diagnosis to her death. I know she knew I was there as much as I could and more than she expected. My mum was a lovely woman as I am sure yours was so try to remember the good times and that she would want you to be OK and move on and be healthy and happy. Have good time ahead OP xxx

My mum was only a week from diagnosis to her passing. We didn’t even get a chance to help her through treatment- that she was ready and willing to do . I was there all the time that week , but I feel robbed of that extra time. In time I may think differently and part of me is relieved she didn’t have to go through that, even now. I just wish it hadn’t happened. She was so young. It was so fast we just didn’t get time to process the diagnosis, let alone her going so suddenly.
im sorry for you all, for feeling the way I do. The world is not such a bright place anymore, and your response does give me some hope for t r future.