Am I old fashioned in my thinking

[Rustymoo]

My 23 year old niece was telling me about a guy she’s been seeing and how happy she was that they’ve had the exclusivity chat.
Maybe I’m old fashioned in my thinking but to me if you’re seeing someone you don’t see (by that I mean date) anyone else and nowadays it seems until you have had that chat your free to what I’d call two time or having your cake and eat it. She seemed surprised when I said that and it got me thinking is it just me who thinks like that.

Why are people so snippy?

If something happened to DH I think I would just rather stay single. I really couldn't be bothered to behave a kid in a sweet shop, nor would I like to be treated like a sweet in a sweetshop.

There is nothing wrong with having old fashioned values as long as the person you are dating shares the same values.

Of course not. There IS something wrong with assuming other people should share your values and judging people who don't.

I’m a 29F currently using dating apps. I’ll give you a recent example so you can see what it’s like.

A few weeks ago I went on a whirlwind first date with someone, who I’ll call Mr A. I don’t attach easily but this guy literally swept me off my feet - fireworks, giddiness, butterflies, the lot. I had a few other first dates in the diary (arranged before I met him) but I knew I only had eyes for Mr A at this point, so I politely cancelled them explaining that I’d met someone.

Went on the second date with Mr A. Asked him what he was looking for. It soon became clear that he was looking for ‘casual dating’ (translation: friends with benefits), though he wouldn’t be averse to something more serious if the right girl came along, and he was dating other people. So now I’m left looking like boo boo the fool, because I put all my eggs in one basket for a man who probably isn’t going to commit to me. He is 35 by the way.

This is the reality of online dating. Unfortunately men know that they can have casual sex with multiple women without committing, so as a woman you have to protect yourself by not getting attached or expecting much until they give you reason to believe otherwise. Believe me, I wish things weren’t this way - but until we as a sisterhood decide to stop tolerating this behaviour and stop having casual sex with men who don’t deserve it, then this is how it will be. I’m dating to marry and it’s depressing!

Same! I couldn't be bothered. At all.

Most men are really quite icky and women too in terms of being in a close dating type relationship. Being over 50 I suppose hormones make it so.

I have never done app or online dating and back in the 90s when my friend put an ad in the newspaper to find a date I thought it was most peculiar.

I am also traditional in that sense.

Swiping strangers and meeting up feels super sleazy

Do young people still actually meet their partner through a hobby, uni, work, shared friends? Or is everyone now app and AI dating?

My DDs have mentioned this is how it is now. The thing I don't like about it is only the men who decide whether they want to be exclusive or not so they have their cake and eat it as they can still see anyone they like until exclusive. I don't know why the girls put up with it. Some probably are hanging on waiting for months.

Fine if both are happy to date mutliple people but not everyone is. So many men and women in their 30's and 40's not looking for a serious relationship just lots of sex. Fine but are they never going to settle down?

I think it’s quite sensible actually, when you’re young why commit to one person too soon, better to have it all in the open too

I just posted this exact point on another thread.

Back in my day if someone plucked up courage to ask you out… that was tantamount to a marriage proposal! Of course there was occasionally two-timing and naturally “being chucked” but c’est la vie. Or c’etait la vie at any rate.

I agree that online dating has had the effect that a) you don’t know anything about the other person and b) there may be something better with the next swipe.

I do find “being auditioned” to be not something I’d appreciate.

So many seem so scared of commitment even in their 30's and older. Probably one of the reasons so many on here say 3 years is not long enough to get engaged!

I don’t think it’s a matter of being ‘scared’, more why you’d limit yourself.

I’m old and I used to date more than one person at a time. But they were just ‘dates’, we’d go for a drink or to see a film, then I go home. All quite innocent. I’d generally never see them more than once or twice.

Once I’d decided that I wanted to see one of them regularly, I’d stop seeing others. I dont think that I was unusual.

Because if you think 3 years is too short to get engaged, and you are in your 30s, as a woman you are running out of time to start a family, and as a man you're being disrespectful to women as you are also limiting their possibility of having a family.

When I was a teenager in the 80s you could snog someone at a party on a Friday and then someone else on a Saturday. You weren't "going out" with them but you could also like a PP go on dates with two people at the same time but you'd need to decide which one was the BF. You wouldn't say you were going out with both of them you unless you were a cad/insert female alternative here.
Then in the early 2000s I tried online dating but the hit rate was so slow I could get through two phone calls and an in person date before finding a second person to chat to (at least, that didn't want someone just to wash his socks).
I met DH online but not through dating and didn't have anyone else "on the go" at the time, not even just chatting. That was just over 20 years ago so my more recent experience has been vicarious or through Sex and the City.

Yup, that is the way and exactly what my DC and their friends do. It’s changed a lot from when we were young. I think online dating is probably the reason as it’s easier to match with a few people online and go on multiple overlapping dates.
i did speak to them about it and asked when do you decide on one - mind you, last time they went exclusive quickly it was the wrong choice.
Personally I’d say after the third date would be my cut off as you’d know then if you were compatible.

It’s how it’s done now, and I also think it’s a bit weird. Back in the day, if you were seeing two people, you were ‘two-timing’ (or a sl.g!).

You forget about same-sex relationships

Btw my mum who would be in her 90s now used to tell me she had multiple dates on the go in her 20s, but they were obviously very ‘chaste’ - not like today! Then we had my era when you either snogged someone at a party and never heard from them again or you’d be asked out and ‘exclusive’. Idk anyone who was a serial dater.

Had the exact same thing with my son the other day. He mentioned he was seeing someone. When I later referred to her as his girlfriend, he abruptly said they were just seeing each other.

I recall this was an American thing. We've clearly caught it, just like every other bloody thing they import to over here.

Same here too. All seems too much like hard work. I’m with you too re dating apps.
My eldest son met his now wife in a bar and my youngest met his partner when they were in sixth form.

Im in my 60s now so people of my age will remember the "lonely hearts" columns in the newspaper 😃 you wrote a letter and enclosed a photo, posted it to a PO box and waited with baited breath for the replies. In my mid 20s there seemed to be a dearth of eligible blokes so I tried my luck. First meet up was with a really nice guy but no real spark. Second one looked like Michael Fish the weather forecaster 😅 (actually 40 years on we are still friends although he lives 200 miles away so I see him about every 5 years for a catch up) Next up was an East End lad and really full of himself. I fell for him in a big way, even though he took great delight in putting me down, making comments about my weight etc, calling me a thick northerner etc. He ended up ghosting me suddenly ( i think he went back to his ex) I was heartbroken for about a week then I met the guy who became my 1st DH. (That was a huge mistake, he turned out to be a weapons grade arsehole)!!

I remember about 20 years ago, a male friend dating two women at once for some time. He justified it by saying that he hadn't had the exclusivity chat with either of them. But he hadn't told them about each other. His female friends were generally disgusted.

I guess that must have been in the transition period between the old rules and the new rules. If everyone now knows what the new rules are then that's much better.

What’s ick to me is simultaneous physical relationships. If anyone has seen The Bachelor, I was always grimacing at “The Fantasy Suite” in which the bachelor spent a night with each of the three “lucky” contenders. (Although in an expose I read that the two who felt they were not in the lead usually only pretended to spend the night for the cameras.)

But if you are young now (and like you, I am not), I would still set my own standards. Even back in the day you had to sort through the men you thought were just after casual sex, maybe it's more obvious now because of internet dating, but it's always been the same.
I also had a couple of girlfriends who were happy to have one night stands...which was more unusual back then than it is now.

My neice has set her own standards and, after her boyfriend of 8 years cheated on her (more than once), her standards are, quite rightly, fairly high. She says all the men she meets are only interested in sex. Not one of them is interested in marriage and children and these are men in their mid to late 30's!

She definitely wants marriage and children and as she is now 33 is not going to waste her time with any of the men scared of commitment. Trouble is how does she find someone who wants the same as her?

I blame online dating, it's so impersonal, people being picked for their looks, but God knows what lies underneath.
My son and one grandson have tried online dating, big fail for both.
My son met his now partner in a coffee bar, grandson met his GF at work, and my other GS met his fiance at college...there is still nothing like seeing, and maybe knowing someone, before you commit to a date.