Am I old fashioned in my thinking

[Rustymoo]

My 23 year old niece was telling me about a guy she’s been seeing and how happy she was that they’ve had the exclusivity chat.
Maybe I’m old fashioned in my thinking but to me if you’re seeing someone you don’t see (by that I mean date) anyone else and nowadays it seems until you have had that chat your free to what I’d call two time or having your cake and eat it. She seemed surprised when I said that and it got me thinking is it just me who thinks like that.

It’s very normal now, because of the apps.

Same here back in the 80s. It just wasn't "the thing" to do to see other people at the same time. There was no need for the "exclusivity chat" as it was automatically implied. If you did happen to find yourself "seeing" two people at the same time, i.e. VERY early days of first/second dates, you told them both so they both knew about the other, but you certainly didn't continue seeing both for more than a couple of dates before you made up your mind and chose one or the other to continue with.

It's what happened to me with BF1 and BF2. I'd known BF1 for a few weeks through voluntary work and we went out a couple of times (nothing serious, just drinks). I also knew BF2 vaguely as I worked with his mother and he'd sometimes pop into work to see his Mum and I'd been to her house a couple of times and he'd been there. BF2 asked me "out" for a walk one evening, just a walk and a bag of chips and then he asked me out again for drinks in the local pub. So basically, I'd been "out" with them both twice, same week in fact (like buses, none for ages then two come along at once!). But not even held hands with either let alone kissing/snogging etc. I told them both about each other before a third "date" with either of them. Both were a bit put out, and both made it clear they'd prefer me to choose rather than have a third date with them both. I chose BF2, and BF1 backed off, but then I changed my mind, ended it with BF2 and went back to BF1, and we've been together for 39 years since!

It just didn't sit right with me to get any more serious with two lads at the same time, like I said, not even the hand holding stage. I couldn't have gone from snogging one on the Friday to snogging the other on the Saturday (and certainly not got more intimate with either!). I don't know of any friends at that time who'd see different lads at the same time either. Exclusivity was the norm after the first date or two.

Similar here. When I met my now husband I had a boyfriend I’d been seeing for 3 years. When he asked me out I finished it with my boyfriend. I told him I’d met someone else. I figured if I was going to go on a date with someone else then the relationship with existing boyfriend was finished. The thought of stringing existing bf along to see how new one progressed just seemed wrong and not the done thing.

If that’s what you want to do and everyone knows the score then why not? I think it’s time we try to understand that a monogamous relationship isn’t for everyone/at every stage of life.

What’s acceptable depends on the person.

I think things have gone full circle because I remember my mum telling me that late 60's you could casually "date" more than one person and then you had the concept of "going steady" which was basically being exclusive, but it wasn't automatic like it was for me (90's).

Had a very intresting chat with dd about this recently. She has a first serious boyfriend , they are in a relationship. They started by talking and seeing each other, then decided they wanted a relationship not a situationship which many of their friends have ( 18/ 19 yr old uni students) . I asked what a situationship was, following explanation, in my day we called it friends with benifits! I'm glad both she and her boyfriend are a bit.more traditional.!

I think this started as an American thing and is becoming more normal over here. If I understand correctly, in America 'dating' is considered more a period where you are going on dates with different people and then you decide who you are sticking with. In the UK in the last few decades I get the impression you were only supposed to go on dates with one person at a time, but we're moving toward the American model. And it's one that makes some sense to me.

Well I am old fashioned and not ashamed to say so. For me, once you start going out with someone you don't see anyone else.

My neice gave up on online dating because she said the men were only after sex. My neighbour (male) says all the women he meets online are only interested in sex and not a relationship.

I would hate to be young now

Im scared for my kids when it comes to dating because how am I supposed to hold my nerve knowing my kids are being actively conditioned into thinking this is normal ffs.

Even back in my dating days (2013+) it was still very much the case that if two people are into eachother, theyre not pursuing other leads. They just keep seeing eachother until its made official.

Reading and hearing about this low key cheating behaviour being disguised under the guise of 'situationship' so therefore is accepted is repulsive to me.

What has happened to the world 😔

I just couldnt focus on more than one person at a time. Even when I was doing OLD, if I started an ongoing chat with someone, leading to meeting, then I just focused on that person for that time. If it didnt work out, the apps were still there. Why is there a need to juggle several at once? Whats the rush?

For me personally I find it quite disrespectful to not give someone your full attention. I'm not holding auditions and I dont expect to have to audition for someone else! Either you like me and want to see where it goes or you don't. I don't expect someone to be on a date with me and be thinking about their next date with someone else.

I do think it's largely an app thing. I have relatives who live in the middle of nowhere or fairly rural (so no one near them on apps!) and they still seem to date the "old fashioned" way.

I've given up dating for various reasons but this is a contributory factor.

I think a lot of people have given up on dating because they don't want to be just one chocolate in a box of assorted chocolates.

I don't agree that it encorages honesty. I think it encourages commitment phobic men to not treat women very well. I have a couple of friends who OLD regularly and this is their experience.

Obviously I meant cake but it did make me lol!

Well, it wasn’t. Now you can date multiple people at once, and see what works for you. I think it’s a good thing.

I'm like you, we assumed as dating it was just us. Apparently now it means you're hanging out with them but not exclusively. Yes one woukd think that you had a romantic connection and were a couple, which still asides with those brought up with values and respect.

Sorry if my reply isn't correct, can't sed what I'm typing or edit for some annoying reason. Xx

I’m in my 40s and wouldn’t have assumed that “dating” someone meant you were exclusive unless you had specifically agreed that. Why would you assume something so important?

Agree. I'm 50 and think younger people are fully entitled to do things a different way, and I don't look at the past with rose tinted spectacles.

My sons are traditional too.

I think that's a very different thing though, and I wouldn't expect most people would be okay with that.

I think it's mainly in the "We haven't ever met so let's give it meeting a few times to work out if things have any chance" category?

How can you be surprised that social norms have moved on in 40 years??

My dad told me recently about how he and my mum got together and how they were essentially 'open' for a couple of years before they settled down. They got together in 1975. Casual dating and non exclusive relationships are not entirely new as a concept. They are far more common now, for better and worse. I'm 45 and enjoyed having the option of casual relationships when I was young in the 2000s.

I’m not surprised at all, but values and respect should be the same.

Why should values be the same after 40 years? Values change over time. So does the shared understanding of what respect means. These are not universal concept. They vary depending on time, space and culture.

I was lucky to find one person to go out with never mind two

DS online dated and I found out this was the way it’s done. I will warn you though that according to some of the young people being exclusive is not the same as boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever combo they are and that’s the next level.

His mate was chatting to 21 women one week, I joked and asked if he had a spreadsheet so he didn’t mix them up. Basically it is the candy shop analogy. You go in to pick sweets and keep changing your mind. I’m sure it works for some especially if you are the type that does not emotionally attach quickly.

I would say it works for men better because let’s be honest they can have sex with women they actually hate. Plus as ever if young then it’s the woman that is left holding the baby.

Up until that day I’d never met my now husband either.