How to talk to unrelated teen about strong body odour

[hmmnotreallysure]

I volunteer for a youth organisation where we also have teen volunteers. We have a teen volunteer with extremely strong and unpleasant body odour. The whole room smells when you walk in to it if she’s been there. This last week it was even more unpleasant than the previous week, lots of adults and young people noticed and commented to other adults (teens not children).

Its an unwashed/unclean smell as opposed to a BO sweat smell. After she has volunteered with me she attends the youth group for her age that follows on afterwards.

Now as I am lead volunteer in the group that she helps out in I feel it falls to me to have to deal with and I have absolutely idea how to approach it. Her home life isn’t standard but no issues to raise, I’ve never met her parents as she comes up to the group on her own by bus or gets a lift. There is also some level of ND I suspect (if relevant to approach). I don’t want to upset her obviously but it needs to be said as I have to hold my breath when near to her as it’s so unpleasant, we volunteer with young children so wouldn’t want one of them to comment but also I worry it’s isolating her in her youth group as she’s new-ish to it.

I am going to seek advice from the youth organisation on how to approach but wondered if anyone has actually had this conversation and if so what did you say? I’ve never had to have a conversation like this before.

I think if you say anything you are going to get a lot of backlash, especially with the ND component, and it's likely going to end up being an absolute shit show for you.

On balance I would not touch the issue with a barge pole, the only person who's going to come out worse out of it is you unfortunately.

Would it be appropriate to speak to her parents, how old is she?

Its difficult to know as an outsider whether its something they know about and dont care, or they know about and do care but they're picking their battles and this one isnt one they're going to have with her, or they do care but are battling every single day with it and its a bone of contention in the house

Or they also have the same problem so dont have any awareness of it.

Does she go to school, do you have links there with any other professionals in her life?

Sounds like a home life issue.

Look the BO is going to be embedded in her clothes so theres no easy fix.

I think asking her about her homelife if the way in... i wpuldnt try and land it in one convesation. Id go via that sounds hard and if she needs help is the way to go..maybe tell her some made up story.about your teen years that mirrors this.

You can maybe teach her how to wash bo imbued clothes and buy her some mitchum

The ND thing is relevant, my autistic kid would avoid showering if she could, she doesn’t like the feel of the water. I am able to insist with grumpiness rather than real pushback although she does occasionally pretend she’s showered when she hasn’t.

I think the only thing to do is approach the parents. If you haven’t got a number for them surely you should need to anyway? What if she injured herself? Perhaps as a first stage you can say “as you walk in, Jane, I wonder if I can have your parents details just so I’ve got a contact for you”.

She cannot ignore it. It is unpleasant for everyone.

Sometimes people have not been told or shown the basics and just need it pointing out in an informative way.

do you have information sessions as part of the group? Can you have someone deliver a session on hygiene? Bedding washing, clothes washing, person washing, teetg brushing, hair washing? The children I teach who attend the town youth club have regular sessions delivered on a huge variety of topics.

Everyone will know who that’s aimed at, it will be humiliating for her

If she’s under 16, I’d maybe involve her parents, you or your organisation must have contact details. Maybe ask them in for a meeting with her.

Over 16, have a chat with her in private. Have another female adult present. Start with asking about her welfare generally, how she’s getting on. Then just kindly broach it. Ask her to shower more, wash clothes and wear deodorant. Ask if she wants you to speak to her mum for support around these things. Tell her you’re mentioning it because you love her being part of the group but this is something she will need to sort now and as she approaches working age. Ask if there are any barriers to the above things

Allow her to go home after the chat in case she is upset and embarrassed.

You could also keep a clean T shirt and some deodorant and body spray at the venue which she can change into and use. If you’re feeling particularly charitable you could wash it for her each week.

Definitely needs addressing as it's not pleasant for her or others. You presumably want to keep the group going, not risk others from leaving because of the odour.

This IS a safeguarding issue. Please talk to your safeguarding lead for advice.

I had a very similar situation and the child’s parents were also ND and the whole family didn’t have any personal hygiene or ability to clean domestically either.
We did the chicken shit way of dealing with it and she “won” a soap and glory hamper and bath bomb. I don’t even think she took it home, despite gentle suggestion. It’s such a difficult situation. Don’t suppose she attends school or college? My friend is a teacher and she used to wash, in her spare time a uniform for a student and he got to school he would access the showers and he kept a toiletry bag (my friend also bought him that) maybe you can ask school or college can they help?
You have my sympathy 💐

Thanks everyone. She is at college and has a part time job in a fast food restaurant (just to try to explain level of potential ND) I am a bit frustrated that it’s landed at my feet but it has also highlighted to me that a) it’s a very tricky issue to deal with and b) not all families are as safe and secure as the ones I am used to dealing with. This is well and truly outside of my comfort zone!

I am now thinking about a conversation with mum might be the best route with her only being 16 (as long as she still has contact with mum). I did hear her say that she no longer goes to family events as the doesn’t get on with her stepdad ☹️. I know she is currently living with dad but sees her mum.

I also think that I’ll stock the cupboards in the toilets with freshening wipes, deodorant and body spray etc, in case she doesn’t have access to these items at home and maybe pop a little sign on the door to say help yourself, argh, minefield 🙈.

It might be nothing to do with her family. If you knew the issues I've had with one of my older teens lately. I am always going on about it, but I wish other people would say something to him too as I know that it's bad. It's a lack of self care and linked to mental health and also not understanding of how things like that affect others.
Sadly I am just seen as a nag because I'm the only one that doesn't pussyfoot, so nothing changes.

If she is living with her dad why would you speak to her mum

He has day to day care of her, albeit she is 16 so hes not going to be able to persuade her to bathe if she wont do that.

Your job is to find out whether it is appropriate for you to raise or not. It may be something that will remain as is, the family may have worked at it and still be working at it, they may appreciate an outsiders support or they may not. On the other hand it could be that there is general neglect and lack of hygiene in the house in which case theres not likely to be much change.

She doesnt sound like she's cut off from the world in any way, she goes to your club, works and has college.

@hmmnotreallysure I would recommend you find out who the safe-guarding lead is for the organisation for whom you volunteer. This needs to be reported as a potential safeguarding issue relating to a young person who is vulnerable arising from potential ND and who may be suffering from eitther emotional or physical neglect. Take advice from them and by reporting it you have taken the correct steps in relation to safeguarding.

Thanks again everyone, I’m going to chat to our group lead volunteer about it and see if it needs raising as a safeguarding issue. The reason I mention mum is that I was told she still had a good relationship with mum apart from the step dad issue but I get that if she lives with dad then he maybe has PR so it should be a conversation with him. Just thinking about my dc and this would have been a conversation I would have had over dh with dd as i would discuss the need to shower even more during periods etc, so maybe misjudged on my part as to contact mum over dad.

I got where you were coming from, but ultimately he has care of her at the moment and so is the person who should be looking at her day to day needs and helping her manage those. Depends how much influence mum has (and the relationship between mum and dad) as to how much a discussion with mum could help, for all you know it could give mum ammunition to say daughter is poorly cared for when it may be that dad is at his wits end trying to get her to engage with personal hygiene

Its not really a safeguarding issue in the sense of risk, I know most posters here use that word a lot without really recognising safeguarding thresholds

It a need, an unmet need, it may be coming out of something nefarious, it may be that she is a teen who doesnt want to wash, for a number of reasons.

She is 16 and risk thresholds are not the same as if it were a dirty smelly 5 year old.

Nevertheless, its unclear at the moment why she isnt washing and that need not being met which is why first port of call is who she lives with/perhaps mum.

Talk to the safeguarding lead before you do anything else. I have had to have this conversation in a work context but that was with a grown adult and where we had clear rules and standards. Is there any code of conduct or handbook or anything like that for the volunteers?

As someone who works with ND teenagers and has had to deal with this issue plenty of times before:

• talk to her.

• someone needs to ascertain whether she smells because she does not have access to appropriate facilities at home (including having been shown how to use them). If it is this then it is a safeguarding issue. In this situation you could leave a stock of wipes, deodorant, sanitary products, washing powder etc where she can access them. Do you have access to a washing machine at work? Or a shower? If so, can she use them/be shown how to use a washing machine? Bear in mind that she might only have 1 set of clothes and if so is likely to be embarrassed admitting it (maybe monitor what she wears for a few weeks - is it always the same?)

• If she has access to those things then explain nicely but clearly that you have noticed that sometimes she smells. That it is bad for her health to be unwashed/wear dirty clothes and that it can make it unpleasant for other people to spend time around her. Ask her to wash before sessions and wear clean clothes. Offer the resources in the bullet point above and leave them accessible even if declined.

Note: it's likely that there are plenty of young people you work with whose families have difficulties sometimes providing them with all of the things they need so having a cupboard/similar in a private place where people can take what they need without others being aware may serve more than just her.

Oh and report it if it is a safeguarding issue

NC for this. My own DD went through this when she insisted living with her ‘father’ for a few years over lockdown in order to follow a course of study that she was desperate to do. There was a period where I wasn’t able to see her for over six months due to travel restrictions and when she came home for the final time she absolutely stank. I was shocked. She did wash herself regularly, but there were a few factors at play, mainly to do with the fact that her revolting ‘father’ is an emotionally abusive, bad-tempered, neglectful arsehole who destroyed her confidence in the time she was with him.

She had body image issues and was slightly ‘sturdier’ than the other girls, in a society where eating disorders, food restriction and blunt (rude) commenting on looks is normalised, but the attitude towards BO is more relaxed. To hide her body, she wore the same long-sleeved polo necked top and an enormous sweater come rain or shine. Her father never really talked to her, didn’t offer to do her washing or make/nag her to do it either. She prepared and ate all meals on her own. I think she was, understandably, thoroughly depressed (but enjoyed the course and had a good social life).

I’m afraid that I made her go for a shower the second we got in, disposed of the offending clothes and pretty much boil washed anything else. We then went out to buy some new clothes that she was comfortable in, i.e. a couple of sets of the same thing - plus I showed her how to use our washing machine (including the quick wash) and the dryer, in case there were things that she desperately needed a quick turnaround on. Had to be quite blunt about what was acceptable but didn’t linger on it and backed it up with regular reminders re getting a wash on etc.

I also sent her to counselling, loved and mothered her again and prepared healthy meals, which we ate together as a family. Have never felt so guilty in my life and will never forgive myself for the state that, unbeknown to me (despite FaceTiming regularly) she’d got into during the period she was stuck with him.

Thankfully she’s a happy fully functioning adult now, with a partner, but I’m always mindful of the underlying issues (be it poverty, neglect, simple lack of knowledge) that lead to it.

Someone needs to have the conversation with this girl, but it needs to be brisk and straightforward.

for the various groups that i know of rather than individuals they put up a group message about showering and fresh clothes etc

Its an unwashed/unclean smell as opposed to a BO sweat smell
That suggests something is seriously wrong at home which will draw you in to a much more difficult and complex issue than the smell. The issue may well be caused by poverty rather than abuse but whatever the cause are you going to be able to follow through with any solutions once you’ve bought the problem to light?

Of course it’s still a safeguarding issue! She either cannot or will not take care of herself, and her parents have been unable or unwilling to help her. She needs help. Please don’t assume other people don’t know what safeguarding means.

Its not a safeguarding issue on the basis of what is written here. Its a need, possibly not met although thats not clear at this stage

When I receive referrals from the public and other professionals and have to triage them, I can guarantee you that the majority do not understand what is a safeguarding issue and what is a referral for support services, they dont understand the difference between those two things

For a referral for support services for assessment, you need the parents consent. Which is why I have advised talking to the parent with care of her.

We had this in my primary school as a boy smelled very bad and other children noticed too . The teacher had a discreet word with the parents who were a bit shocked but both of the children started to have their hair washed and started coming into school cleaner and with their clothes clean too .