Do you think dads worry as much about the kids as the mums do?

[JacknDiane]

Inspired by something I read on here, about "do you ever stop worrying about your kids "......and the answers were "absolutely no, I will worry till I die"...

It got me thinking, dh doesn't worry about our dcs. Is it because im the worrier, or do dads just not worry so much?

I work, have friends, hobbies, things going on in my life and my kids are grown up and flown the nest...but they are still at the foremost of my mind, I think of them and their safety/wellbeing, long before I consider mine or dhs. But I feel dh considers himself before anyone else and this comes naturally to him.

What's everyone else's take on this?

Assuming good dads here, I think they care just as much but overall they worry less. They just seem more confident that things will be fine and they don't tend to overthink.

Maybe you're just more of a worrier. I don't worry about my kids unless there's something wrong. Neither does DH.

DH worries more in the immediate than I do - eg if we’re at a playground, he’ll follow them round. I’m happy to sit on a bench.

DH worries less than me about everything. He loves and cares for the children just as much as I do, he's just not a worrier and I am.

Generally I don't think they do. Individuals may vary ofc. I remember when my kids were small my ex was not very safely conscious. If we were out with them he would do things like marching off without looking back to check kids were following him, walking in the road, stuff like that.

It's certainly true of our relationship. It's generally been me (Dad) pushing for DD to have more independence, while DP needs more convincing.

The first time we left DD home alone for a bit, the first time we left her alone in the evening, or went away for the weekend, it was always me saying it would be fine, while DP would come up with all these scenarios of what could happen.

It'll be the same when DD goes off to university later this year, it won't bother me if we don't hear from her for days at a time, whereas I know DP will struggle with it.

It's not that I love DD any less, or even that I don't see the risks when DP does. I think it's just that my benefit / risk analysis is different. I'm willing to accept more risk than DP is, whereas DP struggles to see the benefits for fear that DD will come to harm.

I think it probably is generally true that men are less risk-averse than women, although obviously it varies massively on an individual level.

No

Same! I generally assume things will be fine, he definitely worries more than me.

If we are talking about Dads in general, no. My Dd1 had a cs 6 weeks ago, He lives 10 min car journey away, doesn't work took him 5 weeks to come see her and baby. I'm working full-time but taking DGD to school every morning, she had to stay with me a week. I have already looked after newborn lots. I just think they are selfish to the core.

Hmm.

I have a 16 year old disabled child and a 14 year old NT child. i worry.

DH essentially outsources the worry to me and leaves the vast bulk of the parenting decisions to me. That said, he supports unconditionally and throws money at all the issues when there are issues. That's his version of support. So I would say I take on the bulk of the immediate mental load, but he is bubbling away in the background.

My parents- Dfather has always been the primary parent for me and my sister. Because my mother has had serious mental health issues. She started to be properly medicated when I was 24. I'm now 53 and my sister 56, but the vast bulk pf parenting, support, grandparenting, conversations, interaction is still entirely with my father. My mother is the passenger as a parent. Not that involved, quite remote.

No, they're an alien species who regard their full contribution as sperm only.

Of course they do, OP. Male socialisation simply doesn't encourage them to build their entire identity around being parents.

ExDP certainly didn’t but I have come across dads who are very involved.

It does seem to be mainly mums, even now, who carry most of the mental load. It would be interesting to hear from a GP how often dads bring their DCs to appointments. I know exDP was always telling me to take them to the doctor but never once offered to do it. (I did not go to the doctor when he told me beside he overreacted). I also very much doubt that many dads get involved in communicating with schools, organizing dressing up costumes for school, buying uniform etc.

I don’t think my dad ever worries about stuff in the loveliest way and exH isn’t even sure of the children’s birth dates/school years etc so zero worrying there; stop fussing/they’ll be fine/I don’t know do I? about everything 🫥

DH was the SAHP for the first 5 years of DS1's life. DS1 has a range of SEN and medical issues and was back and forth at the hospital/ GP etc. It used to piss DH off enormously as usually the first question from anyone was 'Where's Mum?'. he'd reply 'Working'.

I think mom's do care/worry a hell of a lot more. Even if the dad is an amazing involved one, I guarantee that it will be the mom who deals with all the mental load of the kids. Obviously there are situations where that's wrong but mostly I bet it's right

Men and women’s bodies and brains both change after having children - there’s a lot involved but i think basically women get more attentive, anxious, and aggressive and men get less aggressive and possibly a bit more attentive and anxious depending on how much caregiving they do.

I would say I certainly worried the most when the children were small.

Now that they’re teenagers, my husband worries a lot more than me. I am not quite sure why that is.

Good to hear about an involved and caring dad. Not good to hear about the sexism. Good for you and DH!

My husband and I both worry but about different things! I worry about schooling and more of the emotional things and my husband worries about whereabouts etc.

I worry about mostly everything that goes on - day to day and beyond. My ex is mostly focused on my daughter's future - what will her life be in adulthood. As usual, he doesn't bother himself with the 'minutiae'.

Having two children on the spectrum, both special schools, one more profound than the other. I have always been the worrier. BUT the reason I think is because I am the most involved in their life.

I had to give up work when the youngest was a baby due to severe and debilitating illness. He had to work, he had to and still does have to pay the bills.

I am the one at meetings, appointments, researching, dealing with the day to day difficulties. He is an amazing dad, and will drop everything to help when I am feeling like I am drowning or if I need another set of eyes and ears at appointments or meetings.

but he certainly doesn’t worry like I do.

No I don’t think they do. DH is amazing and was even a stay at home Dad when our kids were young so he is more in tune then most men. However as we both get older the more i believe that women are just hard wired to worry and care more. There is no point fighting or resenting it.

He loves our children with a passion but I have never known him to have sleepless nights worrying about them like I do. He might have a restless night worrying about his work or his health but rarely me or the children. It’s like you say OP men seem to be naturally inclined to think about themselves first. I think women are mostly the opposite.

Hmm. DH definitely worries more than I do, but does sod all about it. He can catastrophise that there's something wrong and DS should see the doctor but will never pick up the phone to make an appointment. He'll make comments about the importance of a balanced diet but won't check what he's actually eaten or prepare vegetables. He hopes he doing okay at school, but won't check his homework.
Guess who actually does all the grunt work?
Or maybe that why I don't worry as much; I actually know.
<rant over>

I think it’s more to do with the individual. I am not a worrier, my husband definitely is. It was similar for my parents, my mum was a lot more laid back and it would be dad we had to convince.

I think it's socialisation. Women are prompted to worry and men aren't; women are treated as the default parents who ought to be worrying and ought to be second-guessing if their children are ok. It becomes a habit. Men who are single dads probably worry just as much as mums. Though I think men are still judged less, socially, for parenting, so it may still be a bit uneven.

I really notice it with my dad - he's the generation who did very little except the 'fun' bits. He doesn't get why my brother, who's the main carer for his daughter, would be worried, but he'll come out with claims that show he has no clue. Stuff like 'oh, now, I never worried about a child who wouldn't sleep through! I think you all did at roughly the normal time without any particular help ... would they have been four weeks, Grandma, or six months?' (This, while my mum tries not to lamp him and point out it clearly wasn't fucking four weeks.)