Do you think dads worry as much about the kids as the mums do?

[JacknDiane]

Inspired by something I read on here, about "do you ever stop worrying about your kids "......and the answers were "absolutely no, I will worry till I die"...

It got me thinking, dh doesn't worry about our dcs. Is it because im the worrier, or do dads just not worry so much?

I work, have friends, hobbies, things going on in my life and my kids are grown up and flown the nest...but they are still at the foremost of my mind, I think of them and their safety/wellbeing, long before I consider mine or dhs. But I feel dh considers himself before anyone else and this comes naturally to him.

What's everyone else's take on this?

DH worries about different things to me. He gets stressed about the older kids driving, DD walking around at night, older kids jobs and if they’re saving enough.

I can’t say I worry about our dc. I mean like, if dd is staying over at a friends and messaged me upset, but then I couldn’t reach her, I’d worry. Or when she broke her arm and had to have emergency surgery. Or when ds got Lyme’s Disease and was quite poorly for several weeks. I was worried then. But day to day I can’t say I feel a general sense of worry about them.

Dh definitely does worry about them. I think sometimes his worry is a bit more directed at ‘what will people think?!’ than actual worry. Like he doesn’t like her hanging out at the park with friends because he worries about her and maybe a bit about how it’s perceived. But definitely he worries about things. Neither of us particularly is a worrier though.

No

Mine constantly worries, but about different things. It drives me crazy because he frequently wants me to “fix” things he is worrying about that I would just let play out.

I can only speak for myself and DH, but I worry about the children WAY more than he does, in every aspect.

He is incredibly laid back about everything in a way I wish I could be.

I have a more closer relationship to the children than he does though so I think up on small changes in their emotions and behaviours that he doesn’t, hence why I start worrying about things that probably wouldn’t even be on his radar.

We parent them in different ways but between the both of us we know that all their needs are met and we are happy enough with that.

I don't know about the worrying part but I feel women definitely take on way more of the mental load of running the family. For example, I'll be thinking of what after school activities need to be paid for and when whereas I don't think it would enter DH's head. Also, I do ALL the Christmas and birthday shopping and think about putting up the decorations etc. I sometimes wonder if I didn't mention it was time to take the decorations out of the attic or buy the tree, would it ever happen. He's great in lots of other ways but my God, the mental load stuff really annoys me!!! (And they were only a few examples!)
In terms of the worrying, I definitely worry more than him.

DH loves and worries about the DC but not in the same way as me. When they hit 16/17 and started going out late in evening with friends, I could not sleep till they were home. I used to think that DH snoring his head off was uncaring and selfish, but I don’t think it’s that. It’s just that we assess and process ‘danger’ differently.

They are at Uni now and I worry about them getting home at night (DS more than DD actually) whilst DH worries about them building resilience and their future security.

Maybe the worry is just part of the mental load us mums carry?

My husband absolute adores our children, but he doesn’t worry constantly. He’s safe in the knowledge that all will be fine, somehow. I however worry about tiny, tiny details all the live long day.

I have thought about this before, OP.

I think they may worry quite a lot about their older teens, but rarely, IMO, are they talking with them, sorting out their life problems, counselling them if things go wrong, always at the end of a telephone. The good dads I know are there for their kids, meet up, go for dinner, all that but they don't tend to be the listening ear and so know all their innermost problems- it's that that I think can be emotionally taxing.

As DDs have gotten older DH worries far more about 'life' than I do such as boy's hurting them, being taken advantage off, being hurt on a night out etc. I think most of that is probably coloured by his job and always seeing the worst possible outcome from a bad situation.

We worry equally about their futures, financial stability, happiness, resilience etc.

Sounds more like your DH priorities himself rather than not worrying, OP. In my eyes they're different things. One is just being a bit of a selfish tit (prioritising himself) and the other is just being confident that he trusts all will work out (not worrying).

I don't think it's a mums/dads thing, it's personality type. DH didn't worry about our DC anywhere near as much as I did. He did what was necessary to keep them safe and fed, but the detail about how they'd turn out, their education, future etc was always me doing the worrying. He was confident things would work out.

In my own upbringing, it was very much the other way around.

My DH is a very involved and loving dad, but no he doesn’t worry as much as I do. He would worry if DS wasn’t replying to messages for a long time whilst he was out at night, but he doesn’t actively worry unless there’s a reason to. My worry is more a constant state of being.

My DH doesn’t worry about our (adult) children as much as me. I’ll be lying await fretting while he snores next to me. To be fair, my worrying doesn’t help anyone. But on the other hand, it is me the children come to with their issues so I am the receptacle for their angst. Come to think of it, I’m the receptacle for DH’s angst too. I seem to have been assigned role of chief worrier in the family.

Mums are often doing most of the emotional labour (listening, sympathising, arranging, counselling, facilitating) in families as well as at work. It's just something I've noticed with the dads and men at work I know- they are sympathetic if you seek them out but they don't take on roles of emotional supporter. I have had to take a step back at times, so that I am supporting my adult children but not enabling or endlessly listening to them. It's a hard balance and one most dad's simply don't have IMO.

My father, who was a huge, tall fella, worried about us incredibly as DC and about the GC. I think we must have looked tiny and fragile to him. He was very overprotective. My 4ft 10" mother was very casual and likely to briskly tell us to 'buck up, you'll be fine'. She once sent me to school with appendicitis...

I worry if there is something genuinely wrong with the adult kids (lost their job, broken up with their GF) whereas DH does not worry about anything at all. He is very much of the 'it will work out fine' mindset and always has been. He's very go with the flow.

I carry less of the mental load than DH.

He also worries more about our adult children than I do.

My husband worries more than I do. If I’m worried and showing it, he will naturally pretend to not be worried so as to reassure me. Other times I’m the one doing the reassuring.

My H worries more about safety and would prefer them never to travel, go out or date.

I worry more about whether they’re happy or not.

I expect DH to develop stomach ulcers worrying over DD when she leaves home. He is intensely competent and pragmatic about everything else apart from DD’s wellbeing.

Going by these answers, id say mums have more of the worry than the dad's, as we are more aware of the nitty gritty of our kids lives.
That's in general, but id say it fairly consistent.

My situation regarding this is 100% the same as OP's. I worry all the time despite trying not to. Exh goes through occasional phases of worrying about certain things with them but expects me to solve everything and just turns to me with a "so what are you going to do" attitude.

Absolutely not. The love is not the same.

On a personal level, I'd disagree with that. I know just as much of the nitty gritty stuff as DP. We're fairly equal on the day to day stuff, and I'd say I know more about anything serious going on with DD, because she feels like I'm calm in a crisis. I was the one she came to when she'd been assaulted, I was the one she came out to first.

I don't worry less because I know less about DD and her life. I worry less because I'm just not a worrier. If I start worrying about something, it's a sign that I need to be proactive and do something about it. If there's nothing I can do, then I don't worry, its counter-productive and a waste of energy.

I think dh and I worry equally. However dh only worries about the moment, not the future, where I will worry about both. Also he only worries about what is happening and I will worry about what might happen.

Ds4 has an appointment next week with the consultant at the hospital. I have been worrying about it for the last 3 months. Dh will be blissfully unaware until the day. Then he will worry for a bit and then stop when he knows the outcome of the appointment. I will keep worrying about the next thing and dh won't think about it until it happens.

I always thought it was a man thing but dc2 is similar to me. He doesn't worry as such but he will plan things in advance to the final detail. Then he goes to dh with a map and a pile of Cds for the journey in the order he wants them played and asks when they will be leaving tomorrow. Dh asks where he is supposed to be taking him and dc2 gets so frustrated with him.