Anyone else wish they could live outside of society?

[Fancycrab]

In the last few months I’ve felt like I’ve dropped out of society a bit - quit all social media, stopped enjoying things like going to pubs/out for dinner so don’t do them anymore, don’t follow the news anymore. Started to spend my weekends going for long walks with my young dc and spending time with them at home. I wfh too, get all my shopping online, so I really don’t engage with society at all anymore (apart from maybe on MN). I have a few close friends who I might go for lunch or a day out with our kids with occasionally but that’s the most I ever interact with society. I live in a really rural area too so I never see many people. But I’ve started to realise I like living like this. I want to take it even further and look into living off-grid/self-sufficiency. Has anyone done this? Would any one want to do this and why?

I do sort of. I must admit though, I felt it worse when I was really in the throes of a deep anxiety phase, it was like I just wanted to escape from everything. I dreamed of escaping to the depths of Snowdonia and just hiking mountains every day with my dog. I try and bring some elements of it into my life, coming off social media, reading outside rather than scrolling, walking more, being near water, trying (largely unsuccessfully!) to grow some veg.

These are your needs, not your children’s. When they’re slightly older, they’re going to want to hang out with friends after school and at weekends — school isn’t ‘socialising’ after the very early stages of education. And you’re cresting a total straw man in describing the opposite of what you want as McDonalds, soft play and consumerism. Just because you can’t hack socialising, or your social skills have waned, don’t take your children out of society.

I say this as someone who utterly enjoys solitude. Before I had DS, I lived on an island that had no other human inhabitants and was often cut off for weeks in bad weather. I may well do similar once he’s left home. But now it doesn’t serve his needs.

It's possible to escape part time, if that makes sense. Every fine summer weekend when the DC are at their dad's I'm up on Dartmoor at a very basic campsite with no signal, hiking or sitting around the fire with a book. In fact, I'm recognising that my mental health is suffering because I haven't been able to do that since September (won't be long now though!)

I have done the off grid, self sufficient thing too though, but beware OP- it is grindingly hard to do alone, especially as you get older! Pretty much everyone I know who lives like that is either in an intentional community, or has people living with them in some way (ie my friend with a chronic fatigue condition who lives on her own land usually has a couple of other people living there in caravans who swap work for rent). So, you end up having to interact more with people rather than less if you live that life!

I think this is a bit of a pipe dream for those of us who find the modern world overwhelming. I would love to live in a little off grid cabin in the woods (with solar of course); it would feel like an escape from all the responsibilities and expectations in my life.

Really it’s a fantasy of escaping from the demands of other people and a world that I find exhausting at times. Maybe I will do it someday, although I don’t have kids so no need to worry about the impact on them.

Could you maybe try and simplify the life you do have an incorporate some of the slow down, do less, have less stuff principles into your life. Say no to things, spend time with your kids in the garden, switch off from social media, buy less stuff - it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

This would be much easier to achieve instead of upending your childrens lives.

Yes I have family - mum, dad, brother, niece and nephew, who are a similar age to my dc. Both my dc & I have a good relationship with all of them, despite the fact we don’t live close by. My brother & mum live rurally too (in the very rural village I grew up in) and we go and stay with them every few months.

I get plenty of adult conversation at work and I communicate with family & friends most days. I also play a team sport twice a week (I used to be a semi-pro athlete in my sport but am now retired & play for fun) so there’s a lot of socialising involved in that. However, there’s often trips to the pub involved that I never go to cos it’s just not my thing anymore. I love socialising with them while doing sport with them though, many of them I’ve known for years.

I wouldn’t want to ever go totally self-sufficient. I’ve watched plenty of tv shows about people doing this and it just looks like way too much hard work! They’ll get up at dawn and spend 3 hours trying to heat water for a cup of (dodgy-looking) home grown tea! I do really admire people who have the dedication to live like that but I don’t think I do. Ideally I’d like to live somewhere completely isolated, surrounded by nature, grow vegetables, raise some animals (chickens for eggs, cows for milk etc), and lots of pets. I’d like to live near the sea and spend my weekends surfing and shell-collecting with my kids without seeing a single soul. But I’d still want water/electricity, an internet connection, tv, and to shop at a supermarket in a town not a million miles away. I’d also want my kids to go to school because (even if I could homeschool) I don’t think it’d be fair on them. They need to learn to socialise with kids their own age and they need to experience society so they can make an informed decision about how much they do or do not want to be part of it when they’re older. So yes, I know this is far from off-grid! But I have a lot of respect for people who manage to be fully self-sufficient, what an achievement that must be

It sounds fine for an individual to make that choice. But you have children so the impact on them needs to be taken into account.

Instead of withdrawing from society into your own independent bubble, i would try contributing to your local society instead. Life becomes very vanilla when you don't have societal input.

It can be very fulfilling helping out readers at primary school, helping with the summer reading scheme in the library, working together with others on our Council shared allotment scheme, mentoring some young folks in the local "first steps into work" cafe. The local hospital cries out for volunteers to help people find their way, give out info. The local cobalt unit remake used birthday/xmas cards into new cards for sale. We have a knit and natter group at the pub where experienced folks help new knitters - much cake is involved.

There is a movement nowadays towards individual isolationism which I find surprising. People don't answer their door, don't answer the phone if they don't know the number, don't chat with neighbours, general withdrawal from all the things that make us social beings - being an upstanding member of society is still valued so much they can countersign passport applications.

To answer... no, I definitely do not want to live outside of society, society is what lifts you up, gives you a feeling of belonging.

Ideally I’d like to live somewhere completely isolated, surrounded by nature, grow vegetables, raise some animals (chickens for eggs, cows for milk etc), and lots of pets. I’d like to live near the sea and spend my weekends surfing and shell-collecting with my kids without seeing a single soul. But I’d still want water/electricity, an internet connection, tv, and to shop at a supermarket in a town not a million miles away.

You could try looking for a property with a few acres, however I will say that finding somewhere very remote and near the sea and a town within driving distance would be hard to find and probably very expensive.

You would also need an income coming in to pay your bills, and buy the food that you can’t grow, so you would need to work at least part time.

Basically if you have enough money you could do something like this.

I don't want to live remotely as I like the company of some people, but I'd be very happy in an echo chamber or a village of like minded people.

The online world is so unpleasant these days (yet here I am!) and the level of unpleasantness, lack of tolerance and increased aggression from random people is visible every day.
I'd like to live without that in my life.

Hobby farming doesn’t come cheap. How are you going to fund this, especially if you’re living somewhere remote? Do you have a transferable job that pays well that you can do remotely in few enough hours that will allow time to look after your livestock, pets and food crops?

I think I just crave simplicity rather than isolation. Life is so max all the time, nothing feels easy despite being sold this idea that technology will help us and make life so much easier. I do accept that for some people (eg my boss who has MS and lives alone- yes, absolutely it is a lifeline to her) but to me it is just blue light clutter. I chose my simple, analogue life wherever I can, and use technology only when it helps me. It’s totally possible to chose not to use it, but use it when you benefit from it (like social groups or online shopping or whatever). I will still choose to use my little sand timer that was my grans when I boil an egg, I will never use my phone. I get comfort from that simplicity.

when I was in the throes of anxiety last year, honestly I wanted to destroy the lot and go live in a yurt. I think a middle ground is probably the best option 🤣

@Fancycrab from your update, you're not really talking about going self-sufficient and you're not looking for isolation.

I think you're just looking for a quieter life. You say you're detached from society, but you actually aren't.

you might benefit from a small holding or a home in a less busy area.

glad I clarified that because that isn't what I got from your first post. I thought you wanted to live off grid and speak to people as little as possible.

One reason it hasn't occurred to me as I haven't got many people to talk to so I really need society. I think a lot of people on here say stuff like this but they actually have a big family so if they don't see the outside world, they have lots of support.

I’m not the poster you were replying to, but I definitely think that social skills are affected if you don’t use them. After the Covid lockdowns, I felt like I’d forgotten how to socialise in person, and going back to the office from WFH felt strange as well. I’ve noticed that I got anxious about things that wouldn’t have bothered me pre-lockdown, and anything that would have been slightly worrying pre-lockdown now felt very worrying. It mostly wore off after a few months, but it was a really noticeable change.

As the previous poster has said, while you might think that your behaviour wouldn’t affect your children, they could to pick up the subtext that you don’t want to be sociable/ have people round except a select group and end up isolating themselves as a result.

I really don’t get your point. My kids are 5 & 6. They have a very happy life. They DO hang out with their friends a lot of weekends and after school. They often get a choice of what they want to do. They also love spending time just the 3 of us. I’m a single mum and they often choose to go for a walk in the forest collecting mushrooms (no we don’t eat them before anyone starts clutching their pearls!) just the 3 of us, over going to a soft play with their friends. I have no plans to “take them out of society”. Honestly, you can’t win on MN. If I said I never spent any time with my kids and they spent every weekend at kids’ parties/drama club/football club, and not doing things with me, I’d be accused of not being a good enough mother by not spending any time with them! Shocking as it might be to believe, we actually enjoy each other’s company and enjoy doing things as a family. Of course I know that’ll change as they get older, and they’ll want to spend more time with friends and less time with me, but while they’re little I’m gonna maximise the few years I have where we all genuinely love doing things together

But you do get my point. Your children are very young now and are happy to spend weekends going for walks with you, but as you acknowledge yourself, in ten years they’ll be more peer-focused. So don’t move to a remote area which will make that more difficult until after they’ve left home.

Yes, I more or less have. I'm audhd and have learned that social interaction is damaging to me so I can't do it anymore. I live on a small housing estate, but am very low key and my neighbours are pretty introverted so there's not much pressure beyond a "good morning". I don't do anything socially. I only interact if I have to, like going to the dentists or something. I have one friend whom I see a few times a year. I don't travel on public transport or go on holidays. I go on MN, Instagram and YouTube for amusement, but I'm trying to read more books. I do crafting. I'd like to join a crafting club, but know I wouldn't cope with the other members. I keep up with current events via the radio. I talk to my cats and plants and dh. I don't have any drama. If I was younger I'd keep chickens again, as they're fun, but I don't have the energy now. I used to go to church, but couldn't cope with the people. The outside world has nothing to offer me apart from the countryside and even that's getting busy now.

Yes I have, moved up to the countryside. If I want to socialise I just jump on a train to visit my large family but that’s only once or twice a year and they do come to us to stay as well but I prefer a few days at a time rather than every weekend/few times a week like it was before!
My kids do see their mates, and they do out with them or have them round whatever suits them that week. I am quite happy as are they.
I found when I was more in society my mental health dipped really fast and it was really difficult to get out of that hole.

Yes I went to school, where I was relentlessly bullied! I didn't have the right clothes, not talking about the in brands, I'm talking a 12/13 year old girl wearing mens cast off clothing (not in a cool way!) I smelled as baths were rationed depending on water availability (found out years later we had loads, they just 'feared' it running out). None of the tech that kids my age had etc etc. I had no framework to build on with regards to socialising and kids can spot a target a mile off.

Yes I absolutely do think that social skills are a use them or lose them muscle. There is no question that this is true, we as human social animals are best served by interacting with a wide variety of people of all ages, outlooks, experiences.

I feel a bit backed into a corner as I'm aware that my social skills are declining, but they've never been great due to my nd. Do I try to socialise and cause myself stress due to my fuck ups or do I minimise that stress by avoiding people whilst continuing to lose skills? Either way it's a lose lose situation.

I think you socialise to make sure you're not losing social muscle, but you titrate it very carefully, and start very small.

I mean, start with a remark about the weather at the post office, rather than booking yourself in for a riotous hen weekend where you're sharing a room with someone who is 'bubbly' and wants to play drunk charades at 4 am.

As when you're starting to exercise a muscle you haven't used in a while, stop when you hit a bit of discomfort, and don't go further until it's easier.

@EmeraldRoulette
By out of kilter I mean that I don't feel I have anything in common with the world today and the people in it.
I feel I don't speak the same language as anyone else.
I find social media threatening: it makes me feel totally excluded and inadequate so I try and avoid it.
I have extreme social anxiety so I can't do things like go in cafe or go in a restaurant or do all the things that most other people do normally. I feel other people live a life that is alien to me.
I was actually badly affected by the isolation during Covid and I don't think I've ever recovered from that.

I'd love to do it but that kind of lifestyle is restricted in the UK. Much easier in places like Alaska and South west France. Probably other places too it's just that those are the places I've seen it. People seem to be able to live off grid without the council coming and insisting they live in a brick built box...

Basically, don't get me started on the lack of flexibility in terms of living arrangements in this country.

I’m aware of people locally who have opted out of society. No school. No work. No taxes paid. Contributing nothing. That’s opting out.

Really not at all- my worst nightmare. I love having the safety net of society. If I fall ill, or desolate society is there to pick me up and help me. It’s very important to me and my wider family that that support network is there.

It extends to defending my safety (the police criminal justice system, diplomatic relations and the military all there for the benefit of my society) and my environment (clean water, power, energy generation, logistics)